To expect the same amount of money?

[mightyducks]

A couple of years ago my dad decided he wanted to give me and my sister our inheritance early so we could both get on the property ladder and so gave us a deposit each. I got £20k and assumed my sister got he same, however I've since found out that she was given £40k as she said 20k wasn't enough for her deposit as she lives near London (I'm up North). AIBU to expect to have got the same? I feel that as it was an early 'inheritance ' which would obviously be equal, I've been hard done to. Or is it reasonable because house prices are more down South?

amillion, I guess that was a reply to me rather than Gen. Yes you are probably right about DS1 having a much larger mortgage. I understand how you feel about children discussing inheritance, but it usually comes up in discussions regarding legally minimising inheritance tax. DH and I are quite hapoy and prefer to be open about it all.

iamusuallyunreasonable, I think your reply to the OP was unnecessarily unpleasant.

TentedJuno, I am sorry to say that your son sounds like an absolute brat. To be given such a substantial amount of money and to complain to you that his brothers returns are better thus want to take MORE moeny is staggering in its crassness.

You sound lovely, extraordinary that you have a son so categorically not.

QueenofallISee, so sorry DS2 is coming over as a brat, and I can see why it looks like that. In fact he is the sunniest most affectionate creature imaginable 99.9% of the time, but they can both still get locked into sibling rivalry.
It is however very salutary to hear another perception on all this and his attitude, as it is not something we would discuss with our friends, so thanks.

HesterShaw:

"They promised us some nice garden furniture as a housewarming, but bought some white metal stuff from Sainsbury's "

MY parents bought me a green plastic garden table from Argos for my wedding present and my brother bought me the matching chairs.

Yet my brother got given my grandmothers house.
She died leaving it to Dad, and he gave it to my brother

I agree entirely with you that it is hard not to feel aggrieved sometimes if parents treat siblings in ways that are perceived not to be 'fair' (which doesn't always mean equal). Money can get mixed up with love, too. In my case, I was entirely unsurprised as my parents have always loved my brother far more than me.

Re the OP - perhaps your Dad gave you both 10 or 20% deposit of the property value?
I'd be inclined to be glad of the offering as it was generous and he was clearly trying to help.
But I can certainly see why you feel glad of the money but hurt that a sibling seems to have been treated differently.

I agree with HesterShaw that, being treated differently to a sibling and being pissed off about it does not make you less of a person, just honest about how you feel.

When I saw you'd namechecked me there wrt the Sainsbury's furniture, firstchoice I thought you were going to bellow out me that I was entitled and that you would be on your knees with gratutide for some white metal fold down chairs and a rickety table :o

Thank you for seeing my point. Just because someone finds something unfair it doesn't make them an entitled brat. It''s how they deal with the perceived unfairness which counts.

Gosh I think you are being vvvvvvvvvvbu

Surprised so many people think it's unfair

Your parents have gifted you money to enable you to buy a house. The fact there are different consequences that arise from the ownership of those houses is to do with your different choices about where you live. Presumably you don't live in London because, erm, you don't want to?

I've treated my two kids absolutely equally. I was lucky in that in the early 1990s, I was in a position to help them buy their first homes - both got exactly the same amount. They're both now middle aged, with kids of their own. But I still try to keep up the 'equality' stuff, with grandkids. For instance, I often buy my little granddaughters clothes (wonderful cheap pretty stuff from H & M) but as grandsons are of an age where the thought of grandmama buying them clothes would make them go pale with horror, I slip them a few quid instead.

I would never dream of favouring one kid, or grandkid, over another. That way leads to resentment and estrangement.

am i the only one who isnt going to be giving my dc any money towards a house .

I think it is hard for parents to be fair and as long as it's all open and honest I don't think I care. When I got money from my parents to help me with a deposit I only needed 3,000 but a few years later my sis needed nearer 20,000 for similar property as 1.She was buying alone and 2. House prices had gone nuts. My mum and dad asked if I minded the difference and I said no as really we both had the same outcome, ie being v lucky to be on the property ladder at all.

I can see both sides.
Equal amounts of money would be fair in one way.

But I live down south, and my siblings live up north. I was looking for our first property at the same time as one of my siblings (who earns considerably more). We were looking at similar sized, 2-3 bed mid terrace. We talked about it quite a bit as we looked.

One time she said:
"Oh we looked round this glorious property. It was totally amazing, total mansion, but when we thought about it, it was ridiculously out of our price range-it was 120K".
To which I replied: "120K is more than the cheapest property round here!"

I don't think until that point she had quite appreciated the difference in prices. Where she was thinking way out of our price range, we were having to spend more.

If he said to both of you "I will give you a deposit" he may have assumed that it would be obvious to you that she would need more. All very well to say that she can sell at any time and use the money, but she probably won't because she needs a house near where she works just as much as you do.

If he'd given her 20k and it wouldn't cover a deposit, then to look at it another way, in London, I'd be pretty certain that money would have disappeared into the black hole known as rent money in 18 months maximum. Is that what your dad would have wanted?

To your dad, in this case, the fair thing was to give you both a deposit for a house where you are living. Unless you have reason to suppose that if you had lived in the opposite places he wouldn't have done that then you should be able to see his point.

May I ask if that is on principle, artic?

It's not easy to treat dc equally when they make different choices and or are different ages. One of my dc goes to university which costs a shedload, the other has a job and doesn't. Would it be fair to give the one with a job a lump sum equal to what the other has received, perhaps towards a house, or will this invite resentment?

You are right, Frogs, it is not easy. Is there any chance of sussing out their views on this? Sorting it out in advance might avoid resentment if any. (Though I am hardly in a position to give advice )

I think that it's very easy to treat siblings equally when it comes to money. Just give them the same amount without trying to decide "who needs it the most" and interfere with what they spend it on etc etc. Nobody need several thousands of pounds so the question of "need" is irrelevant.

It's easy to say give them the same amount whatever5, but, for example, should you index link the amounts give so the youngest has the same buying power? (Answer yes, probably, but most people don't) My db did this, but even then the youngest lost out as he came under a tougher fees regime at university than the others.

whatever, I agree. What happens if the DS sells and moves beside the OP, will her DF be happy with the equity of his decision then? Give the same amount and let the children make their choices. At the moment the sister has more equity in her house (albeit probably the same % of total value) and is likely to benefit from far higher house price appreciation. The only way to keep things equal is to give the same in most circumstances.

juno, yes I must. Threads like this just make you realise what a minefield it is.

The DCs both have child trust funds, equity funds. After both have matured I'll top up whoever received the lower amount up to match the higher. This would mean we are putting in more from our pockets to one than the other but it would be unfair if the financial outcome differed for one just because one had a better result from the stock market than the other.

Assuming they aren't twins Eddie, will you adjust the values to allow for inflation (ie the younger gets slightly more?) that would be fairest.

frogsinapond - Yes I would adjust values to allow for inflation if you are paying towards cost of living when they are students. I wouldn't be paying for fees anyway so a change in cost for those would be irrelevant to me. For other things I would give them the same amount at the same time so inflation etc would be irrelevant.

YANBU.
SIL got £10k off parents to put towards a deposit for her first house. DH got...zero (because he studied for four years in training to become an accountant and always lands on his feet.....apparently!!). She also got her wedding paid for. We got....zero!
Hate hate hate unfairness.

CPtart.
^SIL got 10k off parents to put towards a deposit for her first house. DH got...zero (because he studied for four years in training to become an accountant and always lands on his feet.....apparently!!). She also got her wedding paid for. We got....zero!
Hate hate hate unfairness^

This is all so alien to me. I've got absolutely no idea whether my parents have ever given my brother money. Even if they have given him 10 it's more than they have ever given me and it really doesn't interest me. What relationship my parents have with my brother does not minimise or inflate the relationship I have with them.

I do know that my husband's brother and his wife has been given a few thousand pounds over the years as they were stuggling financially - mainly because of stupid decsions they's made - whereas my husband and I have received nothing because we've always been self-sufficient. I don't begrudge them a single penny and neither does my husband. We've certainly never totted up what they've had and what we haven't - this thread is the closest I've come to that! We're just glad we have never needed to ask anyone for money - I can't imagine how embarrassing that must be.

I'm just amazed on this thread at the quandaries parents are finding themselves in through generosity! Questions about taking into account inflation to be perceived as being fair - it's just amazing that a gesture along the lines of giving a substantial amount of money has to be analysed in case one of the recipients isn't happy. Seriously if I was tying myself in knots on how NOT to offend someone with a lump of money then the dogs' home would be in for a sizeable donation.

What happened to just saying thank you and accepting that actually you're not entitled to anything? If you are the sibling that sees another sibling receiving more money than you do, what's wrong with thinking well that's nice for them? Why is the automatic stance for some "what about me?"

Sorry I've gone into a bit of a rant - it's just that this really is alien to me.

Wise and thoughtful words, amillion, though I disagree with you about 'entitlement'. When we die, money will be left. It is money to benefit our family consisting of sons and grandchildren. The family are not 'entitled' to it, it will belong to them simply by virtue of being family. Maybe the difference between belonging and entitlement is unclear, I know what I mean in my head though.

My DB was given 100k about 10 years ago towards a flat in London. This is accounted for in my DF's will...when he dies, before the estate is split 50/50, I will get the first 100k plus 5% for every year my DB has the money.

My DB has had the ability to make a lot of money (more than 5% per year), but is going through a hideous divorce, and actually it is his grabby ex who is going to reap most of the benefits of my DF's generosity.

I think my Dad has dealt with it pretty fairly. My DB has had much more money spent on him over the years by my DF - mainly due to ghastly ex's extravagence that my DB failed to control - but I am not getting upset about that. I have a pretty good set up, and I wouldn't be in DBs shoes for anything. If I was in financial difficulty myself, I guess I would see things differently.

Nice post amillion. Though not precisely the same, I've 2 brothers and 1 sister. All 4 of us went to uni. Every single one of them except for me received money from my parents whilst they were at uni (given not loaned). It has not once ever occurred to me that I should have begrudged them that or be annoyed that we weren't being treated "equally". In fact I actually loaned money to all of them myself (never kept track of how much I gave, never kept track of if/how much they paid back). In my family we just help each other out. My siblings needed more help than me so they got it. Why would I get upset about that?