..to be so upset? (Long, long story....)

[nollypat]

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...
In the wee small hours before the school run my husband and I returned home from a week long trip away to celebrate my husband's ...ahem...thirty- tenth... birthday. We have never left our children for this long before, and I admit I was nervous.
While we were away, my in-laws very kindly looked after our two children, in our home. The relationship between us and my in-laws has never been easy- my husband's mum (who he was very close to) died before we had children, and my FIL, who had been devoted to my original MIL, remarried very swiftly. My new "MIL" has always been very good with the children and encouraged family gatherings, although we know she is often economical with the truth and has always been quite controlling, which I believe is a result of insecurities arising from her own unhappy childhood, the ashes of which I admire her for rising from.
When my children (now 8 and 5) were babies, my in-laws would frequently ignore my requests to not wake them/ feed them chocolate/ sweets/ leave them in the sun etc, and we therefore never left our children alone with them.
In the last couple of years, things seemed to have improved, and as a result, on two previous occasions we have left our children with my in-laws for 2-4 days.
We know my in-laws like to be in control, and on each occasion we have returned to find they have rearranged some things in our house (reorganizing drawers/ furniture etc), which we accepted as our penance. We also know my MIL had been rummaging through our personal items, bedside drawers, reading post etc.
My in-laws have always been very critical of us, which we tend to roll eyes and ignore- we don't garden enough, we let our children watch TV (somedays), we don't eat red meat, we keep our son with aspergers in a mainstream school (where he does very well thank you). Since we moved house they have been repeatedly 'suggesting' we knock down walls "to open the place up" ( no thanks, we like the walls where they are), and we should apparently get rid of our trees, because the garden is always in the shade. (This is one of the reasons we bought the house- my eldest and myself are nearly albino, and sun-phobic. Our garden was family friendly even in the height of summer)
So... we returned from our trip in the early hours, then woke this morning (after the in-laws had left) to find that they have cut down our trees, removing all shade from our garden, (because that's how they like their own garden)leaving so much garden waste we will need to hire a multitude of skips to remove it before we can use the garden- we can't even get to the washing line or bins at the moment. We then found they have cleared out our garage because they considered it "junk".
Oh, they also introduced themselves to the neighbours and slated us for storing "junk" in our garage, and not cutting our neighbours hedge ( we offered, our neighbour said he preferred to do it himself).
What upset me most is that they cut both children's hair, and my 5 year old has been crying because she wanted to keep growing it. When we were away we Skyped, I asked why their hair had been cut, MIL said they were getting bullied at school because their hair was too long (?) When I asked my children about this, they had no idea what I meant.
I am fuming about all of this (i actually feel physically sick), and my husband is mildly livid, but doesn't want to start a family feud. I know my children adore their grandparents, and I don't want them to lose that relationship so I don't know what to do.
I now feel stupid and selfish for going away- we won't do it again, obviously.
Why would someone do this to somebody who trusts them? I am sad and angry. I feel violated actually (and I mean no offence to victims of burglary or worse) I don't know what to do now. I feel tonight that I would be happy to never see my in-laws again, but I know that would be wrong, and I know my children love them, and I know I will feel more rational in a day or two.
Any suggestions?
Sorry for the rant.....

Oh OP I admire you so much. What a brilliant attitude. You'll definitely work this out to a resolution you're satisfied with.

Well, good on you for being so calm. I would have gone postal then and there. :)

Outrageous, absolutely outrageous. I know you probably feel sick at the thought of taking them on but for the initial discomfort and stress you will reap huge longterm benefits. Your husband HAS to grow a pair and lead the way. You are not over reacting. It's really difficult to challenge bullies but they have done a terrible thing to your family, completely abused your trust and violated the most precious things you have, your children and your home. Protect them and break the tie with these abusers. This could take years for them to repair. Please be strong and good luck

You posted as i did. You can still remain in contact with the rest of the family and cut off contact with step m and fil. They haven't done anything wrong

Oh and please give them a rough estimate of how much it would cost to plant mature trees, hire skips for the rubbish and replace the property they stole. Just a ball park figure, so they know how much this is going to cost them to put right, and you'll inform them when all the work is done and that you'll be sending them the bills.

I admire your stance, OP - but don't be too serene or it simply won't have the impact you expect.

I agree that using the term "landscaping" is far far too polite. Wanton destruction seems far more appropriate and conveys your annoyance far better. IF you tone this letter down to much, they will just go "Meh, silly girl, having her little say, ha ha" - you need to meet this with full on, cold calm anger (ok that sounds contradictory) and disdain. As though you were a headmistress, or the CEO of their company or something.
"Assault" wouldn't be too far on the children's haircuts, either - something has been done to their bodies that they didn't want and don't like and didn't have your permission - so say so.

One lighter point - just be grateful that you weren't away long enough for them to have got the builders in and knocked your interior walls down...

I know you probably feel like making the letter quite long and detailed, but it may be an idea to make it as simple as possible. i.e. state that they did not have permission to take down the trees, throw out your stuff, cut kids hair, and as they have broken that basic trust you won't be giving them responsibility for your things or children in the future.

I agree about the choice of words being important. I'm sure that your tone of voice when saying "remodelling" or "landscaping" conveys your disgust, but there is no tone of voice in a letter. They have destroyed your garden and rendered it unusable.

Just to clarify, my MIL cut the children's hair herself. She trained as a hairdresser about 40 years ago, but gave it up. She has in the past cut our son's hair (with our permission), and cut our daughter's fringe. Our daughter struggled to grow hair (she was a bit of a baldilocks until she was 3, and at the grand old age of 5 she had still been sporting her baby curls...)
After fishing for info with our dc, it would appear that ds was happy to have his hair cut. DD on the other hand didn't want hers cut, but says she thought she would be in trouble if she refused. She has been crying again this evening because her hair is shorter (it hasn't been shaved off, I'm sorry if anybody thought that- about three inches, including her baby curls are gone. She had been trying to grow it)
We have had a long chat about how her hair is part of her body, and her body belongs to nobody but her. Mummy and Daddy might help make decisions, but nobody else can do anything to her body without asking our permission. We have reassured her that it will grow back quickly ("infact, I can already see it has started growing back today poppet- wow, your hair grows REALLY fast...") She knows she did nothing wrong, and "auntie x" should have checked with us first.

Bloody hell. I had to go outside and take deep breaths when I discovered MIL using metal BBQ implements on my expensive nonstick cook ware.
OP, does the rest of the family know? I can't imagine any normal person taking sides against you in this.

(Step)MIL has two sons. One lives in the USA, the other in London. We actually get on very well with them both, especially the one in London. We were so touched by how they embraced their roles as uncles that we made them godfathers. We don't regret that in any way, they are wonderful godfathers. If we chose to to cut ties, these are the relationships which I anticipate would fizzle out, and our dc would be devastated. MIL is so controlling I'm sure her son's wouldn't be allowed to remain neutral...

If they are such wonderful Godfathers and Uncles then they won't take it out on the children.

Even I would be speechless. (Thinks of famous painting, The Scream).

They got the bit between their teeth and really went for it.

If it were on tv one would think, well, rather far-fetched.

Still mulling over how best to respond, frankly. I admire your calm.

Wow, you poor thing, they sound like horrible people. Demand they pay to have murdered tree's removed, tree's of the same size brought in and planted. it will cost a fortune, so they won't be pleased....good! Take them to court if they refuse.
I'd never speak to them unless they rectified the tree's. Good luck.

I hope that letter's a bloody good one. I just can't believe them.

Please, please can we have photos of the trees.

It would make me happy.

The children's hair I could recover from as it'll grow back quickly. The trees however. What. The. Actual. Fuck. That will take years to recover.

nolly I think the stance you wish to take is definitely the most sensible and effective. I couldn't be so sensible, I would scream and look like the sociopath you mention, haha. So good on you ;)

Good luck.

Can I point out it is not considered polite to label someone an 'albino' these days?
The acceptable form is to say they have albinism (so labelling the condition not the person).
And you can't 'nearly' have albinism, by the way - it's a genetic condition so you either don't have it, carry the gene, or have albinism.

I think you are right not to go in all guns blazing.

I doubt that you'll get much satisfaction though.

They'll probably tell you that they thought they were doing you a favour.

Of course it's up to your husband if he wants to cut ties-but don't you & the kids get a say in what you want to do?

Your daughter had her hair cut because she was scared not to

Any family that would ignore you because of ILs behaviour aren't worth the effort either imo.

You're back OP! I must admit that I was so hoping that this wasn't real. For 2 very good reasons:

I hate to think that people in rl are having to experience such appalling behaviour.

You are dealing with it far more calmly and with a lot more grace than I could ever manage. I would be a screaming banshee and you're showing me up.

OP, I am so upset for you, particularly about the trees. I too have lovely trees that shade my garden (they don't affect any neighbours shade either) and they also provide privacy. And as for throwing out the 'junk' in the garage ; that's theft, surely? We have a garage filled with 'junk' but it is in fact my husband's stuff and he wants to keep it. I cannot imagine how devastated he would be if his parents came in and threw it all out .

Yes, hair will grow (thankfully) but this behaviour shows a complete lack of respect for both of you and I sincerely hope you can put a stop to it now.

You mention that you have no one else to babysit and will have to face not going out together for a few years. We too had no family to babysit and never went out together except when away visiting family members and they could babysit for us. It was a rare treat .

It is not the end of the world if you don't use these disrespectful people to look after your children. Honestly, you won't relax all evening anyway, wondering what they're up to .

I like that you didn't contact them after returning to the carnage (trees ), they will be on tenterhooks wondering what your reaction will be and secretly hoping for a big massive blow-out from you, preferably in front of her neighours lol. Don't give them that satisfaction. Keep your cool, stay detached. Don't argue back. If on phone, put it down. Use letters/emails. They'll be furious that they can't get a rise out of you.

Good luck.

Imo, you are doing exactly the right thing in a strongly worded letter and establishment of clear and fixed boundaries.

Fwiw, I might make a reference to the necessity of a letter in order that you can (a) deal with this matter without losing your composure as you are both furious with them for what they have done, and (b) get this on record for any potential legal action if required in future.

I'd tell them that i'd expect them to put right what they've put wrong and for them to look into restoring your garden professionally, and compensating you for loss of personal effects stolen/removed by them.

What they've done is unbelievable.

OP please re-phrase some of the wording of your letter to express exactly how destructive ad hurtful their actions were.

In addition, I think perhaps you could print out all the responses to your post asking for advice, to show the unanimous consensus that their actions are completely unacceptable, and generally what people make of this sort of behaviour.

I am amazed how you are handling this and have to admit initially I was suspicious that this was made up post as it was such an insane scenario!

How I wish I was making it up! It is very real I'm afraid :(
Unfortunately, hubby seems determined to keep a lid on things. He's convinced they probably meant well. He has had a brief phone conversation with his dad telling him he shouldn't have cut the trees. As expected, fil wasn't receptive...talking to him is like banging your head against a brick wall....
In regard to the albino reference, I'm sorry it has caused offence, none was intended. It was flippant, and while it is no excuse, I was insanely angry when I wrote my post, and was feeling more ranty than politically correct. Should have chosen my words more carefully. Apologies.