To not want to go to wedding without ds

[BettyBoo246]

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

I think the person you really need to discuss this with is your dh! He is Best Man and there may be things the bride and groom want him there for near the end.

Personally I would probably leave my children with their grandparent and enjoy myself. Or not go until the evening.

Oh for goodness sake either piss or get off the pot. Ds is welcome in the evening, if that doesn't suit you then tough titty. Your other option is to leave ds with MIL who he is well used to.

^ This.

I honestly don't know why you are making such a massive deal out of this - it seems to be just another occasion where you and your DH are relying on your MIL for childcare. It sounds like you have the issue with how much you are using her, and neither your DH or your MIL have a problem. So you need to take the consequences, I guess. And if you genuinely don't want to attend the ceremony with DS then of course you are not U to do this, it's up to you.

Wind your neck in. It's another party. If you don't like the parameters of the party, then don't go.

Some people don't like dress-themed parties, so they don't go.

Some people are fussy eaters, so they don't go to dinner parties.

So e people like to drink at parties, so they don't go to ones too far to walk if they cannot arrange other transport.

Some people don't enjoy being away from their young children or babies very long, so they don't.

Very simple.

When you it for what it is, an invitation to a party, a voluntary event, then I don't see the big deal with declining if you don't care for the parameters of it.

Meh.

So, he's Best Man.

Then the OP's suggestion of her missing the ceremony then coming along later means they won't have to leave early and can both enjoy spending time with their friends

My DH has been Best Man several times. His 'job' ended with the first dance.

I have said maybe I could bring ds as planned then during the ceremony we will go for a long walk but dh thinks this will look like I'm being childish?

But they don't want children there. You have to respect this.

However I don't agree that those who feel that way are treated unsympathetically as evidenced here on this thread where those who love weddings and think they're important are by far the greater number. I find that on every thread about weddings tbh

Understood and agreed. However, it has seemed from my observations (over several wedding threads) that those who don't feel this way - who exude a visceral and instinctive dislike of anything wedding-related - take an almost sadistic delight in bursting bubbles of happiness of those who do want to talk about weddings and budgets and guest issues and so forth. The opinions expressed by the naysayers are (in my opinion) far more extreme and you can almost hear the delighted cackles as they are typed

When you it for what it is, an invitation to a party, a voluntary event, then I don't see the big deal with declining if you don't care for the parameters of it.

But the issue here is that the OP 'doesn't care for the parameters of the event' so she's trying to change them. That's very different from just declining.

I was listening to Vanessa Feltz on the radio the other morning. There was a summit on Gangs in London and V was discussing what we can do to prevent gangs.

A caller phoned in and made a really interesting point about where society is failing our children and how we are pushing them out - One example she gave was how children are banned from family events - i.e Weddings from an early age our children are marginalised, excluded and the long term effects of this eventually leads to children looking for a place where they are part of a 'family'

I'm not saying OP's beautiful baby is now going to become a gang member because of not being allowed to one wedding but a lifetime of events like this eventually take their toll and the consequences are what we are living with today.

Maybe we should be thinking more carefully about this 'no children' policy that seems to becoming more popular these days? As I child I remember family weddings where there were loads of children all playing a spilling fizzy drinks on the dance floor - happy days!

I've never come across this "no one gives a fuck about your wedding except you" attitude in real life either, only MN. In my experience most people are very happy to join in and celebrate the most important day in the life of their friends even if it does mean a little expense and / or inconvenience.

As I child I remember family weddings where there were loads of children all playing a spilling fizzy drinks on the dance floor - happy days

shudders

I'm a slow typer. My post about OP spoiling the wedding was to the effect of her taking her son for an awkward walk during ceremony. When I'd posted, she'd (thank goodness!) seen what a terrible idea that was!!

I'm usually very 'weddings are a family affair' and have a bit of a whine to DH about it, but I would be very judgey of anyone who forced a baby into a wedding they weren't invited to. I honestly would think that person had lost their bloody marbles. Just trying to show OP how people will likely perceive her.

I wonder how many of the women who won't attend a wedding without their DC now were child free when they wed?

I'm a hypocrite. Had a family friendly wedding, hate child free ones but will still go after a moan about people not liking kids.

Well personally, as a non wedding enthusiast, I don't mean to come across like that but I honestly don't comprehend the fuss and maybe that appears blunt. I also think that the immediate rants of selfish! and get a grip! that invariably appear on these threads make people feel that they have to put their point across strenuously. That's certainly how I feel.

So originally you were going to take him to the ceremony, not the meal & then to part of the evening reception?

And you were going to stay late at the evening reception & leave your son with MIL overnight?

Now he's not wanted at the ceremony & you think that you should both leave the evening reception earlier & scrap the overnight?

I think that that sounds fair enough tbh.

If you don't like it then don't go, Not everyone likes children and its not about controlling your son, hes only 8 months and anything could happen.

I've never come across this "no one gives a fuck about your wedding except you" attitude in real life either, only MN.

I think there is some truth in that sentiment where bridezillas demand the same level of excitement about every detail of their day as they have, months and months in advance.

But on the actual day I think those who attend are happy to be there and enjoying the day.

I wouldn't haive left any of mine at 8 months, but as you're happy to leave him with MIL, I don't see what the problem is with ds not going to the ceremony. Sitting through a wedding ceremony is hardly going to be quality time with him anyway. And if she looks after him for a lot of weekends anyway, it's going to come across as a bit odd that you don't want to ask her that particular day. Can't you swap another time when she would be having him, to that weekend?

I did think that "no children" weddings usually made an exception for small babies though.

Haven't read all replies so this may have moved on, but actually I think it is unreasonable of the couple to inform you just three weeks before the wedding of the no children policy if up to that point you had thought that your DS was invited. They should have made it clear in the invitation that the invite was just for your DH and you and that children could not be accommodated.

'...and that they think I can't control my ds.' Did they actually say that? That's unnecessary. They should have just said 'no children, sorry' but they made it personal which is rude.

But, obviously it is their day and they are not being unreasonable in their request for no children...they can do what they want for their wedding. But they could have handled it better by the sounds of it.

I don't think you should not go because your DS isn't invited...it's a bit petty. It wouldn't be a big deal for your MIL to look after your DS for a bit longer. I think you should go and enjoy yourself and support your DH as best man.

I am also wondering, say you bring your baby to the ceremony where are you going to put him when it comes to taking the photos?

Go to the wedding. Leave DS with MIL in the morning. Pick DS up after the wedding breakfast in his suit, let him have a couple of hours being oohed and aahed over. Leave when it's DS's bedtime, let your DH stay and see his best man duties through to the end. This is not the time to make a stand about his general socialising when he has one of the key parts to play at his best friend's big day.

After the wedding, drop the martyrdom and passive-aggression, sit down and have a grown-up chat with DH about making some changes to his out-every-other-weekend habits, about him stepping up and being a bit more of a father and husband and no longer trying to outdo his young single childless mates.

I'll admit the "no one gives a fuck" thing did cross my mind with a former colleague who was fretting about the colour of the napkins 6 months ahead of the wedding, but when it comes to the big stuff, the invitees, the logistics of the day, then yes, most people do care enough to make a bit of effort and are happy to be part of it.

I've never come across this "no one gives a fuck about your wedding except you" attitude in real life either, only MN.

Me neither. I find it a little odd, to be fair. Sure, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do, and they smile politely through discussions of table favours and seating plans, but pretty much everyone I know is just pleased to be invited and happy that their friends or family are getting married.

I've never come across anyone in RL either who gets morally outraged about invites. They might find particularly strange or OTT ones amusing, but there's little point getting your knickers in a twist. If you can't go because of money, work, distance or childcare, just politely decline and wish the happy couple the best.

Though in the wider scheme of things no one will really notice too much if the OP can't go to the whole do.

I think you're being very difficult about this, OP. You have several options - you just don't like any of them, and it does rather seem that you've taken umbrage about not being able to take your baby along, looking lovely in his little suit, for the whole event.

You are clearly able to leave him with your MIL, and she is willing and able to have him, so you already have considerably more flexibility than many people in this situation. You say 'but she's 68' as though that's akin to being 108. My lovely MIL is only a few years younger than that, and is entirely fit and healthy - probably fitter than me at the moment. You're content for her to have your baby during the week, so she's clearly not infirm.

You could take him for the evening, and leave when he gets cranky. There's absolutely no reason why your DH can't stay, except that you don't want him to. He's the best man - not just a random guest. It would be odd and rude for him to disappear early, when he doesn't have to.

You could go to the ceremony and pick him up afterwards. You could go back to your MIL's place latish and stay there, so you're there to do any night-wakings. You could ask her to drop him off with you after the ceremony.

There are various ways forward. If you don't want to take them, then don't. But it would be very churlish indeed to prevent the best man from participating in the entire wedding, simply because your baby isn't invited to the ceremony.

Fwiw your dh sounds like a cock who thinks his life doesnt have to change when you have kids

Putting that aside. For THIS issue yoi are wrong. It is the wrong time to make a stand. If you are going to miss any part of a wedding you have been invited all day to then you should miss the evening.

I personally would ask mil to look after ds in the day buttake him to the bit he is invited to. Chances are he will suprise you and fall asleep in buggy then you can all go home together at the end of the night. If not you can go home with the baby. Your DH is the best man! (He is being a cock about the music festival, every other weekend and hobbies though.)

Your husband is a dick who has not taken on board that he is a father with responsibilities to his child and the partner of his child, and can't go out on the piss every time he fancies it.

His mother obviously enables him to do that, in that she will agree to take DS whenever he asks her to.

You also enable him with your "but that's just what men are liiiiike" attitude.

It isn't what all men are like, just your dick of a husband.

That's your problem, not the fact that your friends are having a child free wedding.

Am i missing something here? If children aren't invited until the evening why do you assume you can take DS to the wedding breakfast? In my book evening means from about 7ish after the meal and when the dancing etc starts. You've said he needs to be in bed by 7:30 so what bit exactly is he going to attend??