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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh probably could have texted me earlier....

121 replies

Tory79 · 20/06/2014 19:16

Dh normally home from work about 545 if he's working locally. He works away a lot and is normally only home maybe 2 evenings a week so I look forward to eating together with ds etc.

This has happened a couple of times before, but again tonight I got a text about 540 to say sorry, his meeting had overrun and he would be leaving in about 15m.

It might just be me, but I generally think it's acceptable in a meeting that looks like it's going to overrun to say sorry, I just need to quickly let my wife know I'll be late back..... Isn't it? As it, I was expecting him home in a few minutes, dinner virtually cooked etc etc

I fully realise that these things happen and he can't help what happens in meetings so it's not that I'm annoyed he was late, but taking 30 seconds out to warn me in advance would seem reasonable to me?

(Ps he went to work in jeans and tshirt so it can't have been the worlds most important meeting either!)

OP posts:
BuildYourOwnSnowman · 20/06/2014 21:48

what looks unprofessional is the fact that he would have been clock watching. His mind should be on the topic discussed and not his dinner plans

Original poster
Tory79 · 20/06/2014 21:49

I don't think he thinks like that either unfortunately fairy! I remember once while we were just dating and at the time in a long distance relationship living about 2.5 hours apart. We were going on holiday and he was driving to me to pick me up at 3. I texted him about 230 to say I'd just popped to the shops and would be back ASAP.... To be told he hadn't even left yet!!! I'm not sure at what point I would have found if I'd not texted then Hmm

(Oh and just to be clear, he definitely wasn't in a meeting that day Grin)

OP posts:
Ragwort · 20/06/2014 21:54

You can still sit with your DS whilst he is eating and keep him company - I used to do that and eat fruit crisps Grin.

Original poster
Tory79 · 20/06/2014 21:56

Problem is that if I sit with him and eat anything other than the same as him guess what he will want to eat...... unless it was a vegetable of some kind Grin

OP posts:
EBearhug · 21/06/2014 00:38

I don't think he thinks like that either unfortunately fairy! I remember once while we were just dating and at the time in a long distance relationship living about 2.5 hours apart. We were going on holiday and he was driving to me to pick me up at 3. I texted him about 230 to say I'd just popped to the shops and would be back ASAP.... To be told he hadn't even left yet!!! I'm not sure at what point I would have found if I'd not texted then hmm

I nearly dumped a former boyfriend over a similar event - I was at the point of thinking about phoning round hospitals and so on (4 hours late by then. In the days before mobile phones.) He'd just got up a bit later than planned, and hadn't thought to mention it - if I'd known, I could have done a load of stuff in town, but as far as I knew, he'd be turning up any minute. To be fair to him, he always let me know if he was going to be significantly late after that. But it is a bit more than an overrunning meeting.

SweetsForMySweet · 21/06/2014 00:56

YAB slightly U. It is annoying but work =money=pays the bills and makes ends meet! so for the sake of an extra few minutes it is not worth an argument imho! You can choose to let the fact that he is leaving work 10 mins later than planned go or you can argue about it once he gets home and ruin both your evenings and probably upset your ds to hear or see his parents arguing.

Joysmum · 21/06/2014 03:01

We've been through the same thing. I do dinner for 6.30pm, DH was supposed to let me know if he wasn't going to make it so A) we aren't waiting for him B) we like to eat earlier so would if we knew he wouldn't be home.

What's helped is having 'Find My Friends' on our phones. I can see if he's likely to be late by where he is.

He also has a template text, which sometimes he can send without drawing attention to himself, telling me he'll be late and another when he drops a call saying 'can't talk now will call you back' if anyone happens to call him when he's in a meeting. All done with one button push.

MidniteScribbler · 21/06/2014 03:35

I think you need to get the hint that either your cooking is not that great, or he doesn't want to eat the minute he walks through the door.

My elderly relative who lives with me does this, I walk in and immediately greeted with 'what's for dinner?", so not only am I expected to eat straight away, but also to cook it. People who are at home all day don't realise that those of us who are at work might want to come home, get changed, have a wine, sit still for ten minutes, etc before being fed and nagged at.

HerRoyalNotness · 21/06/2014 03:46

DH always texts me in meetings they're so bloody boring unless the company had a specific rule about it, he wouldn't need to leave the room to do so. Our company in one division had fines if your phone rang in a meeting and then a steeper one if you answered it. Always raised a lot for charity by the end of the year.

Spermysextowel · 21/06/2014 03:48

I don't think the op expects him to cook it. It takes 2 minutes to change, then he could have a whine, sit still while the person who has been home all day puts their child to bed & explains that daddy doesn't want to be nagged at.

Happybeard · 21/06/2014 04:06

The only time it would be acceptable to break from a meeting to text you're partner that you'll be late is if it runs way in to the evening and the person leading the meeting suggests everyone do so. It could have been an internal meeting or one they weren't expecting, hence he wasn't dressed smartly.

musicalendorphins2 · 21/06/2014 05:38

I suggest if it is very important to you that you eat together, that you change mealtime to a later time, so you know he will be home in time.
Or some other creative compromise.
Ypu know of the expression(s) "Don't sweat the small stuff" or "Choose your battles"?

They are meant to help people realize sometimes some things are not worth getting worked up over.

Happybeard · 21/06/2014 05:52

Have you asked him what time he'd like dinner? I'd be annoyed if I was expected to eat at 5.40 to suit a child. I'd be starving again by 8!

Longdistance · 21/06/2014 06:40

Gah! My dh is like this. Sometimes doesn't ring me Angry

I've just learnt to cook dinner, get on with it, and leave some for him to heat up when he can be bothered to show his mug when he gets home. Don't wait for him, just carry on as usual, and he can fit around you and dc.

jaynebxl · 21/06/2014 06:47

My dh texts every day to say he's in the car now so I know that all being well he will be home in half an hour. So then I put the dinner on.
When my dc were smaller I would cook for them for about 5 and sit with them while they ate ao we could chat but I always ate with dh when he got home an hour or so later, or actually usually then we would eat in peace about 7.30 once the dc went to bed. Now they're bigger we usually eat together about half an hour after he texts.
Ans no I definitely wouldn't expect him to text feom a meeting. I'm another one where at my work we are told at the start of a meeting to turn our phones off or put them on silent.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 21/06/2014 07:03

You do realise this makes sahms look rather silly? It's fine to be a bit annoyed at late texts to say "x is going for a beer, I am too, see you when I see you" as that has wider implications on freedom/social aspects but just dinner? Now the working lot think the home lot are mad as a box of frogs.

daisychain01 · 21/06/2014 07:19

If your DHs office convention is dress-down Friday, then surely everyone goes dressed like that, business meetings are run as normal, Bob's yer Uncle.

I think your DH sounds like he's being thoughtful to have texted you for 15 mins delay... in the grand scheme of business not a big thing.

Unfortunately work and home priorities don't always coincide as neatly as they might, I wouldn't be harsh on him.

HarrySnotter · 21/06/2014 07:29

I always eat with DCs because I wanted to. We ate at 6pm and I hate eating later than that on a normal meal at home evening because I get too hungry and end up eating crap to tide me over. I plate something up for DH and I sit and chat to him while he eats but I'd much rather eat with thr DCs and so does he if he's home. YABU about the text but not about him not eating the meal that was made for him!

IsItMeOr · 21/06/2014 07:30

This all sounds a bit intense for him missing one dinner and letting you know before you would have expected him there.

There's more to this, isn't there?

LivinLaVidaLocal · 21/06/2014 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 21/06/2014 07:35

id be pissed off if my dp was working away so much that i saw him twice a week, he was on his phone the whole time and did t even think to let me know he was going to be late back on a rare meal night.

KarlWrenbury · 21/06/2014 07:37

fgs eat with your kid and leave his on a plate

you sound rather Victorian

3littlefrogs · 21/06/2014 07:39

I don't think my DC ever had dinner as a family until they were old enough to stay up till 9pm.

Dh always worked 12 hour days - still does. When Dc were small they had their evening meal at 5pm. I would sit at the table with them and have a cup of tea, then do bedtime between 6 and 7. I would then have dinner with DH at about 8pm.

We always had casseroles, pasta, stuff that could be made in advance.

IsItMeOr · 21/06/2014 07:40

During the week (Mon-Fri), the general pattern is for whichever of us (i.e. DH or me) is at home that day will eat their evening meal with DS, and the other will eat after they've got home from work and read bedtime story to DS.

We all eat together at the weekend. Once in a while, we'll have a week night where DS eats as usual, and DH and I eat together after DS is in bed.

Your arrangement sounds a bit too prone to disruptions and therefore stressful for me.

macdoodle · 21/06/2014 07:43

If I'm in work running late there is no way in hell I could just pop out for a text. You do know you are being utterly ridiculous.

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