To expect the same amount of money?

[mightyducks]

A couple of years ago my dad decided he wanted to give me and my sister our inheritance early so we could both get on the property ladder and so gave us a deposit each. I got £20k and assumed my sister got he same, however I've since found out that she was given £40k as she said 20k wasn't enough for her deposit as she lives near London (I'm up North). AIBU to expect to have got the same? I feel that as it was an early 'inheritance ' which would obviously be equal, I've been hard done to. Or is it reasonable because house prices are more down South?

Hmmmm...tricky one isn't it?
On one hand, it's your dads money to do with what he wants but the whole issue of inheritance is a prickly one.
If it's not done scrupulously fairly it can cause such bad feeling, anger and heartache.
As the pp said, it can make the grieving process much harder.
Be prepared for lots of posters to come and tell you you are being ungrateful....I don't agree.
I think your sister is grabby and your father unfair.
Hope you can resolve your feelings.

Or has she only just found out?

That would really grind my gears

YANBU to want it be treated the same but maybe he did it percentage wise so equal that way. Long shot I know.

Some parents just don't do equal, many spend far more on the first born and pass everything on to younger children etc.

What does your sister say?

I would feel a littler annoyed as well. I think if it was a small amount more, then it wouldn't be so bad, but double is a lot.

My pil did a similar thing and gave each child what they needed. Not sure who got more though.

One bil has not had his yet as not bought a place. Is that fair? No one seems aggrieved.

YANBU, unless they gave her £20k as a gift, and the other £20k was a loan? (With some legal paperwork and repayment plan?)

As things are, you are NU to think they have blatantly favoured your sister.

I am sure they love you both equally, (and didn't think they were doing anything wrong), but they haven't given you a chance to understand or challenge the logic behind their actions.

Sometimes one family member (eg you) might be expected to make a sacrifice for another family member (eg your sister) if it's a life and death situation, or if she has a very serious problem that requires family members to act together unselfishly. (But higher property prices in London doesn't sound like such a situation to me!)

As it is, (ie they have acted without any group discussion), we can't know their motives and whether or not you would have agreed with them if you knew all the facts behind their decision & long term plans.

It is very hard to be 100% equal, and some inequality is to be expected. But this is clearly SO VERY FAR from equal that I would be upset in your situation. (We are not talking about a couple of quid more. It's £20k more and DOUBLE the amount you got.)

As things stand, you either have to bring up the subject yourself retrospectively, (and appear grabby/jealous), or say nothing and let the issue fester on.

It's difficult for you & I feel that your parents are 100% at fault here, by keeping this inequality quiet, & by not being transparent in their dealings with you both.

Probably best to broach the subject with them soon, and get to the bottom of things? But proceed with caution as it's not worth falling out with them over this. (Family bonds are usually worth a lot more than £20k.)

Good luck!

Thanks for responses.....to try and answer questions, don't think my sister knows, I haven't asked her though so not sure. No mention of my father leaving me anything extra in the will - although he could surprise me but I think if that was the case he would have said so. I haven't raised it with anyone, don't think I will - money is not worth falling out about. Just wanted to get people's opinions really. Just bugging at me.

YANBU. It would be hard not to be resentful when her house in London quadruples in value and she has £500K of equity when she sells and you only have say £50K when you sell.

DH is the eldest and monetary gifts to his younger siblings have soured relationships within the family. How can it not? MIL was planning to buy his youngest sibling (28yrs old) a £100K house and basically stated that in so doing, she could not afford to give any amount to the other 2 siblings (who had not received any monetary gift when they were making their first house purchases in their thirties). Well, not surprisingly, that news went down like a lead balloon and family relations have been on a downward slope ever since. DH & non beneficiary sibling have bonded over the unequal treatment and the overt favouritism is now out in the open - not that it changes anything - only that there is more distance.

YABU. He didn't have to give you anything.

Well I'm a parent who has given early inheritance and openness, discussion and fairness are exactly what I thought my responsibilities were once I'd decided to give the money. It gives me great joy to see them in homes they need now with space for the dgc rather than be struggling now and better off when I finally go. It's a powerful thing to be able to give out money that really affects people's quality of life and it's important not to play games when doing it as doing it wrongly can cause toxic damage to family relationships that should be cherished and nourished

YABU. He didn't have to give you anything.

He could have seen it as an 'equal' 10% deposit on a house.

He might have £20K on one side for you.

YANBU. He should not have said he was giving you both the same.

If you talk to him, would he be really upset? Is it worth spoiling family relationships over?

Yanbu to feel it is unfair.

Your df was not being unreasonable to have done it as I can see why he may have felt your Dsis needed more.

It is a tricky situation but try not to let it interfere with your family relationships.

My own siblings are all treated differently at different times with regards to gifts from our parents.

I try not to 'find out' things as I know that I might not like what I find out. But I know that the reasons for the 'treats' and 'gifts' is because my siblings and I are very blessed to have generous parents who want to help us out as adults and who are in the position to do so. So I try to count my blessings.

You should have got the same amount.

My 5 siblings live everywhere between London and Wales but we all receive the same amount if financial help. Essentially it is our decision to live where we live and we can always move to a cheaper or more expensive area.

YANBU - yes, yes, yes it's his money, he can do what he likes with it etc etc but it is a really thoughtless thing to do especially if he has done it without an explanation.

If I were you OP I might speak to your Dad about it. It's bothering you now and I suspect it will continue to bother you for evermore. If you speak to him he might be able to put your mind at rest or, at least, explain what he has done.

I think being honest I would feel a bit miffed even though I would be really grateful for the lovely start he had given me with such a generous gift.

I would try hard not to dwell on it because too many people in my experience fall out over money issues. From what you have said your Dad had his reasons for the larger amount going to yr sister eg because she lives in London as opposed to you and therefore ppty cost more etc r ather than he overtly favours her all the time ?

My brother lives with my Dad and my Dad often takes him out for dinner, pays bills etc and my brother gets more expensive gifts because he always asks for expensive items whereas I would rather have a surprise ... Being honest sometimes I feel a bit peeved but then my Dad is lovely,means well and has been a great Dad to me and a lovely Grandpa to my son. I know my Dad canafford what he has given to my brother and it is not leaving him short so down to him. At the end of the day it os his money.

Yep it's not very fair.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, although I do kind of understand the logic.
As others have said, it depends on whether there are plans for it all to equal out in the end.
A few years back, my ILs came into some money and gave my SiL £60,000 for a deposit on a house, and kept £60,000 for themselves. DH got nothing because we already had a house, and no kids (SiL had two).
We bought our house a few years before things went mental, so it was considerably cheaper than hers and she was renting before.

ILs insist that when they go, he will get £60,000 more than his sister because she's already had it.
Whether he will or not remains to be seen, but he can't let it get to him or it will spoil the relationship he has with them.
The way he sees it is she needed it more - we seriously could have done with even 10% of it but that was their choice.
TBH, I would rather they hadn't told us as that just leads to resentment, but then, so does keeping secrets I guess.
But my parents wouldn't have been in the position to give us £20, let alone £20,000 so if it was enough for what was needed in your case, then fair enough.

One last point though - presumably it was your sister's choice to live in London? So in the long term you shouldn't miss out because you chose somewhere cheaper.
My SiL now has 5 kids, which we are frequently reminded of (as in "We see more of them because there are five to look after") but that was her choice, and I know that if eventually that becomes a reason for SiL to inherit considerably more, DH will be upset.

My Mums will leaves almost everything to me, money, car, jewellery, house etc. My DB gets a token gesture.

They have an ok relationship, they live 10 minutes walking distance from each other whereas I live abroad. DB is crap at supporting her, helping her and generally is very insular within his own family which is fair enough if that's how he want it.

I have a wonderful relationship with my Mum and it is a given that I will look after her in old age. I was there through her nasty divorce, deaths and cancer. My Mum is a bit of a drama llama so there is always something going on in her life.

Her reasoning is that my DB has no mortgage now, he doesn't need the help. I rent and and often live hand to mouth. Also that I have always been there for her, even at a distance. He lives very near but does not or speak to her from one week to the next.

He has often said in arguments with my Mum that he doesn't want her money but I have no idea how he will react when the time comes.

Sorry Mighty I'm sure this is not how it is in your famiy, rather I just wanted to highlight how parents can favour one child over another.

My dad recently came into an inheritance - quite a large amount - and said he wanted to give some to me and my sister. He only gave us both a small amount, nowhere near the £20k/£40k but I was genuinely surprised he gave my sister the same as me. My sister is in far more need of financial help than I am and to be fair, I would have expected and wanted him to give her a lot more than he gave me. I was happy with my amount but I do wish he had given more money to my sister than he did.

He didn't just give money though did he, he wanted to give a specific "gift" - the chance to be in your own homes. Parents can be funny about seeing dcs with a roof over their head "before they go". If he's given your dsis less she might have had a car, a holiday, money in the bank - but not a home. (Assuming it's right that she needed 40000 to do that!)
Bound to lead to bad feeling in the future. I would try not to make your dad feel bad for an essentially generous and well-meaning action.

He was fair though. It was equality of outcome.

he gave you both an amount that would serve as a deposit in the area you live in.
if he had given you the same amount of money, he would have created inequality because she would have had a deposit and you would have had a deposit plus a substantial amount of cash.

My brother and I bought houses at almost the same time. Both were modern properties so quite similar (there was obviously a certain style at the time), except that his was up north, slightly bigger and cost less than half the price.

My parents have helped us both out over the years, eg when we bought our houses, and when my SIL took a few years off work to go back to university. I understand that my parents have kept track of every amount and, when they die, their estate will be split to reflect this. It will end up being even between us.

I don't really understand how parents can treat children so differently with regard to inheritance. I think it's an awful thing to do as it makes the child who receives less feel less loved and that will always stay with them.
My grandfather gave his children equal amounts in his will even though he knew my father didn't need the money. He left it to my father to vary the Will so that his siblings got the money instead (my father did). I think that is what parents should do and it is certainly what I will do.