To only want another child because of DD?

[KenAdams]

I don't want another child and neither does DH. However, I'm worried that DD will grow up lonely and that when we're gone, she'll have no one.

Is this a horrible reason to have a child? I know I'd love it the same as DD, that's not the issue, but I wouldn't want it because I actually wanted to have another baby IYSWIM?

I'm an only child. My parents have helped me in so many ways that just wouldn't have been possible if I had a sibling: holidays when I was younger (just a caravan in Cornwall), one to one time spent with me growing up and financial support when I was unemployed with a newborn an my husband was in a low paid job. Being an only child had nothing but benefits for me. It also meant that when I got married I got a BIL as an added bonus and then when he got married I got a SIL as well, we all get on fantastically and it's like we are all siblings. IMO you should have children because you want them, not so your other child isn't lonely.

chestnutmare Wed 18-Jun-14 06:02:30
I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and have been told we're cruel by one or two people as we only plan on having the one child

Why do people think it is acceptable to say that or to say you are selfish?

I've been surprised by just how nasty or patronising the reactions of other people have been towards me saying that.

You can be lonely in a crowd or on your own. It comes down to personality, attitude and opportunity, not whether your parents decide to have more than one child.

Neither DH or I get on with our siblings; if anything they have caused the greatest pain in our lives and probably will continue to do so for many many years. Financially, most people stop after two or three, so how is that any different to stopping after one? Physically and mentally I have quite a few reasons where I don't feel like I would be able to do it all again. Not to mention the strain it would put on mine and DH's relationship. So even if the temptation was there to have another in the future, I think I would be selfish for having another, in view of all those reasons. Its just not right for us.

Your child is always going to dislike some of the decisions you make. Being an only child may be a good thing or a bad thing, but ultimately you can't predict the future, so doing what is best for you and knowing that will benefit your child in other ways, is often a safer bet.

I'm firmly in the its a bit selfish to only have one child camp

Really? I find that a crazy idea. Surely it's more selfish to bring another child into an already over populated world when you're not 100% sure you want to, or as the OP says, really doesn't want to?? Isn't it less selfish to have one child that you can dedicate everything to than spread yourself thinly over more?

I'd be very surprised if any of the only children on here thought their parents were selfish. I know I didn't. I think I have benefited so much in terms of time, love, opportunity and yes, in financial ways too being an only and I think that my experience means my dd will be an only too (not the only reason but a large one).

OP, have a look at some of the threads on here about people regretting having more than one child before you decide. I always think it would be better to wonder what it would have been like to have another rather than have one and really regret it iyswim? And as many others have said, there is no guarantee that they will get on, support each other through the trials in life (and I have personal experience of this from my mother's family) so I think that having that as a reason is dubious at best.

Yes Silly, we always wanted two before we had DD. It's only because of what we went through when she was born that we changed our minds.

I'm firmly in the its a bit selfish to only have one child camp

I'm firmly in the camp that its selfish to have child after child when you can't support them.

It is selfish to bring even more children into the world - we just can't support the 70-odd billion people we have right now.

It is selfish to assume that you have the 'right' to housing, good schools and financial support because you have chosen to have children (see point above).

It is selfish to have a child purely as a 'playmate' for another child.

It is pathetic to actually spout crap about 'cruelty' and how an only child is missing out, will be lonely, psychopathic etc. Or to ask crass questions about their sex lives to parents with large families (another deeply offensive thing).

I have met loads of only children (for a variety of reasons - and yes, I do ask them) and not one has said 'I wish...'.

For some odd reason I went through a phase of wanting a twin (and I have quite a crowd of siblings) but that didn't last long.

The most unbalanced/unhappy people I have met have been either spoiled rotten to a rediculous degree by their parents, or a child from a huge family who has been neglected because they are from a large family (not enough resources, time, energy etc to go around - or they have been used as a 'spare mum' to their youngest siblings). Or people who have had child after child on some religious compulsion.

She's 2 Silly

Is it really? DH thinks I'm a bit extreme in that she comes before me all the time. I don't even go to the loo when I'm with her if she cries when I try to leave for example.

We all have strange reasons for wanting a certain number of children - I want 3 because I am one of three...

If you decide you want 2 so DD isn't lonely then fine. If you decide you would rather just have one, fine...

Silly lass has picked up on something very important here OP. Perhaps you need some more perspective on this.

I have to deal with parents alone in spite of three siblings! So don't let that influence you, and also my sibs don't get on.

I know someone who has an only and whilst initially I thought having two was always best if possible, seeing them in action it seems right actually.

DH thinks if we went through that again, it would end us

Just wanted to add, my first had reflux but not diagnosed but always projectile vomit, middle of the night changing whole beds, only to do it again and so on, occasionally nappy rash, generally a good sleeper, but up lots due to illness.

Second child, I have never even used a single muslin since day she was born. No sick, no posset, nothing.

Not one . Thank goodness I wasn't tempted by those pretty Adain and Anais bee ones. Not one, notone episode of nappy rash and only two episodes of isolated projectile vomit.

Generally a reasonable sleeper but not as good as first. But basically the point is, they have similar feet, similar hands, but the similarities end there.

Each child really is, totally different.

My mam is and only child and hated it. She had 4 of us

I think DD1 would love to be an of child as she dislikes her siblings.

Only DD2 had reflux, 2 and 3 didn't

Great I mean 1 and 3 didn't, 2 did

Neither DH or I get on with our siblings; if anything they have caused the greatest pain in our lives and probably will continue to do so for many many years i am afraid this is true of me also

I have noticed that the whole 'looking after aged parents' often falls to one child in the family - most likely a female (daughter or daughter in law).

Don't have have a child because of someone elses opinion - its not them who has to clothe/feed/get up at 3am with projectile vomiting/sit up with exam or girlfriend or boyfriend anxieties etc. And don't not have one because of someone elses opinion either.

You may well decide that you want more, but find that for a variety if reasons, it isn't to be. You manage the decisions you have made and the hand you are delt.

I think its wrong to decide one way or another because of your own/parents situation - ie decide that because a child was unhappy (and some kids are just miserable whatever the situation!), the set up was wrong, so go the opposite way.

My mum was an only and dad had lots of siblings. There is a crowd of us and half of us have kids - only one has more than 2, and 2 have one. This is pretty much how it worked out for us (apart from 2 who decided not to have any at all).

And - much as I love you all, dear mumsnetters - I certainly wouldn't decide to have a child or not on a straw poll of a bunch of strangers (kisses to all)!

My dh and his brother have not seen each other since a year after thei mum died 12 yrs ago so dh has nobody apart from us yabu to have another child for company your dd might get married and have her own family she wont be alone

My mum was 1 of loads and she an aunt and me looked after my gran

I'm an only chld and i hate it even now as an adult. I had lots of friends growing up and was close to my cousin but to me it wasn't the same. I'm 35 now and i lost my dad a couple of years ago and i felt so alone, although i still have my mom my loss was a different loss to hers and i had no one to share it with. My cousin lost his mom that same year and became very close with his sibling. I have 2 children and one on the way and would eventually like 4.

My husband is one of four and is not close to his siblings at all and told me im lucky to be an only child and my dad was an only child and it didn't bother him in the slightest so i think it depends on the individual person and i think people make their decisions based on their own experiences so there is no right or wrong. Do what you are happy with and ignore people's ignorant comments. As a child i used to always ask for a sibling without realising how poorly my mom was when she had me. Obviously as an adult i understand and would never hav expeted her to go through it again.

Hope you come to a decision you are happy with.

I never had the urge to have a second child, would have been quite happy with one but had another as didn't want DS to be an only child. It is the single best decision we have ever made. It has enhanced us as a family and given a whole new dynamic on days out, holidays etc. Invaluable. Who knows how they'll get on as adults, but their childhood memories involve so many positives in having a sibling and sharing experiences with another child perspective.

Honestly, I said it up the thread, but will say it again - people so often on these threads romanticise the sibling relationship. Yes, some people are close to their siblings and regard them as close friends, but some never see theirs, and some are made unspeakably miserable by them. For every lonely only child staring wistfully at a family of six, there's one of four (like me) desperately wishing for more individual attention and love from her parents, and a room of her own where she can do her homework in peace.

And I notice that adult only children often speak of the burden of caring for elderly parents alone as though this would automatically be solved or significantly allayed by the existence of siblings - this might be the case, if course, but it might not. My mother is one of three, and was the only one to care for their mother in old age, and my father has a much richer younger brother, but ended up looking after their father alone in old age, with no help or input. I would say it complicated the burden (which was considerable) in both cases, to know there were siblings close by who were simply not prepared to be involved, and it certainly had a negative impact
on my relationship with my aunts, uncles and cousins.

A person would be crazy to have a child she doesn't want purely in the idealistic hope that said child will be a beloved companion and help to their eldest.