Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To only want another child because of DD?

98 replies

KenAdams · 18/06/2014 00:05

I don't want another child and neither does DH. However, I'm worried that DD will grow up lonely and that when we're gone, she'll have no one.

Is this a horrible reason to have a child? I know I'd love it the same as DD, that's not the issue, but I wouldn't want it because I actually wanted to have another baby IYSWIM?

OP posts:

Fideliney · 18/06/2014 00:49

Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I can't quite imagine it really. Would it really be your ONLY reason?

PrincessBabyCat · 18/06/2014 00:53

Yeah, look at all the threads of people not getting along with their siblings. Just because you have a child doesn't mean she'll like him/her.

DH is an only child and he certainly isn't lonely. He made his friends his honorary family and they are DD's uncles.

AbbeyBartlet · 18/06/2014 01:10

I am an only child and it was the best thing my parents could have done for me.

Having a child just to make sure your DD isn't an only really isn't a good reason.

chestnutmare · 18/06/2014 06:02

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby (3 days overdue now, ahhhhh!) and have been told we're cruel by one or two people as we only plan on having the one child

So I'm interested in the responses you get on this thread!

TickleMePurple · 18/06/2014 06:35

Do you have any other family your dd can become close to (ie cousins)? Don't have another baby for her sake - your relationship with your partner and the new child will suffer. Incidentally all the "only children" I know are well rounded sociable people, not lonely at all! Remember your dd will be off to school before long making lots of friends.

sebsmummy1 · 18/06/2014 06:38

My partner is an only child and hated it. I do want another child but one if the reasons is because my partner desperately wants our son to have a sibling.

Delphiniumsblue · 18/06/2014 06:41

Lots of people don't get on with their siblings!
There is no need to be lonely because you don't have one- in fact it makes you more likely to seek friends and make an effort with them.

KaFayOLay · 18/06/2014 06:43

I had another one for the same reason, no local family and didn't want the singleton to have to face life's curve balls on her own.

Worked out great, now 11 and 7. It didn't result in a family breakdown and we all get along (the majority of the time) brilliantly.

Delphiniumsblue · 18/06/2014 06:43

People who are only children often fantasise about a sibling and they always have a best friend one who is completely on their wave length- never about one who is completely alien that they argue with all the time!

londonrach · 18/06/2014 06:52

Your family your choice. Sis had same choice but my mum went through breast cancer and having each other really helped. I think that made to decision for her.

TheBookofRuth · 18/06/2014 06:53

I'm a only child and I wasn't lonely growing up.

I'd think really carefully before doing anything rash OP. DD's little brother is due soon, and while I can't wait to meet him, I can't help wondering whether we've done the right thing by her - she's so happy being the focus of our world.

nicename · 18/06/2014 07:03

I was always told that I came about to be a sister to my older sibling. I can't begin to tell you how great that made me feel growing up. They shouldve got her a puppy instead. I know she'd probably have preferred that. She also had imaginary friends too.

Nandocushion · 18/06/2014 07:07

No, it's not a horrible reason and you'll feel very differently if/when you are pregnant or have the baby. There are plenty of threads on here with people worried that they won't love their second child because they CAN'T POSSIBLY love it as much as their first, they don't know if they want any more, whatever. Many of us have been there.

Having cousins is not like having a sibling, for better or for worse. There can be lots of nice kids in the neighbourhood for you to play with and it's still not like having a sibling. If you are able to have two children, it's definitely worth doing - and I say that as someone who is currently NC with her DB. I'm so glad he is there, even if he is a twitchy fecker.

Brabra · 18/06/2014 07:09

I think it is as good a reason as any. Actually better than many. I think your DD would benefit greatly from having a sibling for all the reasons you mention and many many more.

Snog · 18/06/2014 07:15

Being lonely isn't about whether or not you have siblings!
I was a lonely child with a sibling and my dd (14) is not lonely as a "fille unique".

As for when you are gone, your child will build their own support network which you will help to show them how to do from childhood onwards.
Partners and friends can be just as supportive in troubled times as a sibling.

Don't have a child for somebody else would be my advice and I am always when people give this reason.

Ragwort · 18/06/2014 07:18

I think it is a shocking reason, it is not fair on the 'second' child and as many have said, having siblings does not mean you will get on with them or that they will 'share any future burden'.

Lots of people end up with lonely lives even if they come from a big family, I often find single people are much better at making (and keeping) good friends.

My DS is an only child and has a wide circle of friends and activities.

I have very little communication with my siblings and my DH actively doesn't get on with his .

Imsuchamess · 18/06/2014 07:27

I am a only child and I hated every moment of it. I used to hate going to clubs on holidays and seeing everyone out with their siblings. It was hard to make friends as they were usually happy to stay with their siblings. I hated the loneliness (yes I had lots of friends) the lack of someone to speak to.

However I feel I can give both sides of this coin as my sister came along when I was 13. Even though we don't get along the best half of the time. Even though there is a 13 year age gap I am happier than ever. There will be someone to share my mothers care with when she is older. I am less lonely now.

I had a second child because I didn't want my DS to be a only child. The reason I didn't want a second child for me is because I was scared I wouldn't love the second child as much as dc1 or that dc2 would replace dc1. None of these things happened and by the time I was giving birth dc2 was a much wanted much anticipated baby.

I then went on to have dc3 realising having a child does not effect your love for a previous child and it does not mean you won't love the new child.

weatherall · 18/06/2014 08:13

Maybe wait until dd is a bit older 5/7 then ask her. Some DCs have personalities which suit being onlies.

I hated it and wished my parents had another. As they get older it is a huge issue.

CMOTDibbler · 18/06/2014 08:20

I have a sibling, and our parents are elderly, frail, and mum has dementia. My brother does nothing for them whatsoever, and does a good job of making things worse. Arranging their care would be a lot easier without him. We've never been close or company for each other

My ds is an only and will stay that way.

Make your decision only on whether you and dh want another child, not on anything else

QueenofKelsingra · 18/06/2014 08:23

DH is an only and the stress of dealing with his (divorced) mother with no-one else to share the burden with is crippling him. he says he never minded being an only as a child (although he was at boarding school from 11 onwards) but really wishes he had a sibling now as an adult.

I have one sibling. we aren't 'close' but I love them to bits and so glad I have them in my life.

we were both sure that an only child would never be what we would choose. we would have looked into fostering/adoption if having another child had been impossible.

bitsnbobs14 · 18/06/2014 08:31

I think you should have a child, only if you want one.
Plenty of folk are only children and aren't lonely...besides, your child might not get on with a sibling.

Darkandstormynight · 18/06/2014 08:31

YANBU. I got married late and had a dc at 38. Eight months later got pg with baby #2 (Planned) and mc at 10 weeks. Went into full menopause a year later so no more children, dc is 13.

Now, baby 2 was wanted, planned, etc. but when I mc it was almost a relief, since dc was only 8 mis. Old and I was stressing to the max to have two so close in age.

I have to admit that I still feel massively guilty that dc doesn't have a sibling (not that I should, I just do) but it for their sake only that I NOW feel bad because they don't have a sibling. I love having just one for Many reasons. It's so much easier. It's so much cheaper! We get to do so much more, have so much more than if we had more. If I could have one now, would I? For Me NO!! But for dc, Yes!

It is so much harder doing play dates with an only. My friends with two or more have a much easier time with this as their older ones play together and the youngest play together all at the same time. Dc was often passed over for play dates - one friend blurted this out accidently that it was just easier to have All her kids occupied rather than just her eldest. I assumed as much but it still really hurt plus it gets very tiring always being the one it initiate play dates because of this.

I do think dc is a bit lonely and try as I might I know dc picks up on that I do feel sad for them. I do worry about dc since family is all scattered...who is dc to spend holidays with when we go?

It is what it is though...so no I don't think you are being unreasonable but it might hit you differently when friends have 2 & 3...I know it did me.

Chunderella · 18/06/2014 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andro · 18/06/2014 09:20

Like Imsuchamess I was an only for many years (12) but I was very happy, when my siblings came along everything changed for the worse. I loath them and avoid them as far as possible. Siblings don't always work out.

Burren · 18/06/2014 09:26

I think this kind of thinking risks romanticising the sibling relationship. I am one of four, three of the four live abroad (from our native country where our parents live), and none of us are close. We're only in touch to the minimal extent we are because our parents like the idea, and the only sibling to live in the same country as our parents is likely to end up dealing most with them as they age. I do know siblings who are close to one another, but I think it's a real lottery. I can think of three or four close friends who never see their adult siblings at all.

We have only one child, and he won't have siblings for a number of reasons, but I'm not beating myself up about a lack of brothers and sisters.

Flip

1 2 3 4