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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did you change your surname upon marriage?

558 replies

Gryffindor · 13/06/2014 00:15

Just that, really? And if you did, did you keep your maiden name professionally?

DH and I have been married a while now but through a combination of feminist thoughts, laziness and professional reputation I haven't changed. All married female friends have changed theirs, often with mind boggling speed!

Aibu to ask?

OP posts:
LawnOrnament · 13/06/2014 07:38

Nope. DC are double barreled.

Friends are a mix. Most married ones in this country have changed their names. In my home country, not so much.

sonlypuppyfat · 13/06/2014 07:41

I changed my name with lightening speed my maiden name was lovely, but I didn't even consider keeping it. We we're married and I wanted us all to have the same name.

Ledkr · 13/06/2014 07:41

No I didn't and I also get every birthday card addressed to mrs dh no matter how many times we tell the in laws. They are without doubt doing it to prove a point

cashmiriana · 13/06/2014 07:45

I kept my name on marriage 17 years ago.
The DC have DH's surname however. We were debating which of our names to use for them, but when DD1 was born and we finally agreed on a name for her, we realised it sounded absolutely awful with my surname: both are actual vocabulary words and it made her sound like a paint colour, or the name of a hippy 'alternative' gift shop so she got DH's. When DD2 came along we had the discussion again, but as her name was even more flowery, there was no question of her having mine.

I don't like DH's name. It's fine the way he pronounces it but in the accent local to where we now live it sounds awful. I would have spent the entire time correcting people to the 'proper' pronunciation, and sounding like Hyacinth Bucket. I think DH was quite relieved I decided against it.

Floisme · 13/06/2014 07:50

No I didn't. My son has my name too which wasn't planned but, after giving birth I just felt that I had done all the hard work so why should I give my name away? I don't get this 'family unit' argument; it's perfectly possible to share a life and a home without sharing a name.

weegiemum · 13/06/2014 07:56

I did, for several reasons: I was caught up in the romance of it all and was only 24; didn't have a professional reputation really as I'd only just started teaching; I did want us to eventually have kids and the family unit thing sits well with me; I hadn't developed the finer points of feminist thought; my name was a fairly ordinary boring one whereas dh's name is unique, everyone with that name in the world is related and I know I'm the only one!

It's quirky and different even though it sounds just a little bit rude and I feel it's me now (been married 19 years).

Blackjackcrossed · 13/06/2014 07:56

One of my friends had her dcs before she got married, but they had their dad's name, she changed her name because she was a bit fed up with assumptions people made about her not being her dcs mum.
Dh didn't mind whose surname our dcs had as long as it wasn't double-barrelled!

bigTillyMint · 13/06/2014 08:00

Yes, but it was in part down to not really wanting my fathers family name and also wanting us all to have the same surname.

Lots of my friends didn't and lots did - all fine as far as I'm concerned!

MorrisZapp · 13/06/2014 08:12

I wouldn't change my name. Ds has DPs surname, it causes no confusion at all.

I think women changing their names is a rubbish idea and it makes me inwardly sad to see so many young women keen on it. In my antenatal group I was the only one not married, and they all had their husbands name.

I wonder if it's all a bit post modern, ironic kind of thing, like the fad for celebrities having Mrs Hisname tattooed on them etc.

My mil still has her husband's surname despite the fact he fucked off twenty five years ago with a lady from down the road and they divorced shortly after.

We live in an odd world.

HecatePropylaea · 13/06/2014 08:41

Yes, I changed mine.

I had a really boring name and my husband had a lovely one. I much preferred it so now I have it too. It goes with my first name much better than my old dull as ditchwater one did.

I never really gave a shit about my old surname in the first place. I don't associate it with anything, don't ascribe any sort of identity to it, it isn't and never was meaningful to me in any way and I didn't have a job where my name meant anything, so it didn't matter to me to keep it as there was no particular benefit to me.

It really was as simple as 'I like yours better.' Grin

BolshierAyraStark · 13/06/2014 08:44

Yes I changed as I wanted to have the same name as any future DC. We now have those DC & I love that we have a shared family name.

Treeceratops · 13/06/2014 08:50

I changed my name because it felt odd not to, but kept my original name professionally. However, I use Ms as I don't want to be defined by my marital status.

Groovee · 13/06/2014 08:52

I went double barrelled for a short time, then when I returned from honeymoon, I became Mrs Groovee.

A lot of mothers I work with use their name they qualified in for work and their married name on the register at work. Causes some confusion when you phone them at work and use their married name.

WooWooOwl · 13/06/2014 08:53

I changed my name, just because I wanted to. I like having the same surname as my husband.

MrsAtticus · 13/06/2014 08:53

No, DH and I are Muslim and Muslim women keep their own name after marriage.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 13/06/2014 08:56

I changed mine but not sure I would if doing things over again, nor probably recommend it to others eg. dd.

I'm terrible with paper-work and only just got round to finally updating my name on my driver's licence (a work currently in progress with DVLA), over 15 years after getting married.
Took me over 5 years to do so on my passport.
So, it's been a gradual process here.

I was interested to know that it seems reasonably OK to be using two surnames, so that helps a bit. Think if doing things again I'd embrace the two surnames possibility a bit more?

But basically I've found it's all quite a lot of hassle.

I do like my new surname and think of it more as my adult surname and the same one as my DC. So, our family name. I don't think of it as taking his name so much, and if we were to split up I don't think I'd change it as I could just feel it was the same name as my DC's Smile
And like I say my name as much as his these days.

ghostmous3 · 13/06/2014 09:10

I am getting married next year and I will be changing my surname to dp as soon as we do it.

I hate my surname, its a capital city of somewhere and Igot bullied in school badly for it, everyone comments on it, or gets it wrong as they cant quite believe my surname is that. Ive even been called a liar on the phone!

It is the last link to my dad and I am the last one but it makes me unhappy. Dp likes it and was willing to change to mine but ive said no.

We also have 3 different surnames in our family. Ds and dd1 have their own dads name, theres my name and dp and my younger 2 have the same surname so it will be nice for at least 4 of us to have the same surname

ds wants to change his but not to dp but dd1 wants to keep hers.

Sometimes people change because they really want to not because they feel they must

Nancery · 13/06/2014 09:15

No, I didn't. I would never even consider it either. Personally, I find it a very outdated and oppressive thing to do (don't mean to offend those who have, but it's not for me!)

Harry1603 · 13/06/2014 09:19

I changed mine because I wanted to. I had no attachment to my maiden name so changed it as soon as got married.

Igggi · 13/06/2014 09:20

No, never did, never would.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 13/06/2014 09:21

As someone who has changed names I think that's fair enough Nancery

  • I can see it's something that women may be less and less happy or prepared to do as we go on. But it does slightly leave the question of what surname any children will have. I think the Spanish have quite an interesting system of evolving double-barreled surnames? But if I remember rightly it's still the man's surname which endures down the generations!
aurynne · 13/06/2014 09:21

Musicaltheatremum
"You do realise that people in 100 years time doing genealogy will struggle. My father has done our family tree back to the early 1800 s and if people didn't change their names to the family name it would be very difficult to do this"

It may blow your mind to learn that many countries in the World (all the Spanish-speaking ones, for instance), where no one changes their names after marrying or have ever done, have no problem whatsoever to keep up with their genealogies... It may also blow your mind to know that the woman passes half of her genes to their children, so her contribution should be 50% in a genealogy regardless of family name. Your mind may actually disintegrate if I told you that most Anglosaxon genealogies are useless after 3-4 generations, as an average of 20-25% of children from a marriage are not their supposed father's children... so using the male family name to build a genealogy is actually almost a guarantee that genealogy will be wrong and the people in it will have nothing in common in 3-4 generations.

There.

CuriosityCola · 13/06/2014 09:22

I didn't like my surname and loved my dh's surname. Therefore, changed at mind boggling speed Wink

I also wanted dh, the kids and I to have the same surname.

CrispyFB · 13/06/2014 09:31

Yes and no. All my medical and financial data is in my maiden name and I intend to keep my maiden name for professional purposes too when I return to work. My FB is also in my maiden name.

But for school stuff/DC stuff and anything that isn't important I use my married name, especially if it avoids confusion.

It does sometimes get confusing if I can't remember which name I used where, but it's not a big deal. And I get two names, woo!!

unlucky83 · 13/06/2014 09:34

Not married - so not an issue (been with DP for almost 20 yrs - but I don't like the institution of marriage - think I would do a civil partnership though!). What has surprised me on this thread is the number of people saying they changed their name so they could have the same name as their DCs...the assumption being DCs would have DH's surname...I really don't understand the logic in that.
Mine have 2 surnames but mainly use mine ....surely it makes more sense for DCs to have their mother's surname anyway....
Firstly the mother is one that carried them around for 9 months and (mostly) pushed them out..
Secondly, in the case of a relationship breakdown, usually it is the mother who becomes the main carer ...