to not want to change my name?

[wishingonastar123]

I got married last week but I don't really want to take my DH's name.

I have a child from a previous relationship who has my surname, DH and I have a child together who has a double barrelled name (DH's surname - my surname) and I had planned to also have the double barrelled name as I don't want my DS to have a completely different name to the rest of us. But I don't like the double barrelled name, both names have two syllables so it's a bit of a mouthful and I always have to spell DH's part of it.

My surname is a well known one which I never need to spell, it's just simple.

I thought that once we got married I might change my mind and want to take his name, but I don't.

I've spoke to him about it but he seemed to take the hump a bit, he's very traditional and I think he just assumed that I would take his name.

I don't know anybody who hasn't taken their DH's name but I thought in this day in age it was a bit unnecessary and I'm sure lots of people don't change their name these days?
After all, what is in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

If I didn't have my DS with my name then I probably wouldn't hesitate to take DH's name but his Dad is on his birth certificate and he wouldn't give consent for me to change his name to DH's name, and I think that should be DS's decision to make when he is older.

Plus I'm not particularly keen on DH's family so that doesn't really make help my feelings towards the name.

I know loads of people who have not changed their names on marriage, it's fairly normal these days.

Funnily enough I don't know many men who have changed and adopted their wives names...so it seems that they don't often feel strongly enough about a joint family name to change their names!

You have sound practical reasons not to change yours - your older child's name.

Just don't do it. You are the same woman he married, you are a family. He could consider changing his - but in general men like to 'stamp' their name on their family, probably because of old patriarchal habits, while women like to have a joint family name, make sure that all the kids are included - as you are doing.

I think you and he should both double barrel!

I had a CRB check about 5 years ago as married Ms Ownsurname with no hassle.

I never got round to changing my original bank account to Ms, it still says Miss, so as far as they know I'm still single.

One of the few concessions I make to it is that if I am writing out a cheque for something related to the DCs (Cubs etc) I scribble their surname on the back.

I do get personal mail addressed to Mrs DH surname sometimes, which is annoying but doesn't actually cause any practical difficulties.

I don't think I really discussed it with DH either, I probably mentioned it but as far as I was concerned the default was that neither of us changed name.

I didn't change my name when I got married, and it is only now that I have DC that I tend to get referred to as Mrs Married name, but all my documents are still in my actual name. It's not an all or nothing decision that has to be made.

I use my actual name for professional reasons, and I quite like having the anonymity of my married name outside of work. Out of all of my friends, I only know one who has fully changed her name. Everyone else has kept their actual name for work reasons.

I can totally understand the issue with your DS - you don't want him feeling left out.

My friend is in a similar position with her DD from a previous marriage (actually has her ex H's surname). Her ex never agreed for her to change her surname, but she is known by the new family name anyway. I only found out that she had a different 'official' surname when I signed her passport for her.

Is your DH changing his name to double-barrelled?

Take his name, or keep your own, whichever you prefer. But pick one of those two options.

Don't take his name for some stuff but keep yours professionally - it makes you look like someone who can't get off the fence. Don't double-barrel unless you both do it and you have a melodic combination of names. If only the woman double-barrels, it just looks a weak compromise in which she changed her name but doesn't want to appear to have caved in completely.

I have friends who have taken their DH's names; others who haven't. It's completely up to you. Just pick a side and stay there.

RedToothbrush was it the Nationwide you dealt with?

They tried to tell me that I had to change my bank account name to my married name and were really quite arsey about it. Having gone through this with them, they changed it anyway, and I hit the roof. They changed it back, but with no apology and seemed to think I was making a fuss over nothing.

Strangely enough, yes Beryl, the joint account was Nationwide and they did pretty much say that.

I think brides should choose their new married name and grooms should choose theirs.

OP I'd say you've changed your mind. I think that requires discussion/an explanation, but not DH's permission. If it was a deal breaker, he should have said so before, ie before engagement/conceiving a child.

Its happened twice. Once in Feb and again last month both at T5.

I do think immigration and security staff at airports look for any opportunity to give people a hard time.

When my friends came through Boston immigration they were told that they couldn't come through as a family, as they had separate names so of course they couldn't possibly be married to each other.

I'm sure the fact that they were both women had nothing to do with it at all

wobbly American immigration did similar to me and my family a few years back, probably about 10 years. Only holiday with my mum and step dad. They share a surname, my brother and I. So many questions, I don't think it was that your friends were two women more they just like making everybodies life difficult

The bit that seems missing from this thread - you don't want the double barrelled name because it's long, a mouthful, doesn't sound good together, your DH's name part of it is a pain to have to spell out... yet you gave this name to your DS!

You don't seem to want to keep your name for political reasons, but just because it's not a nice name, yet, you happily saddled your DS with this double barrelled mostrosity on the understanding that you'd be taking that name yourself, now it comes down to it, you don't want to take on an ugly sounding and fussy name, yet expect your boy to go through his life with it! That seems really unfair!

RedToothbrush was it the Nationwide you dealt with?

They tried to tell me that I had to change my bank account name to my married name and were really quite arsey about it. Having gone through this with them, they changed it anyway, and I hit the roof. They changed it back, but with no apology and seemed to think I was making a fuss over nothing.

I've had some major hassle with Nationwide over my title but that^ is just astonishing. My Gast is well and truly flabbered.

I just don't understand why in an age where there is equality of the sexes, a woman should feel forced to take her husband's name, or ask his permission not too. You are not his belonging and it is your choice and yours only. It is one of my great regrets changing my name on marriage, I was very much emotionally pushed into it, but it was not right for me, it was not sensible as I had a professional name, and I would never do it again. I identify and feel as the person with the maiden name, that is me. I would go one step further in another life and give my DC my maiden name too. All I say is traditions = bunkum!

It is just personal choice and up to the individual. I changed mine because I wanted to be a unit with my DH and children and not one with my brothers.
I am just surprised that you didn't discuss this before you got married.

I didn't take my DH name either, it wasn't until we had children that I decided it might be wise to change my passport into my married name, purely for travel reasons so their was no confusion as to who my children's mother was, apart from that everything stayed in my maiden name. Names are a form of identity for us all, who you are (name) is a personal choice. He will get used to it, & besides several years down the line you may decide to change your choice, what's more important is you are who you are, & he married you for that, not to change your surname.

I travelled alone with my son with a different surname- it wasn't a problem.

Keep your own name.

As for all this passport business where officials get aresy when families don't have the same surname what bloody planet are they on?!
It's hardly uncommon for children or adults to have different names.

It seems the CRB (or whatever the new service is called) people have finally taken on board the brouhaha they were causing with insisting that women using 'Ms' must be divorced:

A1 – Applicant Title
All applicants have a title, if they have completed “Mrs” or “Ms” we need to know the other surnames and forenames they have used (even if they no longer use them).

If an applicant chooses to call themselves “Ms” or they did not change their name when they married we need to be advised of this on a separate piece of paper enclosed within the application on return.

Although wouldn't it be simpler to have a box on the application form to clarify this?

I had a CRB check about 5 years ago and I am sure there was no problem with me being called Ms and not having had any other names. I didn't have to send in any extra bits of paper or anything. The returned form doesn't have a title on it.

I actually don't know anyone that hasn't changed their name!

I'm looking forward to being mrs x in the future, though I will still mourn being miss y. I'm 31 and quite attached to my name now. Luckily my signature is so pants it won't have to change :)

With regards to your DS, if you did decide to change his surname you can without the permission of ex. As you would be changing it from one name to another, neither of which are the same as ex, the courts don't see why they should refuse. If DS's surname was the same as ex then it'd be difficult.

No you're not being unreasonable. I wouldn't change my name either.
I have told D.P that any children we have are going in my name. He tried to debate with me but I told him it's not negotiable. I told him he could name any children we have. I also have a D.D who is in my name. x

Agree with MaryWestmacott your DS has the double barrelled name but you've decided you can't be bothered with it? Harsh much? If you've already made this decision in regard to DS, then surely you should both change your name to the double barrelled version as that seems to be the 'family name' you already decided on? Would be different if you didn't already have a kid together but I don't see how you can discount DS' name just because it's a hassle to spell. Is your DH upset because he thought you had discussed and agreed but now you're changing your mind?

DP and I have been married for 18 years and I didn't change my name.

I already have a double barreled surname and I really like my name, I always have. I don't really like DPs name is more comon and boring.
DP doesn't really have any family, he has been NC with his parents since he was 15.
Where as I am very close with my parents and siblings, as is DP (he calls my parents DM and DF etc)
We consider my surname to be our family name and I am really proud of my family.

When we got married I was adamant I would not be changing my name, although I think at the time that had a lot to do with the fact that we were getting married out of necessity rather than really wanting to (I'm not really a fan of the whole marrage thing)

DP has always said he would change his name, but never has.

When we had DS (8 years ago) we decided early on that DS would have my name.

Also I am not a Mrs (I'm a Dr) so it does make the situation easier, more often than not people address us all by my name, so DP is ofern referred to as Mr DP 'my surname'.

Didn't change my name, DH didn't expect me to. As others have said, it's personal and professional identity. Kids have his surname. No issues. Except with stupid registrar of DD1 who, when filling out the form, remarked that it was not legally possible for me not to have taken DH's surname. Put her right. It was fun.

Of my close friends & family who are married:

1 husband took wife's surname (kept his as middle name)

1 took her husband's surname

3 kept their own surname

2 use both names - mainly kept their old surname but use husband's surname if dealing with dc.

1 double-barrelled

1 couple chose a new surname that had connections to both families

I took on DH's surname for personal reasons but am very much in favour of women keeping their own surnames so am glad to see the assumption a woman will take her DH's name is dying out - hopefully over time it will become a neutral and mutual decision couples take together, if they want to share a family name.

I think double barrelling seems to make sense in your case to bring your family's names together, but you could do it without a hyphen and with your name last, so that's technically your surname.

oh yes and while your DH would BU if you hadn't discussed this and agreed at the time you named your DS that you would double barrell his name on the understanding once you were married you'd do the same, the fact is you agreed this then changed your mind.

If the double barrell doesn't 'flow' well, then perhaps you should also consider changing your DS's name, or really think that now you have named him that, it's a bit late to think about if it's a nice name or not now. If it really is a horrible sounding name, how are you going to deal with him wanting to change it when he's older? You'll have no leg to stand on if he decides he doesn't want to be the only one in the family with this clumsy name, and if he decides he wants to just have his Dad's bit, would you be upset?

I would suggest to your DH that you both change your name to the double barrelled one DS has. That means you still will have partly the same name as your older DCs, your DS will have the same name as both his parents, and you aren't the only one making a change. In day to day life, you can just use the bit that is your old name, your DH can just use the bit that's his old name, but for legal matters, passports etc, you'll have the same name. This will probably reduce the chances of your DS rejecting the name altogether.