To have a baby, although we can't afford it?

[Justcruisingonthewater]

I turned 33 in May. My husband is 36. Due to untimely bereavements we do own our home outright which certainly isn't a mansion - it's a terraced house with a garden though and is pleasant enough. We've also got a small income from another flat we own and let out.

My husband works in a supermarket and is an assistant manager but doesn't earn much. I did have a professional career but stopped recently. I now want to retrain. I do work as a care assistant but earn a pittance!

Here's the dilemma. If I have a baby before or during retraining we can't afford it strictly speaking. If I have a baby after retraining I'll be 36 and realistically 37 before I can ttc.

So - would we bu to try for a baby soon-ish? Or should we leave it?

If you wait til you can afford it, it'll never happen.

Get shagging!

I would find retraining almost impossible with my baby...

But at 33 I would not wait to try. Could you cope as a carer for 4 years until your son hits school?

You're in a better position than us, and we've got 4! There's never a perfect time to have a baby.

No, I wouldn't be able to work at all with a pre schooler as I wouldn't earn enough to cover childcare costs. Which is why I'd have to retrain and have a baby or, well, not have a baby until I've retrained which is cutting it all very fine unfortunately.

There will never be a perfect time, families are fairly flexible to a point and I would/am worrying about leaving it all far to late.

There's no guarantee when you would actually conceive so in practice you could find yourself having completed a lot of your training by the time it actually happens and only have to pick it back up to finish it off.

Of course my fingers are crossed for it happening sooner if that's what you want, but life's not like that (she says on their 6th year...)

I hope it happens for you soon cornetto

The tentative plan is to start trying in January for an autumn/winter 2015 baby.

Thanks cruising - at least I get a shag occasionally out of it

I think you should definitely go for it, i think I would be considering whether retraining would really be an issue if it took a little longer and whether financially there would be ways around it for a couple of years.

Plenty of people manage to do it so that's a fair indication it's possible for you too.

I would retrain first. You've already had quite a long time to raise your income level above the minimum, so it doesn't seem right to me to to have a child when you would have to rely on benefits. If you continued working and still had to claim benefits simply because wages are too low (a whole other unfair issue) then that wouldn't be so bad, but giving up work to have a child you can't afford just seems morally wrong. Thinking it's ok to do that is not a message I'd like to pass down to my children.

Plenty of people do it though so you wouldn't be alone.

You own your home outright?! DO IT! (literally :o)

We did it (DS2) and I will say it was incredibly stressful. I ended up with PND, which was mainly due to the money issues more than the fact that DE was an awful sleeper.
But, I wouldn't have waited, I was 33 and I didn't want much more of an aged gap between my two DSs.

do it! whenever someone makes a decision to have a baby, they can't possibly know that their circumstances won't change. you don't have to be loaded to be a parent, though it would be nice.

What are you retraining to do and where will it be? I knw that a friend recently went back to uni and her then 2year old was entitled to every heavily subsidised nursery place on campus. It might also be worth sticking in the CTCs to see what sort of help you'd get, if you put that towards childcare, that might make retraining more doable.

Reaslistically, leave it a long way past 35 and you're taking a risk you won't be able to have a baby. Are you happy to only have 1?

Ok you own two properties and your DH has a job.

Unless you are seriously in debt / have baliffs at the door.. what are you waiting for.

Presumably if your DH is doing at least 24 hours you will be able to claim tax credits etc? No shame in claiming benefits at all as you have paid in for years I presume.

You should start now. Don't leave it forever if you want a baby. I can't see how you are so poor when you own two properties and the mortgage fully paid up on one.

If you own a place outright then you are better off than most. Rent -or mortgage- is most peoples' single biggest outgoing. Never mind the 2nd property. I know what sort of wages retail pays, but as an assistant manager your dh isn't that badly off either compared to others.

What would the retraining involve and how many hours a week away from home would it take up? It may actually be more convenient to have 1 person retraining with a youngster if they're at home a lot because it would be less childcare costs. ok you can't work with a littl'un running about, but they have naps: and te childcare you do need may be irregular and short periods only. But worth looking into I think.

Go for it. There's never a perfect time to have children

I wouldn't wait. I was all for waiting till we could afford it and I had got some more promotions until I did some calculations about when that would be and it put me having my second at nearing 40 - I'm just not willing to risk that (even though my mum had a baby that late and I know others who have too). So now at 29 we've done some serious financial juggling (extended our mortgage temporarily to the max term to bring down the repayments for the next few years to pay off debt and to afford nursery or child-minder fees) and have just started trying. If all goes well and we have a baby in the next 18 months or so this will give us the flexibility to chose not to have have the next one for another 5 years or so if we want to. And if we experience any fertility issues time will be on our side to get treatment.

Go for it. We couldn't afford our two, but manage. You are actually in a good position owning your own home.

I'd say go for it. You own your home outright and could perhaps do some care work shifts in the evening or at night if you need to. Plus you may find there are things you can cut back on to save money or possibly sell your second property if it has any equity in it.

YABU. Sort your life out before you make a baby. You won't have nearly as much time, brain power, concentration, or energy with a little baby.

36 is young. I had my 2 at 35 and 38.

I would try for a baby. You have a limited shelf life for fertility. You can retrain later.

Thank you for replies. Just to clarify, we are not currently claiming any benefits; we never have, and I wasn't assuming we would with a child as I believed the properties I own would mean we could not.

I'm not sure I agree 36 is young in fertility terms either to be totally honest.

What Daphne said - unless you are in debt you are a lot more secure thanmost people.

Could you go back to your better paid job for a year or so while TTCing/pregnant? It might not be what you want to do long-term but as a short-term fix it might enable you to put some savings aside or get a better maternity package.

I would go for it to be honest - even in ten years time you will only be 43 and would have plenty of time for a new career. Fertility doesn't hang around.
I've got two DC and I'm 33 this year - my career plans are on hold for a few years and then I'm going to go at it full throttle later.