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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Turning up unannounced at bedtime

116 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 15:13

Right...trying to get my head round this
I have a 4 month old DD and a 17 month old DS. I'm exclusively expressing for DD so got my hands quite full

DS is a reliably brilliant sleeper (we know we are very lucky) from 7 - 7. Basically, we just had to do his routine, pop him in his cot and he went off to sleep.

However, in the lady two weeks, he has started nursery for two afternoons a week plus us majorly teething and had a bad cold and sore throat. This means that he had started getting up at 6 or 5, worse. Plus needs help at night to get to sleep. One or either of us has to lie in our bed with him til he starts to fall asleep or he screams blue murder in his cot. Thankfully in the last two days, he seems to be going back to normal but we've found it a bit hard as we don't really have any coping strategies as he's akwYs slept very well

Last night, DH was going out to watch the boxing. He agreed that one of his friends would come and pick him up. The house was a mess with dirty washing wtc to be carried down to the utility room, toys all over the place and the dinner things to be cleared up

I was also a bit worried that DS would have trouble going to sleep as I would be in my own plus I had DD and needed to fit in the expressing

So, anyway, DH sees his friend appear from the window. I'm lying on our bed with DS and DD is in her cot. Suddenly, I hear the door slamming really loudly and some crashing and banging downstairs. DS has been dozing but bounces up and starts shouting: "what dat? What dat?"

I have three day unwashed hair and am in my pyjamas so not relishing going downstairs to see wtf is going on. I then hear DH's voice and, I think, the voice of his friend. So, not wanting to cause any embarrassment, I call and ask DH if he can come upstairs and help me

DH comes upstairs and tells me that his friend, his wife and their two children have just turned up unannounced to have a drink with us.

Obviously, I'm trying to get DS to sleep, the house is a shit tip and I'm in pyjamas. I tell DH that this is really not convenient, the noise (the crashing was one of the children crashing DS' wooden truck with bricks into a door then chucking the bricks out) is keeping DS up and could they please find somewhere else it have a drink as I actually want to be able to come downstairs once DS has gone to sleep to have something to eat and get my expressing stuff etc

DH pops back upstairs 5 minutes later to say they are all heading out. Fine

Once they leave, much later I eventually locate my phone that has been out of battery for the last 12 hours at least, charge it and find a text from the friend's wife asking if they can come over. I've obviously not read it til then (which she would see as we both have iPhones) and obviously not replied

Then, today, DH tells me that he hopes them having to leave has t caused any "awkwardness". I was Shock and Confused because I think any "awkwardness" was caused by then turning up totally unannounced at a time when most people would be putting children if our age to bed. I really wouldn't dream of it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 22:23

bauer - shout "fuck off" through the letterbox?! Grin

OP posts:
Superworm · 01/06/2014 22:25

Me neither which is why I would have hid upstairs and why don't like unannounced visitors anymore!

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 22:28

Actually - I'm liking the sound of pic's kaftan m. The one she wears minus her kecks for gin drinking. Maybe I need one of them

OP posts:
Silverdaisy · 01/06/2014 22:30

As I said I don't like unannounced visitors!

Thankfully I don't have noisy neighbours either - thanks for the advice though. However, beeping the horn is meant for alerting another road user - not to tell your partner that his lift had arrived.

Didn't read that it's only twice a year you have their routine visit. I doubt they will bother to visit again.

PicandMinx · 01/06/2014 22:34

No bra or kecks. The kaftan is a rather lovely fuchsia pink with a yellow and purple paisley pattern. I have knee grazing norks and a wax dodging lady garden.

And you wonder why I don't answer the door! Grin

Xihha · 01/06/2014 22:40

yadnbu, my children aren't even that little anymore and don't really need me at bedtime but i would still be pissed off at unannounced visitors, its one of those things MIL and I argue over frequently as I demand enough notice to be able to brush my hair, stick a bra on and make sure there's no underwear on the clothes horse.

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 01/06/2014 22:51

Nonsense, gobbo, you are lush looking. Nonetheless, no one wants to be seen when they feel grim. Even with a necklace on Grin

MistressDeeCee · 02/06/2014 06:00

There's no way Id have gone downstairs. & Id have felt odd about visitors when I hadnt had time to tidy up, too. Im no good with unexpected visits, really. Although at least they sent a text so it wasn't your fault you didnt see it. Strange, tho...I don't even call my friends with young DCs until around 9pm as I know they'll be busy..well if they're anything like I was, putting DCs to bed then quickly running around doing some chores/next day preparation before sitting down. Sometimes they'd only have a few minutes to talk but that was fine, I wouldnt think anything of it. Don't worry about it. If they're good friends they'll understand. When you have young DCs there are going to be times you can't play hostess. Especially their bedtime. Its impossible.

KoalaDownUnder · 02/06/2014 06:09

YANBU!!

I don't even have kids, but I wouldn't dream of doing this. If you text someone saying 'Is it okay to drop in?' and they don't answer, then the default position is that it's not okay! You don't just come in unannounced, let alone a family of FOUR of you.

To those of you who are saying 'Just throw on a pair of jeans and come downstairs', not everyone feels comfortable doing that, and they have a right not to be seen looking manky and feeling shit in their own home, if that's what they choose. And she was settling a toddler and a baby, anyway, so it's a moot point.

I don't think it's the social faux pas of the century on anyone's part, but I really think they should be feeling a bit embarrassed, not you.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 02/06/2014 13:01

Why, thank you humpty

Glad to see that the majority if people think IANBU as was starting to worry. DH not assisting. But maybe I'll invite my parents to visit at 6am when he has a hangover and exhort him to see things from other's perspectives!

I haven't had any response to my text of yesterday so can only assume that I am deemed to have made the grossest if social faux pas!

OP posts:
dashoflime · 02/06/2014 13:22

You are not BU OP.

I'm with HippyPottyMouth DH can invite people round if he likes, but they are his guests- his responsibility. If I'm doing something else, then I'm doing something else.

If guests are expecting the red carpet rolled out then they need to arrange the visit more formally. If they just pop by they can bloody well get us as we are- house a shit tip, me elsewhere or in a dressing gown, no milk etc...

I'm personally quite a slattern though and quite often hang about in my dressing gown and jammies while DH has friends about. Sometimes I'll put off bedtime so DS can say his hello's as well. I don't necessarily like entertaining people when I'm not ready for it- but, given my limited post child options for social interaction, I'll take what I can get!

Your DH knows you though- and presumably knows your not up for it. He should have finessed the situation on your behalf.

Oldraver · 02/06/2014 13:23

My point wasn't about the unwashedness...that happens from time to time, but you painted a picture of oh so grubbyness and you DH is swanning off out to drink with mate, presumably washed himself......why couldn't he spare YOU five minutes.....

samlamb · 02/06/2014 13:29

You are most def NOT being unreasonable!
My blood boiled a bit when putting my self in your position. It is so entitled just arriving like that with no word from you to confirm/ reply even. I would hate it.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 02/06/2014 13:41

oldraver - fair point.

DH is very good and hands on. The issue was that DS just wouldn't let me leave him/put him down - even with DH. So I was having to take him into the shower with me as even on the bathroom floor he was attempting to climb in the shower.

Normally he's back of my hand to me and a total daddy's boy so DH and I were a bit Shock Confused
I ended up having showers but abandoned hair and make up.

Happily he seems a lot better and was back in his flt last night quite the thing and for a sleep this morning. Bit worries though as nursery tomorrow afternoon and that's been setting him off a bit.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/06/2014 13:51

I'm hoping the lack of response from your friend is HER embarrassment at turning up despite your lack of response to her message. No sensible women, with or without kids, could possibly miss the unwashed dishes and dirty laundry hanging about and not make two plus two equals not expected.

Your OH's response is covering up his lack of good sense at the time.

I'm sure it will all blow over with no more unwarranted and uninvited invasions. Eventually.

quietbatperson · 02/06/2014 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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