To expect the same amount of money?

[mightyducks]

A couple of years ago my dad decided he wanted to give me and my sister our inheritance early so we could both get on the property ladder and so gave us a deposit each. I got £20k and assumed my sister got he same, however I've since found out that she was given £40k as she said 20k wasn't enough for her deposit as she lives near London (I'm up North). AIBU to expect to have got the same? I feel that as it was an early 'inheritance ' which would obviously be equal, I've been hard done to. Or is it reasonable because house prices are more down South?

I don't understand the people saying parents have no obligation to be fair. Eh? I'm not talking about the 'needs not amounts' thing discussed, just where people say 'be grateful you got anything'. Sorry but are there people on here really saying it's fine to be unfair with your kids and expect them to be fine with it?

My parents aren't fair with us and I am not fine with it. Everytime it's another knife in the back. For all those posting fairness doesn't matter - it really, really sucks being the one who always loses out. Makes me feel like they think DB ought to have more in life than me, because he's just 'better'.

OP, have you experienced this kind of unfairness before? Are you sure you can live with it without saying anything without bitterness? Opening your mouth can do more harm than good, agreed, but at least you'll have told him how you feel and, more importantly, you'll give him a chance to reflect and be certain he is happy with it. You might find your sister pressured him into it.

Seriously if I was tying myself in knots on how NOT to offend someone with a lump of money then the dogs' home would be in for a sizeable donation.

Why would anyone need to "tie themselves in knots". If they just divide the money equally nobody could be offended. It's not a difficult concept.

without knowing more detail it's hard to say, but I will to say to those who are saying 'your DSis has chosen to live in London, she must earn more, she can move out' etc - not necessarily. DH and I are tied to London because of our jobs (and to be honest, when we both decided to do our jobs we didn't really think of how untransferable they are), but we don't earn that much, I've only just started paying tax and DH isn't a high earner. Yes, our house is worth more than one in Northumberland, but that's not actually much use to us, at least as long as we are working, which will probably be for another 30 years.

By giving your DSis more money (because of being located in London) they may have ensured you both have a similar standard of living?

""Why would anyone need to "tie themselves in knots". If they just divide the money equally nobody could be offended. It's not a difficult concept."

That's what the OP's DF originally tried to do, his other daughter had an issue with it. So actually yes, even if you do divide it equally it's still possible for some one to think it's unfair. In fact as Juno's post has shown, some one can be given more and still find it unfair.

The issue about expecting fairness of course is because adult children are going to extraordinary lengths to claim unfairness when money has been given. I think op's dad was trying to be fair, that's a different situation from just handing over cash to one child and not another.

Perhaps he didn't have 80k to give at that particular time. 20k wouldn't have acheived what he wanted to acheive for your sister as it had for you, so he chose to be more generous to her at that time.

whatever5

Why would anyone need to "tie themselves in knots". If they just divide the money equally nobody could be offended. It's not a difficult concept

Well you'd think but there have been other posts which shows the children don't always view it like that. sorry to reference you again Juno but your situation stands out because of the numbers involved - Juno's son who has actually received the most now thinks he should get more in the will because his house hasn't got the same amount of equity as his brother. My view is quite simply that children should view gifts from their parents in isolation and not in the context of what others siblings have got. The parents are entitled to give their money away in whatever way they think it will be utilised best.

That's what the OP's DF originally tried to do, his other daughter had an issue with it. So actually yes, even if you do divide it equally it's still possible for some one to think it's unfair. In fact as Juno's post has shown, some one can be given more and still find it unfair.

She didn't have an issue with it being divided more equally. The OP says that her sister doesn't even know that it wasn't divided equally.

Fair enough. Any comment about children who receive more and still find it unfair? If they're not happy with more they're hardly likely to be happy with equal (and less).

Well you'd think but there have been other posts which shows the children don't always view it like that. sorry to reference you again Juno but your situation stands out because of the numbers involved

Juno's son is the only one who thinks it unfair for him to be treated and as other's have said, he needs a reality check.

Parents are of course entitled to give their money out in anyway they see best. Morally they should treat their children equally though.

See what I mean? Threads like this always bring out people whose posts sound ever so superior because this kind of thing has never cropped up in their lives. Good for you for being so terribly high minded. It's like the people who say "Gosh I never expect any presents ever ever ever not even on my 40th or at my wedding or at Christmas because expecting presents is so terribly common and entitled."

sorry to reference you again Juno
That's quite OK amillion and whatever, I am just grateful that you and others are giving thought to our situation and encouraging me to look at it from another angle. I am certainly coming round to the view that DS2 is being U, and I should not feel I am to blame if he feels disgruntled.

hester, I don't think that is what is being said. People are very conscious of the difference between 'equal' and 'fair' and are looking for ways to be fair. No one is saying it is OK to be unfair.

YANBU. Also depends where and what you buy in each region. I hate parents treating their children unequally, it seems to cause so much unhappiness, I wonder why people do it.

OP. Where does your father live? North or South?

Wow, interesting reading. We have two DS, one on the South coast and one in the north east. The will shares everything equally, but we have always said that if we won a few thousand on the lottery, DS2 , on the south would get a house deposit, as would DS 1 in the north. DS2 would be getting 3 x the money, but with the same result!

I can understand it when there is an equal playing ground, to be snarky about disparity, but it IS NOT YOUR MONEY! You are not entitled, this is money we have worked hard for over the years and all most parents want to be fair. Alternative is, go earn it for yourselves..... Sorry, this subject just makes my blood boil. As someone with parents who have never had two brass farthings to rub together, we went for years with no holidays, posh tv, social life, car, to live withing our means. I have worked for 35 years now and we are in the fortunate position of not being rich, but comfortable. We help DS's whenever possible, and they expect nothing. Zilch. Bills to be paid when we pop our clogs. I would hate it if either of my children felt slighted over bloody money!

SORRY rant over. It just boils my piss.

Enjoy your parents now, whether they give you equal amounts of fucking cash or not. It means nothing.

My DP lives in the North, locally to me - I should probably of added that I think it bothers me because I am the one who looks after my Dad. Some one said that is was my choice not to live in London - no - I chose to stay close to my father and make sure he was ok after being widowed - sister moved to London. Therefore I know I am going to be the one to look after him in his old age too.
Thanks for all opinions - I guess it really it a minefield!!

Exactly OP. My brother lives in Africa. I know dad will leave everything equally, but he frequently gives me £100 here and there, and pays for our tickets to visit my brother. But I live 300 yards from him and am his main carer.

You will be the one with the care duties so it does seem very unfair b

The will shares everything equally, but we have always said that if we won a few thousand on the lottery, DS2 , on the south would get a house deposit, as would DS 1 in the north. DS2 would be getting 3 x the money, but with the same result!

I can understand it when there is an equal playing ground, to be snarky about disparity, but it IS NOT YOUR MONEY! You are not entitled, this is money we have worked hard for over the years and all most parents want to be fair.

No it won't be the same result. The one in the South will have more equity than the one in the North. The one in the south may get the same size house as the sibling in the north now but in the future things may change. You can't predict the future so better not to take it upon yourself to decide which adult child needs the money most and just treat them equally (i.e. give them the same amount of money). For example the one in the South may sell and buy a much bigger house in the North than the other child could afford etc etc.

As for not being entitled, I personally would prefer it if my parents didn't give any of us any money rather than give one of us a small amount and the others much larger sums i.e. feeling that my parents love us all equally is more important to me than money.

As for not being entitled, I personally would prefer it if my parents didn't give any of us any money rather than give one of us a small amount and the others much larger sums i.e. feeling that my parents love us all equally is more important to me than money.

Yes, whatever, I want my sons always to feel I love them equally, and don't want this compromised after we are dead by any misguided disparity in bequests.

When we needed help, my parents did what they could for us.
I have no idea what they gave to my siblings, or when, or even if they gave money to my siblings. I suspect they did, but it's of no interest to me. I was very grateful when they helped me out a little (as in gave me some money for the solicitor and also furnished the room I was going to let out to the lodger) when I bought my first home, and it never, ever crossed my mind to check with my siblings to see if they had equal amounts or more or less or nothing when they bought their first homes. All our circumstances were different, and I know my parents would do their best to make sure we were OK if they could.
Am pretty amazed that people think it's unfair for a parent to actually leave their siblings in the same position as them - able to buy their first home with a deposit provided. The sister would still have a lot more to pay off if she was paying London prices.

yanbu

but i wouldn't say anything. try to get past it. i'm sure your dad, if he is generally a kind and fair person, will even things out in the end.

It hasn't crossed my mind to check that my parents have given my siblings equal amounts either BackforGood. That's because I know it wouldn't cross their minds to decide that one of their children was more deserving/needing money than the others. We are all adults and can look after ourselves.

YABU

I have two siblings. Our parents have 'given' one sibling 40k, one sibling 10k and the 3rd sibling has had nothing from our inheritance (I am the 10k sibling). We are a very close loving family and money has been given due to need and at very different times.

As far as I am concerned they could give away all their money to a dogs home. It is not my money and my needs are different to that of my siblings.