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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did you change your surname upon marriage?

558 replies

Gryffindor · 13/06/2014 00:15

Just that, really? And if you did, did you keep your maiden name professionally?

DH and I have been married a while now but through a combination of feminist thoughts, laziness and professional reputation I haven't changed. All married female friends have changed theirs, often with mind boggling speed!

Aibu to ask?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 13/06/2014 17:20

My dp and I have different names from the kids.we retain our surnames,and kids are double barrelled

tallulah · 13/06/2014 17:26

ceres at last the voice of reason Grin

I am so sick of the same tired old arguments about how it's not your name it's your father's; yet the same thing doesn't apply to men. And the one about future generations - surely they get to choose what they want to do? Plus the genealogy one. I'm a Family History buff and I'm tracing all of my ancestors - 50% of them were female shock, horror

I got married over 30 years ago and did not change my name. We ended up all d-b when we had DC1. I thought things were changing, but it feels like we are back in the 1950s. Is it the sleb culture? There have been lots of z listers getting married and proudly sporting new names in the last few years.

RebekahMacd · 13/06/2014 17:28

I changed mine because hubby's is easier to spell. Although I will spend my entire life saying "small d"...

We looked at double-barrelling but it would have been ridiculous.

Some of the husband's cousins did something that's pretty cool: they took the other's surname as a second middle name and retained their own. Their children have their mother's surname as a middle name and their dad's as their surname.

Timeisawastin · 13/06/2014 17:30

I kept my name and my Dc are double-barrelled. One surname is a regular, local one and the other is from a non-european country. There appear to be no other people with the same surnames(s) as my DC! They are totally happy with who and what they are and it reflects their cultural heritage better than one name or the other. It's entirely up to them what they do in the future, they'll still be the same people :)

Timeisawastin · 13/06/2014 17:31

Scottishmummy Snap! and I'm a Scottish Mummy too.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/06/2014 17:35

I'm a bit puzzled that because I have a different name to DH apparently I'm not part of the same unit. Despite being married and having children together.

nameequality · 13/06/2014 17:36

Yes against my better judgement and then last year I changed by deed poll to Ms MyName HisName - I had to be quite brave to explain to people why I was doing this after 12 years of marriage...

I was inspired by Lucy Stone American campaigner for Votes for Women who was one of the first not to change her name on marriage; she said "my name is my identity and must not be lost". Decided not to go back to Ms MyName as I want to share part of my name with DS and stupidly didn't include MyName as a middle name or part of his surname and he doesn't want to change his name Sad

On getting out my marriage certificate to send off with my deed poll to get a new passport I noticed to my horror that my mother and mother in law's names were not recorded on my marriage certificate as they are not allowed to be in England & Wales but that my father and father in law are recorded.

It's still the same now - today in 2014 a legal document completely sexist and discriminating against women.Angry

So I set up a petition about it and there are now nearly 48,000 supporters at change.org/nameequality and 70 MPs have signed this Early Day Motion

So not changing my name and then changing to incorporate maiden birth name and DHs name 12 years later has had some interesting consequences. Shock

Click here if you want to know what MyName His Name is! Wink

scottishmummy · 13/06/2014 17:38

For a wee while his relatives sent kids stuff addressed,his name only.kept reinforcing that's not it
Eventually they've got it.so maybe the threat do returning items not properly addressed
I did wonder if it was high floutin weans having twa surnames

scottishmummy · 13/06/2014 17:43

How v interesting nameequality,in scotland mothers are included on certificate

squoosh · 13/06/2014 17:44

I signed your petition a few weeks ago nameequality!

Completely agree. Smile

nameequality · 13/06/2014 17:45

Some of you are talking about being Ms etc - which is what this thread is talking about

nameequality · 13/06/2014 17:47

scottishmummy - I know Scotland and N.Ireland mothers names on certificates and in Scotland I've seen grave stones showing birth names of married women - eg here lieth Firstname HerName wife of Firstname HisName - you don't see that in England.

TSSDNCOP · 13/06/2014 17:49

Kept maiden name for work/official docs etc. initially and MrsTSS socially. Was fine until DH booked flights as Mrs TSS. Major hassle. Name changed, same name for entire family. Job done. Am I less of a feminist as a result?

polgareth · 13/06/2014 17:50

nameequality Spot on!
If only I had thought of using myname as part of DC name. Instead they just have their father's name.
Children can be stupidly conservative. They hate that we don't share a family name. I feel like Edina to my DC Saffy sometimes.
I have seriously thought about changing to DH name after 25 years of marriage. Why did you use deed poll by the way?

Peonysandblueglass · 13/06/2014 18:03

I'm going to change mine and I'm a strident feminist! It feels like a fresh start and a new identity as a family tribe member. I can define what it means to be a (Jones, not my real name btw) rather than the name I was born with. Also I just love DP so much if I had to have his elbows for the rest of my life I would because I just LOVE everything about him!

scottishmummy · 13/06/2014 18:08

Why isn't he changing his name peony?did it come up?

weebairn · 13/06/2014 18:09

I'm not married, but the kid (and another to come) have my name. We had a bit of a chat about it and we're closer to my family and we like my surname and it seemed the best thing to do. I don't meet many people who do this, though it doesn't seem like a big deal to us. Sometimes DP jokingly talks about changing his name to mine so we'd all have the same name, but it doesn't really go with his first name and it would be money and effort. I don't think he really means it.

I meet lots of women who would never have changed their name in marriage but nonetheless give the kids the man's name without a second thought.

There's always loads of women on these threads who say "oh I just preferred DH's name anyway" - but I've yet to meet a bloke who prefers his wife's name so takes it. Same with women who say "I hated my dad anyway" - lots of blokes hate their dads too but they never drop the name. Funny that...

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/06/2014 18:13

We did give the DCs DH's surname, having applied some thought to it. Firstly we ruled out double barrelling because neither of us like them and it would have been a right mouthful. Then we considered which one to go with and went for DH's, as I am likely to be the main carer there is never going to be any doubt that I am their mum. Whereas if they had my surname people may well have assumed that they were not DH's but mine by a different father. Not perfect, and I do wish we had added mine as a middle name (we didn't think of that) but overall we're all happy with our names. The cats have mine!

weebairn · 13/06/2014 18:15

We wanted to call first baby Hisname Myname (his surname is a first name too) but the pesky baby was a girl… Grin

Sure that would have confused everyone though!

weebairn · 13/06/2014 18:16

I don't like double barrelled names either though I can see the logic.

I do have two sets of friends who have "combined" surnames - so Radley and Woodstock became Radstock, etc. Takes some thought though!

SarfEasticated · 13/06/2014 18:18

I didn't change my name, I was 35 when I got married and felt I wanted to the name that had served me so well. I am proud of my family and didn't want to lose the name. Our dd is Firstname Mysurname as middle name then Dadssurname. I didn't want to double-barrel as i thought it would be a bit clunky, but wanted my name in there somewhere.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2014 18:26

A middle name has no legal status as a surname.if you want your surname recognised formally you need it to be surname,not a middle name

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/06/2014 18:29

Yes, I know, it would have been a nod to equality and would still have died out with the next generation but would have taken it one farther than it did.

SarfEasticated · 13/06/2014 18:33

I don't need it to be recognised formally, I know it's in there and so does she - that was enough for me. DH and I retain our own names and I am a Ms if pushed, I mostly prefer people use my first name.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2014 18:35

That's fine,because middle name has no formal status.