To Offer My Ex-Neighbours A Cash Bonus To Move Back In? Failing That WIBU To Murder My New Neighbours?

[MamaPain]

My neighbours of seven years moved abroad a few months ago and are now renting out the house. Our two families had grown close and they were great neighbours. Similar to us in that they were relaxed, not arsey and had similar pattern of life.

They have since been replaced by a new family. New family is awful. If the mother one more time talks to me all sour-faced about her 'young children' and how allowances must be made for the 'young children' I will end up doing time. She seems to be under the impression that I just fired fully formed teens out of mine.

I've had her round here an hour ago complaining about the noise. Totally unreasonable. In the space of almost three months she has made over 20 complaints to me.

I've spoken to my old neighbours and am begging them to come back. Thing is I'm a woman of a short temper, I am really really trying but when does it become reasonable to tell her to fuck off?

What sort of noise is she complaining about? I have teenagers, and I know they can be bloody noisy and I know that it's easy for that to just become normal, IYSWIM. Are you absolutely sure she doesn't have any sort of a point?

Her big complaint is that she could hear me vacuuming. We have detached houses and it was hardly late.

2 of her DC are older than my youngest DC but apparently her young children are in bed and its unacceptable.

As a test I went into the garden, you can barely hear it. Literally a light hum.

She is unbearable and wrong and I want to batter her with my Dyson.

Does she work? She sounds like she doen't have anything to occupy her mind if she's getting upset about something like that.

OK, she's barking then. I think a Dyson would be quite an effective weapon.

20 times? I'd have told her after 3rd time to not come around again and suggest she rents a house without immediate neighbours.

Every time she complains, get one of your children to play a kazoo or something. She'll long for the days of the Dyson.

Yup, it's not you it's her...

No she doesn't work which seems to have become another bone of contention. I work from home the majority of the time, which she doesn't seem to see as a real job and thinks I have time on my hands.

During half term we had an issue with footballs landing in our garden. I have boys so I'm familiar with the problem but hers seem to be really shit at football in that it was a constant thing. She seemed to think that her kids could just pop into the garden themselves at retrieve. I also have dogs who have free run of the garden during the day and so this can't happen because I'm not about to get the blame for a dog/child incident and its my property I'm not giving permission for it to be trampled whenever they want. Her second solution was that if I could please check every hour for balls and return them so it didn't upset her 'young children'. I have a job I'm not traipsing round the garden every hour looking for balls, so she took the initiative to bang on the door every hour to get the balls.

Constantly been things like this, I've had her hammering on the door because she 'can see me' when I'm on a work call and its not convenient to just hang up.

Blimey complaining about normal household noise froma detached house? She is nuts and far too precious.

Can you be scary and intimidating op?

Next time you see her approaching back comb your hair, rub some butter on your face and scream a few fucks, twats and badgerwanks at her and she will never bother you again.

Hang on, so her family is being a nuisance to YOU, and yet she comes round to complain all the time? She is bonkers. Does she have a partner who might be slightly less bonkers more amenable to discussion?

Complain to her every single time a ball lands in your garden. Point out that it's upsetting your Young Dogs.

I think she requires a stern talking to. Just tell her how it is.. You've lived there for years with no previous complaints, you have too much going on to be thinking about her footballs and your dogs are more important to you than she is and tough fucking luck if she can hear your Hoover at 9pm

Failing that's beat her to a pulp with your vacuum cleaner and deny all knowledge.

Wow. How loud is your Hoover Op
Some people are never happy unless they are complaining,
tell her to ring the police if the Hoover bothers her again. I can just imagine the conversation
"Excuse me officer but my neighbours hoover is too loud?
"Can you hear it through the walls Madame?"
"Yes I can"
"Are the walls between you thin Madame?"
"No its detached"
"You do know you can be arrested for wasting police time Madame"

You need to put a spy hole in your front door and stop answering it to her. If you leave the footballs for a few days they will stop flying over. As for the hoovering, start doing it at 7am, that will make her happy

My immediate neighbours are lovely but the people living opposite are utter cunts.

Christ don't get me started on the husband. Her husband works in property don't ya know, very successful don't' ya know, incredibly respected in his field don't ya know. The only thing I did know about him without her telling me is that he is incredibly fucking rude. Also for someone who is apparently so successful in property, I'm confused at to why they're still renting but anyway I'm not in that field and what do I know.

He also feels the need to BBQ at every opportunity. Really that should say it all. The DH actually barked at my DS "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THIS PROPERTY?" when he popped a letter in to them the other week. Bearing in ind he knows that he lives next door and isn't some random.

The reason I'm axing about this on mn, other than I do love a good bitching fest, is that I have a tendency to be a little OTT. Intimidating and scary apparently come naturally, no butter required and I have been very polite to this women because she is my new neighbour and I want to get on, but I am really reaching my limit and I want to know at what point more normal sweetly mannered people would do?

let your dog chew the footballs. Our longsuffering neighbours got fed up with DS then 7/8 's appalling aim and let their dog get the odd ball. DS soon learnt to be more careful

You can at least ask your former neighbours NOT to renew their contract.

Don't murder them, you've posted it on here - you'll be the prime suspect now.

Plan A

Every time you talk to her, hum under your breath. Do this every time you are within hearing distance. Encourage others to do likewise.
Deny you are doing anything, if questioned.

Eventually she will become accustomed to the sound of light hum and stop being such a princess about it.

Plan B

Do as much loud DIY as you possibly can, preferably in the garden. Do it within the noise pollution allowances so it is legal. Make as much noise as possible. I suggest pneumatic drilling, lawn mowing, strimmer, trimmer, hammering.
Do this with windows open, or even better, in the garden.

Continue for 6 months. Every day.

For a less realistic, but easier approach, tape a day of it and then play it on repeat. A kind of construction version of whale music.

After 6 months stop.

She will be gagging for the bliss of a Dysons soft hum.

Plan C

Tell her to stop being such a wankbadger and point out that unless she wishes to live on her own in a hut, she will have to cope with the noise of other things.

Then find as many brochures on manor estates, huts, private islands and shacks in the woods and post them through her door.

Did I mention that the DIY should be in the garden?

Well...she sounds bonkers. Keep track off all her crazy issues and ask your ex neighbours to rent to a non bonkers family. If it keeps up she's flying close to harassment....

Is this for real?

If it is, refuse to answer the door to her, if she can see you, stick the V's up!

Any balls that get chucked back over to her side, make sure they are popped first.

I wouldnt have the patience for her

Liking the thought process Objection, although 'Woman Killed In Dyson Attack' may be coming to a headline near you.

The reason I've answered the door to her is because like I said she can see when we're in and so will hammer on the door. She even comes back later if she doesn't get a response.

I'm dreading what she will be doing once the World Cup starts, my DH has been in training for two years on how to hold the perfect football related party. Then when we go away in July and DC will inevitably have a parent free party. If she starts complaining on the day I return from holiday, the assault may end up being with a travel hairdryer.

I thin I have been watching too much of Orange Is The New Black.

Hygeine I agree. I have done that- popped balls very subtly, the day we found 8 in our garden, not a big hole just a small one. DCs next door are to blame. I never answer the door to them.

I would do like to do something similar to the bloody trampoline that they and all their friends bounce up and down on shrieking from 8.30 am at weekends.

However, DH is calmer than me and stops me over-reacting by reminding me we are having a baby and when our children are out there they will be noisy.

We actually get on really well with the family - and I have to remember that and not over- react.