..to be so upset? (Long, long story....)

[nollypat]

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...
In the wee small hours before the school run my husband and I returned home from a week long trip away to celebrate my husband's ...ahem...thirty- tenth... birthday. We have never left our children for this long before, and I admit I was nervous.
While we were away, my in-laws very kindly looked after our two children, in our home. The relationship between us and my in-laws has never been easy- my husband's mum (who he was very close to) died before we had children, and my FIL, who had been devoted to my original MIL, remarried very swiftly. My new "MIL" has always been very good with the children and encouraged family gatherings, although we know she is often economical with the truth and has always been quite controlling, which I believe is a result of insecurities arising from her own unhappy childhood, the ashes of which I admire her for rising from.
When my children (now 8 and 5) were babies, my in-laws would frequently ignore my requests to not wake them/ feed them chocolate/ sweets/ leave them in the sun etc, and we therefore never left our children alone with them.
In the last couple of years, things seemed to have improved, and as a result, on two previous occasions we have left our children with my in-laws for 2-4 days.
We know my in-laws like to be in control, and on each occasion we have returned to find they have rearranged some things in our house (reorganizing drawers/ furniture etc), which we accepted as our penance. We also know my MIL had been rummaging through our personal items, bedside drawers, reading post etc.
My in-laws have always been very critical of us, which we tend to roll eyes and ignore- we don't garden enough, we let our children watch TV (somedays), we don't eat red meat, we keep our son with aspergers in a mainstream school (where he does very well thank you). Since we moved house they have been repeatedly 'suggesting' we knock down walls "to open the place up" ( no thanks, we like the walls where they are), and we should apparently get rid of our trees, because the garden is always in the shade. (This is one of the reasons we bought the house- my eldest and myself are nearly albino, and sun-phobic. Our garden was family friendly even in the height of summer)
So... we returned from our trip in the early hours, then woke this morning (after the in-laws had left) to find that they have cut down our trees, removing all shade from our garden, (because that's how they like their own garden)leaving so much garden waste we will need to hire a multitude of skips to remove it before we can use the garden- we can't even get to the washing line or bins at the moment. We then found they have cleared out our garage because they considered it "junk".
Oh, they also introduced themselves to the neighbours and slated us for storing "junk" in our garage, and not cutting our neighbours hedge ( we offered, our neighbour said he preferred to do it himself).
What upset me most is that they cut both children's hair, and my 5 year old has been crying because she wanted to keep growing it. When we were away we Skyped, I asked why their hair had been cut, MIL said they were getting bullied at school because their hair was too long (?) When I asked my children about this, they had no idea what I meant.
I am fuming about all of this (i actually feel physically sick), and my husband is mildly livid, but doesn't want to start a family feud. I know my children adore their grandparents, and I don't want them to lose that relationship so I don't know what to do.
I now feel stupid and selfish for going away- we won't do it again, obviously.
Why would someone do this to somebody who trusts them? I am sad and angry. I feel violated actually (and I mean no offence to victims of burglary or worse) I don't know what to do now. I feel tonight that I would be happy to never see my in-laws again, but I know that would be wrong, and I know my children love them, and I know I will feel more rational in a day or two.
Any suggestions?
Sorry for the rant.....

if yiur DH is behaving like that you have excuse to stop speaking to your in-laws.He can take them there and keep relationship going but you don't have to.

I think that's where we're headed at the moment antimatter....

Why is your dh so scared of his parents?

It will happen again. Obviously the trees are gone but some other massively controlling boundary abusing behaviour.

I imagine its something to do with losing his mum (sorry, cod psychology)

His Dad sounds like a massive twat.

"He's convinced they probably meant well."

Oh dear.

Well I guess that why they pull such shit-they know that they can get away with it without consequences.

It's so utterly disrespectful.

The chopping the trees is bad enough, but leaving it for you to clear-talk about rubbing salt in the wound!

If someone trashed my garden for the sake of it I would think that they must absolutely hate me tbh.

How is disrespect and massive invasion of privacy "meaning well"?
Your DH is storing up trouble. Unless their outrageously rude behaviour is tackled, acknowledged and sincerely apologised for there will be resentment building up and apprehension at what the hell these idiots will do next.

As I see it, you have no choice other than to respond in kind by ignoring them just as they ignored your right to privacy. They clearly have no respect and I'd make sure your children know exactly how you feel about this do you don't become "silly mummy' who overreacts

Sounds like your DH is a victim of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) or something - how can he possibly think they "meant well"?! Of course they didn't "mean well" they just rode roughshod over your opinions, preferences and property because they thought they knew better than you and your opinions simply don't matter to them!

Send your letter anyway. And refuse to have anything to do with them yourself ever again.

Well it does make it a lot easier when they start to need some support - you can simply alter everything to suit you and ignore all their wiishes.

They didn't do it to piss you off. They did it because they thought it needed done, that their view was the only view any sane person would have and they have done you a favour. One or both of them is a control freak.
My inlaws are a bit like this- the odd occasion they would cat sit FIL would go at something in our house or garden like a man possessed because to him it was obvious it would need done and we would thank him for it. He was doing us a favour by cat sitting and so thought he had carte blanche to do what he liked.
I would rage to DH and DH would just say nothing to them because he knew it was pointlessl and they would never ever accept they were in the wrong or change.
You've probably got the same scenario here. You'll never change them, you just have to not let them babysit again- unfortunately. The fact they were babysitting will give them the moral highground as far as their concerned and you'll just get enraged if you confront them.
A quick email saying you're so upset about the garden might get through to them- without hyperbole.

nollypat my sympathies, again. I think you are doing the right thing in presenting a calm face (however much you must be boiling and raging inside). It might be worth adding to the section about the destruction/vandalism of the trees that their actions have rendered the garden effectively unusable to you and your son in the summer.

Oh yes, we were babysitting so therefore we made the garden how we would like it!

They are obviously not rational, are they?
I'm sure they are convinced that they are not in the wrong, at all.

Price up purchase and installation of a large shade sale and send them an invoice.

Sail!!!

Not sale. Make sure it's full price!

Omg what right have they got to cut down your trees without any permission and to empty out your garage

Whether they did it to piss you off or not, whether they were well meant
G or not is irrelevant.

Their supreme arrogance is beyond the pale.

I would just be unable to see them for ages.

If you can't start a feud by saying how angry you are, I'd creep up to their house at night and pour weed killer all over their plants and flowers and not tell soul, not even your husband. I'd wait a few months so they didn't guess it was me. Well, I'd fantasise about it and probably not do it :-)

A calm letter is a great idea. But if DH is being very ineffective about telling FIL how angry, furious, livid, upset, violated etc you are and FIL doesn't listen and doesn't care, then thinking about it, I'd be tempted to send a solicitor's letter as your first letter to them rather than a letter from you that they'll ignore and probably turn around and be more concerned that you are being rude by not saying thank you for looking after the gc.

If you send a solicitor's letter as your 'not thank you letter' it ups the stakes and shows how serious you are about the way that they behaved.

If they then complain about that you can then at least say that you did it as they ignored dh when he was trying to talk to them about it on the phone and showed absolutely no remorse for what they did.

Anybody else wondering if the PIL are going to try to send the bill for the tree surgeons (sounds like they got them in as so many trees to cut down) (or at least hire of a chain saw or similar) to rub salt into your wound!

I was wondering about the tree surgeons, too.
I'd also be really hacked off with DH for not supporting me in this.
Out-bloody-rageous!

Then you HAVE to communicate as you alone that this was a massive invasion and something you cannot accept.

Then refuse to see them (unless dh insists on kids seeing them, don't let them see kids without you).

OP - one of the ways I got dh to understand my points was asking him what he would think if I did what MIL did in our house in hers.

Really made him imagine us arriving, me with massive toolbox full of food I then cooked for everyone on her oven without asking, me washing their woollens on a boil cycle etc etc.

Really made him see.

Op, any chance your dh may inadvertently given the impression it would be ok? My dh has a history of this. He thinks the best way to deal with things hes not interested in is to say yeah yeah in a noncommital way. This has got us in trouble with his parents a number of times when it looks like we are pulling out of things at the last minute... And i came one day to find a ten foot bit of hedge missing and irate neighbours after we had paid someone to trim the hedges and they had told him that bit was dying and should come out- he wasn't listening and said yeah yeah, which cost us dearly in paying them to chop it down, plus we had to buy new hedging plants and replant ourselves. Two years later and there is still a very noticeable bare patch in our very mature hedge!

So your ILs decided that the garden would look so much better with lots of light, so chopped down the trees, thinking that once you'd seen the loads of light, you'd agree? That they decided that your stuff in your garage was 'junk' and chucked the lot, and once you'd seen the loads of space, you'd agree? That they'd decided that your childrens' hair was too long and cut it, and once you'd seen it lovely and short, you'd agree? That is meaning well... but it is still a fucking liberty.

I suggest you let them know this. Your dh should be doing this.

Doesn't your dh hear your dd crying about her hair? That should give him some ammunition

If your DH isn't going to man the fuck up and talk to them about how they are disrupting his family life, you might have to go the legal route. File a police report so that they know how serious you are. They stole your stuff and vandalized your property. But you won't get any payment for the damages unless you have that first report to document it all.

I agree with everyone else, your PIL’s behaviour is barking and unacceptable. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be leaving the children alone with them again, ever, or leaving your PILs alone in your house, and it might be worth getting the locks changed in case they decide to do you any more favours. Your children may still love their grandparents but children also need to be able to trust the adults who care for them.

What’s worrying me is your DH’s response. That suggests that your FIL has always been like this – highly controlling, poor boundaries, and the rigid and unshakeable belief that what he wants/does is what everyone else wants/does, even after he’s been told otherwise. There may be other nasties in your DH’s childhood that he hasn’t told you about.

Also, has your DH reconsidered his childhood and his father in the light of your DS’s diagnosis? Your DH’s comment that FIL “means well” is quite telling. My own father often genuinely means well too, but he is also highly controlling and finds it very difficult to take other peoples’ point of view into account. ASCs can run in families, and although my own father’s behaviour is less extreme than your FIL’s my mother told me that her understanding of him changed a lot after my own DS was diagnosed.

My husband does agree that we can never trust them again, and will never leave them home alone in the future. His argument is that we're better to just vote with our feet and keep our distance, because we will never change them or manage to hammer home how out of order they are. They have a collective superiority complex unlike anything I have ever encountered before. You can't rationalise with irrational people.
My fil has bullied my dh his entire life, and yes, we're convinced fil has asd to some degree, which would explain a lot, but not excuse everything.
I have tried to upload some photos, but keep getting a file not allowed message...
I'm overwhelmed how many people have responded to this thread. I had no idea my crazy in laws would be so interesting to anyone else. Maybe I should write a book about them...