to think that maybe, just fucking maybe all of my 15mo "shortfalls" are not all down to my parenting choices?!

[SqutterNutBaush]

I am so sick of being told that any issues I may be having with my DD are because of the way I have parented her!

She doesnt nap during the day unless she's lying on one of us or in the pram.

She's clingy (to the point where she will not eat or sleep unless I am in the room/house in view).

She wakes every 3 hours at night and won't be calmed unless I feed her.

I ask for help but get told its because we're out at what should be nap times, because we use a sling and because she's Breastfed.

People also seem to have a massive issue with the fact she doesn't walk/talk, even though she has been cruising since 7 months.

I ask for advice and get told this is because we didn't have a jumperoo or a baby walker, she doesn't have hard soled shoes or because she wears cloth nappies.

I am so sick of hearing its because of something I'm doing wrong, I need fucking help not a critique of my parenting. I'm stressed about this stuff, I need a break but everyone is happy to sit back and judge whilst I try to stop myself from screaming!!

Everyone and their auntie has an opinion on child raising.

Firstly, get a little insulation around that heart of yours :) Nod and smile, nod and smile, and woosh, let it go around you, not in you.

Do you believe that you're causing her 'problems'? Or is it that you're looking for fresh ideas to help you, beyond the 'first line of defense' type of advice that you've already ruled out / tried. You will get the usual answers from non experts, and even ifthey dont mean it as such, it will sound like criticism to your exhausted and senstive ears.

things like baby wearing etc just won't have an effect on child walking etc, and I think you need to get a bit of power of your own convictions going! The sleep thing to me sounds like the main issue - as it's a killer for you too. Maybe focus on just one thing to improve - and by improve I mean make things better for you, not upset you and do things you don't like...

Secondly, ask for what you need specifically, don't leave it open do people can offer up facile 'you should do x' when what you need is them to take your dd do you can have a nap.

Thirdly, I do wonder if silent reflux can be an issue? Ds had that and it was hideous, the sleeping on me, or upright, and waking up every 45 mins through the night crying... The milk soothed him immediately and yet caused more pain a few minutes after and it was a horrible cycle to be in. It didn't go away after the baby phase either, took until he was at least two. I wish I'd screamed louder for help, but I was so tired that I just got through each minute and couldn't make anyone hear me beyond the 'tired first time mother' needs reassurance crap! Anyway, just a thought...

OK. Reading through again. You are obviously knackered. You have a clingy baby. This is not your "fault" it is who she is

TBH fighting this is going to make you both miserable and maybe make her clingier

I think you mentioned you had a sling? Use it. Babies can be in a sling all day and it will do them no harm. If she is in sling then she is close to you/can nap and you can get on with other things.

At night stick her in bed with you if you can
She will still wake for comfort/milk but because you are right there she won't have time to cry before you put her to the breast. That way you should both get a bit more sleep.

You sound tired and fed up. Your family doesn't sound very helpful: whatever one's parenting approach, one would surely want to help someone who's getting down. My parents, however, would have done the same and shot down my approach - but as a way of not having to put themselves out by helping. It says more about them..

If you're on the school run, presumably you have an older child who can be prised off you to walk, eat, etc...?? So you can't have screwed it up too badly the first time round... I'm sure this is just a phase - you just need to look after yourself during it.

I co-slept, breastfed for years, wore them in a sling... Yes, I had very attached children, but that's no bad thing when they're infants. And now they are a little older, they are independent in thought and action - while still being very cuddly.

And the thing about shoes is a crock of... As someone has said, we didn't evolve wearing them. They affect toe motility. And my gp used to say that cloth nappies were actually better for hip placement. And some children drop the nap very early. Mercifully it wasn't my older child...

I'm sure there are like-minded people on here, but you might also want to look at The Green Parent forum. Perhaps you could locate some people near you with a similar approach who would be more supportive than the ones you have at the moment? Good luck.

Haven't read the whole thread, but if she has no words at all, and particularly if she isn't babbling, consider a hearing test. I ignored my son't speech delay for a while (second child, chatty older sister) - his speech has taken off since his recent grommets as he has hearing loss from glue ear.

Coming to hold a hand and offer a cup of tea. If you were nearby I would even come and offer to hold a screaming baby for 30 mins whilst you got OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!! If your DH comes and has her, you do need to get yourself out to actually have a break - it sounds as though this would do you such a lot of good in yourself.

DS was in cloth nappies - he walked when he was 14.5 months - on day 2 of walking he was running around the kitchen table. Cloth nappies during the day won't restrict her in any way - night time ones with extra boosting did with DS, but he didn't need to walk then so it didn't matter.

He was bf until 23 months - gradually stopping and at 23 months it was only his last feed that had to be dropped (he would have happily continued for some time I'm sure!). When he was little, if I was around, he wanted to be with me - which meant he napped on me and I didn't get to 'put him down' to nap and 'do' things. This changed for him when he was 11 mo - it will also change for you at some stage.

Re napping on school run - is there a chance that you could take DS to the play ground or something on the way home - would this extend her nap or not? We did find that a decent nap in the day made it easier for DS to get off to sleep at night - and to some extent, stay asleep (although he was regularly waking me too for several years).

My aunt didn't speak until she was 4.5 and then spoke in complete sentences.

So... its not your parenting style, its just who your baby is. Don't let anyone say otherwise!

it was helpfully pointed out to me that DD was "probably delayed" because of the nappies and not having a walker/jumperoo

Oh bollocks. I mean, how do the type of nappies delay anything, really?

She's not clingy because she's breastfed, surely she's just clingy because she's clingy?

I think it is a combination of judging because you dared follow your own preferences, and people holding on to the fiction that there is always a simple solution or way to be followed with babies, when actually we all know there are far too many variables to announce cause and effect with any confidence, broadly you get the baby you get and the detail of parenting does not exclusively shape how your kid is, and most of all, the early years are a bloody hard slog with individual problems that don't necessarily have easy or instant or any solutions.

May suggest:

1. Don't ask for general help e.g. with your DD being clingy, ask for very specific things e.g. please take her for an hour, with no commentary that gives people a way in to criticise;

1. Just ignore the walking thing. Nowadays people are completely obsessed with when children should start to walk, to the point of weirdness. I had this with DS, who didn't walk until just shy of 20 months. There is a lot of individual variation. Small babies don't need hard shoes, either. They flex and grip with their feet, so soft shoes are fine;

1. Sing to her as much as you can, it helps with speech development and they love it;

1. Stay away from the critical people, at least for a while. It's untrue, and demoralising;

1. Know that you are doing fine. It doesn't necessarily feel that way, but you are tired and it is incredibly hard work so your feelings are not a reliable guide to how you are doing.

1. Have an evening off and go out once a week. Let DH deal with your DD, perhaps with support, so you can do this. it's very important.

As far as I can see her "talking" is fine, she doesn't have a lot of words but babbles a lot.

She can call DS' name, mumma, daddy, hiya, thank you (at least we think that's what she's saying when we give her food) :o

Well she does talk then! What do people expect? Do they want her to discuss her views on politics? It sounds like her language is developing perfectly.

Is your DH supportive or is he lookgin at your second child and suggesting that you are doing something different/wrong to that with your first?

You sound utterly shattered. Arrange an intervention and go out somewhere even if it's just to sleep in the car for a few hours.

The clinging and crying - a friend had her son diagnosed with silent reflux at 14 months. He's like a different child after 2 months of Gaviscon. She had to be really persistent as because he was a sturdy little thing, the GP refused to believe that he had issues. I don't know if you had heartburn while you were pregnant but I had very badly. A gulp of milk or icecream would instantly soothe it, but it would be back twice as bad 10 mins later.

That sounds spot on for a fifteen month old's speech. Nothing to worry about there!

Her speech is fine!!

It really does sound as if you need a break. You poor thing. And I know that a couple of hours won't do it.

How's this for an idea.....can DS go and stay with your Mum for the weekend, sold to him as an adventure, and you and your DH concentrate on getting the baby to settle at night for say, three nights, without having to worry about him? Being able to do that for a concentrated time might (and I say might) help?

FWIW, my DD2 will stop being breastfed when she starts sleeping later than 5.30am!

When DD can't sleep we put her in her baby swing and let her rock in it until she falls asleep. We've tried putting her back in her bassinet and then she just wakes up. Or she only sleep 2 hours at a time in it. We could keep putting her back in. But I think after a week of stubbornly persisting, sleep deprivation won. We just kept her in her swing. Then one day she just started sleeping in her bassinet again. You can't train babies. You can try but, they don't understand cause and effect like a puppy does so any training is lost on them really. At least with DD it is.

Some days as a parent you just have to look at your baby, see it's still alive and pat yourself on the back.

Your HV is talking tosh. Not walking at 15 months? Well within normal range. My HV wasn't worried when mine still wouldn't let go of a hand at 21 months. It was a confidence thing.
Probably the same for your DD.

Average age of first steps hasn't come down since the advent of the disposable nappy, so they are not walking aids. Similarly, jumperoos, whatever they are, are a commercial products, not the outcome of scientific research. Both of mine were clothies; DS walked four days after his first birthday. Nice cloth bum to bounce off! Stop worrying.

My DS is just 16 months. He's talking/babbling exactly the same as you describe for your DD. Some of his little friends seem to have more defined words but i'm not worried - they all develop so differently.

He walked at 13 months but he started cruising at 7-8months so it took him a while!

I was going to suggest a dummy as someone else has up thread. I stopped breastfeeding at night for my DS at a year. I weaned him off totally about a month ago.

He still woke at night but I gave him a dummy instead and it really helped him settle. He only has it for sleeps/naps. He did start sleeping through probably a month or so after I stopped feeding at night, that could have been related but could be totally coincidental of course! (he's my first).

I think you need a break somewhere where you can't hear her. Leave your DH in charge and go out for a coffee/meal/library to read or cinema if you need some alone time.
Hope you feel better soon.

Ah poor you OP.

Her walking/cruising and talking sound totally fine and normal. And the advice about cloth nappies, hard soled shoes and jumperoos is total tosh. In fact physios discourage use of jumperoos, walkers and hard shoes for babies.

It is possible you could do something about the sleep. But that would involve sleep training which would probably involve crying... and it might not work anyway. I certainly don't think the sleep is your "fault" (and how is it helpful for someone to tell you that anyway?)

She is talking she is saying words even though dd spoke really well at 15 months her sister was saying mum da ta dat (cat) bye at 15 months your daughter sounds the any other 15 month old,

The health visitor has just told my sister that her son is late walking because he was ff and that means he wouldn't have been able to develop normally. He is fine by the way

I should add she was a student one not the normal one.

Just ignore them. Dd1 has always been totally independant but I then had Dd2 who walked at 9 months but wouldn't talk until she was 3. Screamed and cried if ii went upstsirs to the loo and refused to be potty trained. She is a lovely normal 13 yr old now. They all do it in their own time. Just try and enjoy how they are now before they no longer need cuddles. I miss it!

I have three children all brought up wearing old fashioned terry towelling square nappies.

Eldest (boy) walked at ten months, didn't speak until three, then complete sentences straight away.

Middlev(girl) walked at 21 months babbled and talked from 12 months onwards

Youngest (girl) walked at 9 months babbled and talked from 10 months.

All three also used a baby walker from the time they could sit up properly (the wheeked walkers with the cloth seat)

Thet don't half talk a load of bollocks these health visitors.