AIBU / Inappropriate behaviour at school..

[schoolissuehmmm]

Name changed for this.

My daughter came home today and told me a boy in her class had been saying "inappropriate" things to her and the other girls. Someone had made a complaint and the class teacher spoke to all the girls individually asking if this boy had "said inappropriate" things to them.

They are in Yr5 so I assumed it was "willies" "sexing" that sort of throwing around new words rudeness. Boys was I wrong.

This boy has been using really filthy vile phrases and words. I won't post them here but they are in detail graphic explanations of sexual acts, oral sex, insinuating the girls are gay and should do XYZ and show him, what he wants to do to them and so on. I felt sick hearing it actually. My daughter didn't know what some of the words meant. This has been going on for months and is daily and it appears constant.

I went in and spoke to the teacher before school. She said yes someone had complained, they've already "dealt with it". I asked how and she said they had spoken to him mum and it appears he is just "a little more inquisitive about sex than most of the other children".

I asked her if she actually knew what he had said and she said she had a good idea. I told her black and white some of the exact phrased and words he was using and said that obviously that's not just "inquisitiveness" she was shocked and said she thought he's just been silly and asking about sex. It appear the girls had been too embarrassed to tell her exactly what he's been saying. She said she would deal with it and turned to go. I was getting a little annoyed as it has upset my daughter and me so I asked her how and she said she would have to speak to the head teacher.

AIBU to be really upset by this? I am sure it is not normal for a 10 yr old boy to have the sexual vocabulary of a hooker. Seriously, some of the things he had said made MY skin crawl and I am a fairly open minded person. AIBU to expect something more to be done. (I don;t know what though).

Also to add this boy is often physical, not hurting as such and not sexually touching just very touchy, grabs people, pokes them in the arm, he pushed my daughters head yesterday (she said it didn't hurt but was annoying). I told the teacher this this morning and she said "he has been spoken to about keeping his hands to himself and already has targets for this" Targets? FFS. I feel sick that this kid is near my daughter. The other mums weren;t informed that their daughters had been spoken to by him in this vile way, I mentioned it at pickup this afternoon and they had no idea

I would assume they will be contacting social services.

yes you are right to be upset, and yes you are right to explain to the teacher exactly what was said. Make sure DD knows you are proud of her for coming to you and telling you the whole story, and you understand the incident has been unpleasant for her, and it is being taken seriously.

Thanks luggage. I'm glad she told me, I'm proud she did. I hope she knows she can always tell me and I told her she could have told me sooner and I could have dealt with it. They all seem to have accepted this is the way he is and they have to just put up with it.

Apparently the head teacher had a chat with the whole year group today about being sensible with what they know and not using inappropriate words to other children. It appears that's it.

I also hope they are contacting Child Services but the teacher seemed quite satisfied that she had spoken to his mum and she was gooing to "have a chat with him" so who knows.

As a teacher myself, there is no way you will know or be told what is going on behind the scenes. Safeguarding in schools is top priority and I imagine that there will be much being done than you are privy to.

It's so frustrating because I'm not sure how you can know they are taking it further.

They can't tell you they've contacted social services, so could well have done, but on the other hand they may not have done and be trying to minimize it.

I would speak to the head. Not to demand they share their actions, but to find out whether they are taking it seriously and have recorded it as a serious incident.

Don't worry, something more will be being done, but it isn't appropriate for the teacher to be discussing it with you.

Massive safe guarding issue. I'd expect that SS will be involved now but you won't hear anything due to confidentiality.

The teacher will not tell you what is being done to deal with it, it's likely you will never know the full story.

If anything else happens at all, go in and discuss it. Make appointments rather than having informal chats with the class teacher, it all helps build up a case for the school to push for intervention if the boy needs it, and encourage others to do the same.

Can you not gather some personal info about him and contact SS yourself?

This is now a child protection issue. You will never know how it has been dealt with, but teachers have specific training and procedures and it certainly won't have simply been sorted with an assembly.

Yes, I agree with everyone else, there'll be a lot more action yaken, but of course you won't know about it.

Meanwhile, your priority is obviously your daughter. She did the right thing to tell you. Make sure she tells you if anything else happens or is said. And if it does, go straight back to the school.

It isn't normal and what you described should have set off alarm bells for the teacher, but as others have said she cannot share the course of action taken with you.

What should happen is that this should all be disclosed immediately to the school Child Protection Officer and external services involved from there. However, whatever action is taken cannot be shared with parents.

What the HT said in assembly sounds quite normal, they will want to play down the actual details of what happened but warn pupils against copying or repeating things. It sounds like they acted appropriately in speaking to the girls privately, even if, unfortunately, it did not result in complete disclosure of what had been said.

Try not to worry, the school will be taking action. Cases like this are difficult for schools and parents as schools are not able to isolate or remove pupils without collating a significant body or evidence. At least you know that yoy have done exactly the right thing by your daughter and you have an excellent relationship with her.

The something more is addressing this with the head and deciding how to proceed, which I assume will mean involving other agencies and maintaining this boy's privacy as well as that of his family. This kind of behaviour is not normal and may point to the boy being a victim, so all you can do is take care of your daughter and make sure that you keep in touch with the school about any other incidents that arise.

Thank everyone

Having been in the situation where a boy behaved inappropriately to my dd, a very important question that I think you need to ask the school is "How are you going to protect dd?" She needs to feel safe at school. I know that my dd would not feel safe around this boy.

I think you need to write down exactly what your DD said and give it to the Head Teacher....email it and keep a copy. You're not wrong to take this very seriously indeed. It's not acceptable and the boy obviously could be in an abusive situation or at least (!) accessing porn on the net.

You need to know that it won't EVER happen again and the girls need their experience to be acknowledged and I personally think they need an apology too. It's vital that girls aren't allowed to think that anyone can just say things like this to them....

As someone said, you may never know how the boy's situation is dealt with but you MUST know how they are going to help the girls realise how wrong this was and that they are in no way to blame.

Yes, I can't imagine they would NOT be contacting SS over something like this. This boy obviously needs an intervention. He's either been abused himself or exposed to porn and abused that way.

But, his issues should not be trickling over onto your daughter. They need to separate him, keep a closer eye on him, and definitely crack down on what he's doing so he knows it's wrong.

Can the op ask if as have been informed - just confirm that it has been escalated? If the op is unsure would it hurt if she contacted ss so they are definitely informed if the school won't/can't say.

From the OP, " My daughter didn't know what some of the words meant. This has been going on for months and is daily and it appears constant."

How on earth have no teachers or other staff missed this 'for months' it beggars belief. I'd go direct to SS myself and say 'I know school are contacting you about this but I know it's much more serious than they assume and they have not noticed it happening for X months. Then give SS explicit details of what the boy has said and done. Then leave it with them.

That way you know that they are aware of what was actually said and done to your daughter, there's no filter through a third party.

OP, please don't go round telling any more of the other parents about this. The boy in question is highly likely to have been abused or to be living in very abusive circumstances, and it really wouldn't be fair to demonise him, whatever he has done.

I'm not shocked that the school didn't notice it. Abusers are clever and well organised - they do it out of earshot of others. If (and I think it is highly likely) the boy is being abused, he will have learned that you don't say or do things in earshot of others. It will only get discovered when a victim comes forward. Hence how a child can be abused in their own home for years, with at least one parent being completely oblivious.

The teacher acted appropriately in the first instance as the girls hadn't given the whole story (I don't blame the girls for that, they were clearly embarrassed). In light of the new evidence, she did the right thing going to the head teacher who could advise her. What should now happen is that a child protection referral is made and social services will be involved. They can't tell you what happens. If you are still concerned, rather than go straight to SS, ask to speak to the person in charge of safeguarding at the school.

As another poster said please don't tell other parents. What your daughter was told by the boy is horrible, but he is probably living it :(

I think I would ask to see the head, to be sure that it is being dealt with. They won't tell you but at least you can gauge how seriously it's being taken. I would definitely be asking how my child was being protected.

And I would be speaking to my friends among the mums at school so we could all be aware if what was going on.

Please don't speak to the other mums, it is in a way breaking the boy's confidence. I am very passionate about child protection and been on courses where I have heard hideous things. My heart breaks for what might have happened to that little boy. Please, please don't tell anyone else (aside from professionals who can actually do something) it is not fair on him for everyone else to know the details of his life.

By all means ask how your daughter is being protected. It may simply be close supervision of the boy - now staff are aware it is much easier to monitor what is happening. They should have procedures in place now the situation has come to light.