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Original poster

Did you change your surname upon marriage?

558 replies

Gryffindor · 13/06/2014 00:15

Just that, really? And if you did, did you keep your maiden name professionally?

DH and I have been married a while now but through a combination of feminist thoughts, laziness and professional reputation I haven't changed. All married female friends have changed theirs, often with mind boggling speed!

Aibu to ask?

OP posts:
Escada · 14/06/2014 05:01

Why can't men sometimes change their surnames? I have female friends with swish French surnames and would hate to see those vanish.

Many of us still effectively bear our old slave names from the feudal past: Baker, Chandler, Smith, Butcher, Gardener, etc., etc. The activist Malcolm X pointed this out in the 1960s in the context of the slave origins of the surnames of black people, but it was a wider issue.

I thought that it was worth mentioning, as the Tories seem bent on bringing feudalism back.

(I am aware of the slight snobbery wrt the French surnames. Please do not bother to point it out.)

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 07:28

Men can change their surname- it is all personal choice.

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 07:30

Those jobs were skilled- I would think you would be proud to be called Baker etc. I would like Gardener- great to think your ancestors were good at it.

weebairn · 14/06/2014 07:31

But men DON'T change their surnames because they are hard to spell or they don't really like them or they want their kids to all have the same name.

So it's not personal choice, it's cultural expectations, and trying to pretend otherwise is silly.

If you don't have a problem with the expectation that's fine, but don't try to pretend 90% of women (or however many) just don't like the way their surname is spelled but curiously this only applies to 0.1% of men .

weebairn · 14/06/2014 07:32

I know lots of blokes who hate their surname, or their family. None of them have changed their names!

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 07:34

I was quite happy with my surname and the spelling. I changed because I wanted to change. Plenty of men changed in the past to do with inheritance. It is no one else's business what you do.

HippieInASecondLocation · 14/06/2014 07:41

It may be no one else's business what one individual decides to do for themselves, but looking at this collectively is society's business. And the point remains that if it was simply personal preference then men would be doing it in great numbers too. They are not.

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 07:44

But they can if they want! I didn't ask mine to change, had no desire for him to change it and it is purely my business - I am not aiming to suit society. And it is not their business.

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 07:46

Things change when people quietly change them on a personal level and not when bossy people tell us we ought to think and do. That never gets change.

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 07:48

I went up the alphabet for a start- a huge advantage for someone who has been at the end.

HippieInASecondLocation · 14/06/2014 07:53

Actually change happens when people start to question out loud why things are the way they are. And more and more people then start to look closely at why and how our society develops the way it does. Yes it is your business that you changed your name. It is part of an evolving society to reflect on global patterns and trends and to question those results collectively. Men don't not change their name just because it hasn't occured to them or no one asked.

OwlCapone · 14/06/2014 07:53

And the point remains that if it was simply personal preference then men would be doing it in great numbers too. They are not.

Is it as easy for men? all women have to do is get married, does than have to also complete a deed poll? If this is the case, then any law should be changed to make it as easy for a man to change simply upon marriage.

I changed mine after 29 years of hell from my maiden name. I am neither outdated nor oppressed and I am not defined by my name. I havent changed back following my divorce either.

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 07:58

I have questioned it, I know perfectly well that I didn't have to change. I just get irritated that I am thought to follow blindly because I was ignorant. We can have the same information and get different conclusions.

Middleoftheroad · 14/06/2014 08:09

I changed mine eventually as i changed my children's names too. Pre marriage they had my surname. When we got married i got fed up of people assuming dh wasn't their dad as he had diff surname. The boys now have 2 birth certs and we sometimes have 2 produce both and are still known as their previous surname in some nhs correspondance etc which confuses the boys. I wish now i had given them hubby name from start or made hubby change his surname after marriage!

Halsall · 14/06/2014 08:41

I do have a (male) friend who changed his name to his wife's. He liked it and it was more unusual than his own. He did it by deed poll and it was very simple.

When I married Dh I didn't for a moment consider changing my name. I have a job and am known by my own name - didn't change bank accounts, passports, etc, etc, either.

Dh wouldn't have dreamed of being upset by this. In fact he grinned when the registrar said to me with great impressiveness 'and now you need to sign here, it will be the LAST TIME you sign your maiden name'.

Er, no, it won't Grin

OwlCapone · 14/06/2014 08:44

it will be the LAST TIME you sign your maiden name

Technically it was though, as it is now your married name.

And you are no longer a maiden Shock :o

OwlCapone · 14/06/2014 08:45

I do have a (male) friend who changed his name to his wife's. He liked it and it was more unusual than his own. He did it by deed poll and it was very simple.

Why should he have to do it by deed poll though? A marriage should be sufficient for men too.

ceres · 14/06/2014 08:46

"Things change when people quietly change them on a personal level and not when bossy people tell us we ought to think and do. That never gets change"

people aren't going to 'quietly change things on a personal level' if they never consider the issue in the first place. when I got married some people genuinely thought I wasn't allowed to keep my name, that really I'd be mrs dh. i still get asked what my married name is - i don't have one. neither do i have a maiden name.

lots of women don't consider WHY they are changing their name, it is 'just what you do'. well, if women thought about it a bit more then they might actually make a choice - few do, they never give it a thought and merrily give up something as fundamental as their name.

Deftones · 14/06/2014 08:48

I'm getting married in September, I'll be taking DP's surname because I like it and my maiden name means little to me.

DP would be happy to take my surname but I prefer his unique one Wink

ceres · 14/06/2014 08:52

"the registrar said to me with great impressiveness 'and now you need to sign here, it will be the LAST TIME you sign your maiden name'"

not a chance of this happening to me! the priest was well informed that i was not being given away and that i was not changing my name so on no account was he to congratulate mr and mrs dh - unless he wanted to congratulate my in laws.

the hotel was also told that we did not require the twee 'congratulations mr and mrs dh'. obviously they couldn't quite believe it ,as it was there, but a quiet word and the silly sign disappeared.

OwlCapone · 14/06/2014 08:55

merrily give up something as fundamental as their name

I didn't give up my name. I changed the part of it that was bestowed upon me through patriarchal convention and kept the part that was bestowed upon me with love.

ceres · 14/06/2014 08:58

"I didn't give up my name. I changed the part of it that was bestowed upon me through patriarchal convention and kept the part that was bestowed upon me with love."

my parents gave me my name. and either they love me or they are damn good actors.

WeddedBliss · 14/06/2014 09:03

to the extent that every Christmas & birthday I have to write thank you notes for cheques that I can't cash

Just as an aside for anyone that may not be aware...you don't necessarily need to change your name to be able to accept cheques in your husbands name. I work in a bank and we will accept cheques as long as the marriage certificate is provided.

So 'Ms Marie Jones' with a bank account in that name can also pay in a cheque payable to 'Mrs Marie Smith' as long as the marriage certificate is seen to prove she's married to Mr Smith.

Holfin · 14/06/2014 09:12

I just married s

Holfin · 14/06/2014 09:13

I just married someone with the same surname. Saved making a decision !