To Offer My Ex-Neighbours A Cash Bonus To Move Back In? Failing That WIBU To Murder My New Neighbours?

[MamaPain]

My neighbours of seven years moved abroad a few months ago and are now renting out the house. Our two families had grown close and they were great neighbours. Similar to us in that they were relaxed, not arsey and had similar pattern of life.

They have since been replaced by a new family. New family is awful. If the mother one more time talks to me all sour-faced about her 'young children' and how allowances must be made for the 'young children' I will end up doing time. She seems to be under the impression that I just fired fully formed teens out of mine.

I've had her round here an hour ago complaining about the noise. Totally unreasonable. In the space of almost three months she has made over 20 complaints to me.

I've spoken to my old neighbours and am begging them to come back. Thing is I'm a woman of a short temper, I am really really trying but when does it become reasonable to tell her to fuck off?

I think you need to get loud and the quieter. DIY can't one of your teenagers build something in the garden? (would go round to nice neighbour first with some chocolates!!)/

If she comes round asking for the balls, tell her that you'll be putting them in a box, and that she can call for them once per week at a time of your convenience, not hers.

If she tries calling it theft, I believe theft is intentionally permanently depriving someone of their property. You are not depriving them of their balls, just telling them they can be collected when convenient to you

I really do need to sort the ball situation out before the summer holidays.

Dh and I have just spent the past hour or so talking and he reminded me of two of one of the other truly mental things she did.

Shortly after they moved in, we were having a family dinner and the family was unsurprisingly arriving. She came round and complained that we hadn't told them we were having a party and she needed to know what was going on after all she has young children to consider. I was confused as we weren't having a party and she started sounding off about how she really couldn't tolerate loud music and parking disruption and blah fucking blah. When I explained there was no party, she said "but you have had sixteen people turn up at your house today you are clearly having a party"

At this point I explained it wasn't a party it was part of my family. I'm one of eight and 16 people, including the DC wasn't even half of my immediate family. Her response was "well it's just not convenient" and stormed off.

Oh dear ... neighbours! Some friends of mine have horrible neighbours who wait for lovely days to have their bonfires. By the ghastly stink, they're burning old tyres, vinyl floor covering, and anything really really stinky. Everyone around runs inside to get away from the vile smell.

Their next door neighbours once dared to complain to the bonfire neighbours ... and guess what, their beloved cat 'disappeared' that day and has never been seen since. Funny that - cat had never left their back garden before ...

I'm sure OP's dogs are far too well behaved to chew up the next door neighbours' footballs ... but I'm told that a few puncture holes from a screwdriver or, better still, a bradle, will be a good simulacrum of a dog's teeth
www.ebay.co.uk/sch/i.html?_kw=bradle+tool

Dogs wouldn't chew the balls and I don't want to start puncturing them as like I said, I have boys and we sometimes send a ball over their fence. My main problem is that hers do it all the time, as in one day I threw back 11 balls (included 4 tennis balls, 2 rugby balls and some weird spongy balls) how many times can one woman type balls which is too much surely?

How does she know that you're in? Can you pull blinds down or work at the back of the house or something so that she can't see you?

We have a sort of side door that we leave open for the dogs when we're indoors and in her garden she can see my office upstairs. I'm not going to sit in darkness because of her.

I think she's a real curtain twitcher.

I think I will have to raise a few issues with her.

I would say "I'm working. Do not knock again, when I finish working I will come to yours."

Then tell her this is the last time you will be returning any balls that week. Use the scary voice you say you have.

Tell her she is not allowed to trespass, your pets are on your property, and that you will contact the Police if she endangers her own children by allowing them to enter your garden while your dogs are in it.

If shes a curtain twitcher you could have some real fun (and come back to tell us about it). E.g dig a big hole in garden at midnight and bury something, put ketchup on a joke knife and fake a murder. A few silly pranks and she might get the message

I'd tell her to fuck off. Short and sweet.

Nothing useful to add except no matter how tempting it might be, don't lose your temper.

She sounds irredeemably ghastly but you don't want to risk losing a centimetre of the moral high ground.

Never speak to her ever again after you have ripped her a new one. Attention seeker she is, don't give her any.

SoleSouurce good idea. You don't have to answer the door to her. She sounds barking enough to call the police if you ignore the knocking and good luck to her with that.

OP Just tell her to shut hell up, close the door and then ignore her.

With regards to the get-together maybe she was miffed at not being invited?

She's barking for sure.

As for the balls - when I was little, me and a bunch of other neighbourhood kids used to play ball games in a cul-de-sac, and would often lose the ball into a garden belonging to a little old Chinese lady who had little English. She would always shout at us when we knocked on the door to get it back, so being obnoxious little buggers kids we started doing it on purpose. Then one day she answered her door, ball in hand with a crazed but satisfied look on her face. She whipped out a foot long carving knife from behind her back and plunged it into the ball while yelling at us in Chinese. Scared the living daylights out of us, we never did it again...

"I am working. Go away."

Repeat.

Repeat louder.

She sounds like a loon. Learn Chinese and get a massive knife.....

Chinese and knife work is definitely the way forward. I'm going to have to let all the balls gather in the garden over next weekend and use that as an opportunity to go and have a little chat with her.

I've been working out all the things she's complained about. I can't remember some of them so will have to check with DH who's been tracking it all but so far I have:

-Balls
-The position of our bin bags on rubbish day, on OUR driveway
-The four tiny (as in smaller than a can of coke) lights on our driveway
-People waiting for us in the street/end of the driveway
-Water from our cars being washed making it dangerous for her DC
-Our pets weeing in OUR garden/up the garden fence
-Me smoking in the garden ( I do this maybe once or twice a week)
-Letting our cats in at 9pm
-The so called party
-Us having too many 'non-residents' in the garden/on our property
-Having people in the garden at 7:00pm on a Saturday night and apparently staying in the garden until 9:00pm is unacceptable
-Having a bouncy castle and slip'n'slide in OUR garden
-Having an outside light
-Having a light on indoors at 1:00am
-Laughter and 'screeching' come from the house after midnight
-Vacuuming at 7:30pm
-TV noise after 9pm

She has made a comment nearly every time we have people round, so most Sundays she will complain about something and drop in that we have been too noisy/messy/busy over the weekend. If we ever socialise in the week at home, including having kids back for tea she has some little comment to drop in.

It sounds like you are being harassed.

Send the ex neighbour a bridge now! Seriously though, how have you not lost your cool with her?

Bridge?!? *bribe

Just have a real party. You know the ones that start at 8pm and end at dawn with everyone in the garden smoking pot. That'll learn her.

Its difficult because she always phrases it in a way that comes across as concern for her children and for the most part that has made it hard for me to feel justified in getting annoyed.

Tonight has done it for me and I am going to have to say something.

Although unluckily for her our summer parties are the kind Chipped has described, so roll on the 6 weeks and 42 days of garden warfare.

What a pain in the proverbial! What's wrong with her? Have you talked to her DH yet or is all that stuff you've heard about him through her mouth? The only one on that list I could kind of see her point about is the loud laughing and screeching after midnight - everything else is so petty and none of her business. Sounds like a control freak. Why don't you just do it back to her? Go and complain about every little thing they do in their own home. Definitely tell her she'll be getting the balls back once a week. Could you get some sort of restraining order to force them to stay off your property if it continues?

The "reasonable" approach:-

Next time she knocks give her a card from a therapist and tell her to get help.

The time after that tell her that in order for her to learn about boundaries balls will be returned on Sundays between 7 & 8 pm only.

If the kids come into your garden then give her the details of the local parenting class, and remind her that you've talked about boundaries before & that all balls will be returned at the agreed weekly time.

Hang a prominent notice on your front door knob to say that you do not wish to be disturbed alone the same lines as I've seen some Mums of newborns do in the middle of the day. (hang one on the back door too if she's cheeky enough to try and harrass you via that route!).

If she knocks on the door when family visit, mention that it's your neighbour with ishoos and ask everyone to be careful as she's a little unstable right now in the sort of voice that can be overheard before answering the door with a raised eyebrow and headtilt.

Do suggest that she does some voluntary work or gets a part time job in order to help herself.

Kill her with really patronising but firm kindness. No negotiation is gonna work with this fruit loop so be firm, set your line in the sand and don't cross it.

OR

Just tell her to FO next time she knocks when you are at work and give her a good tongue lashing. DS threw a bucket of water out the bathroom window over the heads of some kids that woke him up at 10.30 pm after weeks of the same a couple of years back.

Either way you need it resolved before you go away or I predict real trouble for your teens.