..to be so upset? (Long, long story....)

[nollypat]

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...
In the wee small hours before the school run my husband and I returned home from a week long trip away to celebrate my husband's ...ahem...thirty- tenth... birthday. We have never left our children for this long before, and I admit I was nervous.
While we were away, my in-laws very kindly looked after our two children, in our home. The relationship between us and my in-laws has never been easy- my husband's mum (who he was very close to) died before we had children, and my FIL, who had been devoted to my original MIL, remarried very swiftly. My new "MIL" has always been very good with the children and encouraged family gatherings, although we know she is often economical with the truth and has always been quite controlling, which I believe is a result of insecurities arising from her own unhappy childhood, the ashes of which I admire her for rising from.
When my children (now 8 and 5) were babies, my in-laws would frequently ignore my requests to not wake them/ feed them chocolate/ sweets/ leave them in the sun etc, and we therefore never left our children alone with them.
In the last couple of years, things seemed to have improved, and as a result, on two previous occasions we have left our children with my in-laws for 2-4 days.
We know my in-laws like to be in control, and on each occasion we have returned to find they have rearranged some things in our house (reorganizing drawers/ furniture etc), which we accepted as our penance. We also know my MIL had been rummaging through our personal items, bedside drawers, reading post etc.
My in-laws have always been very critical of us, which we tend to roll eyes and ignore- we don't garden enough, we let our children watch TV (somedays), we don't eat red meat, we keep our son with aspergers in a mainstream school (where he does very well thank you). Since we moved house they have been repeatedly 'suggesting' we knock down walls "to open the place up" ( no thanks, we like the walls where they are), and we should apparently get rid of our trees, because the garden is always in the shade. (This is one of the reasons we bought the house- my eldest and myself are nearly albino, and sun-phobic. Our garden was family friendly even in the height of summer)
So... we returned from our trip in the early hours, then woke this morning (after the in-laws had left) to find that they have cut down our trees, removing all shade from our garden, (because that's how they like their own garden)leaving so much garden waste we will need to hire a multitude of skips to remove it before we can use the garden- we can't even get to the washing line or bins at the moment. We then found they have cleared out our garage because they considered it "junk".
Oh, they also introduced themselves to the neighbours and slated us for storing "junk" in our garage, and not cutting our neighbours hedge ( we offered, our neighbour said he preferred to do it himself).
What upset me most is that they cut both children's hair, and my 5 year old has been crying because she wanted to keep growing it. When we were away we Skyped, I asked why their hair had been cut, MIL said they were getting bullied at school because their hair was too long (?) When I asked my children about this, they had no idea what I meant.
I am fuming about all of this (i actually feel physically sick), and my husband is mildly livid, but doesn't want to start a family feud. I know my children adore their grandparents, and I don't want them to lose that relationship so I don't know what to do.
I now feel stupid and selfish for going away- we won't do it again, obviously.
Why would someone do this to somebody who trusts them? I am sad and angry. I feel violated actually (and I mean no offence to victims of burglary or worse) I don't know what to do now. I feel tonight that I would be happy to never see my in-laws again, but I know that would be wrong, and I know my children love them, and I know I will feel more rational in a day or two.
Any suggestions?
Sorry for the rant.....

gertie - I have. Post mils washing and ruining of things and going through my cupboards she has stayed in my house alone for a night and for a night with just dh there.

Unfortunately childcare can really land you with problems.

I have vowed to myself no more though.

Their behaviour is outrageous and appalling. I usually suggest that it should be left up to the DH to deal with his own parents, but in this case, if he isn't prepared to talk to them then you need to do it.

Give your dh the choice of either him doing it, or you doing it, but ensure that the conversation takes place.

I would make it clear to them that if they EVER do anything like this again, then they will not be allowed to spend any time alone with their grandchildren. Ensure they understand that they have completely overstepped appropriate boundaries with their appalling behaviour.

Try and give them some equivalent examples in their own home to try and illustrate how inappropriate and rude they have been.

Research the costs of replacing the trees with mature trees and ask for the money. The same with skip costs, and a gardener to come and clear everything.

Never leave them alone in your house again.

Every time they bleat on about knocking down walls etc. say the same thing over and over again e.g. "It is our choice to have our house like this. It is not up for discussion".

steel eye spanx

Small claims is limited to 10k

You can write 'load of bollocks', it's only when some arse reports because it might hurt someone's feelings that it get deleted.

Well I won't if you won't Gertie

Gertie

I'm a foster mum and we are told that under no circumstances were we to cut our charges hair with out getting written permission from the parents.... And a refusal was to be adhered to.
You HAVE to make a scene about this and withdraw grandparent privialidges for a few months until they grovel apologies otherwise they will take piss again
Send skip bill to them for sure
Xxxxxxxx

What a bizarre load of old balls.

Ooh, wow- I'm back after a busy day to thank you all for your replies and overwhelming support. Sorry if I resemble a troll- should wear more makeup I suppose ;)
Not a great deal to update at the moment. I have NOT spoken to my IL s since we got back, which I hope will speak volumes, as I always ring to thank them, even if they've only babysat for an hour or two. Meanwhile I am composing a letter to them. If you met them you would understand why I would rather write than attempt a grown-up conversation.
With a letter:
A) they can't shout me down or bully me,
B) they can re-read it after they've calmed down,
C) I can maintain composure instead of having an unintelligible melt down,
D) the fact I have taken the trouble to write a letter should give them some idea of how serious I am.
E) I can rewrite and tweak it when I am calmer so it says exact what I want it to say, without giving them ammunition to launch a slanging match.

The gist of it will be that we have bitten our tongues for too long and need to address these issues. When they offered to look after our children, that was all we expected them to do, we are very upset by how they have behaved in our home, how they have taken the liberty of remodelling our garden etc.
Then pointing out the boundaries they have trampled, explaining why each is inappropriate (because they obviously need some pointers...)
Emphasize that adult relationships, even with your own children can only be successful if built on mutual respect and trust, not one-sided bullying and criticism.
I will ask how they would react if the roles were reversed and we had landscaped their garden/ cleared out their junk.
They need to literally undo the damage they have done and accept that this is a turning point in their relationship with us and our children. Things will never be the same and they are responsible for that.
They will not be left home alone again, and contact with the children will be at our discretion, if and when we feel they can respect these boundaries.
Probably won't be signing off with "lots of love" :/
In hindsight we probably were optimistic leaving our children them, but as some posters have pointed out, childcare issues can complicate things . We have no other babysitters, and with my son's issues I would never consider leaving them with strangers, so looks like we'll be staying in for the next eleven or twelve years... With hindsight we shouldn't have gone. With hindsight we feel angry with ourselves. With hindsight we all have perfect vision...
I am trying to remain as calm and rational as possible because if I can maintain my composure and dignity, they haven't really got what they wanted. It won't be ME looking like an irrational sociopath who belongs on Jeremy Vile....

Glad to see your update OP. I was coming to say YANBU and that they must have planned this and booked in people to chop the tress in advance, which makes it so much worse.

A letter sounds like a good idea but it needs to come from your DH and be how you and he feel, not just written by you. He needs to step up to them and be the one or you will forever be 'to blame' rather then their son being honest with them.

I don't think you should be blaming yourselves and talking about 'hindsight.' You should have been able to go away and let the GPs have a lovely weekend with the GCs AND been able to return home to your garden and your kids' hair the same as it was when you left. That was not an unreasonable expectation.

I think a letter is a good idea, I'd just change the wording of 'junk' to 'property' or 'stored items'.

Excellent decision to not make contact today and to carefully write a letter.
I would not advise you to use the generally positive term of "landscaping" with regards to the garden. I'd go for "wanton destruction and vandalism"! Gardening is very personal and presumably your garden reflected your tastes as well as your needs (esp you and DS) with regard to shade. They have destroyed this and it cannot be put right in weeks, months or even years. It could take decades for trees to mature. And then to add insult to injury they leave all the debris.
I do hope there were no sentimental items in the garage.
Best of luck in dealing with this tricky pair!

Wtf they did what ! ......

Good on you for not going bonkers I'd be ranting like a loon

Go no contact until they can respect your boundaries or pop round and rearrange their house for them

Sounds like they have been playing pretend families with your children

You sound infinitely sensible OP ant the letter is a wise move. I agree with PP it must be a letter from and signed by you and DH. Well done for behaving so rationally. It's what gets results.

Is DH going to join in on this letter?

What utter, utter bastards! I was fuming by the time I got to the going through your drawers bit, the trees and hair just about had my head exploding with anger on your behalf.

Shocking, disgusting behaviour. The letter is a good idea, don't try to sound calm though, let them know how utterly furious you rightly are!

I've been reading this open mouthed - and then to read that your PIL had offered to look after your dc for you - sounds like they have been planning to do this a long time, especially if they have been nagging you to do these things and you've told them you don't want to.

It's scary how some people are so up themselves that they believe they can make such massive changes to other people and other people's property without asking first, particularly when you have already said that you explicitly do not like their ideas.

Anybody else think that this thread ought to go into MN Classics - it's not often you come across such appalling PIL behaviour, even on MN!

I am so sorry for you op - words fail me on how selfish & unreasonable your il's are. I really hope your DH is on the same page as you with this & the 4 of you get the apology that should be forthcoming (but sadly probably won't with people who behave like this!)

I would also echo that using terms such as landscaping and clearing out junk puts a positive spin on what they've done.

Frankly I'm appalled at their, well, tbh I'm finding it hard to find the right words for the complete disregard for you or your DH's feelings.

Hope your DH stands up to them and backs you up, you have to stop them as they obviously think they have carte blanche to do what they like at your house.

Oh. My. God. I read this and went into shock! Haven't read whole thread but my impression is that most people feel this was arrogant and ruthless behaviour. You have every right to be full of rage.

Well done on deciding to write the letter. You stay in control then. They need to realise how much they have hurt you.

In future, never leave your children with them in your house.

And I'm counting my blessings that they are not my PiLs. Good luck.

The letter will be from us both ( but worded by me of course!).
I know so many of you say "cut all ties, you don't need them in your lives" etc, and I see that, but that has to be my husband's call. He's already lost his mum, and I know if it was my family, I couldn't cut them off. Hubby doesn't have a very healthy relationship with his dad, but we actually get on really well with the rest of the family, and we don't want to compromise dc's relationships with their cousins, uncles and aunties and great grandmother
Yesterday I honestly felt like arriving on their doorstep with a vat of sewage to "remodel" their fishpond with. But I like fish....and nothing would give my MIL more satisfaction than me turning up, screaming like a banshee, making a scene for her to gossip about with the neighbours ("you see what we have to put up with? We always told you our daughter-in-law was insane!).
The more I think about it, the more I feel that the best revenge is a serene countenance. Anyway, ultimately this is about control, therefore we need to regain control, and leave them in no doubt that they have none over us, or our children.
I will not let this eat away at us. Anger and resentment are such negative emotions to cling to. We've had years of criticism and bullying. Now we've reached a turning point and that can only be a positive thing :)

My grandson's hair is too long (in my opinion)....but I would never, ever, take him to have it cut when he is staying with us. DH agrees and hates it, and would love it to be cut shorter. Neither of us would dream of expressing that opinion to his parents.

Your in-laws are way out of order. Am very shocked.