To have a baby, although we can't afford it?

[Justcruisingonthewater]

I turned 33 in May. My husband is 36. Due to untimely bereavements we do own our home outright which certainly isn't a mansion - it's a terraced house with a garden though and is pleasant enough. We've also got a small income from another flat we own and let out.

My husband works in a supermarket and is an assistant manager but doesn't earn much. I did have a professional career but stopped recently. I now want to retrain. I do work as a care assistant but earn a pittance!

Here's the dilemma. If I have a baby before or during retraining we can't afford it strictly speaking. If I have a baby after retraining I'll be 36 and realistically 37 before I can ttc.

So - would we bu to try for a baby soon-ish? Or should we leave it?

I'd ttc.

But then I was having peri menopausal symptoms at 35, was out the other side of the menopause at 41. Premature, obviously, and I was very glad I'd had my dc at 29, 31 and 32. Otherwise I wouldn't have them!

You are not in that bad a position. I would go for it. It can take a while to conceive

Tick tick, tick tick, start trying for a baby now.

Ha! We waited til we could afford it when I was 34 and then found we couldn't conceive.

Do it now.

Go for it.

Now. Totally, you own a house outright, which is more security than loads of people.

You will get maternity allowance I should think?.

Absolutely go for it. You're in a much better position than many, many people.

We are similar - we own our home with a tiny mortgage left due to my previously well paid career and dh works as a retail manager in a near minimum wage job. We have two dc and I stay at home now (my choice). We manage fine on dhs salary and some tax credits etc.

If everyone waited until the perfect time to have children no one would have any.

Yes, I've always worked :)

babies don't have to be expensive, put happiness before money an you will get on better.

Can you claim tax credits as a student? I always thought we couldn't as we own our home.

Claiming tax credits has nothing to do with owning your own home. I've always claimed and never had any problems - always been honest about owning my home (it's only in the last 2 years we've had a small mortgage on it).

I thought tax credits was based on income not home ownership I'm not an expert

That's useful then, I wonder if it is possible to train as a student

I get a bit when people say "there's never a right time - just get on with it now!" as I think while well-meaning, this can be misleading at best, and at worst a bit irresponsible in some cases.

In our case, I have been sole income provider for the previous 4 years while DH builds his business. During this time, had I taken leave to have a baby we'd have been screwed as I am self employed and we'd never have been about to cover our fixed expenses. We simply couldn't afford it. No amount of "ahhh but you just make it work" would have paid the mortgage or kept us fed, without making some huge, painful sacrifices, such as DH giving up his business and trying to find standard employment, or completely rinsing our savings, both of which which would have made him miserable and made us much worse off financially in the long term.

It's only now DH is able to take a decent income from his business that we have been able to consider starting a family. It is now the right time and people keep telling me we're so lucky to be expecting our PFB in this position of relative comfort . Perhaps. I'm 35. We took a risk. But it was a measured risk and while I have been keen to have a family for some time, I was not prepared to sacrifice our economic stability, or lose our financial independence. I WAS prepared to struggle to conceive and as prepared as you can be for the possibility we may not be able to at all.

I accept this is very different from your situation, OP, but I just wanted to provide an alternative view to the "never a right time" For me, I wasn't so desperate to have children I'd do it at any cost. Although I appreciate for others the urge is much harder to approach pragmatically. For me there most definitely was not a right time until now.

I wouldn't bother waiting for a Jan conception/Autumn baby. You just hear too many stories about those who take much longer. I'm early 30s and only been ttc for 6 months now but trust me, the moment you make that decision to start, something takes over and you just need that baby NOW. So every month feels like a lifetime, every period feels like a massive chore and every teeny-tiny feeling in your body feels like a pregnancy symptom. It must be awful to take years to conceive. Don't assume you'll be one of the lucky ones - in fact, assume you won't be and plan for 1 year. Then you'll either be pleasantly surprised or ready for further investigations. Don't wait until you're fighting a battle against nature. Just shag. Shag, shag, shag. And then shag some more. You're in a MUCH better position than other couples starting their families. You'll be fine.

Oh and I completely understand where you're coming from Vivi but also understand why people say "go for it, you'll make it work."

There are some people (including me) who will never feel financially ready to have a baby. Ridiculous in my case because we're doing pretty well, but I'm just one of those people who worries about money all the time. I therefore NEED people (including my DH) to say "look, we earn X, we can save Y and we'll have Z to spend - we can afford it and there are loads of people having kids in less favourable circumstances."

I felt like the op was one of those people who needed that pointed out rather than the irresponsible "just go for it and to hell with the consequences" type of scenario you describe.

Yes you're right Baby a lot of it is understanding and having confidence in your existing circumstances.

At 33 if it was me I would be trying to concieve this very second

You cant claim tcs as you have 2 homes though

I think by owning your home outright you are in way better position than most people. If you had to you could sell the flat, take a draw down and invest what's left over.

At 33, I would get on with pretty quickly. You don't want to be 37 to find out if there are any problems.

I don't think 33 is panic-worthy. It's more that if it's left for another 2-3 years because of training and job stuff, then Op will be 36, and if it takes a while might be 38 by the time fertility treatment is getting going. That's a worst-case scenario but it's as well to plan for that and tru and avoid it if possible. That's without even thinking about any subsequent children.

Do it! Don't thin most of us will ever feel financially ready for it!

Train, then finish training whilst pregnant fingers crossed then sort out job once your baby is here.

Vivi I do think that was a very measured post and quite possibly will be our only viable alternative. I always believed we would be working in stable and settled careers and certainly until recently I was and was well paid - but things have changed suddenly and dramatically and I'm not going to lie and say I'm not worried and scared both of having a child soon and of not!

Probably the most sensible thing to do is TTC after qualifying and getting a job - so summer 2016 for a spring 2017 baby which will mean I am 36 when I give birth at the earliest

Still good things come to those who wait!

Just get on with it.