To only want another child because of DD?

[KenAdams]

I don't want another child and neither does DH. However, I'm worried that DD will grow up lonely and that when we're gone, she'll have no one.

Is this a horrible reason to have a child? I know I'd love it the same as DD, that's not the issue, but I wouldn't want it because I actually wanted to have another baby IYSWIM?

Siblings are usually a positive thing. I've got two and would hate to be an only. My Dad and one of my best friends were onlys and had 3 kids in quick succession! Friends are in no way comparable to siblings. Same with cousins.
You won't hear from many of the positive sibling stories on this thread, due to the nature of the thread, but imo it's better to go through life with a sibling than alone.

Having lost both my parents in the past few years, I can say that having 4 siblings was an enormous comfort and help and I have counted my blessings that I am from a big family.

I am pleased that we went on to have 2 children (10 year gap), but the second child was conceived because we wanted another child. The fact they have each other is a bonus (hopefully!) as they get older.

I know the feeling OP, with the difference that my DH is desperate for another child.
DS is almost 6 and has on a number of occasions asked me to "make a baby in my tummy so he can play with it"...
But you see I really don't want another child. I really know I don't.
I get the comments and sighs from DH, I get the puns from other people about how DS will be lonely/spolit/unhappy/missing out, and they do hurt a lot. But the thought of making a human being just because others want me to, is unbearable.
So I would say, based on my own feelings and experience, that you should trust your instincts.

I'd say don't do it. Neither you nor your husband actually want a second child. Fine if a sibling for your first is one of many reasons for having another, but one of those many reasons needs to be that you actively want another. On its own, the desire for your child to have a sibling isn't enough.

Also only children tend to be more independent, which isn't a bad thing at all!

abbey I question that only children tend to be more independent.

My own experience is the opposite. As one of five, I often found myself just having to get on with things myself w/o parental support (sometimes a good thing, sometimes not).

Also at times I desperately wanted to be ME and not "the sister of" and this forged a certain level of independence I think.

I think independence depends on very many factors.

Of course you should have another child if you want one but believing your children will be lonely without you when you're gone is just a little self centred.

They grow up quickly and make their own lives. While they are doing that it's usually nice for them to have a sibling.

I also hated being an only child and vowed I wouldn't have one child if I could help it. Although I wasn't lonely but I just wanted a brother or sister. But everyone's experience is different. And not all siblings get on.

Well it was one of the main reasons I wanted another one. You will doubtless find that you want them for their own sake once they're born.

But then look at the regular stories in the press of grown siblings who go to court to fight over inheritances. In their cases I bet they would never have wanted a sibling!

I'm just saying that if that is the ONLY motivation here - and it seems to be - there are too many ways it could go wrong, and it will be that child living with the consequences. You need to think about a potential second child as an individual, not a sidekick for the older one.

Picture possible scenarios and think honestly of your reactions, e.g,

'Little BFF' is winding up his big sister, taking her possessions and throwing them at her to make her angry. When she loses her temper and hits him they both come crying to you. Will you be equally cross with both children?

'Little BFF' manages to make friends much more easily than her older sister. She always has friends over and a busy social life, but they exclude your oldest and she plays alone in her room. When you go out for the day she wants to bring a friend or else she will be bored. What are your feelings on that?

These are both common scenarios!

OR they could genuinely be friends and close for life. But it's a gamble. So if you don't want another child because you'd like another one, you just want a companion for your child, I think you'd be better off buying your daughter a dog.

Also think about a possible scenario where things suddenly went terribly wrong for child 1. Will you be wishing you had another? A lot of things can and do go wrong.

I'm not an only child, and my brother and I were never that close (I love him, he's my brother, but that's about it...)
He now lives in NZ. We Skype maybe twice a year, so ironically I am in many ways an only now. My mum always said she had 2 because she didn't want us to be onlys...funny how it works out.
Having said that I have 2...not sure why, I just had one, then decided to have another, and that feels right for me. DP would like another though...he's one of 4.

Go on, have another Mezley.

I was an only till I was 7. My mum had a still birth I knew nothing about when I was a toddler.
I really wanted a brother.

But.... My brother and I are almost as different as two people can be. We didn't even fight really cause we had so little in common we didn't even have anything to fight about. I live about a mile from him and only see him a few times a year (he works unsociable hours as a chef).

My dh and his sister fought like cat and dog till they were in their late 20s. We see sil and her family quite a bit now which is nice but their childhood memories of each other are not rosy.

My ds is probably more likely to be an only than not (though not entirely decided yet).

I used to hate going to clubs on holidays and seeing everyone out with their siblings. It was hard to make friends as they were usually happy to stay with their siblings. I hated the loneliness (yes I had lots of friends) the lack of someone to speak to.

I have a completely opposite experience. Although not an only child, my sister is way older and had left home bu the time I was 7 and had stopped coming on family holidays when I was 5 or 6 really.

I never had any problems making holiday friends either at holiday clubs or on the beach or by the pool.

Although I had lots of siblings I really wanted to go to clubs and nursery because I was lonely. You can be lonely in a crowd, you know!

My mum was an only and had some mad idea that we didn't 'need' friends and positively discouraged them - we were enough for each other apparently. She was daft, my mother, but she never craved siblings.

I'm incredibly close to my siblings and my best childhood memories involve them. I speak to them everyday and they love my DD as if she was their own (both are childless).

I'm pregnant with DC2 purely to give DD that opportunity in life. She might hate DC2 but she might have a best friend for life, like me. I'd have been happy (and I think I'm better suited) to just have the one.

Sorry everyone I haven't forgotten this thread just reading through all the replies.

The reason we don't want another is because DD had severe reflux when she was born and couldn't be put down on her back, even to sleep so she slept on us. Even now, we're averaging 5 hoursna night.

I had severe PND and DD breastfed every 25-40 mins until she was 7 months old. It was so hard to go anywhere that I just stopped going.

It almost broke our marriage.

DH thinks if we went through that again, it would end us.

Everything I do is for my daughter and I'd go through all that again if she wanted a sibling.

She has recently started asking me where her brothers and sisters are which makes it worse

unreal You don't just replace a child with another, I find that very odd thinking. If - god forbid - anything happened to ds the last thing I would be thinking was 'Oh, I wish I'd had a back up.'

OK OP, so it's not that you are against the idea of another child in itself, it's practical worries. I know this is the knee-jerk response, but have you considered surrogate/adoption? That way if you did encounter the same health problems at least you could hit the ground running instead of needing to physically recover from birth.

*And worry about PND.

DH will adopt but (and I know it's awful to say), I don't think I'd love a child I adopted as much as my biological one, so I'm certainly not the right person to adopt.