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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to wedding without ds

446 replies

BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 10:27

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 15:05

And actually they have said children and babies are welcome once the ceremony has finished being videoed.

Drip feed- you said children were only invited at night?

You are clearly going to dig your heels in over this to suit yourself as the reality is you just don't want to go.

LtEveDallas · 03/06/2014 15:07

OPs first post Bearbehind "who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony "

Only1scoop · 03/06/2014 15:07

I think Op does want to go.

jacks365 · 03/06/2014 15:07

Bearbehind that's not quite true the op does want to go but she wants to take ds in his suit to show him off and have everyone cooing over him

Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 15:09

But also said They av said all children welcome in the evening but ds is a stickler for being in bed at 7.30 so most reasonable people would assume they weren't welcome until the evening.

Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 15:09

Grin jacks

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 03/06/2014 15:10

This is drip feeding at it's best.

I think, like others that you are now digging yourself in deeper hole.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 15:11

My dh's suggestion is now to leave ds all day and night with mil (overnight too) I just think it's a bit much hence why I was trying to find other options. If I'm a 'twat' for that then fair enough and self centered for not wanting to take advantage of family members then so be it

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 15:13

If I'm a 'twat' for that then fair enough and self centered for not wanting to take advantage of family members then so be it

Give up the martyr routine- it's tiring.

Don't you see the problem is the fact you are happy for you MIL to have your son when it suits you but not now that it doesn't?

Only1scoop · 03/06/2014 15:15

I think your Dh has probably got the right idea with this one.

However.... he needs to be less over zealous with his utilisation of mil for babysitting....you said she does whilst you are at work and weekends.

Get her a lovely thank you and some peace for the coming months.

Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 15:17

Yes jacksthat's what I want to do really! Show my baby off, because that's what all hard working, sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, struggling to keep household and work and baby juggling mums really want to do, show their baby off at someone else's wedding, that's the real issue lol! My point stating I had got him a suit was that of they had told me earlier than this I would not of gone out and spent a fortune on a nice new suit for him that I can't return now

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyBoo246 · 03/06/2014 15:21

She has my ds when I go out to WORK so I can afford to cloth, feed and generally provide for my baby, not so I can go out socialising! And not overnight, it's for 4 hours a day.
She will also only be doing this for a temporary period!
She is also not just looking after him for me but for my dh too he's also at work!!!

OP posts:
SelectAUserName · 03/06/2014 15:21

There are options! You just don't like any of them!

  1. MIL looks after DS all day and night. You could make this up to her by cutting back on the worktime childcare (by putting DS in nursery soon) or the weekend childcare (by your DH staying at home with his family occasionally).
  1. You only go to part of the wedding - either the daytime and come home to relieve MIL from the evening shift, or vice versa.
  1. You don't go to the wedding at all.

What is not an option is you picking and choosing which bits you get to take DS to, and that seems to be the only one that will make you happy. So you either ride roughshod over your friends' wishes and make yourself the most unpopular person at the wedding by taking DS along regardless, or you can suck it up and pick the least worst option so you can go and celebrate your friends' marriage.

Graze22 · 03/06/2014 15:22

Martyr alert. Are you new to mumsnet?

ElizaDolittle2 · 03/06/2014 15:27

Yes jacksthat's what I want to do really! Show my baby off, because that's what all hard working, sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, struggling to keep household and work and baby juggling mums really want to do, show their baby off at someone else's wedding, that's the real issue lol! My point stating I had got him a suit was that of they had told me earlier than this I would not of gone out and spent a fortune on a nice new suit for him that I can't return now

I know you have put a lol in it, but I do actually think deep down that this is actually what you want to do, hence spending a fortune on an outfit that your dad will only wear once.

LtEveDallas · 03/06/2014 15:28

BettyBoo,

You wont get anything else off this thread, I wouldn't bother any more.

You have two options really

Don't go.
Do as your DH wants so he stops having a strop. Shame you have to placate him this way, and rather controlling of him.

I think your suggestion to your DH that you join him at the reception and onto the evening was the best one tbh. It's a pity he is still kicking off about that, but this is the man you married, sadly.

Personally I wouldn't go, but as I said before I didn't leave my child at that age. Going out on the piss is the last thing I'd want.

Hope it works out.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 03/06/2014 15:30

really? she should put her child into childcare so she can go to a wedding all day?

Sorry but what?

Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 15:33

really? she should put her child into childcare so she can go to a wedding all day?

No- she should get the child's grandmother, and regular carer, to look after him for 4 hours more than was originally planned.

That's not really a big deal is it?

diddl · 03/06/2014 15:35

Forget about taking your baby.

Leave him with MIL, go to what you want/don't go at all & tell your husband to suck it up!!

ruthsmumkath · 03/06/2014 15:37

I went to a wedding without my ds when he was 6 months - it was in Ireland and I had to leave my son with my MIL who he had only seen once before.

I felt heartbroken after the first hour or so and spent most of the night in a corner in tears.

I have never gone to a wedding since were dc's were not invited and doubt I will for a long time to come.

Each to there own on who is invited but I feel no compulsion to attend.

Kath

Thumbwitch · 03/06/2014 15:40

There are a few points here that I want to make (dunno why I feel the need but hey)

  1. If it's a church wedding then technically they can't stop you bringing your DS into the church, although if he did kick up a fuss they'd probably be pretty pissed off. A friend of mine had a "no children at the ceremony" wedding too, and had someone who was prepared to be outside looking after the children during the ceremony because she didn't want her wedding video messed up with screaming. Unluckily for her, a close relative had a baby a few weeks prior to the wedding and had to bring baby with her - guess what! It wailed. C'est la vie. It wasn't the end of the world.
    But you'd be given some dirty looks, I'm sure, if you did it.

  2. are you breastfeeding? because if you are then nearly 24h away from your 8mo could be quite uncomfortable, you'd probably have to take a pump and "pump and dump", plus having to express for your baby, unless you want to do an emergency stop on bf'ing.

  3. I have actually just had a very similar conversation with DH about extended childcare. DS2 is 19mo and is pretty lively, so a bit more of a handful even than a teething 8mo non-mobile baby, but also he can play and do other stuff, so less completely dependent (swings and roundabouts). We're going out for our anniversary next week so MIL will be looking after DS1 and 2 for the evening - DH just suggested staying the night out as well but the next day I need to go to the city for the day, so MIL will be looking after DS2 during the day for me then as well (a 6h stint, usually) - DS1 will be at school. I said No to the overnight because quite frankly I think it will be too much for her as well at 72 - early evening, overnight and then most of the next day so yes, nearly 24h with DS2 (who IS still bf'ing at night as well). It's bloody wearing but DH isn't bothered - he's sure his mum will be fine with it. Well I know she'd agree to it but it would be knackering for her!

So I have some sympathy with your point of view.

The only thing I do take issue with is your insistence that your DP come home with you. I really wouldn't bother about that - unless you're worried that if you leave him there by himself drinking he might be tempted by someone else? In which case you've got bigger problems.

Stinkle · 03/06/2014 15:40

Or, the DH should stop being a dick, and agree to her joining him later at the reception as per OP's perfectly reasonable suggestion several pages ago

KatieKaye · 03/06/2014 15:44

So why did you say you were bringing him back for the photos OP if you didn't intrndcDS to be in them? Presumably you were going to be in them so what would DS be doing?

LizLimone · 03/06/2014 15:46

Is this trend for 'child-free' weddings a real thing now? I'm only seeing it here on MN, not in real life. It sounds awful to me, just selfish and indulgent. Weddings are family events and children are part of the family like everyone else, not lepers. Used to be when I was getting married 10 years sho anyway that children were welcomed at weddings and given prominence as flower girls / page boys etc.

What a cold, harsh world these people live in. Yes, god forbid your Perfect Day would be marred by the sound of a baby crying. The horror! Their choice of course but glad I don't know anyone like them in real life.

LizLimone · 03/06/2014 15:48

10 years *ago, that should be...