To only want another child because of DD?

[KenAdams]

I don't want another child and neither does DH. However, I'm worried that DD will grow up lonely and that when we're gone, she'll have no one.

Is this a horrible reason to have a child? I know I'd love it the same as DD, that's not the issue, but I wouldn't want it because I actually wanted to have another baby IYSWIM?

Interesting thread, I feel the same OP. we don't have family nearby or many close friends with children, and my DS usually seems so much happier when there are other children around. He is friends with two siblings and their relationship is so lovely. But practically I know 2 children would mean many sacrifices financially and emotionally, and I just don't (yet) have any urge to have another. I'm also petrified of having twins etc which would ruin us.

I am one of many, as was my father. We get on ok but live far away so rarely see each other. We get on ok but have very different lives. I speak to my brother maybe once a year - no reason (beyond his own issues) but there is a large age gap so we don't really know each other. My dad didn't really speak much top his brothers - again, no reason. People just get on with their lives (one didn't come to his funeral - not sure anyone actually told him).

Kids are hard work (if you are doing it right).

How would you feel if the 'filler child' was born with a serious disability? Disappointed because they won't be a playmate for X, or sad for them? I hated being the 'spare part', and there were loads of us kids (big gap between the first round of kids and my elder sibling).

I'd love to have been able to have more than one (because I love kids) but not because DS 'needs' a sibling.

My DD is 7 and she's doing just fine an only, I have 3 siblings and I'm really close to the youngest because I help raise her.

Dont have a child if you dont want one, your DD wont miss what she's never had.

OP - for a long time I was in your boat. I had many reasons why I didn't want/couldn't have a second child & only one reason why I should - to give DD a sibling. While it was a good enough reason, it didn't seem like the right reason to have a child at all! But slowly & surely the desire to have another child did creep in & having no family in this country meant DD would grow up terribly lonely. I have a DB but we are NC & I can see how lonely it is. My DH has 3 siblings & I envy their relationship & all the history & childhood memories they share. They aren't very close but definitely closer than any friend DH has. Finally my desire for a second has won & DC2 is expected soon. While am thrilled that DD will have a sibling after all, am so much more happier that I waited until I wanted this baby just as much as she does.

DH is still in a bit of a daze as we had always planned to have just one!!

I think your very sensible actually

every child a wanted child. You don't want another one. Give your kid a social life, school, etc etc and she can make her opportunities.

she does NOT get to decide!!

It's just easier having two they play with each other and you can read a book. I think having a sibling as you grow up teaches you a lot mainly conflict resolution!

It's really difficult and I feel your pain. DS is an only and we have also been called 'cruel' to deprive him of a 'brother to play with' - as if we get to choose The other side of this is that we are older parents and I am conscious that he may be left alone at a younger age than I would like. I am finding the toddler stage very challenging and for now definitely don't want another, not least because it will be career suicide and my marriage has been stretched to breaking point with one child never mind two. But like you I worry that he will want a sibling, especially as most of my baby group friends have had or are expecting number two.

It's really hard

Don't do it.
I'm a 'lonely only' and I'm not at all. I'm perfectly happy. I can't imagine having a sibling.
I have elderly parents and I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it if/when the time comes for care homes etc at least its just me and I won't have to argue with anyone.

DP has a sister who he saw at Xmas. They just have different lifestyles and talk on the phone/email.

Seems a crazy idea and you have a rose tinted view of sibling relationships. Most siblings aren't best buddies or always on hand for the other.

I live at the other end of the country from my sister. We didn't fall out, but as adults we've always been emotionally distant and turned out quite differently. We certainly wouldn't see each other as the person who we'd look to for support when our parents die, that'll be our partners and friends.

I was an only child for 16 year (Dad's side) and I loved being an only child, I would have hated siblings

It's the worst reason possible. I have 5 brothers, and had a "lonely" childhood (although I didn't really, because I had to be very proactive in getting together with friends) because they didn't want me around.

We dithered about having a second and finally did to give dc1 a sibling. It was the best thing I have ever done in my whole life. She has just been a delight and we all adore her. She and ds get on very well (for now!) and clearly love each other very much.

So no, not such a daft reason to have a second.

I am an only, and DS will remain an only as well. If you're happy as you are; leave it. You might always wonder 'what if' but that's better than bringing a child into the world and regretting it.

I look at my friends with 2 (or more!) and I don't feel one ounce of jealousy.

And the lonely thing just doesn't broker with me. Presumably your DD will go outside the house? When my DS gets home from nursery, which he loves, he likes being surrounded by his own little toys and having alone time, which he wouldn't get with a little brother or sister floating about. I can spend all my free time with him, we are our own little gang of 3. I don't want another one in the mix, I don't want to try for a girl, I don't want another one to look after me when I'm older.

You're just assuming they would be close. You might be bringing your dd's worst enemy into the world

OP your dd will not have just you, I assume there is an extended family out there, and she will at some point marry into another family. Otoh she might go before you do (sorry to be blunt but it happens).

You seem a little self absorbed about this.

yanbu. please do it, you won't regret it imo.

I'm in the unenviable position of knowing exactly what it is like on both sides of the coin. My only sibling died very suddenly in his twenties.

Yes we fought like typical brother and sister but even though I'm married with kids of my own now I feel a sense of loneliness that I can't really put into words. I feel anchorless even though it was several years ago now. In addition, all caring responsibilities automatically fall to me for my mother, not an easy task.

Medical and other reasons aside etc. I'm firmly in the its a bit selfish to only have one child camp.

You seem a little self absorbed about this.

Lol. Fancy being self absorbed about something that has little impact on the wider world but huge impact on your family, your body and your life? How terribly outrageous of you!

I think as reasons go when having a child "just because you want to" is considered good enough reason, having one to give a sibling to an existing child is not any better or worse a reason is it?

I think having another child so your only isn't an only is why most people do it at some level.

A very good friend of mine is an only, her dad died when she was a young adult, her mum never re-married and she is also single.

Apart from her mum, she has nobody who "has" to love her. Siblings don't love you because of who you are, but because they can't not.

In lots of ways she is okay, but in others she is terribly lonely and sad and is desperate to find a life partner. Her relationship with her mum is quite fucked up - actually many of my only child friends have divorced or widowed mothers and difficult relationships with them.

Siblings often come along so the first won't be alone, but they stay because they are loved for themselves.

And sibling relationships can be complicated but often they work out in times of crisis.

Also siblings are really good practice for marriage - being able to really fight with someone and still love them is a great life skill!

Go for it - the baby phase is a mere 5 minutes in your life, there's so much more to it than that!

But she said neither of them want another baby, they just think they'll be making a BFF for their current kid. That is not a good reason. What happens if the kid doesn't deliver on that?

Why don't you and your DH want another? You sound definite about that. How strongly do you feel about it? That reason and your strength of feeling and belief in it must be a factor in how you're likely to respond to another child.

I'm in a position of viewing the 'second child' question from a different angle. We'd like one 'for ourselves' and to create the sort of family we'd like. Certainly one other reason is to give dd a sibling.

That's not based on any assumption they'd get on but one reason is about sharing the future burden of us in our old age. If dd leaves starting a family as late as we have, we'll be in our 70s when her DCs are born. She could well be dealing with our decrepitude at the same time as her own young DCs or teenagers. Being an only child of older parents presents the prospect of a particular sort of loneliness and potentially a large burden of responsibility. (Of course having a child in my 40s holds potential to create an additional burden on dd, rather than lightening her load, which is another train of thought entirely).

I was an only, though with younger half-siblings and the relationship with them has really come into it's own in adulthood. It is good to have other people in my generation (you can't rely on there being close cousins) and, I'm sure I wouldn't see their parents so much, or do anything like as many family things, if it was just me and the older generation. I do get a lot out of that stuff and of having them out there (and we do get on, which can't be relied upon but is also partly to do with upbringing and the family dynamic, so a sense of family as being important and a source of enjoyment).

As an only I wasn't always lonely, I happily read a lot and had friends to play with. But, particularly in the teenage years, I was very aware of friends' experience of being able to take company for granted and have much more fun within their families - and with other larger families whose parents naturally befriended one another - than I did. I had to seek out and make an arrangement to have company, every time. Especially when friends are busy doing fun family-only things, that is hard.

I am an only child and until about 6 months ago I would have ripped huge chunks off of anyone who dared to roll out the lonely only clichés. Now I'm not so sure. When I was a child I really didn't mind not having brothers and sisters (especially as they only seemend to cause problems for my friends who had them) and I recognise now that there are lots of things I was able to have/do as a child that would not have been possible if there had been more than one of us.

Now though, as I'm growing older and, more importantly, so are my parents, I'm finding it harder and harder to cope with being the only child, especially as I live abroad in a country where my parents have no connections and do not speak the language. Even though they are in good health, I lie in bed at night worrying and feeling preemptively guilty about what will happen when one of my parents need support.

My husband and I are currently trying for our first child but I know already that I want to have two, if only so that they won't have to carry the "burden" I feel I'm carrying alone.

Being an only child means more attention focused on you, more resources invested in you and more opportunities as a result of that. Siblings can provide a social benefit if they're close enough in age and get along well together but there are no guarantees.

What if there was something wrong with the next child? She wouldn't just lose all the attention she'd been previously been getting, have fewer resources provided to her, she'd also have the strain of living in a stressed household and feel the burden of having to care for a sibling when you and your oh die.

It's up to you whether you want another child but you have no idea whether they'll have a positive or negative influence. That's in the future.