AIBU / Inappropriate behaviour at school..

[schoolissuehmmm]

Name changed for this.

My daughter came home today and told me a boy in her class had been saying "inappropriate" things to her and the other girls. Someone had made a complaint and the class teacher spoke to all the girls individually asking if this boy had "said inappropriate" things to them.

They are in Yr5 so I assumed it was "willies" "sexing" that sort of throwing around new words rudeness. Boys was I wrong.

This boy has been using really filthy vile phrases and words. I won't post them here but they are in detail graphic explanations of sexual acts, oral sex, insinuating the girls are gay and should do XYZ and show him, what he wants to do to them and so on. I felt sick hearing it actually. My daughter didn't know what some of the words meant. This has been going on for months and is daily and it appears constant.

I went in and spoke to the teacher before school. She said yes someone had complained, they've already "dealt with it". I asked how and she said they had spoken to him mum and it appears he is just "a little more inquisitive about sex than most of the other children".

I asked her if she actually knew what he had said and she said she had a good idea. I told her black and white some of the exact phrased and words he was using and said that obviously that's not just "inquisitiveness" she was shocked and said she thought he's just been silly and asking about sex. It appear the girls had been too embarrassed to tell her exactly what he's been saying. She said she would deal with it and turned to go. I was getting a little annoyed as it has upset my daughter and me so I asked her how and she said she would have to speak to the head teacher.

AIBU to be really upset by this? I am sure it is not normal for a 10 yr old boy to have the sexual vocabulary of a hooker. Seriously, some of the things he had said made MY skin crawl and I am a fairly open minded person. AIBU to expect something more to be done. (I don;t know what though).

Quite honestly I am most concerned about ensuring the girls are protected from this boy so I feel it necessary to tell the parents as it is clear the school have no intentions of doing so. The girls he has said these things to need to be spoken to by their parents, need to know their parents know and that they are free to talk about how they feel and ask questions if they want or need to. The school have no intention of informing the parents this has happened. I have not named the boy to them but I am sure when they speak to their daughters they will name him.

Also I'm a

YANBU to want something more to do be done but I can assure you that it will be done. It's not your right to know though. They need to protect this child and other children.

All children need to be protected btw, not just girls. The boys are likely to be hearing this too.

Well safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. Hopefully the school have followed their policy and passed it on but op there is nothing stopping you reporting it yourself.

You could contact your local social services department and pass it on. They would probably contact the school to see if they had followed it up.

By the way op I didn't mean it's your responsibility to sort it out! What you have done already should be enough... I just meant you could pass it on too in case school haven't!

OP, you really have no idea what the school intends to do. From your posts, it seems pretty clear that initially their response was low key because the girls hadn't given them all the details. But once you had told the teacher, she told you she was going to speak to the head. How on earth do you work out from that that they have no intention of doing anything to protect the girls? As others have told you, what will happen now is that child protection procedures will be put into place both in relation to the boy and to the girls, but no-one is going to come back to you and give you details because they aren't allowed to. If you are really concerned about the other parents and children, go and talk to the head about it, don't appoint yourself the town crier on this.

What really concerns me is that by going round the playground telling all the parents, you are in danger of getting the playground mafia worked up and demonising that little boy and you may do an awful lot of harm, not just to him.

You and your little girl have done absolutely the right thing in drawing this to the school's attention. Please leave it to them and Social Services now.

The school will sort this they just cant telll you god knows what this boy has been exposed too to speak like that, your poor dd though being abused like that

What really concerns me is that by going round the playground telling all the parents, you are in danger of getting the playground mafia worked up and demonising that little boy and you may do an awful lot of harm, not just to him.

I totally agree. What you are doing is stirring up trouble.

But OP, why the concern for the girls but not the little boy? You do understand he's just a little boy who's probably being abused? He's not an evil villain, but a victim too...

Misc you can;t assume that. He might be in a situation where he's accessing porn....which is BAD and abusive but his behaviour doesn't mean he's suffering physical abuse. And really...let's not forget that the girls are the victims in the main.

OP as a parent of girls I would appreciate being told. My DD wouldn't repeat the things you're intimating were said...I would want to know.

Actually, a child of his age seeing porn (and it does not sound life soft porn) is abuse and child sex abuse onwards boys is under reported. Bit at worrying particularly about girls. In this particular situation, it is a risk for both boys and girls.

I think you need to ring SS.

Forever yes...I acknowledged it was abuse for the boy too. I am saying that the OPs girl and the others have been affected by a child who is in a situation which could damage them....it's not ok. Their experience needs to be acknowledged and they need some kind of support...at least in the shape of a chat to ensure they know it was not their fault and the boy was wrong to share these things.

Maryz year 5...so they'll be between 9 and 10. Some almost 11 at this time of year. Old enough to know what's not ok but young enough in the boy's case to be very vulnerable to older siblings. And I want to say here that these things are not always adult led cases of abuse.

My DD started getting bad nightmares last year in year 4. She was just 9 and a girl in her class it turned out had been telling her awful, awful stories which from what DD told me I recognised as "CreepyPasta" which is a website for spooky tales but many are bloody and awful and disturbing.

The girl had told her about Chucky the doll and about kids getting murdered in their beds and barns with dead bodies in them etc and her sibling had exposed her to all this. Her sibling at 14 should have known better but of course, nothing happened as what could I do? Tell the teacher that my DD was terrified of a ghost story at breaktime?

Maryz, the boy is 10.

I don't think anyone suggests the girls haven't been harmed. But you won't help them by spreading gossip through the playground, and it's for the school to tell the parents, not OP.

what could I do? Tell the teacher that my DD was terrified of a ghost story at breaktime?

Of course you could! If your dc1 was upsetting your dc3 by telling them scary stories at home, how would you deal with it? Surely one of the actions you would take would be to stop the story-telling? Why would you not expect the teachers to do the same at school? Perhaps the other child is unaware of the effects of her story-telling, perhaps she is and is doing it deliberately. Either way something is going on at school that is causing a child distress, therefore it is part of the teacher's job to deal with it.

I can understand why you would want to tell the other parents, especially if, like your DD, they don't understand what has been said to them or only partially understand. It makes the parents aware of what might crop up in conversation with their DD's later on.

But you can't tell the other parents, otherwise by the end of the week its around the school and this boy will have no peace.

The reason the issue of telling other parents bothers me is an incident a few years ago. There was a report of a little boy having in some way sexually assaulted a slightly younger child in the school playground; however, after extensive, very careful investigation by the school and social services, it was concluded that it was no more than a minor incident whilst playing and there was no sexual action or intent. The "victim" in particular wasn't aware of anything having happened. So far so good, everything sorted out, no damage done.

Then the mother of one of the children who had been on the periphery decided to appoint herself investigating officer, judge, jury and executioner. Her child, who really couldn't have seen anything much and was known to have a vivid imagination, had apparently seen something different, and that was enough for this mother. She went marching off to the mother of the "victim" and did her utmost to wind her up to make a complaint - fortunately, said mother was sensible, had already spoken to her child and was satisfied nothing had happened, so wasn't drawn. Witness' mother also complained vociferously to the school, suggesting that she should for some reason have had a blow by blow report of what the school was doing and what the investigation revealed. She was incredibly indignant that they'd spoken to her child about the incident without her being present, even though she reluctantly that they needed to speak to witnesses without delay and that the questioning had been done in by an adult her child knew and trusted, and had been totally neutral. She was even more indignant that the version given by her child the following day (which had changed significantly after child had been wound up by her) wasn't believed implicitly - even though the school were really careful to say that they weren't saying that her child was a liar, merely that she probably misunderstood or had a different perception.

Finally, either because she was frustrated that she wasn't getting anywhere or loving all the fuss (or both), she went round the playground saying that her child's version, which was getting ever more exaggerated, was the gospel truth, and wasn't it dreadful that this little boy was allowed to stay in the school around their little ones. And inevitably, mud stuck, the boy was increasingly ostracised, until eventually he had to be moved to another school.

I'm not saying, of course, that OP would behave like this, but it is an illustration of the dangers of parents taking it on themselves to do the school's job for them when child protection issues arise.

To clarify I said 'abused', which doesnt translate into just meaning 'physically abused'.

A situation in which a 10 year old has been exposed to such hard core porn, and enough of it to learn and remember graphic terms, well... I'd call that an abusive situation.

I don't quite see why it's a choice between the girls being the victims, and the boy being a victim. We don't have to divide the world into victims and villains, especially when we're talking about children. It's very sadly possible to be both, and by early intervention, maybe we can reduce the amount of grown up bad people... Which would be a great thing yes?

No one here is saying that the effect on the girls must be ignored, and their experiences or need to be protected is in no way belittled by also acknowledging that this boy must be protected too. I don't believe there is a finite amount of protection that must be apportioned?

As Who said "In this particular situation, it is a risk for both boys and girls."

Icimoi while I see that the incident you speak of was very wrong...in the OP's case I think she'd be very lax not to tell the other parents of the girls involved.

Anther mother told me her child and another girl in my DDs class had been accessing innapropriate sites and as my DD was friendly with them, she thought I should know so I could check if my DD had seen similar.

Please don't tell the parents.

It is awful that the girls have been subjected this. I hope that they do not feel unsafe or threatened but this little boy will never escape if he is labelled.

Telling the other parents could potentially be putting this boy in question at risk. God, I am astounded at ignorant some people can be about things like this. The only person to speak to the parents of the children involved should be school. Back off, you could be playing with fire.