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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh probably could have texted me earlier....

121 replies

Tory79 · 20/06/2014 19:16

Dh normally home from work about 545 if he's working locally. He works away a lot and is normally only home maybe 2 evenings a week so I look forward to eating together with ds etc.

This has happened a couple of times before, but again tonight I got a text about 540 to say sorry, his meeting had overrun and he would be leaving in about 15m.

It might just be me, but I generally think it's acceptable in a meeting that looks like it's going to overrun to say sorry, I just need to quickly let my wife know I'll be late back..... Isn't it? As it, I was expecting him home in a few minutes, dinner virtually cooked etc etc

I fully realise that these things happen and he can't help what happens in meetings so it's not that I'm annoyed he was late, but taking 30 seconds out to warn me in advance would seem reasonable to me?

(Ps he went to work in jeans and tshirt so it can't have been the worlds most important meeting either!)

OP posts:
Branleuse · 21/06/2014 07:44

id be pissed off if my dp was working away so much that i saw him twice a week, he was on his phone the whole time and did t even think to let me know he was going to be late back on a rare meal night.

eurochick · 21/06/2014 07:47

YABU, OP. I wouldn't step out of a meeting to text and I wouldn't expect my husband to either.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 21/06/2014 07:49

I work and my DH stays home. Would be very stressed if I had to be home so early for a meal. I come home when the jobs of the day are done and take home what I can do later on. Time limitations such as this would be difficult.. Even if it's just the pressure of you asking to be told

ilovesooty · 21/06/2014 07:52

In addition to it being inappropriate to leave or interrupt meetings to text for anything but majorly important events, I'd not be impressed by someone using their phone surreptitiously in meetings either.

BravePotato · 21/06/2014 07:57

Yabu

I don't get this MN obsession with "eating as a family" tbh

In your set up ( am assuming your DS is a toddler, as not flexible yet with meal times) i would feed the child at 5:30, sit down with a cup of tea with him/her.

Then do adult dinner later.

But I know to some people eating as a family is super important ( though your DH doesn't care).

Try to be a bit less intense, a bit more laid back.

Original poster
Tory79 · 21/06/2014 08:02

To those that have replied later and are still having a go - you will note I've acknowledged in previous posts it's fine and I was trying to find out if it's something people would do. I didn't have a go at him, we didn't fall out and argue over it.

He's been away for most of the week so excuse me if I look forward to eating as a family! With 5m or so to go ds was also looking forward to seeing daddy and having tea with him. Such is life and I'm sure ds will get used to it.

The nature of dhs work means that his hours and time he is at home change every week and he is frequently away, or home hours later than expected. I am used to that and deal with it week in week out. With 5m to go before he's due to walk in the door, dinner just about ready and ds staring out the window I think it's only natural to be a bit disappointed and wish id known earlier. Sorry if that gives sahms a bad name, especially after I'd just spent all day doing nothing, obviously minnie

midnite there is nothing wrong with my cooking thanks Smile it's important to me that we eat together as a family when possible, and as this is normally only 3-4 meals a week including weekends I don't think it's outrageous to ask dh to eat earlier with us when he can. I do realise it's not a normal 'adult' eating time but hey, we have a child!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/06/2014 08:04

Anyone who expects working life to accommodate rigid early evening mealtimes these days is simply unrealistic. It may not even have been apparent that the meeting would overrun until the latter part of the agenda. These things happen, and he was only 45mins late. He even texted before he would have been due home so the OP had no need to worry about his wellbeing or eta.

Peanut14 · 21/06/2014 08:06

YANU

BravePotato · 21/06/2014 08:11

Agree with ilovesooty.

And you are making a big dramatic thing of DS looking longingly out of the window for Tea with daddy. Unless you have spent time building this up into something big, I just can't see that 45 mins makes huge difference or would leave your child crushed.

ilovesooty · 21/06/2014 08:13

I really think that if your son was disappointed that daddy wasn't home to eat with him that's not down to your husband who was simply responding to the professional demands of his workplace. He was disappointed because you raised his expectations unrealistically.

ilovesooty · 21/06/2014 08:15

X post with BravePotato there.

KarlWrenbury · 21/06/2014 08:17

op
go and get a job or something. You are unhinged as a SAHM

HannerHet · 21/06/2014 08:20

Yabu

ilovesooty · 21/06/2014 08:23

Karl it's possible to disagree with the OP and her expectations without being offensive.

Original poster
Tory79 · 21/06/2014 08:37

Oh for godsake, for the 90th time, fine, I'm being unreasonable. I've already stated that. It's one of the things I hate most about aibu, that even after someone holds their hands up and says ok, people still find the need to pile in and frankly be quite rude about it.

I've already stated how all over the place dhs work life is and that we deal with that day in day out. Is looking forward to him being back early now and again a crime now? I'll just go ahead and plan my life without him in it then.

It's not THAT rigid ilovesooty, I try and have dinner ready for 545-6 so that ds is not eating too late. Normally this works fine.

DS loves watching for people out of the window, any people. He asks who he is going to be eating his tea with most days. I shall tell him it's just with me in future and leave dhs arrival as a surprise so he doesn't get a chance to be sad about it.

karlwrenbury that's just rude.

To be honest, with a few exceptions, I'm not sure people are even reading what's ACTUALLY HAPPENED...

Husband walks in late, wife says I would have appreciated knowing earlier, husband says sorry, I was in a meeting. No further discussion takes place, evening carries on as a perfectly pleasant one. Wife does come on to mumsnet to see what others thought, is told she is BU and accepts that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tory79 · 21/06/2014 08:59

Thanks ilovesooty

I really don't see it as being that rigid to be honest, seeing as most of the time dh does his own thing and I work around that, and also, I'm certainly not saying he should have been back or has to be back ever, but just it would have been nice to know.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/06/2014 09:05

I certainly didn't see you as being controlling Tory but it seems that it would very probably have been difficult to let you know any sooner than he did and it sounds like something you'll have to factor in.

plantsitter · 21/06/2014 09:22

I don't think yabu actually but I am a SAHM too. If you have an arrangement that he'll be home at a particular time for a meeting with his family I have never understood why that is less important than any other meeting. If you were meeting someone for a drink after work you would probably make time to text or whatever. If a meeting is over running surely most people have somewhere else to be?

And yes I had quite a senior job before this and yes, I would've said 'I'm sorry, as we're over running I'm just going to send a quick message to my next appointment'.

But no doubt I'll be told to get a job for that opinion.

plantsitter · 21/06/2014 09:23

I don't think yabu actually but I am a SAHM too. If you have an arrangement that he'll be home at a particular time for a meeting with his family I have never understood why that is less important than any other meeting. If you were meeting someone for a drink after work you would probably make time to text or whatever. If a meeting is over running surely most people have somewhere else to be?

And yes I had quite a senior job before this and yes, I would've said 'I'm sorry, as we're over running I'm just going to send a quick message to my next appointment'.

But no doubt I'll be told to get a job for that opinion.

MsVestibule · 21/06/2014 09:24

tory bloody hell, what a lot of grief you've been given!!! Rigid, controlling, unhinged, giving SAHMs a bad name - all because you're a bit miffed that your DH didn't let you know he was going to be late.

FWIW, I agree that it can be difficult to text from a meeting, but it's not like you said you were planning to LTB over it. Do people come onto MN specifically to give people a good kicking?

Original poster
Tory79 · 21/06/2014 09:39

Yes ilovesooty I think that I will do as someone suggested up thread and ask dh to let me know if he has a meeting at the end of the day so I'm a bit more prepared for it and know there is more chance he'll be late back.

plantsitter I agree. Family life very much takes a back seat during the week for dh, most of the time I just accept that, but now and again I get a bit grr about it. I often barely hear from him when he's away and just leave him to get on with it.

msvestibule quite - I would have expected this if I'd said I spent an hour berating dh after he came in.....

OP posts:
Droflove · 21/06/2014 09:40

YABVU. It would be very unprofessional and embarrassing to say that in a meeting. Also towards the end of a meeting it often looks like its going to end any second for the last 30mins. Finally if the end wasn't clean cut like they rarely are, it would be extremely rude to say he needed to text his wife. It would seem like he was making a point that someone was cutting into his private time and he wanted them to quit talking and end the meeting.

Droflove · 21/06/2014 09:42

Sorry OP, just read some of the replies, some of the responses from posters are unkind. Ignore.

Haroldplaystheharmonica · 21/06/2014 09:52

Brave FWIW, we like to eat as a family and I think it's really important to have those times together to chat about the day until Minecraft takes over again

We don't get to do it al the time as OH works shifts but when he's off or on an early, we often eat together at 6.30pm. However we've been known to eat at 5pm when starving and that's just us, not the kids!

I hate it how some people generalise and say that no adult could possibly want to eat their evening meal at 5.30pm. Er, some of us don't mind at all! Like OP says, it leaves time for tea and biscuits for supper.

OP you've admitted YWBU so just ignore anyone else who piles in now, they probably haven't read the whole thread anyway.

ilovesooty · 21/06/2014 10:07

plantsitter surely you must have been involved in crucial meetings at work that had to take precedence over family mealtimes?