have refused to see my MIL for over a month

[ithoughtofitfirst]

And loved every minute of it.

Bit of background. Started going out with DH in uni. Friends who went to his secondary school would often remark on me risking having the mother in law from Hell. She had a bit of a reputation for being interfering, selective with his friends, bit manipulative blah blah.

Ok by my standards the mother in law 'from Hell' would be one who is horrible to my son, an alcoholic and possibly someone who steals from us. So by my standards she's not that horrendous as a mother in law per se.

However!

We have a woman who clearly thinks her son could have done a lot better for himself. Constantly critical about anything I do/say/think. Laughed in my face when I was diagnosed with puerperal psychosis that 'parenting isn't what I thought it would be'. Told me to keep my gay brother away from her younger boys (she's catholic), told me on my wedding day how disappointed she is in us for not having a church wedding, then stopped talking to us (i was 24 weeks pregnant) til the baby was born, constantly undermines me in front of my child, tells me that her family think I've let myself go since having my boy (im a whopping size 10 and a long distance runner), complains that my family should not have been at the christening because they're too.'common' to understand the significance of the event.

I could go on.

After suffering severe PND after my son I've had lingering depression and low self esteem. So I decided that, since no one sticks up for me and that I'm too polite to tell her what a heinous bitch she is, that I will avoid her. I am a grown woman in my late 20s and don't need this shit in my life, frankly.

The reason I want to know AIBU is because my husband keeps hoping that I've 'calmed down' and that I'll join him when he takes my son there. I am confused about this. Why the *&%$ would I? For the first time in 7 years I actually feel my self esteem starting to repair itself. And I don't dread the weekend in fear of what this bully will put me through.

Thanks for reading.

You're not being unreasonable at all, but really try not to let her get to you. Clearly her opinion is worth very little. Your MIL sounds a bit similar to mine - interfering and tactless. She lives in a bubble of her wealthy friends, comes up with the most awful, prejudiced statements and is generally a massive pain in the arse. Last year she called me chunky (I was size 10 at the time - I'm chunky now at 17 weeks preg!) She also clearly thinks DH could have done better (completely baselessly! as he is the first to agree) largely based on the fact that she has more money than my parents because she is tightfistedShe's not evil, just f#cking annoying and sets my teeth on edge.

Anyway I am polite to her face but avoid seeing her as much as possible - DH goes over to see her without me, which I will encourage him to keep doing with the baby once it arrives. Sounds like I have it a bit easier than you as my DH realises she is a nightmare and supports me avoiding her (mostly) probably because if he doesn't he has to listen to me rant about her for days afterwards. The issue you need to address is DH's support - it's pointless trying to change your MIL's behaviour

Why are you being polite to someone who is purposely nasty to you and tries to make you feel like shit? She doesn't care for your feelings,except to take great pleasure in hurting them. By not standing up for yourself, telling her what a nasty cunt she is, that you can't stand her, that you're not going to allow her poison your child with her vile behaviour and to fuck off out of your life, you're allowing her to bully you.

Manners should be strictly reserved for those who have them unless there's a gun pointed to you head. You're mil is a nasty bully because she's surrounded by cowards that facilitate her, like all bullies she's pushing you to see where your boundaries are. Find your spine, be the biggest bitch you can be and stand up for yourself, she'll finally respect you.

Keep your kid away from her, you don't want him picking up her bullying nature and it's also unacceptable for him to hear her undermine and belittle you, she's probably saying far worse about you behind your back and that weak pathetic husband of yours isn't going to stand up for you. If your son sees you undermined and disrespected he will learn that he doesn't have to respect you either. You have to put a stop to that now.

As for that husband who doesn't care enough about you to stop his mother bullying you when you're at your most vulnerable, he still expects you to put on happy face and continue taking abuse from his mother because indulging her and making her happy is the only important thing. Even a wimp will find the balls to stand up for the woman he loves against anyone who tries to hurt her, your husbands loyalty, concern and love is firmly with his mother. Ugh...

Thanks ladies for taking time to reply I really appreciate it.

The problem with my DH is almost too heartbreaking to deal with. Most days i just don't think about it or try not to :( I just love him so much and since being Ill I feel like I need him more cause him and my son make me so happy. Plus I am pregnant again, 24 weeks and don't want to slip back to that black hole. I wish he WANTED to stick up for me but for some reason he just doesn't feel the need. I've tried telling him that but he just couldnt see my point of view... which made me start to think maybe it's asking too much of him

Your husband needs to improve his observation and empathy skills, learn to think with his brain and grow some testicles.

Your MIL is doing this as he lets her get away with it.

My DH doesn't stick up for me either OP, mainly because his was of dealing with his batshit crazy mother is to tune her out and he generally doesn't pay attention to anything she says. It's massively annoying - if my mum said something rude to DH I'd pull her up on it right away - but that's how he deals with her & it's not going to change. We've had a few barneys over it. He does at least acknowledge that she's awful!

sorry *it was his WAY of dealing with...

So you suffer because your husband is too blind and isn't concerned about how you feel? Your husband has a responsibility to you as you live and work in partnership with him which he doesn't have with his mother.

Don't make excuses for him, as frankly, why should you deal with a difficult situation whilst he gets off scot free? ANY problem of yours, should be a problem of his.

Isn't it breaking your heart how she treats you.

Sorry but he really needs to grow a pair, and if he says he can't stand up to her, you need to realise he is emotionally blackmailing you.

It's not asking too much of him OP. He's being an ostrich. voice of experience

But what happens when you DC get older?
They are going to visit with their Dad and MIL making out YABU?God knows what shit they will fill their heads with.
See if your DH loved you and thought about you only half as much as you love him MIL would know she couldnt get away with it.
I am not trying to sound hurtful .

Your husband is manipulating you, stand your ground.

I went NC with my MIL after she had one meltdown too many which included suggesting I was neglecting my child and started a campaign against me and DH. Whilst she did apologise in the end after 12 months NC - her famous "I'll accept 70% of the blame Rhinos", I can never get over what she did to me, to our relationship and to the bonding experience between my new DD and I. DH felt differently after the apology so he goes round with DD every so often. I chose not to, as she started pushing it again within weeks of that chat.

I reached an agreement whereby if she is at a family function I will be civil, but that is it. It upsets me a bit that he chose to forgive them after what she did, but he doesn't feel the guilt that he might have done and I get some time to myself.

I finally feel strong about the situation. I hope whatever the outcome, you will to.

Another vote in support of telling your DH to grow up and keep your DS from toxic woman.

My goodness op, so your good enough to get pregnant with his children but not good enough for him to defend. His behaviour would be a massive dealbreaker, you need to be assertive with him. Hats of to you taking steps to protect yourself and your well being. You have every right to, shame your h is nit protecting you!

It's not asking too much of him, it's really asking the bare minimum.

It sounds like his behaviour is adding to your depression.

Is there now a dynamic that because you've had depression you are the irrational, emotional one and it's you that need to sort yourself out?

As you are pregnant again, and worried about having severe PND again please make sure you are getting the mental health support you need now as you are high risk for having it again, especially as you have frankly minimal support from your partner.

Your problem is your dh tbh.
It's awful he lets you be treated like this.

Thinking about it, your husband doesn't think anywhere as much of your family as he expects you to think of his family.

Look at the examples you've given about the treatment of your family and how he has allowed it.

He thinks its ok to treat your family like shit, when they don't deserve it, but thinks you should treat his mother with respect despite the fact she is disrespectful and rude.

And he's playing the emotionally fragile card over it?

Your DH is prepared to put your marriage under strain (if it is not now, it will be as this continues) and allow your unhappiness to continue also.

I showed DH this thread. He said 'Her husband is either weak, totally insensitive to her feelings or just does not care enough.' He could be being a bit black and white it has been known but it is an interesting male perspective.

Would you show your DH this thread? How do you think he would respond to it? Would it make him think about his behaviour?

If you do get in the same company as her - do not accept any more of these insults. Stand in front of DH and calmly repeat any rudeness that she says.
Your mother said " I am not able to look after my babies" loudly and repeat it till it sinks in who it is that needs to calm down.
But as long as you want to stay away do so.
If he brings home any quotes from her:
Your mother said "......" but I am your wife you should pull her up on her insults about me.
He needs training to oppose a long reign of mum.
And yes the children need to be protected from a grandmother who is this toxic so tail off their visits.

And what will happen when she starts dripping vitriol into your son's ear about you? Will your dh stand back then?

DH finally snapped with FIL when the mind games began to involve our toddler.

Thanks everyone

Gutted to hear that other people have the same problem. When a problem is this ridiculous and keeps getting worse you just start questioning it like surely it's not that bad or, worse, maybe I'm the one to blame here.

I am really sad that DH would want to spend his saturday there and that he basically doesn't have a backbone when it comes when to defending his wife. It's a problem :(

Does he take your son their every Saturday?

If so what will it be like when they are at school? - that's 50% of the weekend you won't be spending with your kids or DH. Or you can tag along and spend 50% of your weekend doing something you hate.

How will MIL behave when you go on holiday, or the DCs are invited to a party or have activities to go to? What happens if you say 'This Saturday let's do something, just the 3 of us'?

Do you really want to spend the next 20 years like this?

The good news is you are most definitely not to blame here. The bad news is it really is that bad. You are totally right to feel sad about your DH's behaviour and inability to see it from your point of view. You are growing his baby and already a mum to his child and now is the time for you to be tiger mother and look after yourself and your Dcs.

You are not to blame. She is.

But DH is the key here and he is sitting on a wide fence, more on her side than yours (Bit of a mixed metaphor thete I think).

Every sat , that's got to stop op! You have to remind him your his wife and family and he should be spending most weekends with you as a family! You have let him get away with it for too long, you need to tell him some home truths!

Agree with all the others. MIL sounds like a cow but the real problem is your DH.

Oh god you're right. It is bad. I've really missed my son and husband today. And I'm just wondering what is being said about me or worse are they all just happily enjoying our son and pretending I don't exist Haha. At some point I will need to address this and come up with some kind of better arrangement. Sucks not spending a Saturday with your children.

It will be so awkward when the baby comes too. Especially if I decide to breastfeed for a few months like I did with my son.

I quizzed my husband on why he wants to go there and he was just like I still want to see my mum. How can I argue with that? Plus my son loves seeing her because she's lovely to him and spoils him... I'm getting fucked over big time here. I really don't know what to do anymore.