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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Turning up unannounced at bedtime

116 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 15:13

Right...trying to get my head round this
I have a 4 month old DD and a 17 month old DS. I'm exclusively expressing for DD so got my hands quite full

DS is a reliably brilliant sleeper (we know we are very lucky) from 7 - 7. Basically, we just had to do his routine, pop him in his cot and he went off to sleep.

However, in the lady two weeks, he has started nursery for two afternoons a week plus us majorly teething and had a bad cold and sore throat. This means that he had started getting up at 6 or 5, worse. Plus needs help at night to get to sleep. One or either of us has to lie in our bed with him til he starts to fall asleep or he screams blue murder in his cot. Thankfully in the last two days, he seems to be going back to normal but we've found it a bit hard as we don't really have any coping strategies as he's akwYs slept very well

Last night, DH was going out to watch the boxing. He agreed that one of his friends would come and pick him up. The house was a mess with dirty washing wtc to be carried down to the utility room, toys all over the place and the dinner things to be cleared up

I was also a bit worried that DS would have trouble going to sleep as I would be in my own plus I had DD and needed to fit in the expressing

So, anyway, DH sees his friend appear from the window. I'm lying on our bed with DS and DD is in her cot. Suddenly, I hear the door slamming really loudly and some crashing and banging downstairs. DS has been dozing but bounces up and starts shouting: "what dat? What dat?"

I have three day unwashed hair and am in my pyjamas so not relishing going downstairs to see wtf is going on. I then hear DH's voice and, I think, the voice of his friend. So, not wanting to cause any embarrassment, I call and ask DH if he can come upstairs and help me

DH comes upstairs and tells me that his friend, his wife and their two children have just turned up unannounced to have a drink with us.

Obviously, I'm trying to get DS to sleep, the house is a shit tip and I'm in pyjamas. I tell DH that this is really not convenient, the noise (the crashing was one of the children crashing DS' wooden truck with bricks into a door then chucking the bricks out) is keeping DS up and could they please find somewhere else it have a drink as I actually want to be able to come downstairs once DS has gone to sleep to have something to eat and get my expressing stuff etc

DH pops back upstairs 5 minutes later to say they are all heading out. Fine

Once they leave, much later I eventually locate my phone that has been out of battery for the last 12 hours at least, charge it and find a text from the friend's wife asking if they can come over. I've obviously not read it til then (which she would see as we both have iPhones) and obviously not replied

Then, today, DH tells me that he hopes them having to leave has t caused any "awkwardness". I was Shock and Confused because I think any "awkwardness" was caused by then turning up totally unannounced at a time when most people would be putting children if our age to bed. I really wouldn't dream of it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
scarletforya · 01/06/2014 17:48

Yanbu.

They were though for calling unannounced at bedtime.

Joysmum · 01/06/2014 18:00

The time or kids wouldn't make any difference, my family and friends all know and agree that we do not people just popping in unless they've phoned first.

YANBU

KeepOnPloddingOn · 01/06/2014 18:06

YAnBU. You are exhausted no doubt, overwhelmed im sure and probably frustrated with ds routine being screwed (I am going rough same :( )

I would have done exact same. They surely wouldn't expect you to atleast say hi, as others have suggested. Not if they have kids, they'd understand what a nightmare I can be getting a baby off.

hackmum · 01/06/2014 18:50

YANBU!

Both those stages - the 17 month old stage and the 4 month old stage - are really hard. You must be exhausted, OP.

And you didn't reply to the text (from what you say, your friend could see that you hadn't even read it). So that should have given her a clue.

MrsJossNaylor · 01/06/2014 19:10

YABU, and rude, I'm afraid. They weren't entirely unexpected and bedtime routines can be altered for friends' visits.

Animation · 01/06/2014 19:11

Not rude at all. Do what you need to do when your kids are small.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 19:20

They were totally unexpected. The agreement was for the friend to toot the horn and pick up DH

For all those saying, alter routines etc? Would you not express for your 4 month old baby?

What about an ill 17 month old? Is he to be left to scream in his cot or taken downstairs to scream at the visitors? He is ill.

Why is DD's need for milk and DS' need for medicine/comfort to be superseded by the wishes if adults for a drink and a chat. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
bubalou · 01/06/2014 19:21

YANBU - it sounds like such a silly thing to some but I like to think there is a special place reserved in hell for the oblivious idiots that do shit like this!

We have family friends who do this - their best one though was when DS was born. I gave birth @ 10pm in local birthing unit. Slept there the night with baby and DH. Immediate family - my parents and DH parents came to see baby the next morning who at this point is only 14 hours old and they turn up! Uninvited! WTF!!!ConfusedConfusedConfused

I literally wanted to kill them. Twats.

Billygoats · 01/06/2014 19:22

I don't believe your were rude. I would have hated visitors too in that state.

But I'm confused were they the ones meant to be taking DH to the boxing? If they were then they weren't unannounced if they weren't then why didn't DH just say 'I'm leaving soon so we can't entertain' or did he expect you to entertain alone while he went out?

eddielizzard · 01/06/2014 19:27

yanbu. in fact good on you!

Foodylicious · 01/06/2014 19:31

I think they were very rude, if she did not get a reply from you she have had her dh call your dh about it.

Even my close friends would not just turn up at my door

Clutterbugsmum · 01/06/2014 19:50

What about an ill 17 month old? Is he to be left to scream in his cot or taken downstairs to scream at the visitors? He is ill.

Why is DD's need for milk and DS' need for medicine/comfort to be superseded by the wishes if adults for a drink and a chat. Am I missing something?

Not in my world. I think they were rude, and so was your DH.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 01/06/2014 19:54

Yanbu

They should have known not to come in when you didn't respond to the text inviting themselves over.

Oh very Envy of the normally decent sleeper toddler you have but expressing for the 4 month old sounds hard work, well done

gamerchick · 01/06/2014 19:54

I don't think I would have minded the popping over.. but people bringing their bloody kids over when they've come for a drink, royally get's on my norks. I've ditched friends who did that repeatedly because their kids always trashed the house and wanted running around after. Just no!

You did the right thing anyroad, you had enough on your plate.

QOD · 01/06/2014 19:59

Oh ..... Wasn't unannounced as such as she had text ... I'm on the fence

fledermaus · 01/06/2014 20:03

Rude to turn up uninvited. Texting to announce you're going to turn up uninvited without waiting for a reply is possibly even more rude.

Itsfab · 01/06/2014 20:05

YANBU

They were clearly uninvited and also unannounced given that the OP didn't get the message.

Your dh is being a prat though saying he hopes you aren't feeling any awkwardness towards the friends. Why should you? You did nothing wrong.

They were in the wrong. You don't just turn up when you have messaged to ask if you can go round and get no response.

CanaryYellow · 01/06/2014 20:06

YANBU.

Did your DH really not realise that it wasn't a good time for entertaining? Did he really need you to tell him that? And now he's worried about awkwardness? Astonishing.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 20:07

I only got the text about 4 hours after they had come and gone. I had not read it or replied. Phone was dead.

The plan was, as per usual, the friend would toot and DH would pop out. Same as when DH picks up the friend. The DC and I have never turned up unannounced then and barged in.

Interestingly, in an attempt to move on, I texted today as we were going out for an early tea to see if they would like to come. No response!

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 01/06/2014 20:08

YANBU in any shape or form!

I do think your DH should have been a bit quicker off the mark at letting them know how busy you were etc... without having to be told.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 20:10

To be fair, they might have not got it.

I intend to be terribly British and never mention this again

However, I don't give two fucks if they are pissed of and I will never apologise.

I've told DH that any "awkwardness" was entirely caused by their behaviour. It's not like I invited them round rhenfiukdnt be arsed to come down the stairs

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 20:13

To be fair to DH, he said one of the kid's feet was in the door before he knew what was happening

Agree he should have been quicker of the mark but what is annoy

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 20:15

Annoying me more is his bloody minded insistence in urging me to "see their point of view" rather than just being able to agree is was just bloody rude.

If he says "everyone's different" to me one more time I may gave to poke him in the eye

OP posts:
restandpeace · 01/06/2014 20:22

No way ur at all

MrsCripps · 01/06/2014 20:25

My Dc never went to bed at 9pm - they would have been hysterical with tiredness!

YANBU
My DC are 19 and 16 - we would all be Hmm if visitors arrived unannounced and we were in our PJs ( usually around 7pm)Grin

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