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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did you change your surname upon marriage?

558 replies

Gryffindor · 13/06/2014 00:15

Just that, really? And if you did, did you keep your maiden name professionally?

DH and I have been married a while now but through a combination of feminist thoughts, laziness and professional reputation I haven't changed. All married female friends have changed theirs, often with mind boggling speed!

Aibu to ask?

OP posts:
BlueLily · 13/06/2014 18:36

I didn't change my name when I married. Our DDs have my surname as a middle name and my husbands name as their surname. It works well, my parents really like it. Also, if they change their name when they marry they still have my name. Smile

SarfEasticated · 13/06/2014 18:40

Ah yes, the other part of the decision making process was that my family are in this country and my husbands are all abroad. I thought it would make my dd feel she was really part of his family, if they all had the same name.

nameequality · 13/06/2014 18:41

polgareth I could have gone back to Ms Myname but to have my surname officially as Myname Hisname (no hyphen) needed a deed poll - technically you can do yourself as it is a contract with yourself..

but I got an online company to do for a minimal amount as they had the wording and did all the printing to look naice professional - and made certified copies - and I needed a LOT of copies to change everything!

WeddedBliss · 13/06/2014 18:46

We got married a fortnight ago and I've already changed my name with most things. The ds's already have his name, so I couldn't wait to change my name to all be the same.

I am me, whatever my name. I don't need to hang on to my surname from birth to identify as me, it just wasn't that important to me. Whereas dh was really passionate about his surname becoming the family name, so I was happy to go with it.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2014 18:53

Our kids have different surnames to us,doesn't render us less of a family unit

bumblingbovine49 · 13/06/2014 18:56

The first time I married, I changed my name in some instances. I wanted to keep my maiden name but I was young and felt pressured by the in-laws to make a concession. In addition I had some weird and as it turned out, erroneous idea that I had to have at least one document in my married name so I changed my passport and my car registration when I bought a new car. I then spent the next few years of my married life, randomly using my maiden or married name for anything new which caused chaos when people asked me to provide proof of id, as I could never remember what was in which name and as time went on it just got more confusing. If we hadn't go divorced I would probably have ended up changing my name on most things just to keep it simpler.

With dh I have not changed my name on any document. I have kept my name and it is all much simpler. My background is Italian where women keep their maiden names so it doesn't seem odd to me, it seems normal.

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/06/2014 19:00

I'm not married yet, but will be fairly soon. I'll change my name.

Not really based on it being "the done thing", I've never liked my surname (the jokes just keep on coming) and haven't established myself enough career wise for it to be a factor.

If I ha established myself, regardless of whether I liked my current surname or not, I would keep it for work purposes.

If I loved my current surname, I probably wouldn't change it full stop.

theDudesmummy · 13/06/2014 19:08

Been married twice and would never have considered changing my name.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 13/06/2014 19:08

I did, it's pretty much the only traditional thing we ever did. DS has DH's name and was nearly 3 when we got round to getting married. Couldn't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me for doing it - he doesn't own me, I'm still the same person I was before we married, I consider myself a feminist , don't hate my Dad, don't hate my Maiden name (although my married name is a little easier to spell), didn't consider changing his name to mine.
I chose to change it. So what?

scottishmummy · 13/06/2014 19:10

Who are you confronting,yourself?no ones arguing specifically with you
The so what is unnecessarily combative
Unless you're touchy,that is

TalkinPeace · 13/06/2014 19:12

No.
Still have not 21 years later.
Have a different passport in my married name though.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 13/06/2014 19:16

The So What is merely an expression of frustration that a choice a presumably intelligent woman makes for herself becomes a huge issue.
I wasn't being sensitive (?) or combative and I'm certainly not so up myself that I think that anybody is arguing with me personally. Like everyone else on this thread I was expressing my opinion.

Stripytop · 13/06/2014 19:16

I use it for some things, not for others. It's been a slow slide mainly due to having kids and wanting us all to have the same name. Prefer dh's surname to mine and neither of us wanted to go double-barrelled. I now only have 1 bank account in my maiden name. This recently resulted in the account being frozen as I forgot and used my married signature to take money out Blush.

Somersetlady · 13/06/2014 19:17

Changed personally and socially so we are 'the somersets' for mortgage joint bank ac etc. as other poster have said it's lovely to be part of a little family unit collectively known by one name.

Professionally will never change my name as it is very distinctive and ive worked too hard within the industry to be 'lady who?' Also have my personal bank account and uk passport and driving licence.

Makingmama · 13/06/2014 19:18

I double-barrelled mine and his, the children also. Dh is just his surname though…he didn't want mine too.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2014 19:20

I don't see how same surname equates to family unit?by inference different names=not family unit
As I said we adults have different surnames, and kids have different name to the adults
Doesn't render us less a family unit.

Lab67 · 13/06/2014 19:20

I didn't change mine, and neither did my wife.

As I point out to people who ask why we have different names I tell them I married her, I didn't buy her. She also wasn't "given away" by her father. This is the 21st century FFS.

Such patriarchal attitudes are unfortunately still around. Only a stones throw away from "honour killings" (bad taste pun intended).

And the DCs? Well they have their mother's name as one of their forenames.

And if you really don't like your surname, just change it by deed poll. Getting married seems a very expensive way (emotionally and monetary) just to be called something "better".

weebairn · 13/06/2014 19:23

Did you consider changing your name Lab67? Or giving the kids her surname?

I don't mean the question accusingly - I ask lots of men this and it often simply had never occurred to them.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 13/06/2014 19:24

I know loads of families locally where the children have different surnames to either both or one parent. It surely doesn't genuinely lead some people to imagine that they are less of a family does it?

SandorClegane · 13/06/2014 19:27

We both changed our surname and became the his name-my maiden names.

daisychain01 · 13/06/2014 19:39

I think I will probably keep my current married name from my late DH for work and change to my DPs name when we eventually get our arse into gear and work out how the hell we'll get married far more undecided about the wedding (small, very small, or tiny weeny only is and two witnesses dragged off the street) than my name. Its a nightmare at work changing names. It involves so many processes to change the status-quo, I feel inertia setting in and the easy life seems attractive. Also I deal with lots of people, and the thought of the confusion it will involve leaves me running for the hills.

Meanwhile.... Talk about an array of certificates with different names on... My degree is in my maiden name, Post grad in married name of my late DH (lovely but massively Sad that he died 1 month before my graduation) and now I could have my doctorate in 2 years time if I haven't kicked the bucket thru stress with the surname of my lovely DP who I think would be chuffed to bits if I changed my name (altho he offered to double-barrel his name if I wanted to keep my late DHs surname as well, so we have matching names).

What to do .... Decisions decisions....

Very mischievous thought... I cant imagine what DSSs DM would do if he went back there with a double barrel daisy-chain invented name, no, no don't even go there.....

daisychain01 · 13/06/2014 19:40

.. And change to my DPs name (for our home life ) I meant to say.

mrspremise · 13/06/2014 19:47

Yes, because now I have a fabulous comedy surname which I lovebGrin

LegoUniverse · 13/06/2014 19:48

I kept my name (it's unusual and it's on the cover of my books!!!). DH kept his (it's boring but it's on his books). His DCs (from first marriage) have his name; our DS has my last name, but a first name that is from his family. But, and here's the weird bit, he no longer calls me by my first name, but just calls me 'Missus'. Not Mrs LegoUniverse. Just 'Missus'. Even more weirdly, I quite like it.

Igggi · 13/06/2014 19:53

I wish I'd been on mumsnet before having dc1 as with hindsight I'd like to have used both surnames as the baby's surname. Went the my-surname-as-a-middle-name route. Weirdly, when we had dc2 dh was surprised that I wanted to include my surname again - it was as if I'd used a grandparent's name to honour them, you wouldn't use it twice; but to me it was more of an identifying mark for the dcs so I wanted them both to have it.
And of course, they do Grin