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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to change my name?

102 replies

wishingonastar123 · 09/06/2014 09:17

I got married last week but I don't really want to take my DH's name.

I have a child from a previous relationship who has my surname, DH and I have a child together who has a double barrelled name (DH's surname - my surname) and I had planned to also have the double barrelled name as I don't want my DS to have a completely different name to the rest of us. But I don't like the double barrelled name, both names have two syllables so it's a bit of a mouthful and I always have to spell DH's part of it.

My surname is a well known one which I never need to spell, it's just simple.

I thought that once we got married I might change my mind and want to take his name, but I don't.

I've spoke to him about it but he seemed to take the hump a bit, he's very traditional and I think he just assumed that I would take his name.

I don't know anybody who hasn't taken their DH's name but I thought in this day in age it was a bit unnecessary and I'm sure lots of people don't change their name these days?
After all, what is in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

If I didn't have my DS with my name then I probably wouldn't hesitate to take DH's name but his Dad is on his birth certificate and he wouldn't give consent for me to change his name to DH's name, and I think that should be DS's decision to make when he is older.

Plus I'm not particularly keen on DH's family so that doesn't really make help my feelings towards the name.

OP posts:

familygermsareok · 09/06/2014 11:01

X posted. Love the idea of starting a brand new family name, what would you go for?

Bue · 09/06/2014 11:06

I didn't take my husband's name. So you know lots of people online who haven't In Canada where I am from it is totally normal for women to keep their names (and has been for at least a generation now). I find it utterly bizarre that people get so het up about it over here. OP, if you don't stick to your guns then it will make it that much harder for other women to stick to theirs. I like the idea of choosing a new name if that feels comfortable to you, although I wonder how your children would feel about that. I am not convinced by the idea of changing children's identities without their say so.

NotEnoughTime · 09/06/2014 11:18

No you are not being unreasonable at all to want to keep your OWN name!

Poledra · 09/06/2014 11:20

Familygerms, it's section 8 of the passport form - the guidance notes actually say that this is where you should include any professional names you wish to have displayed in your passport.

Ioethe · 09/06/2014 11:26

It's your name, call yourself whatever you want!

Mckayz · 09/06/2014 11:27

I love my DH's surname so I wasn't bothered by changing it. But I absolutely love the idea of picking your own name for everyone.

eurochick · 09/06/2014 11:48

Don't change it if you don't want to. I didn't. I never even contemplated it. I'm the only one of my friends not to change at all, but a number have done the personal/professional different names thing.

I had practical reasons (I have published in this name and am in reported cases (lawyer) under this name) and also personal ones (I think it's patriarchal BS and both I and my dad are only children, so I am the last of my line with this name). Also, my SIL has the same first name as me and did namechange, so if I did too, we would have identical names.

I'm pg at the moment, and we intend for the child to have both names, double-barrelled. Mr euro had no issue at all about me keeping my name and wasn't at all surprised, but I think he would prefer the baby to just have his (he hasn't said anything directly but has grumbled a couple of times about it being cumbersome, which it is - both names have two syllables - but that doesn't bother me that much. The child will just have to get good at spelling!)

familygermsareok · 09/06/2014 11:49

Poledra thanks. I hadn't noticed that before, will certainly do that at next renewal.

squoosh · 09/06/2014 12:16

Keep your name.

He'll get over it. Who knows, he might even come to see that it's an outdated tradition.

wobblyweebles · 09/06/2014 12:27

Another who didn't name change and finds it a bit depressing that women are still expected to.

erin99 · 09/06/2014 12:28

Keep your name, and revisit the question when DS is older.

Making a new name is a lovely idea, but if he's already got the hump I can't see him agreeing.

Jewels234 · 09/06/2014 12:52

YANBU. This makes me so cross. It's your identity. It shouldn't be any less important than his. If he wants to share a surname then he can take yours. In this day and age there is nothing unusual about keeping your name at all.

yellowdinosauragain · 09/06/2014 12:52

Well I changed my name. I am in a professional job with publications etc in my previous name but this isn't an issue for me as they're all on my cv. For me it was more important that as a family we had the same name and I actually preferred dh's to mine.

Personally I totally get all the reasons why people want to keep their name on marriage and never presume when people get married that they'll change names -I always ask.

I do however get pissed off on threads like this when they are filled with comments like 'i find it depressing that women choose to change their name' I have as much right to choose to change my name as you do to keep it.

Surely the point is that this should be a choice to be made by the 2 adults involved as to what happens on marriage and naming children? With no one being compelled to change their name if they don't want to. Not some kind of 'you've let the feminist side down by changing your name' bollocks.

Jewels234 · 09/06/2014 12:53

Also, it's not like it's a 'now or never' situation. You can change it whenever you want, and if and when you feel comfortable doing so.

RedToothBrush · 09/06/2014 12:53

BananaBumps Mon 09-Jun-14 09:37:30
Didn't change my name, am more surprised that people do. Doesn't cause any problems.

Oh but it does!!! The confusion and the hassle I've had with banks and various official places who can't cope with the fact that I'm married but don't have my DH's name. They and their computers systems seem to melt down!

squoosh · 09/06/2014 12:56

'Surely the point is that this should be a choice to be made by the 2 adults involved as to what happens on marriage'

Disagree completely. The only person whose opinion counts is the person who is is making a decision as to whether to change their name or not.

Obviously naming children is a joint decision though.

morningsarepants · 09/06/2014 12:58

I didn't. DH would have been shocked if I had done!

yellowdinosauragain · 09/06/2014 13:01

You misquoted me squoosh. What I actually said was :

Surely the point is that this should be a choice to be made by the 2 adults involved as to what happens on marriage and naming children? With no one being compelled to change their name if they don't want to.

squoosh · 09/06/2014 13:03

I still disagree. Why should the decision as to whether a woman changes her name or not be a 'choice made by the 2 adults'?

It's up to the woman to decide. Alone.

sandberry · 09/06/2014 13:08

I didn't change my name and I am mystified as to why anyone would. DH really didn't want me to either. His mother didn't and he has his mother's surname so we have a precedent for any future children.

Hopefully the tradition of changing name on marriage will die out in future generations. My own mother however really can't accept I have my original name, she still addresses mail to me with DH's name.

caruthers · 09/06/2014 13:09

yellowdinosauragain The huge majority of married women still take their husbands name after marriage these discussions are of little consequence in reality.

yellowdinosauragain · 09/06/2014 13:11

I agree it's ultimately the woman's choice as to whether she changes her name or not. But given that, rightly or wrongly, in this country many women do take their husband's name, it's unreasonable for either party to presume they know what is going to happen and I think therefore it warrants discussion.

It might be really very important to the man to have a unified family name. Now I still don't think that should mean that it is the woman who has to change hers if it's important not to. But clearly this then would involve a discussion between them both as to how they can both have their wishes met. Hence it being a choice agreed between both of them.

Trojanhouse · 09/06/2014 13:16

I didn't change my name because I happen to like my surname.
The only time I use my married name is when it is to do with the children:
school , doctors etc.

squoosh · 09/06/2014 13:18

A discussion is fine, but the choice should be made by the woman alone.

PoirotsMoustache · 09/06/2014 13:54

Why don't you have your husbands surname as a middle name for you and your DS? So if you're Sarah Leanne Smith and your husband is Michael Jones, you could be Sarah Leanne Jones Smith and your DS would be DS Jones Smith, without the hyphen that would make it double-barrelled. Then you could choose to use it, or not.

I'm getting married soon and I will be taking my husband's name. My DS doesn't want to completely change his surname, so he's doing the above.

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