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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did you change your surname upon marriage?

558 replies

Gryffindor · 13/06/2014 00:15

Just that, really? And if you did, did you keep your maiden name professionally?

DH and I have been married a while now but through a combination of feminist thoughts, laziness and professional reputation I haven't changed. All married female friends have changed theirs, often with mind boggling speed!

Aibu to ask?

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 13/06/2014 09:42

I'd be interested to know how many men took their wives surnames for some of the reasons on this thread, eg:

  • it sounds nicer
  • I wanted us all to have the same family name

And I'm shocked at how many of the DCs have the father's surname where the mum hasn't changed her surname.

DW and I both kept our names. DCs have her surname (our names wouldn't double barrel well) because SHE DID ALL THE WORK. She grew other people in her body - this trumps everything.

Parietal · 13/06/2014 09:42

no - i've kept my name for everything. Names matter in my job and changing is a pain.

DCs have DH's name.

Original poster
Gryffindor · 13/06/2014 09:46

DH was going to take my name (we even ordered the deed poll) but in the end we decided to stay as we were, much easier and no DC to consider yet.

Will cross that bridge when we come to it, but I don't see that one of us having a different surname to future kids will make us have any less of a family bond.

OP posts:
AmberLav · 13/06/2014 09:50

I changed my name at home, as I knew I wanted my children to have the same name as me, and DH was being stubborn. I also couldn't face double barrelling. Had to do it quickly, as my passport had to be changed for going on honeymoon (it was about to expire anyway and I refused to pay twice...)

I used my maiden name at work for two years, then changed to my married name in the office when I returned to work after maternity leave, mainly as I'd managed to cope with just using my married name for 10 months of mat leave...

But do what feels right for you, it's no one else's business!

PoirotsMoustache · 13/06/2014 09:54

I'm getting married next week, and I'll be taking his name as soon as I possibly can. My DS will have the new surname added as a middle name, but will be keeping my maiden name as his surname.

I don't know anyone who hasn't changed their name upon marrying.

I think it's up to each individual what they wish to do.

ChelsyHandy · 13/06/2014 09:57

No. Never thought about it until actually got married and then it just seemed such a ridiculous old fashioned thing to do. I'm actually surprised so many women still do it!

myusernameis · 13/06/2014 10:00

Im not married but if I was I would keep my name or double barrel it. Was quite annoyed recently when a friend assumed my soon to be born baby would have my partner's surname. She didn't even ask me.

justmyview · 13/06/2014 10:02

I changed to my DH surname, but kept my maiden name as an additional middle name. Not double barrelled, but I didn't want to lose my name entirely.

BadLad · 13/06/2014 10:03

I'd be interested to know how many men took their wives surnames for some of the reasons on this thread, eg:

I would have done, because I wanted us to have the same name. But DW doesn't like her father so she couldn't wait to ditch that surname.

SuchSweetSorrow · 13/06/2014 10:08

DH and I both double barrelled when we got married. Seemed the fairest thing for us to do as we both wanted to have the same name as our (now) children. He had a fair amount of stick for adding my name though Hmm

thebestnameshavegone · 13/06/2014 10:09

i took dh's name simpy because I really didn't like my given name.

it is a quite unusual ordinary vocab word that sounds very masculine, not fun growing up, I got lots of teasing. also, was mostly NC with my dad and having his name didn't told any emotional ties for me. and it would have been fairly horrible double barrelled with anything else.

dh's name is really nice and I would much rather our dc had that name rather than mine.

that said, I do still use my given name for some work stuff and I haven't got round to changing my bank account yet.

perfectstorm · 13/06/2014 10:13

I had every intention of keeping mine on feminist grounds. And then one day I started to ponder the fact that my father is actually not a nice man at all (I went NC when I had a child of my own, and realised how toxic he was and how little I wanted him influencing my child) and that my husband is actually one of the best and most decent people I have ever met, and then I realised I was already called after a man, and actually I would like to have the same name as a family unit.

Funnily enough DH was resistant at first. He felt weird about my having his name, as though it was branding me or something. He's not overtly feminist - he treats people as people, truly so - but the symbolism of it unnerved him. But he was always clear that he didn't mind which surname our kids had - his or mine - so when I sort of explained that I felt odd having a different name to them, and that I didn't want them having my father's, he got it.

I did think about taking my mother's, but as she changed her own by deed poll to one that I don't like, for religious reasons, her maiden name wouldn't have meant a lot to me anyway. I like having DH's. I like the connectedness. And I didn't like having that with my father.

WalkingThePlank · 13/06/2014 10:24

Married for 10 years and as yet haven't changed. I really like my surname and DH's isn't so nice. I feel my identity is wrapped up in my name. DH had absolutely no problem with me not changing my name and when it came around for me to renew my passport a few months after we married even my MIL advised me to keep my name if it was important to me.

We did discuss how to name our DCs. It was never going to be just my name but we did consider double barrelling - both our names are short so this wouldn't have been a huge mouthful. However in the end we opted just for DH's name, mostly because I thought it might be pretentious to double barrel. Now the DCs are at school I realise that locally double barrelling tends to mean the parents aren't married.

People who don't know us e.g the plumber, call me Mrs DHsurname. I have no problem with that. I do have a problem with my own mother getting it wrong though, especially when she sends parcels that I have to collect as Mrs DHSurname does not exist and our wedding certificate is in a foreign language. Quite a few parcels have had to be returned to her.

All of my documents etc are in the name of Miss when I consider myself a Ms so that is annoying and I can't be arsed to change that detail formally. Would be interested to know what other people do.

mjmooseface · 13/06/2014 10:24

Isn't the whole point of getting married to change your name?! ;)

pyttipanne · 13/06/2014 10:25

HermioneWeasley - My DH took my name when we got married last year.
There were lots of reasons why, partly my name is 'nicer', partly I didn't want to change mine, partly family stuff etc etc...

We have caught so much flack for it though- particularly from family. My family worried I forced him, that he would regret it, and that it wasn't fair to make a man do that. His family were just straight up pissed- we get a lot of passive aggressive post with no surnames on it Hmm

It really mattered to me, so it feels very special that he took my name. Actually, I feel like I am really lucky to have a husband who would even consider it, which is sad really...

WalkingThePlank · 13/06/2014 10:28

Also, I don't feel detached from my family because I have a different name. DS seems to quite like me having a different name and corrects anyone who gets it wrong (when I don't mind people assuming I have the same name as him). He also tells girls that can keep their name if they want.

Bless him, my little feminist.

WalkingThePlank · 13/06/2014 10:29

pyttipanne - your DH sounds great

MorrisZapp · 13/06/2014 10:29

How many men change their surnames for the reasons given on here?

Answer: none. None that I have met or heard of anyway.

Ironically, in the Wedlock book (about women's status as male property in Georgian Britain) the vile abusive husband takes his wife's surname as it's the only way he can get his mitts on her money under the terms of her father's will.

MorrisZapp · 13/06/2014 10:30

Oops, cross post!

Answer: one :)

exexpat · 13/06/2014 10:32

I got married 23 years ago and kept my name. Very few of the women I worked with at the time changed their names, at least professionally, but I have been surprised at a few women in my family who have.

The DCs have DH's surname, with my name as a middle name so they could use it as double-barrelled if they wanted.

Keeping my own name has only ever been a problem for my in-laws (they avoided using my surname for years) and a few older relatives, and also travelling with the children - I have to take their birth certificates with us.

I know one man who took his wife's name, and one couple who both changed to a double-barrelled combination of their surnames.

moonbells · 13/06/2014 10:32

We combined surnames (deed polls) so the family all has the same name and my old family name doesn't vanish (I am an only child) but I still use my maiden name for work as that's the name I've always published academic work under.

Still have the odd few folk who still can't get it right, or transpose the order of names which is a bit irritating. We've been married almost 10 years...

dorisdog · 13/06/2014 10:32

perhaps, in this day and age, the question we should be asking is why aren't our husbands considering changing their names to ours? I don't think they should, anymore than women should change their names, but why is it the question that we agonise over? Many people I know are in same sex marriages. They just have a chat about which name they prefer.

FiveHoursSleep · 13/06/2014 10:32

We've been married for coming up 14 years and I've kept my maiden name for bank, passport, and work stuff. I use my married name for family stuff and at school. The kids have my DH's last name.
It does confuse people sometimes as I don't wear a ring either, but hey ho!

CMOTDibbler · 13/06/2014 10:33

We'll have been married 17 years this year, and I'm Ms Myname, just as I've been since I was 13. Ds is myname-hisname, and I'm sure will make his own decision about names when he forms a partnership.

PIL and dh's family still send stuff to Mr&Mrs Hisname which gives me the rage as I have never ever used the honorative or name and they have been told this. If anyone calls me Mrs Hisname or Mrs myname-hisname I correct them.

Stinkle · 13/06/2014 10:36

Yes.

We talked about which name to use, his, mine or to double barrel. We went with his - easier to spell, I preferred his to mine