Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My daughter's friend on inappropriate website, how do I broach the topic with her grandma?

131 replies

tisrainingagain · 03/06/2014 09:44

More of a what would you do I suppose.

My dd (10) has been in a weepy confessional mood recently and very worried about small things... Eg. months ago she "picked a skittle off the playground floor, brushed it clean and ate it"... Very concerned about germs suddenly and has she done the right thing. Part of me blames myself for this thinking maybe we have stressed her out telling her to wash her hands etc? (Of course hands have to be washed before meals etc.. I don't think we are over the top, but I don't understand why she is suddenly so worried about "bad things happening". I do remember going through a similar phase but think that I was older than 10).

Anyway, that's kind of a side issue. Some of her "confessions" concern time spent at a friend's house (also 10). One of these was when the friend gave her two vitamin tablets in water (but without saying they were vitamins, saying they were her Grandad's cancer medicine) and my daughter drank it. 3 months later she told me this story in tears (but did not seem remotely upset before that). So I cleared that one up with her friend's grandma (who is the main carer) who confirmed that they had been vitamins.

Another issue was the same friend asking my dd to drink some of a bath bomb they had just made. Apparently the friend drank some and my dd says she just licked a little bit of it and then rinsed her mouth out. Again this happened a while ago and again my daughter is in tears about it now. So I said that in future if she doesn't want to do something, just to say no etc... She obviously seems to have been easily lead which I would not have thought. Maybe now she will react in a different way to things she does not want to do.

Anyway, all this is fairly trivial I suppose. Now for the bombshell. At the same friend's house, and also a long time ago (my dd says a year, don't know how exact that would be), the friend went on a website called omegle which I had never heard of, to have completely inappropriate chats with strangers at the other end. My daughter in tears again saying it was nasty stuff. I asked her to give me some examples, which she didn't want to at first, but when she did, I agree that it was nasty Shock.

So I told her how inappropriate this was for all the different reasons, and the dangers involved. And that (again) she has to stand up for what she knows is right and go and tell the adult present if something is wrong (friend's grandma was downstairs at the time). She says there were two playdates where her friend was on this website and that it hasn't happened for a long time.

My dilemma is how I broach this subject with the grandma without her feeling defensive and judged? She may well know, but maybe she doesn't? Just having the vitamin conversation with her you could see that she was slightly defensive, how defensive is she going to feel about this?

I think I do have to say something for her grandaughter's sake, but how do I phrase it?

Am also annoyed that my daughter was exposed to this, but that would not be part of my conversation with my friend (the grandma).

OP posts:
poshme · 03/06/2014 13:58

OP if you want to talk to someone confidentially you could call the nspcc. They might give you some advice.
Or ceop which is www.ceop.police.uk have a website which might be helpful.
Flowers have an unMN hug

tisrainingagain · 03/06/2014 14:01

Thank you.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/06/2014 14:05

Hopefully they will just have gone on the messenger bit and not the videolink. It really is a vile site. If it was just words, there is hope that they won't have understood a lot of it, although people do link to pictures and websites etc. :(

The whole point of it is to be anonymously and randomly linked to a complete stranger. This makes it perfect for exhibitionists etc.

gingerchick · 03/06/2014 14:21

Are you aware you used an actual name in your previous post op

tisrainingagain · 03/06/2014 15:01

Yes thank you. Am mortified. I reported that post almost immediately so hopefully it will be deleted soon.

OP posts:
kawliga · 03/06/2014 15:08

OP you are a good good person for worrying about your dd's friend and trying to alert her grandma and you came on here to find a way to break the news kindly to the grandma, thinking about telling the school, etc. That's all good. Better than most people would be in this situation, actually. You are very generous to be concerned about others (not just your dd but also her friends) and I admire that.

But Grandma is a grown up, if she feels defensive or judged that's too bad, I wouldn't worry that much about her tbh. The amount of time you spent crafting that email was generous but unnecessary. I would be mortified to discover that children were at risk on my watch, it is not the right time to start feeling defensive or sensitive it is time to focus on the dc! I hope grandma senses the urgency and steps up.

I had never heard of omegle but now that some posters have said what it is Shock I would forget about the friend and the grandma and just channel 100% of your emotional energy on your dd.

AgaPanthers · 03/06/2014 15:19

If you search Bing for Omegle

www.bing.com/videos/

and turn safe search off you will see literally thousands of videos of girls (some very young) who are being captured on this site.

So basically what will happen is:

go on there, someone who appears to be a hard-bodied man (or whatever is on the other end), usually this is fake, and the guy on the other end is fat and ugly, so he just uses a video from online (so it

AgaPanthers · 03/06/2014 15:21

looks like him performing live, but actually it's a recording) and they basically groom girls to perform sex acts. If they do use their body, they will hide their face. The girls being groomed know no better, so their face is shown (along with everything else)

People do it basically full-time and the videos will end up being swapped and sold among paedophiles, and potentially seen by a large number of people.

Basically 90% of the activity on the site is people trying to get sex videos from girls.

Gruntfuttock · 03/06/2014 15:31

I'm disgusted that that vile site hasn't been shut down.

isabellavine · 03/06/2014 15:40

tisrainingagain - you poor love, please try not to panic. Thanks

I just checked out omegle as I have never heard of it before and it struck me as weird that you'd be taken straight to a webcam session. You are not. There is no login either. On the homescreen there is an option for text chat and one for webcam. I'm sure the text chat is not really very pleasant, but it is possibly not as bad as going straight to those images described by a poster a little while ago.

Of course, you need to talk to her about what exactly she saw/heard, but you don't need me to tell you that! The point is, it might not be as bad as it sounds (fingers crossed).

isabellavine · 03/06/2014 15:41

I should add, I am not trying to minimise the harm that these sites do, and I think it's appalling that they exist.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 03/06/2014 15:49

Tbh OP in your shoes I'd forget about emailing or phoning and go to grandmas house, look at the PC's history together and, if it appears the girls have video linked to and adult (who could see their age ifyswim) calling the police.

ViviPru · 03/06/2014 15:53

But Grandma is a grown up, if she feels defensive or judged that's too bad, I wouldn't worry that much about her tbh

I agree with this. For the successful resolution of this I think you need to avoid any accusatory language as you plan to, but I don't think you should to pretend that you accept your DD/you is/are equally responsible for the girls accessing the site if you honestly don't believe that to case.

Good luck.

tisrainingagain · 03/06/2014 15:55

Have spoken to dd who says that they only messaged. She says she typed as well but was typing her friend's thoughts. Apparently some person at the other end Angry told my dd's friend to go and talk to him/her on "kick" so she went on there but not for long.
Have been trying to phone my friend all day. I saw her in the distance at pick up and waved but it wasn't the right time to talk. Will ring her later on this evening when she has maybe wound down from pick up / food preparation etc..

OP posts:
AgaPanthers · 03/06/2014 15:55

I'm not sure the police can help tbh, the guy on the other end is probably not in the UK and that site isn't illegal by itself.

Does friend's computer have a webcam?

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/06/2014 15:57

Hi tisraining, I've tried to stay away because I can hardly bear watching this unfold, and especially because I am very, very aware that the shock is so fresh and there are stages you will go through, have to go through before you reach the point of even tentatively starting to handle it.

At the moment I can see you, in your shock, trying desperately to regain and retain some sort of control over the situation, and also trying to keep it within familiar boundaries ... you'll talk to the school, to the grandma, to other mum's. That's all normal.
You are not meaning to disregard your daughter's situation or in any way trying to minimize it, your trying to protect her, trying to be her protector, trying to be the mum that has always been there for her ... you are terrified that it is all going to fall apart, you're trying to make it yesterday.

But tisraining, one thing I can tell you with 100% certainty ... if "it is all going to fall apart" ... then, for your daughter, it already has fallen apart.

I hope ... you don't know how much I hope ... that I am that drama llama and that when this is all past (and found to be a bit of childish boundary pushing), then you can all flame me within an inch of my life

BUT

for now, tisraining, please call the police Family Unit ... or if you really feel you can't (and believe me, everyone understands your fear) then call the parent support section of a professional child abuse support body ... ^^ call these, not the acting head teacher, the school, the grandma, the other mum, etc ... and also, whatever you do, don't go messing with or encouraging the grandma to mess with the other little girl's computer. (Hopefully not, but) that may contain a wealth of history that, at some point, will be needed.

Thanks
kawliga · 03/06/2014 15:57

Of course, you need to talk to her about what exactly she saw/heard

Really? I would get advice from a qualified professional or somebody who has experience of this. The dd seems to be reporting things from a long time frame e.g. saying they happened a year ago, she is in a 'weepy confessional mood' she is worried about bad things happening and there were other things going on at that house drinking 'cancer medicine' and 'bath bombs' Shock

None of that strikes me as the usual sort of thing 10 year olds get up to and I would get advice on how to support dd.

OP I hope nothing serious happened (fingers crossed) but still it is better to take the whole thing seriously.

ViviPru · 03/06/2014 15:59

Sit tight OP. I agree with others who say it really might not be too bad. This has a sense of nipping-in-the-bud about it and the one thing to take away is that your DD felt she could tell you Thanks

kawliga · 03/06/2014 16:01

Sorry, crossposted, I agree with ADish

To put it bluntly OP, forget about calling grandma, forget about grandma full stop. She is the least of your concerns at this time and she can look after herself and her family, they are not your responsibility. They are distracting you from looking at this situation for what it is.

tisrainingagain · 03/06/2014 16:02

Am listening to everyone. Dd has said there were no images and no webcam. Will slowly get more information from her.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/06/2014 16:06

That's great news, it means your dd was sensible enough to come to you before things went further (at least whilst she was there). I wouldn't be surprised if "a year ago" suddenly becomes "last week". Dcs sometimes distance themselves in time from things.

Cocolepew · 03/06/2014 16:08

I dont see how phoning the police will help. The sites not illegal. Tisrainingagain can help her DD the most at this stage. The police involvment will only make her think she has done something wrong . I wouldn't be too shy about asking the GM, the time for trying to not hurt her feelings has passed.

Cocolepew · 03/06/2014 16:09

What's "kick"?

kawliga · 03/06/2014 16:10

Have been trying to phone my friend all day. I saw her in the distance at pick up and waved but it wasn't the right time to talk. Will ring her later on this evening when she has maybe wound down from pick up / food preparation etc..

You waved at her and then considered that it was not the 'right time' to talk. Wow. Seriously, you are obviously a very very nice and polite person but don't let that become a reason to fail your dd when she needs you. I'm not saying you are, but I've seen parents do this, so busy being nice to everyone that their own dc go unheard.

I hope you are not looking to this 'friend' for any kind of support in this situation. It was at her house that all these things happened. She will just help you think it is normal for 10 year olds to be getting mixed up in this. When you told her about the 'cancer meds' situation she more or less said 'oh don't worry it was just vitamins'. Minimizing and normalizing so that you can both sleep well at night. Now she will say 'don't worry they just sent some harmless messages'.

slithytove · 03/06/2014 16:13

If they were on a tablet, there is no webcam, I just checked. Chat only.

Swipe left for the next trending thread