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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh probably could have texted me earlier....

121 replies

Tory79 · 20/06/2014 19:16

Dh normally home from work about 545 if he's working locally. He works away a lot and is normally only home maybe 2 evenings a week so I look forward to eating together with ds etc.

This has happened a couple of times before, but again tonight I got a text about 540 to say sorry, his meeting had overrun and he would be leaving in about 15m.

It might just be me, but I generally think it's acceptable in a meeting that looks like it's going to overrun to say sorry, I just need to quickly let my wife know I'll be late back..... Isn't it? As it, I was expecting him home in a few minutes, dinner virtually cooked etc etc

I fully realise that these things happen and he can't help what happens in meetings so it's not that I'm annoyed he was late, but taking 30 seconds out to warn me in advance would seem reasonable to me?

(Ps he went to work in jeans and tshirt so it can't have been the worlds most important meeting either!)

OP posts:

plantsitter · 21/06/2014 10:16

Yes, but I would not plan a family meal for directly after it if I knew it wasn't certain to end on time. Just like I wouldn't arrange any other meeting directly after it unless it was the kind I could ring and say 'ok I'm ready now let's meet'. And if it were a last minute meeting I would think it acceptable to delay the start of it by 2 secs while I dashed off a text.

The thing is that I think people would do this for any other kind of meeting but for some reason not for family appointments.

Hoofdegebouw · 21/06/2014 10:58

OP Yanbu to feel aggrieved. You've already said several times that you realise you're probably being U to expect him to text.
I know how bloody irritating it is to be expecting someone home and find out at the exact time you were expecting them to walk through the door that they're going to be another hour.
Dh used to do this a lot - except he would text "so and so just bought me another half so I'll finish that then be home". So annoying - and in his case rude. He doesn't do it any more.
In your dh's case though he couldn't really let you know. Possibly even more annoying to know that your annoyance isn't really justifiable!

IsItMeOr · 21/06/2014 12:52

OP, I can absolutely understand your frustration that - from what you are telling us - your DH does not place as high a value on eating as a family during the week as you do.

I would really struggle with the set up you have, of DH being away a lot during the week. I know lots of people have to do it, but that doesn't make it easy. So I do realise that is already tough for you.

A couple of things that stood out to me in what you have said, which isn't what you seem to be focusing on is:

I can't believe your DH isn't eating the meal you have prepared when he gets in later (toad in the hole = yum surely?!?). If this is happening all the time, I suggest you address it, as the current arrangement seems guaranteed to build tension.

If DH or I were away overnight, I'd always expect/receive a goodnight call from him, unless we'd explained in advance why it wouldn't be possible. Might this be something that you could change, so that you have a chance to off-load some of your day with another adult?

Hope helpful :)

whois · 21/06/2014 12:56

It might just be me, but I generally think it's acceptable in a meeting that looks like it's going to overrun to say sorry, I just need to quickly let my wife know I'll be late back.....

Ha ha ha. No, no it is not really acceptable to say you need to text your wife because the meeting is over running by 15 mins.

MissDuke · 21/06/2014 12:57

YANBU to be disappointed that your rare opportunity for a family meal was spoilt. However you do need to see his point of view too. I get very frustrated too when hubby comes home later than expected but deep down I know it isn't his fault. Hope you get another chance soon.

GreenPetal94 · 21/06/2014 18:56

it is possible to text under the table sometimes, but no I would not interrupt a meeting

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/06/2014 19:26

No, OP, it's not possible. Nobody would text from any meetings that I've been to. It would be extremely frowned upon. A planned mealtime isn't an emergency, it just isn't.

You have the weekends to do things as a family and you can eat with your DS each evening if the mealtimes can't be delayed.

namechangenurse · 21/06/2014 19:47

So your DH was 20 minutes late ? or have I got it wrong?
Do a nice teatime with your DC in the early evening and if DH gets there then fine -if not no one is hurt.
I really wouldn't be setting your DH up for extra pressure nor your DC for disappointment ifyswim ?

Original poster

Tory79 · 21/06/2014 19:54

I never described it as an emergency lying and yes I eat with ds every evening. It is however nice to have some adult company once or twice a week as well, and most people do,get some family time in the week as well - it's not that unusual!

Oh and up until ds was born I worked. I have been to meetings you know!! Probably a mix of ones where texting or phone use in general would never happen, and ones where people wouldn't think much of it.

whois the meeting clearly overran by more than 15m as he only texted at the time he was due to be home, so at least 45m or so, at the end of the day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tory79 · 21/06/2014 19:56

namechange he was about an hour late in the end. In case you've not read any of my other replies most of the time dh is not back for tea, I just like to make the most of the once or twice that he is.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/06/2014 19:58

Fair enough, OP. Texting wouldn't be allowed in any meetings that I've attended so it seems kind of outré to me. I know you didn't say it was an emergency but you'd already had a text...

However, why doesn't he eat your food that you've prepared? That is very unreasonable - of him - not you.

namechangenurse · 21/06/2014 20:01

But you are setting your DC up for disappointment.
If he is on time then yippee ,if not they are unaware.

Its really not good to set your DC up to be watching the window for DH who isnt on time.
my DC had teatime at 5pm - DH rarely there , they didn't expect him,I was there, no drama.

Original poster

Tory79 · 21/06/2014 20:07

Not sure I understand that lying - I had only the text at the time he was due home, and i was hypothesising that it would have been nice to have known earlier before dinner was virtually ready and I was expecting him to walk through the door.... So no it's not because I thought it was an emergency, just that it would have been polite/nice to have a little more warning. He does have form for this though in general, so I probably take it a bit more to heart even in more difficult circumstances. Although if any of you could see how attached he is to his phone at those you would probably understand a bit more..... He thinks nothing of sitting and texting/emailing even while we're out for a meal or something, so I guess a. It's hard for me to visualise him ever not doing that and b. it feels a bit rubbish that he puts so little significance on our time together in comparison, if that makes sense.....

Why doesn't he eat the food? I really don't know. I am careful to only cook things he likes when he's due home (he's quite fussy) I think he's just not that in to mealtimes. If I said he never needed to eat with us I think he'd be more than happy about it, which makes me rather sad

OP posts:

Original poster

Tory79 · 21/06/2014 20:10

namechange if dh is telling me he will definitely be home I don't see the harm in telling ds that!! And he is normally on time pretty much when he's working locally.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/06/2014 20:15

Ah, now I understand. I got it immediately with your last sentence that if he can text whilst you're out together (when really he shouldn't be) then he does defy conventional rules... and still chooses not to and that makes you feel crap. Got it. Yes, I'd be miffed too.

The mealtimes thing is not really ok. You're either a family or you aren't and mealtimes, when eating together IS possible, is something to be done as a family. I think you should talk to him about how miserable this makes you because I think that's the crux of it, you're on tenterhooks already because of this... then you have the non-communication to add insult to injury. Did I understand you correctly?

Talk to him, Tory.

namechangenurse · 21/06/2014 20:16

I think you are over thinking/getting worked up over this.
If he is sometimes not able to leave on time I wouldn't risk upsetting my DC but keep them to their usual schedule.
If he does make it - great, if not, no one is hurt.

Figster · 21/06/2014 20:19

Er no you can't walk out of a meeting to text that you'll be late home. Yabu!!

Deftones · 21/06/2014 20:39

Have you ever had a job, OP? Have you ever had to sit in a meeting? YABU 100%

Original poster

Tory79 · 21/06/2014 20:44

deftones any chance you could RTFT?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tory79 · 21/06/2014 20:45

Thanks lying, that pretty much sums it up!

OP posts:

Deftones · 21/06/2014 20:47

Nah, couldn't be arsed...

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