I can't take my baby to a wedding but someone else can...

[Writerwannabe83]

One of my DH's good friends is getting married in 2 months time. When they handed out their invites they said children are welcome to be at the church ceremony but are unable to attend the meal and the evening reception.

That's fine, I have absolutely no problem with child-free weddings.

I have a baby that I EBF so I text the bride and declined the invite and said it because I couldn't leave DS. DS will have just turned 5 months at the time of the wedding. I didn't get a reply from her.

My DH is felt quite aggrieved as he wasn't comfortable with the fact that me and DS couldn't go seeing as DS will not need a seat or food so won't be affecting their guest numbers or cost. But anyway, like I said, I have no problem if the B&G choose child free weddings.

However, it has now transpired another couple who have a baby are being allowed to take theirs because "he will only be 3 months old".

Since learning this my DH has spoken to the Groom who has said he will speak to the bride. The Groom said of course he wanted me to be at the wedding but apparently the bride had said she didn't want babies/children present as she didn't want food being thrown around the room?!

Do 5 month old babies do that?
(DS is my first so I have no experience of a baby's fine dining etiquette).

He also said she probably wasn't aware I'd still be BF.

It's been five days now since my DH spoke to his friend and we still haven't heard anything back do I'm guessing the bride said no and we are still not welcome.

I don't know how I feel about it all now - surely if she is banning babies it should apply to all babies? I think it's a bit unfair that I'm being turned away but another mother and her baby aren't.

(Incidentally the other baby is being formula fed so can technically be away from her parents.)

I'm happy to be told I'm BU - I just think it's a bit harsh that my baby isn't welcome but someone else's is....

OP, you already declined which means they may have asked someone else. What will you do if the B&G say, yes fine bring DS but since writer declined we've already asked someone else so she won't be able to attend unless someone else declines?'

Your DH asking for DS to come after you've already declined implies that he is expecting your invitation to be reissued but are you sure they haven't already asked someone in your place. DH calling and asking in the first place would have been better and stopped all this stress.

I've never been able to hand express, and have been feeding for 4 years in total - but if one person can do it then obviously it must be my fault that I can't.

YANBU

I hate all the fuss about weddings and people saying some people can go and some can't, it all gets so silly. I would just forget the wedding but tell your DH to go and be there for his friend.

Slithy - I don't think anyone is criticising you for your choice on how you feed your baby. Some of us just wanted to make the point that this approach usually is a choice, and there are more flexible ways as well, so people shouldn't be put off breastfeeding if they don't want to take your approach.

I could never express either. Not one drop. So son had the odd bottle of formula if I wasn't around (and I dealt with the resulting mahooooosive breasts, lol).

squirrell - where did I say that? I have never expressed so my DH can give bottles. I don't want my DS to have bottles hence why I declined the invitation.

OP it was on This thread, towards the bottom of the page?

Wtf? "the ball is in their court" - well it already was and you've had your invite. You declined.
Leave the poor couple alone, I can't understand your mentality. You won't leave your baby to go. Your decision. They don't want your baby there. Their decision.

The bride and groom have nothing to feel bad about. They may prefer the other couple and so have made allowances. That's up to them. Op and her DH should just bow out before they risk anymore cringeworthy behaviour.

Mmmmm it would be really disappointing if we weren't getting the full picture here Writer.

squirrell - I stand corrected. Yes I was pumping for that reason but I never actually gave it. On two occasions when I was knackered and at breaking point I told my DS to get some formula (we have bottles of the ready made stuff for emergencies) but when it actually came to it I just couldn't give them. He had a bottle of formula when he was born as I was struggling with feeding but he hasn't had one since. How did you ever remember me saying that or did you trawl through my old posts to find something to trip me up on?

And before anyone asks, I don't class giving a bottle so I can go to a wedding as an emergency

Not looking to trip anyone up, but your life does seem to be one long drama (your user name crops up a lot) so yes I did check some of your previous threads.

Your other thread implied that you were expressing so that your DH could give your baby a bottle of expressed milk though, not formula?

It's not that I don't want him having formula - I don't want him having bottles regardless of whether they contain EBM or Formula.

There's no need for an inquisition... so what the OP tried to give her daughter expressed milk in the early days, we don't know what happened in between, maybe it wasn't working out and she gave up. Maybe she occasionally gives formula/expressed milk, but when her baby gets upset in the evening boob is the only thing that'll do. There are a million reasons why she would not want to spend an evening away from a 6-months old, and she doesn't have to justify herself.

Do the B&G actually know that the other couple intend to bring their baby?

I miss understood. I thought your DS was a complete bottle refuser hence it was impossible for you to go without taking him. But what I am now hearing is you don't want to express and leave bottles because this is not an important enough event or emergency?

There's nothing wrong with saying she's not leaving the baby, not everyone wants to use a bottle. However with that you do limit the events you can go to without the baby, but that's part of the decision isn't it?

It's important to some people to feel they can have a break here and there such as me and I used a bottle expressed milk and formula at times. Nothing wrong with that either.

Writer no a wedding isn't an emergency, but what you are saying is that you would give a bottle if you needed to but you don't feel that going to a wedding is a good enough need.

That's absolutely fine, but remember its your choice and you have opted out of a wedding that ds isn't invited to to pursue that choice. However, your refusing to give a bottle may not be enough of an 'emergency' for the b&g to bend their rules for you and that's fine too, ad its their wedding and your child's feeding habits (and your choices thereof) are nothing to do with them.

Everyone is happy. No?

I do get that you feel a nit put out that this other baby is 'allowed' whereas yours isn't, but you just have to accept that they have allowed them to take their child for a reason they have discussed with the b&g and you didn't do that, you just declined. You cant be pissed off in retrospect here, or your dh.

I don't think either is wrong but people have to accept that their choices have consequences and they cant complain about it. For example you missing out on events such as this wedding.

No one is being unreasonable (or you both are) - this is what always happens (if these threads are anything to go by) when the self- absorption of a bride meets the self-absorption of the mother of a Pfb (no criticism intended). In years to come the bride will no doubt wonder why babes in arms would have proved a problem at her reception and the OP will wonder why the prospect of leaving her ds was such an unthinkable proposition. I wouldn't have left my 5-month-old ebf dd at that point though looking back I can perfectly see that I probably could have done so (if I'd had anyone to leave her with). As a bride I had at least 10 squawking babes at my wedding and expected my sil (who had 6-month-old ebf dd and another under 2) to spend the day in a bridesmaid dress with no facility for breast-feeding (she looked amazing, is amazing, didn't complain!) without having a clue at the time what I was asking. My dcs are 11 and 13 now, but still we are invited to a wedding in July where they can come to the ceremony and evening party, but not the afternoon reception - I shall take them off somewhere while dh enjoys the meal and we'll meet up later. That's how it goes - no one is being unreasonable - brides prerogative, mother of pfb's prerogative, whatever. No offence needs to be taken just enjoy your lovely boy.

Exactly right Lillian.

people have to accept that their choices have consequences and they cant complain about it

But she's not complaining about her choices having consequences, she's just complaining that she feels she has been treated unfairly as someone who has made similar choices is not suffering the same consequence!

She doesn't even know whether the Golden Ticket Infant is actually going, and if it is, why. So why feel discriminated against?

She has not been treated unfairly. There is nothing unfair about it. It's the B&G choice who is invited. It's their wedding. As with adult guests they can pick and choose to invite whoever they want to. I am sure there are other parents attending who have kids and there kids are not invited.