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Original poster

Did you change your surname upon marriage?

558 replies

Gryffindor · 13/06/2014 00:15

Just that, really? And if you did, did you keep your maiden name professionally?

DH and I have been married a while now but through a combination of feminist thoughts, laziness and professional reputation I haven't changed. All married female friends have changed theirs, often with mind boggling speed!

Aibu to ask?

OP posts:
weebairn · 13/06/2014 21:29

'I told her that I had reasoned that one way or another I was going to carry the name of a man: either my father's (my maiden name) or my husband's(my new married name) and I had decided that my future was with my husband rather than with my dad, so I had dropped my dad's name.'

Did your husband not want to change his name to yours to signify that his future was with you, not his parents? Why not?

The double standards in the logic on this thread is extraordinary.

weebairn · 13/06/2014 21:32

And WHERE ARE all the men who

a) hate their surname
b) hate their dad
c) don't care about their name cause it's their dad's really, not theirs
d) just slightly prefer their wife's trendier surname

...cause it seems like none of them think these are good enough reasons to change their name. Which makes me think these aren't really reasons at all.

I have no problem whatsoever with people who change their name for marriage for the record. It's the dishonesty of claiming the only reason the idea even occurred to them was because their DH had a better name! Just say, "i like the tradition" or "it's what everyone does and I have no problem with it" whatever.

cerealqueen · 13/06/2014 21:34

Engaged, and won't be doing this.

The DCs also have my and DP's name, so it won't be an issue about having the same as the DCs. I figured I had a fair amount to do with them being on the plane, and was buggered if they had DP's name and not mine.

DP not happy as its 'tradition'. I remind him it harks back to time when women and children belonged to men in law and name.

I remember seeing post addressed to my mum as 'Mrs my dads first name and my dad's second name' her identity completely lost. I knew then I would never do it.

HermioneWeasley · 13/06/2014 21:34

Weebairn has made the point I tried to

TippiShagpile · 13/06/2014 21:37

I changed my name.

I would hate the idea of having children and them having dh's name and not mine. To me it's as good as saying they are his children and belong to him and I was just the birth vessel.

ceres · 13/06/2014 21:39

Tippi - then why not give the children YOUR name????

weebairn · 13/06/2014 21:40

You made it just as well Hermione - this thread has moved at quite a pace! I love your post :) (not clear from it whether you are male or female, but either way I love it)

pyttipanne's post also made me happy.

My DP doesn't have my name (well we're not married anyway) but our daughter has mine and he took a while thinking about that but now is extremely proud of it and tells everyone about it and why he loves it

halfdrunktea · 13/06/2014 21:40

Yes I did, but sometimes wish I'd kept my old name. It was a pain changing it, and seems quite an old-fashioned and not very feminist thing to do. I decided in a bit of a rush when we were booking our honeymoon. On the other hand, I quite like us all having the same name, and I enjoy not having to spell my married surname out! I used to have a unique name before, and was extremely Googleable, whereas now there are probably many other people with the same name as me. People were always asking where my surname came from, whereas for all they knew I could have an just as a exciting family history on my mother's side.

My parents are divorced, but my mum still has my dad's surname.

I know some people who've kept their maiden name, although most I've met locally have changed it and a few have double-barelled. However, I rarely meet any children who have their mother's name - it always seems to be the father's.

cerealqueen · 13/06/2014 21:44

I would hate the idea of having children and them having dh's name and not mine. To me it's as good as saying they are his children and belong to him and I was just the birth vessel.

This is the argument I hear trotted out all the time. Give the DC your name.

ceres · 13/06/2014 21:45

"To me it's as good as saying they are his children and belong to him and I was just the birth vessel."

and what does changing your name to his say?

TippiShagpile · 13/06/2014 21:45

Makes no odds to me whether we all have my name or dh's as long as we are the same.

weebairn · 13/06/2014 21:46

No one has given me any grief for my daughter having my name. maybe they wouldn't dare, i am small but fierce

DP's mum was a bit grumbly in a feeble sort of way, but she is miserable all the time anyway. Her other son is EXTREMELY conservative (with a small c) and she grumbles at him too so who cares right...

ceres · 13/06/2014 21:48

if my dh wanted to change his name to mine I wouldn't agree. sod off - you have a name, hands off mine.

CuntCourtIsInSession · 13/06/2014 21:50

I'm always surprised by these threads, I didn't think people felt so much pressure to change their name any more.

I'm Irish, and I was about to say I don't know a single person who changed their name after marriage, but then I realised I do, just one, and she had the most dull name in existence, and her husband's name is utterly supercool Grin so I can see why she would have.

It's not a thing anyone would ever dare comment on, surely? Can you imagine it? "Oh, you're not going to change your name? Shock" Are people actually that rude?!

If we have children I do think on consideration that we'll give them DP's name rather than double barrel (which would be my preference), but that's solely to make sure DP's daughter doesn't feel like she's not part of the family unit, as she only has his surname.

mrsorielsaldana · 13/06/2014 21:53

I changed to DH's name. We wanted to be matchy - like Howard and Hilda from Ever Decreasing Circles - and we talked about him changing to my name, but his first name and my old surname gave him a rather disturbing set of initials. Then we decided to choose a completely new name for us both, but we couldn't decide, so I ended up going with his name.

As an aside, many years ago I used to work with a very unpleasant woman whose surname was Dick. As in penis. She got married and didn't change her name. The rest of us in the office were a bit Confused.

Teabiscuits · 13/06/2014 21:57

I changed, I just felt I wanted to, and had no particular reason to keep my maiden name.

I did put both my maiden and married names into a 'how posh is your surname?' thing online. With my maiden name 85% of people are posher, with my married name only 15% of people are posher!. Going up in the world.... or would be, if surnames still actually meant anything these days.

I really don't think it matters, it's a personal choice.

cerealqueen · 13/06/2014 21:59

It does matter. And its a personal choice man very very rarely make.

ninipops · 13/06/2014 22:03

Didn't change mine. Have very vivid memories of my mum saying we (have 2 DSis) should always keep our own names. She said this after my DF died - not sure what her reasoning was I was too young to ask but it seems to have stuck as my DSis who is married has kept her name too.

Caused uproar with my PIL tho. Lots of comments about 'Mr Pops name not being good enough for you' and at one stage they even suggested shortly after DD1 was born that she would be bullied in school because she has a different name to her mum!

Makes my blood boil tho when I get cards from MIL and DH's aunt addressed to Mr & Mrs DHname - bloody rude.

Slight tangent but good to have a vent Wink

Igggi · 13/06/2014 22:03

Personal choices matter

CuntCourtIsInSession · 13/06/2014 22:05

I think if it was 'just personal choice' men would also change theirs, wouldn't they? It would be about fifty fifty, surely.

The fact that they don't suggests this is way more complex than personal choice alone.

fakenamefornow · 13/06/2014 22:06

I kept my name, the children are double barrelled so have both our names. I think this is the perfect solution in the 21st century. I can't believe women still change their names and even worse give their children the partners name and not their name.

I think my solution is future prove as well. I will always have the name I was born with, no need to ever change it. My children, while they are children, will have both their mum and their dad's name. If DH and I divorce and have more children (not likely!) those children will share a name with each bio parent AND bio siblings.

I expect (well hope) that if my children marry they will do the same as me, keep their own name. I also hope that if they have children each parent will hand down one name, sparing them from ever posting on mums net about how children have dad's name, mums remarried stupidly changed name now we all have different names to each other whine, whine whine. Just keep your own name and give your children your name.

Bit harsh of me I know. When I got married, twenty years ago, I did think about changing my name, DH does have a much nicer name than me and I didn't get on great with my family. But the real reason I thought about it was just that I was swept up in the romance of it all. These days I am very glad I kept my own name and quite proud of the fact I did. I don't mind at all if people don't know and call me by DH's name though, I don't even correct them most of the time, neither does Dh when somebody calls him by my name.

Chunderella · 13/06/2014 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LongTailedTit · 13/06/2014 22:30

weebairn Re the 'men don't tend to change their names' point, i reckon that's largely down to cultural expectation - women are still expected to change their names upon marriage. Fine, sure, these days no one is really shocked if they don't, but it is still the accepted norm, = men's names are their own, women's names are theirs temporarily.

If men hate their fathers, they may not consider their name to be 'his' as much, as it won't necessarily occur to them that they have the option to change it. A man changing his name raises a heck of a lot more curiosity.

As I said upthread, I didn't feel attached to my surname at all due to daddy issues - I seriously considered changing it to my mum's by deed poll at 18, having wanted to do so for years, but decided to wait in case i was being hasty and regretted it (DMs name is a bit of a clanger). In hindsight I should've just done it - I then would've kept it upon marriage.

fakenamefornow · 13/06/2014 22:33

A cousin of mine is on her forth (I think) surname. She's only been married once but had children with two different partners so used their names while she was with them. I think her eldest child had his name changed three times while still a child. Maybe watching her experience made me want to keep my name.

My nan used to have terrible trouble with MY name! She once told me she could never keep up with what my name is now (I have never changed my name and still have the name I was born with). My cousin, on the other hand, she had no trouble with.

herethereandeverywhere · 13/06/2014 22:39

I did not change my name (hate 'maiden name', it's just my name!) I have always disliked the idea of changing my name upon marriage due to the implication of chattel/possession/labelling me as 'belonging to' DH. I had agreed to change it for work but not for home (as a compromise - he was copying a mates argument and threatening not to wear a wedding ring if I didn't change my name). Anyway, I just never did it and when my passport was up for renewal a year or so after the wedding I just explained to DH how upset I would be about losing what I consider to be an integral part of me. So I'm still the same name I've always been.

My mum and others tried to tell me it would be oh so difficult but it hasn't been. I still get cards to Mrs [DH name] esp. from MIL. She and SIL think I'm weird for not changing!

I now have 2 DD and they have DH's surname. I wasn't fussed about arguing for them having 'my' name as I'm so against a name indicating chattel/possession - I don't want to label them as 'mine'. They do need a surname so I was happy to accept it was DH's. We have had no problems with this, oldest DD nearly 5. I have no issue with having a different name to them - anyone who knows us knows they are my DDs. If they don't know us, why would I care what they think?! If it's an official person we can officially prove they are my children (I have never had to!)

DD knows about my name and her name. We talk about mummy's name is mummy X Her name is firstname Y. Mummy is part of family Y. No issue. As she's older I'll be able to explain in more detail my choices but for now the explanation works fine. I am so glad I stuck to my gut feeling on this and didn't change.