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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Turning up unannounced at bedtime

116 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 15:13

Right...trying to get my head round this
I have a 4 month old DD and a 17 month old DS. I'm exclusively expressing for DD so got my hands quite full

DS is a reliably brilliant sleeper (we know we are very lucky) from 7 - 7. Basically, we just had to do his routine, pop him in his cot and he went off to sleep.

However, in the lady two weeks, he has started nursery for two afternoons a week plus us majorly teething and had a bad cold and sore throat. This means that he had started getting up at 6 or 5, worse. Plus needs help at night to get to sleep. One or either of us has to lie in our bed with him til he starts to fall asleep or he screams blue murder in his cot. Thankfully in the last two days, he seems to be going back to normal but we've found it a bit hard as we don't really have any coping strategies as he's akwYs slept very well

Last night, DH was going out to watch the boxing. He agreed that one of his friends would come and pick him up. The house was a mess with dirty washing wtc to be carried down to the utility room, toys all over the place and the dinner things to be cleared up

I was also a bit worried that DS would have trouble going to sleep as I would be in my own plus I had DD and needed to fit in the expressing

So, anyway, DH sees his friend appear from the window. I'm lying on our bed with DS and DD is in her cot. Suddenly, I hear the door slamming really loudly and some crashing and banging downstairs. DS has been dozing but bounces up and starts shouting: "what dat? What dat?"

I have three day unwashed hair and am in my pyjamas so not relishing going downstairs to see wtf is going on. I then hear DH's voice and, I think, the voice of his friend. So, not wanting to cause any embarrassment, I call and ask DH if he can come upstairs and help me

DH comes upstairs and tells me that his friend, his wife and their two children have just turned up unannounced to have a drink with us.

Obviously, I'm trying to get DS to sleep, the house is a shit tip and I'm in pyjamas. I tell DH that this is really not convenient, the noise (the crashing was one of the children crashing DS' wooden truck with bricks into a door then chucking the bricks out) is keeping DS up and could they please find somewhere else it have a drink as I actually want to be able to come downstairs once DS has gone to sleep to have something to eat and get my expressing stuff etc

DH pops back upstairs 5 minutes later to say they are all heading out. Fine

Once they leave, much later I eventually locate my phone that has been out of battery for the last 12 hours at least, charge it and find a text from the friend's wife asking if they can come over. I've obviously not read it til then (which she would see as we both have iPhones) and obviously not replied

Then, today, DH tells me that he hopes them having to leave has t caused any "awkwardness". I was Shock and Confused because I think any "awkwardness" was caused by then turning up totally unannounced at a time when most people would be putting children if our age to bed. I really wouldn't dream of it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 01/06/2014 16:11

I've kicked out friends that turn up unannounced for less than that. :)

If they're friends they'll understand. If they're good friends, they'll just try their luck and show unannounced again at a later date.

When you randomly pop by a friend's place you accept that it may not be a good time to pop by and you'll be given the boot. I've been kicked out for popping by and I've kicked friends out for popping by. It's not really a big deal.

PicandMinx · 01/06/2014 16:12

YANBU! Very cheeky to text, get no reply but turn up anyway. Where are their manners? Don't apologise. You should get an apology from your very inconsiderate "guests" Angry

Nomama · 01/06/2014 16:17

Well, to those who think OP should have explained herself... what's wrong with her man doing it? If DH was worried it was awkward for them he should have explained the situation better, shouldn't he?

After all, he was aware of all the things that were difficult for OP to get her head round. Why should she have had to show her (scruffy, unwashed, leaky) self in order for them to be placated? He has a mouth, a brain and an understanding of social etiquette.

He should have told them in a way that made them understand that it was extremely and unusually inconvenient, kids out of routine/ill, and no invitations had been extended... very embarrassing, too tired to cope....

OP, don't give it a second thought. If they mention it say boldly, loudly - I still haven't got over the embarrassment, DCs were so upset and I was absolutely knackered - and let them apologise.

Artandco · 01/06/2014 16:18

Yabu IMO

Our children have never had bedtime before 9pm, so we would welcome visitors at 7pm as can all eat/ play/ socialise together. Therefore it prob wouldn't occur to me not to visit someone at say 6/7pm. Some people also don't like you visiting at nap time in day which makes it hard to know when will keep people happy.

If your son needed hours help to sleep, surely he wasn't that tired?

I currently have x2 2 month olds, a 3 year old and a 4 year old at home so I haven't forgotten 'small children'. I just would rather life went on without dictated by small children

Lilaclily · 01/06/2014 16:21

I'd have got dh to mind the kids & nipped into the shower
Then gone down ten minutes later

dancinggerald · 01/06/2014 16:23

YAdefinitelyNBU.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 16:24

art - he doesn't need hours to help him sleep. He is teething with a very bad cold so needs pain relief etc and some comfort from his parents as he is ill

I never have any trouble working out the best time to visit anyone as I text or call beforehand and ensure its convenient. I never presume that people do or don't have the sane routines as us - and that includes childless friends

OP posts:
Nomama · 01/06/2014 16:26

Oh, I meant to I haven't though of Gobbolino in years, thanks for the very pleasant memory jogger Smile

PicandMinx · 01/06/2014 16:28

To me, it's not so much guests turning up at bed-time, it's the turning up without an invitation or a prior agreement and then expect to be entertained!

I want to be able to wear my kaftan, sans underwear, lolling on my couch drinking gin. If any of my family or friends turn up without a text or a phone call, they won't be invited in. They know this and respect my wishes.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/06/2014 16:32

You weren't being unreasonable at all. What kind of bloody idiot thinks turning up at that time of the evening is appropriate? If you hadn't responded to my message I would not have assumed that you'd read it. You've got a tiny baby and a toddler: I'm surprised you have time to wash your face, never mind sit around glued to a ruddy iPhone all day.

You have nothing to apologise for. Let this be a lesson to them for assuming you're running an open house.

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2014 16:34

Our children have never had bedtime before 9pm, so we would welcome visitors at 7pm as can all eat/ play/ socialise together. Therefore it prob wouldn't occur to me not to visit someone at say 6/7pm.

I don't understand that. You must realise that most children go to bed earlier than that? It's also the normal time for evening meals too, so also not convenient.

OP - your friend asked and didn't get an answer, so she should have assumed that either you hadn't read the text or it wasn't convenient. They shouldn't have just turned up.

whiteblossom · 01/06/2014 16:35

YADNBU.

Your dh should have explained that you were upstairs getting ds & baby to sleep while trying to express milk while also mentioning that you have not slept in days due to poorly/teething ds so you are feeling worse for wear..

If I had turned up unannounced (I don't care about the text, op never responded and has said that the sender would know it had not been read, and who turns up without confirmation that its ok?!) sat on sofa and had that said to me I'd be mortified that I had turned up at such a difficult time. and would apologise and leave (or get the rubber gloves on- depends on the friend I guess)

Op's dh was expecting to be collected not have a family decend wanting drinks- two very different things.

OP, I too would have hid upstairs, sod'em when you turn up like that, you have to expect that it might not be a good time- no consideration for your family taken into account.

EEasterChick · 01/06/2014 16:35

Whoa. Two DCs under 18 months, one still a new baby, mother expressing and some of you think she's the rude one not to pretend to be pleased to see people at bedtime. YADDNBU OP. Except in not telling them, and maybe DH as well, to fuck right off. In that you were very restrained! Do NOT apologise.

mumofthemonsters808 · 01/06/2014 16:36

No, in my eyes you did the right thing, I bloody hate people who just pop over. Until she had received a reply from you saying it was convenient she should have stayed away. But no it was convenient for them to come so they decided to call regardless of whether you wanted them there or not. Nipping this is the bud now will also give them food for thought next time they decide to intrude !!(well hopefully, but the penny does not drop for some people).

Reading this back I sound very anti-social, but I would never dream of inconveniencing another family just because I was at a loose end.

whiteblossom · 01/06/2014 16:37

I second what nannyogg said.

Corygal · 01/06/2014 16:38

YANBU. I am childless and I would never do that to a woman with two babies at bedtime - even if by some freak I was already in the house I would be helping her!

FunLovinBunster · 01/06/2014 17:07

YADDDDDDDNBU.
Why do people do this?
Also at mealtimes.
And phoning at bedtime.
Growls.

Artandco · 01/06/2014 17:14

Nannyogg- no. Everyone on mn seems to have children asleep at 6/7pm. Everyone we know in real life puts to bed at 9pm. Everyone in real life works until 6pm, picks kids up from childcare then has 7-9pm to cook dinner, eat, bath kids, etc. Maybe in your life people do that but in ours they don't.

ViviPru · 01/06/2014 17:17

If I had turned up unannounced... sat on sofa and had that said to me I'd be mortified that I had turned up at such a difficult time. and would apologise and leave

Exactly this. And I'd get the squirm-arse every time I thought about it afterwards.

trikken · 01/06/2014 17:22

Sorry I love people popping over. Personally I think you both didn't act the best. If they got no reply they should have presumed no tp coming over, but you could have popped a nicer outfit on/dressing gown etc and come down for 5 mins or got dh to say you were in bed or something.

higgle · 01/06/2014 17:25

I se your point, OP, but in that situation ( and i was involved in several similar ones myself when the children were little) I'd have got up, lept into the shower, wet hair combed back or in ponytail, lipstick, jeans adn a bright top/scarf or bifg necklace and just got on with it. You would probably have found that some company, a glas of wine and a change of routine would have had a good effect.

Koothrapanties · 01/06/2014 17:34

Yanbu! I would hate this.

There are two types of people, those with immaculate homes and flexible children (who are possibly imaginary) and those like me with messy homes and a routine that saves our sanity. Dd is a pretty poor sleeper and if her bedtime routine is disturbed it can make things very difficult.

My home is visitor ready for approximately 5 minutes during the day, so if you miss that window and turn up unannounced, it's going to be a mess!

mindthegap79 · 01/06/2014 17:36

YANBU. It's all very well to say leap in the shower and get on with it, but if the dcs won't then get to bed then it's not an option.

That said, I'm one of those people who needs warning when people are coming round, lest they see how we really live (dishes piled, pants on door handles, toothpaste marks on sink etc Grin)

Koothrapanties · 01/06/2014 17:36

Higgle and what exactly would have happened to the ops ds in that situation? Would he be just left to scream in teething coldy misery?

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 01/06/2014 17:46

YANBU

They should not have come over after not getting a reply to the text. No way would I be jumping in the shower and just getting on with it.