To not want to go to wedding without ds

[BettyBoo246]

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

I think that people are saying OP is unreasonable because she seems perfectly happy for her MIL to have her baby when she wants to go off out but she is just using her as an excuse when it is something she doesn't want to do.

Just don't go. Let your DH go and you can stay home with the baby.

Because a party is about the guests as much as the host.

But what's wrong with only inviting children at night- a lot of parents would be grateful of a children free afternoon including a meal.

I understand it's not everyone's ideal situation but you can't please everyone.

You'll spoil a wedding, cause a rift between these people and your husband, and everyone will remember you as being the psycho who spoiled the wedding.

Since you clearly won't change your mind, enjoy. People have long memories and you won't be viewed as some crusader of child human rights, just that sad nutty lady who ruined it for poor B&G.

I personally wouldn't want this image, but you sound like a total drama queen.

I agree entirely with expat. I am totally at why we are all supposed to get so in to other people's choices and inconvenience ourselves greatly for them

What a strange view. It isn't some random party it is their wedding

If someone had certain religious beliefs or had made the 'choice' to be vegetarian etc would you say the same then.

Op i kind of get why you are reluctant for MIL to have DS for so long.

DF used to look after DS while i worked. I used to hate asking him to have him so i could go out as i didn't want to put on him more and i felt like i was taking the piss. Therefore i didn't have a social life for the 18months DF had DS for me.

This is a one off. I don't think YABU to ask MIL just for a one off.

If you really feel uncomfortable then like others have said, pick DS up for the night do and take him home early.
YABU to expect DH to leave the wedding early though to take DS home. He is best man so he has to be there til the bitter end really. He might not ever get to be best man again so let him let his hair down for this wedding then crack the whip at the next

No but I don't equate flouncing around in a big white frock demanding that everything goes MY way to the examples you give.

FFS ask the MIL. My DM is the same age as your MIL and would jump at the chance to have my dear niece more.

Suggesting that they may not cope at 68 is a little patronising.

OP, their isn't a general consensus about child-free weddings, but the most reasonable opinion I've seen is that if the Bride and Groom want child free, they will have to accept that some parents won't be able to attend. Then, it's down to the invitees how they want to manage it with regards to who stays with the children and who goes to the wedding.

That, up to that point, you staying home is perfectly reasonable.

However, it does sound from your OP that you're not satisfied with that.

Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

This is where you're being unreasonable. There's no 'if' about it. DS is not coming. It's their wedding, and he is not invited. If you say 'if he's not coming...' it appears that you want them to alter their plans to suit you. Moreover, it looks as though you're offering it as an ultimatum.

they think I can't control my ds

This is pure projection and is why you have people thinking you just want to be offended. They haven't said any such thing. If they'd said children are welcome apart from BettyBoo's, then that would have been a judgement and an offensive thing. They've said they don't want any children there. They've said absolutely nothing about your ability to parent, nor have they implied anything about it. They've said they don't want children at their wedding, which might be for any one of several reasons (maybe they or someone close to them has just lost a child?), but you've chosen to take it as a personal slight.

I'm with LtEveDallas here and I think you are getting a hard time tbh. The problem is not with the invitation (although it was off of them to just mention the arrangements 3 wks beforehand) but with your DH. Sounds like he's pretty selfish in many aspects of your relationship and also happy to offload childcare onto anyone else.

No but I don't equate flouncing around in a big white frock demanding that everything goes MY way to the examples you give.

FFS how is only having kids at the evening do 'demanding everything goes MY way'?

In fact you'd be as bad for demanding your child should be allowed to attend or else you're not coming.

Never seen such a mountain out of a mole hill.

Either go or don't go but I seriously wouldn't take your dad to the ceremony if that is against their wishes, especially if family members have children who aren't there.

If you do take your ds expect it to cause issues with your friendship.

It is a one off. If you have issues with you DH partying on other occasions than address that, but I think as you can see from this thread you have probably 'picked the wrong fight'

I think it's understandable that the OP doesn't want to put her MIL out too much, especially since her DH has now abdicated his childcare responsibilities to her the following weekend too. It sounds like his life is one long party. I wouldn't leave my baby overnight for a wedding either, and I certainly wouldn't care about the impact that had on such a selfish husband.

Grateful? For what? If you want to be childfree then hire a sitter and go out. You don't need a reason.

A wedding is a party. That's all it is. A voluntarily-staged party. Not greater or lesser than any other party. M

Give me a break she will 'spoil' the party by not being there.

They won't even notice.

A rift? She should have caused one long ago because she's married to an arse who cares more about his friends and going out than his family, but that is another issue entirely.

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right

DS was originally invited to the ceremony, with 3 weeks to go the B&G have moved the goal posts.

DH is going on a week long lads holiday to Spain

OP doesn't want to take the piss with MiL so is reluctant to ask her to look after DS from early morning right round until the next morning

As a compromise, OP has suggested:

To avoid leaving DS with MiL from early morning, she stays with DS, misses the ceremony and goes along later - DH doesn't like that

They leave DS with MiL early, both OP and DH go to ceremony but leave together 8/9ish to collect DS so MiL doesn't have him all day and over night - DH doesn't like that either

I don't see that the OP is being unreasonable here.

DS is as much the responsibility of the DH as the OP, having already had a lads holiday to Spain the previous, why does he get to ditch all responsibility for his son again? Why isn't he expected to leave early so the OP can stay with her friends?

It would have to be a massively dull wedding aren't they all? it will be if the best mans wife not being in attendance because she is staying with her baby "spoils the wedding".

Oh for goodness sake either piss or get off the pot. Ds is welcome in the evening, if that doesn't suit you then tough titty. Your other option is to leave ds with MIL who he is well used to.

I would agree with you normally that you could both leave the party early as you are both the parents and your DH seems to get plenty of non parental , free time on nights out and stag trips etc, however on this occasion he is the best man so I think it would look a bit rude for him to leave early. If he agreed to the role he should fulfil it.

I also don't think you turning up with DS at the ceremony is an option, he hasn't been invited and they have specifically stated no children, no matter how well behaved your DS is you have to accept that. If they let your well behaved child attend it means they also have to say yes to xyz children who may not be as well behaved and may be more disruptive-they can't win really.

Do you really want to go to the wedding -do you get on with the Bride and Groom?- from your comments you seem really upset that your DS is now not invited -I can understand your frustration but it almost seems like you want to make a point to the Bride and Groom by not attending. I'm not sure they will even notice as they will be so wrapped up in their big day -so it will be yourself and your DH that you will be spiting.

Is your MIL babysitting really bothering you that much ?-my folks are now 70 and I don't like to ask them to babysit for long periods as I feel its too much and they do help me out occasionally through the week -I do agree with what you are saying, however it seems that she does a lot of a baby sitting for you and DH over weekends anyway-Why not compromise on one the upcoming individual events instead and give her a break but let her babysit this one as it is one that you and DH and share and enjoy together.

If you really can't leave your DS with MIL for more than a few hours I would suggest going to the ceremony and wedding breakfast as the ceremony is the important bit and you would want to be there for DH and his speech at the meal. Then you could leave at around 7pm/8ish.
You have said your DS goes to bed at 7.30pm though so the evening part shouldn't be too taxing for MIL ?

But I wouldn't be demanding my child went Bear I just wouldn't go and I wouldn't think twice about it.

"women tend to worry more than men FACT"

I know you said this hours ages ago, but for this comment alone, YABU.

People on MN consider weddings sacrosanct, when in real life, other than immediate family, no one really gives a fuck you're getting married

I think, judging by this comment (which, in various forms, is repeatedly flung around), that MN appears to encompass two polar opposite bodies of opinions on weddings. Of course, there are the precious bridezillas. But I have never, on any other website, seen such callousness displayed towards those who do think marriage is important and/or desired, who do want to mark that day with a massive fuck-off party and who may choose to spunk however much cash they want on a big dress.

You may not give a fuck about anyone other than parents/siblings/children getting married but I don't think this is a majority opinion. As I say, I've only ever seen it asserted so aggressively on this website.

I care very much about the weddings of family members and friends equally. I even care when work colleagues are getting married, fancy that? I enjoy being there to see two people so totally in love that they actually don't give a fuck whether I am there or not and I quite like having a nice feed and a bit too much vino in the evening. Weddings don't bore me.

And like any other ceremony that marks an important part of someone's life, it matters not one jot whether I think it important or not...

Grateful? For what? If you want to be childfree then hire a sitter and go out. You don't need a reason.

Jeez- I meant they might be pleased they could enjoy the day without looking after children.

I think that chip on your shoulder about every wedding/ party being a invite not a summons is now so ingrained that you jump to the conclusion that the party hosts are BU whatever the facts.

As others have said, the OP clearly begrudges the amount of time her husband spends going out but picking his best friends wedding as the time to make her point is unnecessary and selfish.

OP, I genuinely don't understand why you are so unwilling to leave before your husband. Perhaps it's another in a long line of nights out that he gets to have, but I don't think this is the occasion to put your foot down.

Because on this occasion stinkle the DH is the best man. At any other wedding I would agree but he has said to the couple he will be their best man -he needs to really fulfil his 'job'. It wasn't really fair of him to accept if he didn't plan to be at whole wedding.

I think OP should just get on with it this time and compromise on this occasion, and then have a chat to her DH about how often he is out compared to her and come to a fair agreement moving forward as that seems to be a big issue. It sounds like it isn't a very 50/50 set up,

Despite all that you say op, it really does seem like you are being difficult. DH is best man so should be there all day. Yes it may be a lot for mil, but it is a special occasion. In sure if your friend is so dear to you, you would accept mil babysitting all day & go. If you choose to leave early you really should not expect dh to on this occasion, it's not fair on b&g.

Perhaps return the suit for a refund/ exchange & don't drink at the baby shower next week so that you can return to look after ds. Maybe dh does need to take more responsibility & not go to festivals at the drop of a hat, but this is not the same.

If dh has dn's, could his siblings not help for a few hours?

You need to accept that dh as best man is going all day. You have no reason not to go, unless you choose not to. It really is that simple.

Good for you stars and I really mean that . I'm glad you get happiness out of weddings and enjoy them.

However I don't agree that those who feel that way are treated unsympathetically as evidenced here on this thread where those who love weddings and think they're important are by far the greater number. I find that on every thread about weddings tbh.