Did you change your surname upon marriage?

[Gryffindor]

Just that, really? And if you did, did you keep your maiden name professionally?

DH and I have been married a while now but through a combination of feminist thoughts, laziness and professional reputation I haven't changed. All married female friends have changed theirs, often with mind boggling speed!

Aibu to ask?

We didn't have to do it by deedpoll when my husband changed his name, our marriage certificate was enough proof for the bank etc. this was in scotland though. And involved some wrangling with/educating of the bank - I think now that people can have civil partnerships and same sex marriages the rules about whose surname you take/double barrelling etc have had to change.

I kept my name but added his to it by deed poll, but without a hyphen. DH kept his name and the kids will have his name too, but I will have 2 surnames. It's a personal choice really, and I don't judge others based on what they want to do with their own surname.

In regards to the why aren't men changing their name, I think that's just tradition. It just hasn't occurred to people as an option. That could alter over time...possibly.

I'm more curious as to why women aren't naming themselves. If it's 'just dads' name and dh is 'losing my identity' do people feel a double barrel creates that identity then? And why aren't women just making a new name up by deed poll they like at 18?

Men are changing their name, my husband did a and I know two other couples who similarly created a new double barrelled surname for both of them.

I've changed mine on most things. I use either really, depending on the situation.

Neither of us changed our names when we got married and we have never encountered any of the problems some of you have mentioned.

No one has thought be were kidnappers when we travel aboard with our children. No one has asked if we were actually married or just co habiting ( because that woudl be rude and none of their business ) .

No one has questioned our right to deal with the school,doctors, teachers, HCP because we have a different name. They just want to know that we are that child's parent - our name or marital status is irelevant to that .

Indeed, I woudl be unhappy about colluding with such a system, as it discriminates against unmarried couples , same sex couples and other " non traditional " families.

We feel like a " proper family " ( whatever that is ) , one unit, our children are not traumatised , our frends , families and neighbours politely accept our wishes to be called what we want to be called.

Neither of us consider our names to be not ours, but in fact our fathers. We have had them all our lives, that makes them ours. I don't understand why other women feel that their surname isn't really their, it's belongs to their fathers. Whereas their husbands name is actually his. Why can men own their names in a way women do not ?

We know lots of couples who have changed one or both names and other have changed neither. I think it's entirely their own business.

I admire the creativity of those who have made totally new names for theirselves ,double barrelled, whatever. I think diversity is fun and I love the way they are creating new traditions that say something about their own family and what it means to them .

I'm amazed to see so many posters have never met a woman who hasn't changed her name and never met a man who has. I can't imagine where you live ( assuming it's in a liberal western democracy ) . Please don't say a small scottish island, BTW , as I'll know you are making it up

I know lots of women who didn't change their name (more that did though)

I know a few people who went double barrelled, or gave the kids double barrelled names and each kept their own

I haven't met a man who has changed his name to his wife's as yet, though I know a few unmarried men who say they would consider it if they were to get married

I know two couples who made up a new surname entirely when they got married, which is quite cool

I still don't know anyone else whose children have the mother's name, this seems to still be a bit of a "new thing" compared to keeping your name which is quite common now I think

I live in a big northern city

my parents gave me my name. and either they love me or they are damn good actors.

The point I was making was that my surname is simply that bestowed upon me by patriarchal convention. Ie it is that of my father and the surname my mother changed her father's surname to.

My first name was chosen for me by my parents and that is the name I have chosen to keep.

I changed - and as fast as I could get the documents all fixed.

I had a long double-barrelled surname and moved to a very short name - bliss!

I wanted to have the same name as our children - and no way was I triple-barrelling. DH didn't care either way if I did or not.

I did keep my maiden-name professionally for a year, but now don't as I moved sector - if I went back to what I was doing before then I would use my maiden-name again for that.

For some reason I found it very strange at first when my DB's wife changed her surname to my maiden name... felt a bit like it was being usurped. Totally irrational and I didn't expect to feel that way.

I know at least 3 men who changed their surnames to their new wives for a variety of reasons.

If I had married someone with a dreadful last name and was destined to be Mrs Scragglebottom for the rest of my life (apologies to any Scragglebottoms out there) then I would have kept my maiden name and probably insisted that any children had mine too!

Btw, it doesn't discriminate against same-sex couples at all - one of my colleagues changed his name to his husbands when they got married. He said he felt really happy sending the email out to the whole company to inform them of his change of name and new email address.

To those posters who don't get why having the same surname makes you feel part of something it's hard to explain as right or wrong it's just a feeling. I personally like to be part of and known collectively as the Somersets rather than lady x and mr somerset it is a feeling of belonging. I don't think it would matter if we had used my maiden name instead of his or even picked a random 'name' it would still be the same end result.

And as for the ridiculous suggestion to do away with forenames and just call mr, mrs, master ms somerset etc that would be like step back into the formality of history and make everyday situations feel like and episode of Downton Abby!

I do know a number of people who give their sons the same forename and surname. Is that questionable too? Is the father taking the ' ownership ' a step too far?

people aren't going to 'quietly change things on a personal level' if they never consider the issue in the first place. when I got married some people genuinely thought I wasn't allowed to keep my name

I expect that is correct. But I knew that I didn't have to change my name and object to people thinking I did it through ignorance rather than an informed choice.

well, if women thought about it a bit more then they might actually make a choice - few do, they never give it a thought and merrily give up something as fundamental as their name.

I don't think it that fundamental. A change is quite nice. It is very arbitrary anyway considering you have parents with 2 names, grandparents with 4-you very quickly get to 64 family names. If I were to choose I would have my paternal grandmother's maternal grandmother's name. I can't see why you have to be so attached to your father's name all your life. I know who I am and am just as much my first surname as my new one.

All personal choice.

I agree SomersetLady -I like to be known as the 'Blues' when out with my family and not have them as the 'Blues' while I am grouped with my brothers.

And don't tell me I'm the only one who thinks it makes you sound like twats

Absolutely this. I just automatically assume that people who give their kids double barrelled are pretentious arseholes.

Y Y Delphinium. I'd hate to be thought of as a victim of patriarchy, when I have made a conscious choice. Never liked my maiden name. If I could choose, would take great grandma's, but that's a bit far fetched, IMO, and making up my own name would be a tad too hippyish to me.

Agree with Somerset too. It's just nice...crap reasoning I know, but it just is.

Ds1 is 6. So for 6 years, I've been Jones (for instance) and my now dh and dc have been Smith. It's lovely to actually be 'The Smiths', and to have the same name as a unit.

I've also found it easier just having one surname to use. Restaurant bookings, camping reservations, all sorts of random things - I no longer have to hesitate and think 'did I give my name or dh's? Umm...it's either under Jones or Smith...'. It sounds like such a petty thing but really makes things a lot easier.

On another note, I do enjoy being able to use the term 'husband'. I hate all the other words for your other half. Boyfriend - I am not a fifteen year old. Fiance - pretentious as fuck. Partner - makes you sound like a lesbian. Etc.

Since I am researching family history and have got back to late 18th century I am very grateful for a traditional pattern of naming. It was even easier when they had a traditional first name pattern. However I have no doubt it could cope with change-some research might even be easier.
The main difficulty would be not having a general rule.

I changed my name very quickly. I think it is a good way to show unity. We sometimes refer to each other as "Mr F"and "Mrs F", it is just nice! We also have a wooden plaque in our porch saying "Mr and Mrs F_" and our wedding date. It's never been about "giving up" my identity to my husband as some women often say it is, it is just a lovely way to show that we are a team-that's what marriage is about, isn't it? Teaming up and making each other happy, achieving things together etc.

"Makes you sound like a lesbian."

Well, we wouldn't want that, would we? FFS. There is a " lesbophobia" thread elsewhere which I think you would benefit from reading...

" partner -makes you sound a like a lesbian "

And why woudl that be a problem?

Why would you imagine that some one taking a restaurant booking either knows or cares what your sexuality is ?

If someone cares to speculate about my sexual orientation because I use Dr , Ms or professor MyName than than Miss or Mrs DH name , then they are very welcome . They are clearly very sad people living bitter and unfulfilled lives .

Obviously I have been sailing through life , blissfully unaware of the gossip and speculation surrounding me on a daily basis. I'm suprised I've not read about myself in the daily fail

Perhaps I woudl have more friends if I carried my marriage certificate with me and produced it with a flourish when meeting new people

" just to reassure you, I'm not a shameless hussy, wantonly cohabiting and destroying my children lives. Or a lesbian < shudder > . I'm a respectable married woman , Dontcha know "

Maybe I should carry my children's birth certificates too, in case people dont want my children to play with their children in case they are illegitimate

< wonders if we have fallen through a gap in the space time continuum and landed in 1950>

Oops x posted with council of ladies

I didn't change my name and the dc have my surname, not dh's. It's never caused any problems.

I'm also into genealogy but my family must be a rough lot as there are loads of illegitimate births where a name carries on through the female line. It's not that tricky to work out!

Hmmm, not condoning homophobia at all, and I'm certainly not homophobic myself. However, I sort of see where wedded bliss is coming from. My cousin has been with his partner for 15 years and they are unmarried. He is a semi professional La Crosse player and when he first started on the team, he referred to his other half as his "life partner", everyone accepted it, and never behaved any differently towards him, then a while later his partner turned up at a game and he introduced her. They all raised their eyebrows and said "I thought you were gay? Your "life partner" is a woman!". I'm not sure why, but "partner" does seem to have some association with same sex relationships!? No idea why!!

I kept my own name as it had been mine all my life until I got married and just struck me as a very odd thing to do to change it. Kids have got DHs name but both have mine as a second middle name (not double barrelled). My name isn't my father's, it's mine - I didn't choose it but I've always used it and I don't understand why I should take DH's.

Never had a moments problem with holidays or anything else though some friends did with getting paperwork sorted when they changed their names post-marriage.

I hate name changing - it makes it far harder to cyberstalk.