AIBU / Inappropriate behaviour at school..

[schoolissuehmmm]

Name changed for this.

My daughter came home today and told me a boy in her class had been saying "inappropriate" things to her and the other girls. Someone had made a complaint and the class teacher spoke to all the girls individually asking if this boy had "said inappropriate" things to them.

They are in Yr5 so I assumed it was "willies" "sexing" that sort of throwing around new words rudeness. Boys was I wrong.

This boy has been using really filthy vile phrases and words. I won't post them here but they are in detail graphic explanations of sexual acts, oral sex, insinuating the girls are gay and should do XYZ and show him, what he wants to do to them and so on. I felt sick hearing it actually. My daughter didn't know what some of the words meant. This has been going on for months and is daily and it appears constant.

I went in and spoke to the teacher before school. She said yes someone had complained, they've already "dealt with it". I asked how and she said they had spoken to him mum and it appears he is just "a little more inquisitive about sex than most of the other children".

I asked her if she actually knew what he had said and she said she had a good idea. I told her black and white some of the exact phrased and words he was using and said that obviously that's not just "inquisitiveness" she was shocked and said she thought he's just been silly and asking about sex. It appear the girls had been too embarrassed to tell her exactly what he's been saying. She said she would deal with it and turned to go. I was getting a little annoyed as it has upset my daughter and me so I asked her how and she said she would have to speak to the head teacher.

AIBU to be really upset by this? I am sure it is not normal for a 10 yr old boy to have the sexual vocabulary of a hooker. Seriously, some of the things he had said made MY skin crawl and I am a fairly open minded person. AIBU to expect something more to be done. (I don;t know what though).

Spreading this information around the playground is just wrong whichever way you wish to present it.

It's been awful for the children involved but leave it to the professionals and stop seeing it as your role to be the protector.

Go and see the HT if you feel it's necessary but that's where it should stop.

God, don't tell the other parents. Please don't gossip. The school will handle it. Just keep the lines of communication open with your DD. And give her the confidence to tell this boy not to use those words around her and to report to the teacher.

There is no good reason for your telling other parents, except that you really really want to.
Really bad gossipy shite.

Why would you feel the need to gossip about a poor little boy ?

He might be being inappropriate and need showing the right way. Things like this could ruin his entire school career by gossiping parents.

I don't think it's gossip to tell other parents with girls who have been on the receiving end of boys behaviour. It's enabling the parents to support their daughters who have been on the receiving end of some vile language. What could be wrong with that? The last thing that should happen is the school sweeping the girls treatment under the carpet and minimalising it.

The boy also needs support and boundaries. He might need support beyond what the school can offer and infact SS probably are best to deal with it to ensure things are truly ok at home and there isn't abuse going on.

Only tell them the minimal facts and nothing more.

My DD's primary has just had a parents event to highlight bullying and her schools policy. This would most definitely come under sexual bulling. Maybe asking the school about their bullying policy might focus them a little more?

I hope your DD is okay.

The girls have been harmed and the boy has been harmed - families/Ss need to know so that they can work out the best way to move forward

I wouldn't tell the parents. It's still just gossip, however factually based.

And whilst the school absolutely will not tell you what steps they are taking with regard to the boy, you are absolutely within your rights to ask what will be done to safeguard your DC and the other children.

And the HT should be able to answer that without involving any actions being taken to deal with/help the other child.

You are certainly entitled to ask how they intend to protect your daughter going forward, but data protection will apply very strictly in the case of the boy concerned, so you will not be told anything else.

Many schools these days do have designated members of staff who deal with student welfare and child protection, liaising with social services and any other outside agencies etc., so there will be a lot going on behind the scenes. You just won't see it.

As for spreading it around all of the other parents, please don't. This boy could well be in a very dodgy situation as others have said. It needs careful handling, and playground gossip would not be helpful there.

Sidthesausage It is the school who should and will tell the parents. It's not playground gossip. It would be disgraceful for any parent to take it into their own hands!

It is true that you are (anyone is) at liberty to call SS yourself, but in the first instance, the thing to do might be just simply to ask whether the teacher has informed the Safeguarding officer at school (normally the Head or Deputy. I would be very surprised if that had not been done.

Stop going around talking to other parents about this.

I work within a primary school.

OP, you would be regarded as 'that parent' if you chose to 'rally the other parents'. As said by many posters, you aren't privy to any further information, that's how safeguarding works.

"I don't quite see why it's a choice between the girls being the victims, and the boy being a victim. We don't have to divide the world into victims and villains, especially when we're talking about children. It's very sadly possible to be both, and by early intervention, maybe we can reduce the amount of grown up bad people... Which would be a great thing yes?"

Totally agree MiscellaneousAssortment

SidtheSausage, of course it's gossip if one parent chooses to spread this information around. It's the school's job, not that of some self-appointed parent.

A lot depends on how much you trust the school to deal with this properly, for everyone involved, rather than hush it up.

My ds is now in Y5 has been bullied on and off since Reception by a boy in his class with behavioural probs. The school have been appalling at handling it, mostly ignoring my complaints until I threaten to escalate.

In Y3 a different child was bullied by the same boy to the extent that he was kept off school for a while as he was too distressed to attend. Only at that point did his mum tell us in the playground how bad things were and what the HT teacher had been fobbing her off with - 2 other mums then piped up and said they were in similar positions. We all wished we had had this conversation years earlier.

It wasn't idle gossip but it made a difference to be able to discuss what had been going on wrt the HT in particular who had been lying to us all.

We have all still only seen tiny improvements and the HT tells us that action is being taken but cannot discuss it with me or any of the others who are having probs. We haven't seen any evidence of anything changing and nor have our children, so the bullying continues on and off and we have to trust that the school are doing everything to help this child. That's it.

I feel a bit sorry for the boy but, if my daughter were in the position of the OP's, I would feel more for her.

My first thought when the OP said that he was 10 was Thompson and Venables who were 10 at the time. This boy is a singleton though.

OP, leave it to the 'authorities' to deal with the matter but just watch out for your daughter and perhaps keep a diary of what she or her friends report to you.

"I feel a bit sorry for the boy but, if my daughter were in the position of the OP's, I would feel more for her."

That makes you sound really unpleasant. You have no idea what this child may being exposed to.

Surely a parent mother would feel more for her own child's welfare. The welfare of the 'little' boy is in the hands of others.

I feel a bit sorry for the boy but, if my daughter were in the position of the OP's, I would feel more for her

My first thought when the OP said that he was 10 was Thompson and Venables who were 10 at the time. This boy is a singleton though

You know, one of the things that makes me most sad about the legacy of childhood abuse (assuming this boy is in an abusive environment, which would be incredibly likely IMO) is societies attitudes to the victims. In all its dressed up language, it just means - "children must just get over sexual abuse". "It's all very well to be abused, but you can't be a true victim if you are affected by an inappopriate envionment and hence show signs of it by your behaviour". "Real victims just get over it and never ever say anything sexually inappropriate as a result of sexual abuse, or never show aggressive behaviour if they have been physically abused/exposed to lots of domestic violence". This subtle (or not so subtle, if you weren't pretending to care about the welfare of the victims in the first place) attitude is VERY prevalent. And it makes me want to bash my head against the table I'm sitting at, or weep. Or both.

OP by all means ask the school what they are going to do to help protect your DD/the other children. But a subject like this, I just would not speak to the other parents myself. Because a hysterical parent mob bullying a 10 year old whilst not actually giving a damn about child protection/safeguarding issues, is a rather likely outcome, unfortunately

'I think it is highly likely) the boy is being abused'

ReallY?. the first thing I thought is that he has a teenage brother who he has overheard saying this stuff

I would absolutely let the other parents know, they shouldn't be in the dark about this happening to their children. Hellskitty does have a point maybe it's something he over heard. I do hope so and not something more sinister. Disgusting either way.

As someone who's brother was sexually abused, as far as I am aware, he did talk about inappropriate things as far as I know, it's a symptom of being abused and completely normal (for a child subjected to sexual abuse). Ask the school if you want about the safety of the other children (and it probably won't be just the girls exposed to this?) but rounding up a pack who will victimise the kid who may well have been abused is completely wrong, imo.