to not want to change my name?

[wishingonastar123]

I got married last week but I don't really want to take my DH's name.

I have a child from a previous relationship who has my surname, DH and I have a child together who has a double barrelled name (DH's surname - my surname) and I had planned to also have the double barrelled name as I don't want my DS to have a completely different name to the rest of us. But I don't like the double barrelled name, both names have two syllables so it's a bit of a mouthful and I always have to spell DH's part of it.

My surname is a well known one which I never need to spell, it's just simple.

I thought that once we got married I might change my mind and want to take his name, but I don't.

I've spoke to him about it but he seemed to take the hump a bit, he's very traditional and I think he just assumed that I would take his name.

I don't know anybody who hasn't taken their DH's name but I thought in this day in age it was a bit unnecessary and I'm sure lots of people don't change their name these days?
After all, what is in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

If I didn't have my DS with my name then I probably wouldn't hesitate to take DH's name but his Dad is on his birth certificate and he wouldn't give consent for me to change his name to DH's name, and I think that should be DS's decision to make when he is older.

Plus I'm not particularly keen on DH's family so that doesn't really make help my feelings towards the name.

RedToothBrush I've been married nearly 4 years now and haven't found that at all. I've been mistakenly addessed as Mrs Hisname a few times, but that is not the same thing.

In Spain we are not allowed to change the surname. We got 2 one from the dad and one from the mum.

Yanbu if you don't want to take it, don't.

I'm going to take my dp's name when we marry. In the main because I'm not a huge fan of my current surname .

However I'm 25 and don't think I've built up any kind of significant professional identity yet. If I did, or if I were older and had, regardless of whether I liked my current surname or not, I would probably keep it.

I'm surprised that you don't know anyone else who has kept their maiden name.

My reason was that I felt I had given up enough for DH, and I wasn't about to give up my identity too.

But it seems a bit odd that you've both only just discussed this.

I didn't change my name and my husband didn't expect me to. Occasionally I get called by his name - I just correct them. What is this confusion and hassle of which people speak?

I'm surprised that you don't know anyone else who has kept their maiden name.

I don't know anyone who hasn't taken their husbands name either.

My bank seems to cope just fine with me having a joint account in married name with husband, a personal account in my own name and just to confuse things further a joint account with my sister in our own names.
Disclosure ( for work ) coped fine with different names on passport, driving licence and professional certificates and school seems to have easily grasped that if they need to get hold of me at work I am Dr own name although they call me by Mrs married name when I am helping out with activities.
What problems have you had Redtoothbrush because I honestly haven't had any at all. ( once I did use the wrong signature for a card payment in pre chip and pin days, but the store didn't even notice!).

YANBU. I kept my name and never considered changing it. I am often very surprised when women I know change their names. I shouldn't be surprised. It is, after all, the choice that the vast majority of women still make. But it still surprises me.

My husband didn't expect me to change my name but I chose to - I have no great attachment to my maiden name and I actually prefer his name.

I was actually quite pleased as I'd spent 30 odd years telling people how to spell my first and last names (both common but with various different spellings) until I realised how many ways there are to spell his name!

Almost all of my friends did, I didn't, my dd has both double barrelled. It's a completely personal decision (I don't regret it all, stick to your gut feeling op!)

My bank couldn't cope with it, and made me provide a marriage certificate for my own account as I no longer wanted to be a miss. (Legally I do not have to do this - I only need to provide evidence of a name change, not when I want to change it from Miss to Ms). I had to go back before they would do anything further for me. They pulled a face at marriage certificate too as its not British and nearly refused to accept it. (My online account still says Miss despite all this too, which pisses me off no end after going through all the trouble of trying to get my paperwork changed. There is no option to do it online and I can not be bothered to go through all the hassle and chase up their incompetence).

The joint account they couldn't cope with it, when just after I married we needed to do something and we said we were just married as it was relevant to the application. She automatically tried to change my name on the system. We were like what are you doing? When I tried to explain I wasn't changing it, I was told I couldn't do that and ending up getting into something of a discussion about what I am allowed and not allowed to do. (We ended up closing the account at the first opportunity as we'd had other problems with them).

DH frequently gets called Mr Y instead of Mr X and this has caused quite a bit of embarrassment and lengthy explanations.

My maternity notes were wrong as although DH is listed as next of kin and states he is my husband under this, because I didn't say Mrs as my title it automatically put elsewhere that I am single because its computerised. So that had to be corrected as I am worried about the possible implications if something was to go horribly wrong.

My grandmother doesn't get it at all. Neither do DH's parents, who stubbornly write everything as Mrs X. Annoyingly they have even done this for cheque before and refused to reissue it.

When we have travelled (Heathrow) they have made a fuss about our marital status and questioned us about it. Fair enough if there are children involved, but I don't get why when we currently don't. It will be on their immigration data bases that we travel together regularly. Ironically I thought we would have more problems abroad, but its only heathrow that don't like it. It just adds to the long list of reasons to avoid Heathrow!

I am slightly worried about the potential issues its going to cause in the future too. I'm not worried about travelling, as I can see the need. However I am concerned over registering a birth. DH should be able to do it, but as we have a foreign marriage certificate I can foresee problems. I will also probably need to get a CRB (or whatever its called now) check at some point too, and I understand that they also can't cope with married women who keep their maiden name.

TBH one of the reasons I didn't want to change my name was because I thought changing it would be more of a hassle!

On the plus side, its great for dealing with unsolicited telephone calls. As soon as they say "Hello Mrs X" I know its a sales call as they have my husband's name from somewhere. Why they automatically assume I am his wife I'm not quite sure...

I've been Ms [myname] since my teens so didn't have the issue of changing from Miss (although I do occasionally get addressed that way, which makes me feel about 12). We have a joint account with different names with no problems at all. I travel regularly and have never had any problems. Aside from the fact that on one holiday we went on before we were married, booked and paid for entirely by me, everything was put in mr euro's name, but that's what you get if you travel to a sexist backwards country, I guess.

You don't have to do anything. I don't know anyone who has changed their name when they got married.

RedToothBrush you sound like you've been unlucky. I didn't take my husband's name and we also have a foreign marriage certificate. I've had none of the problems you describe. DH registered three births with no problems and I also had no problems getting a CRB check done. We fly through Heathrow regularly and that's not been a problem either.

DH does occasionally get called Mr W rather than Mr Z but it's not particularly embarrassing nor does it require lengthy explanations - he just says 'Oh I'm Mr Z not Mr W'.

Wow RedToothBrush - I haven't had any of those problems. We have a foreign marriage certificate and I didn't take my husband's name.

Why bother changing from Miss to Ms? I stayed exactly as I was i.e Miss Floisme and I've never had any problem.

I only thought to change from Miss to Ms do it as I was in the bank at the time for something else and it came up in conversation. So I said yeah ok, not realising the can of worms it would open up.

I still have other things for Miss.

All that said, I am glad I didn't change my name. Its my name and I like my name (and its easier to spell than DH's).

Its taught DH a thing or two along the way as well. He initially didn't like the idea and thought it was a little bit of a personal insult to him, but he can now understands my point of view completely and he's been somewhat surprised by how backwards some people are about it. He sees how some trivial everyday things are actually quite sexist. I think it was a bit of an eye opener to him.

I think the main thing was making it clear that it wasn't about him or insulting his status, but about how I felt about myself and my sense of worth and that the traditional English system was not used universally.

RedToothBrush that certainly is a lot of unnecessary hassle. I can see why you got annoyed by it. My bank just looked at my marriage certificate and opened up a new account in married name for us jointly but were fine with me keeping old accounts in my own name. I just told them that's what I was doing and they never raised an eyebrow.

I haven't experienced the travel hassle before I changed names when renewing passport ( that is currently in married name). Do you have foreign passports? Could that be why? Not saying it's right!

The maternity notes would be irritating to have your marital status default to single but they should be able to manually correct and if your husband is down as next of kin anyway it shouldn't make any practical difference, although annoying.

Hopefully you will be fine with CRB check, it is now called Disclosure ( in Scotland, anyway, not sure about elsewhere) and I had no problems getting it in my own name although my passport and marriage cert were in other name. I just had to put down I was ' also known as X ' and you probably won't even have to do that if you never changed at all.
I had to get a separate one for helping at school activities and I did have to write to ensure they kept me on system as Dr own name ( school generally call me Mrs married name although they are aware of other name) or my professional Disclosure would have changed names too. A one off letter sorted that though. I am at a kind of half way house with names and use both depending on whether personal/work or family related.

Sorry you have had to put up with all that. I think you might have been quite unlucky though.

Nope British passports. Both born in the UK.

Its bizarre.

Wow RedToothBrush you've been very unlucky! I have a different name to DH and we've never had any issues - foreign marriage cert, fly through Heathrow a lot, he registered DD's birth... And DD has my surname (and DH's surname as her middle name). My biggest hassle as a pp said is that occasionally I have to correct Mrs to Ms when people make assumptions about my title.

OP I think not changing your surname is fairly normal (although it does depend on the circles you move in I guess) and for me it was the only option. I feel quite strongly that part of my sense of identify is represented by my name, which is the name I achieved lots of things under before DH and it's quite a unique name.

DH never expected me to change it though, so we didn't really discuss it. Well, we did briefly discuss it when I asked him whether he was planning on changing his name when we got married. He said no. I said I wasn't either.

RedToothbrush

Why did your marital status come up at Heathrow? I didn't change my name so when travelling with my husband from Heathrow, we got through without any questions regarding that sort of thing.

I've been married 14 years with my own surname, only hassle has been a couple of cheques made out to married surname.

Well, we did briefly discuss it when I asked him whether he was planning on changing his name when we got married. He said no. I said I wasn't either

That's pretty much the conversation we had too :-)

I have no idea WHATSOEVER Happy.

Its happened twice. Once in Feb and again last month both at T5.

We thought it must be a new thing or a random thing. I'm surprised no one else has had similar now.

I'd love to know the reason why they have done it on both the last two times we've gone through.

In 3 years never had any trouble with keeping my own name - apart from occasionally getting introduced as Mrs Husband's Surname which I just shrug off. Get cards and letters addressed to us both and he sometimes gets called Mr Jimmy. No official bother at all though.