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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the same amount of money?

124 replies

mightyducks · 10/06/2014 19:36

A couple of years ago my dad decided he wanted to give me and my sister our inheritance early so we could both get on the property ladder and so gave us a deposit each. I got £20k and assumed my sister got he same, however I've since found out that she was given £40k as she said 20k wasn't enough for her deposit as she lives near London (I'm up North). AIBU to expect to have got the same? I feel that as it was an early 'inheritance ' which would obviously be equal, I've been hard done to. Or is it reasonable because house prices are more down South?

OP posts:
Littlefish · 10/06/2014 19:42

My parents have always tried to treat their children fairly, but not necessarily equally. That has always meant taking into consideration circumstances such as house prices in the area, salary etc. We are all completely happy with this arrangement, and unbelievably grateful for any financial help they wish to offer us.

BikeRunSki · 10/06/2014 19:43

I must say I'd expect the same amount. It's your choice to o

Andrewofgg · 10/06/2014 19:43

There is no duty to be fair, equal, or non-discriminatory in giving money away. He can do as he likes. YABU.

WeirdCatLady · 10/06/2014 19:45

YANBU my parents always trot out the "we treat you all equally" tosh but in reality my brother and sister have had thousands handed to them on a plate as they are fucking useless losers. I however, worked hard and studied hard to get a decent job and standard of life and got nothing.
I don't think it's fair.
Deep calming breaths...

BikeRunSki · 10/06/2014 19:46

.... To live in the North of England and herd to live where property is much more expensive. I anticipate bring told why I am wrong though. FWIW I stayed in Yorkshire after graduating 20 years ago, partly because of property prices.

Maybe your father has kept something aside for you when he dies?

whatchutalkinboutwillis · 10/06/2014 19:49

maybe he only gave you half of the inheritance early? so there's another 20k for you when he passes but no more for your sister as she's already had her share?

Goldmandra · 10/06/2014 19:50

My DH has just found out about thousands and thousands being handed to his brother on a plate while very little came his way despite his brother earning a great deal more and having a rather lovely lifestyle.

It's making mourning his recently departed mother into a much harder process.

When it comes to money you do have a right to give it away as you see fit but you need to be up front about it. If you aren't comfortable to tell the child who is getting less that it is happening, you probably shouldn't be doing it. It just causes bad feeling at times when the family needs to pull together.

londonrach · 10/06/2014 19:51

Can see it from both sides. Very hard. Tbh they didn't have to help either. They your parents as hard as it be let it go. You only got one sister and parents. Sorry can't help more than that. X

DizzyKipper · 10/06/2014 19:56

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have expected the same amount of money, I think that would be most people's automatic assumption. But then I also think that 'fair' doesn't always mean 'equal'. His reason for for giving you your inheritance early was specifically so you could get on the property ladder - apparently an equal split would have prevented your sister being able to do that so he chose to split it relative to your needs.

Squidstirfry · 10/06/2014 19:57

I'd feel it was a bit unfair and a bit 'grabby' of your sister, but not a lot you can do really.

You do have the benefits of inexpensive property, and could probably get a lovely 4 bed with a massive garden for the same price as a 2 bed terrace in a rough end of London...

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/06/2014 19:59

It's not reasonable to expect anything. You got a decent deposit towards buying a property. That's all that matters. Parents are not obliged to treat their children equally or with any externally perceived "fairness" whatsoever. You're much luckier than many that your father decided to help you at all.

HesterShaw · 10/06/2014 20:01

You're going to get an awful lots of replies along the lines of "My dad gave me 50p towards my house deposit and I was on my knees with gratitude."

I would expect to be treated the same too, OP. Her choice to live in London, presumably...?

justmyview · 10/06/2014 20:03

YANBU. It's your sis' choice to live near London. Presumably her salary is higher as a result. I think your DF should have given you the same amount

Ragwort · 10/06/2014 20:05

You both got enough to put a depositon a house, I think you need to focus on that rather than the actual monetary value. Don't let bitterness over this sour your relationship with your family.

RabbitSaysWoof · 10/06/2014 20:06

YANBU My dad helped all of us by giving me and my 4 brothers all the same amount of money when we bought our first homes, my brothers are in their mid 40's I am 34 so when they got theirs it covered almost half the value of their houses, when I got mine it covered 1/5 of the value of my house, we all got 3 bed terraced houses in the same area but thats just the way it goes and he was right to not offer me more because we all should be equal to him.

wafflyversatile · 10/06/2014 20:06

Perhaps when he dies you will get an extra £20k?

The point of this early release of equity was to help you onto the property ladder. £20k wasn't going to help your sibling. The reasons were practical not emotional. Maybe he doesn't have £80k to give away until he dies. How's he's done it has helped you both without him paying out more than he can afford?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 10/06/2014 20:06

I may feel a little hard done by but maybe you have another £20k to come, somewhere down the line?

DH has two sisters, both of whom have had a fair bit of financial help from MIL over the years for one reason and another. Whilst MIL has always been generous to DH, he has had far less actual money. However MIL has gone to great lengths to explain to DH (and his sisters, so that everyone knows) that everything is written down on paper & that, when the day comes, each will have their share minus any money already given.

I think you would have to be extremely organised & document things very well for this to work - but MIL is probably the most organised person I have ever met Smile.

HesterShaw · 10/06/2014 20:09

There is no duty to be fair, equal, or non-discriminatory in giving money away. He can do as he likes. YABU.

Correct. But a fair parent treats their children equally. The OP is entitled to feel a bit aggrieved. It doesn't mean she will create a scene about it.

LizzieMint · 10/06/2014 20:09

YANBU to be disappointed but it is his money and he can do what he likes with it. Both myself and my H are the 'hard done by' ones in our respective families, largely because we're careful, competent and self-sufficient so haven't needed 'rescuing' but it's pretty galling that the reward for being careful and cautious with money is to not get given any whereas if we were hopeless with it, we'd get help.
We try and let it wash over us...

wafflyversatile · 10/06/2014 20:13

I probably would feel a twinge in your position, even if his reasoning was sound enough. He could have said 'here is £20k each to help you on your way. It is your choice what you do with it' and if it was enough for you to put down a deposit where you have chosen to live and not where your sibling chooses to live then that could be seen as equally fair and and equally unfair.

HesterShaw · 10/06/2014 20:14

All this "You must be grateful for every single thing from your parents and in laws even if it's crap" attitude on MN gets ridiculous competitive. DH's sister had her credit card paid by her parents while she was at university, while DH had to work his way through. They helped her out with her house deposit, but put nothing his way. They promised us some nice garden furniture as a housewarming, but bought some white metal stuff from Sainsbury's (they bought her a leather sofa). They're loaded and yes it really pisses me off when I give it some thought, which happily I don't often. No it really isn't fair and no, it doesn't mean I am any less of a person for finding it so.

SpottieDottie · 10/06/2014 20:14

I don't think YABU but you both needed a deposit and both got a deposit. Maybe you will be getting some more money later whereas your sister won't? Either way I think you just need to be grateful for the help you have been given and let it go unless you want to damage your relationship with your Dad and your sister.

whatever5 · 10/06/2014 20:17

YANBU. The fact the houses are more expensive in London is irrelevant in my opinion. The fact is that your sister has at least £40,000 equity in her property (which she could get back by selling her property at any time) whereas you have only £20,000. It may be your father's money but it is unfair of him to treat you differently. My parents and grandparents would never have done that.

Sixweekstowait · 10/06/2014 20:18

YANBU - your sister has choices now that you will not. She could move out of London and get a better house - you couldn't move to an equivalent house in London. Also it was very wrong for your father not to be honest with you and for this disparity to be covered up. I would bring it up with your father and say what you feel. He should have thought more about what he was doing.

susiedaisy · 10/06/2014 20:23

Yanbu you didn't ask for the early inheritance your father offered it to you both so IMO he should of given you both a set amount not decide who he thought needed more.

Did you sister know all along that she received double what you did?? It has she only just found out as well?

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