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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Turning up unannounced at bedtime

116 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 15:13

Right...trying to get my head round this
I have a 4 month old DD and a 17 month old DS. I'm exclusively expressing for DD so got my hands quite full

DS is a reliably brilliant sleeper (we know we are very lucky) from 7 - 7. Basically, we just had to do his routine, pop him in his cot and he went off to sleep.

However, in the lady two weeks, he has started nursery for two afternoons a week plus us majorly teething and had a bad cold and sore throat. This means that he had started getting up at 6 or 5, worse. Plus needs help at night to get to sleep. One or either of us has to lie in our bed with him til he starts to fall asleep or he screams blue murder in his cot. Thankfully in the last two days, he seems to be going back to normal but we've found it a bit hard as we don't really have any coping strategies as he's akwYs slept very well

Last night, DH was going out to watch the boxing. He agreed that one of his friends would come and pick him up. The house was a mess with dirty washing wtc to be carried down to the utility room, toys all over the place and the dinner things to be cleared up

I was also a bit worried that DS would have trouble going to sleep as I would be in my own plus I had DD and needed to fit in the expressing

So, anyway, DH sees his friend appear from the window. I'm lying on our bed with DS and DD is in her cot. Suddenly, I hear the door slamming really loudly and some crashing and banging downstairs. DS has been dozing but bounces up and starts shouting: "what dat? What dat?"

I have three day unwashed hair and am in my pyjamas so not relishing going downstairs to see wtf is going on. I then hear DH's voice and, I think, the voice of his friend. So, not wanting to cause any embarrassment, I call and ask DH if he can come upstairs and help me

DH comes upstairs and tells me that his friend, his wife and their two children have just turned up unannounced to have a drink with us.

Obviously, I'm trying to get DS to sleep, the house is a shit tip and I'm in pyjamas. I tell DH that this is really not convenient, the noise (the crashing was one of the children crashing DS' wooden truck with bricks into a door then chucking the bricks out) is keeping DS up and could they please find somewhere else it have a drink as I actually want to be able to come downstairs once DS has gone to sleep to have something to eat and get my expressing stuff etc

DH pops back upstairs 5 minutes later to say they are all heading out. Fine

Once they leave, much later I eventually locate my phone that has been out of battery for the last 12 hours at least, charge it and find a text from the friend's wife asking if they can come over. I've obviously not read it til then (which she would see as we both have iPhones) and obviously not replied

Then, today, DH tells me that he hopes them having to leave has t caused any "awkwardness". I was Shock and Confused because I think any "awkwardness" was caused by then turning up totally unannounced at a time when most people would be putting children if our age to bed. I really wouldn't dream of it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 01/06/2014 20:28

I think DH should have said "Actually it's not a great time as DS is ill and DW is just putting him to bed." but I can see why he might have been startled if he wasn't expecting to see the children.

We used to sometimes have people over and they'd arrive just after bedtime and I was horrid and used to expect them to be deathly quiet Blush But DS was such a nightmare and distractable to get to bed that it was necessary.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 20:31

bub - that is so awful. I think I would started crying

OP posts:
HippyPottyMouth · 01/06/2014 20:37

I don't mind people popping round, but if I'm putting the baby to bed it's 100% up to DH to entertain them. Noisy children would not be welcome. Depending on who it was I'd pop down and see them once baby was in bed, unwashed hair or not, but I'd be dressed, I'm not a pyjama person unless going to bed. Unexpected visitors are trying their luck, and I don't think there's anything wrong with telling them it's not convenient.

quietbatperson · 01/06/2014 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Superworm · 01/06/2014 20:40

YANBU. Pre DC I loved impromptu guests and it was the start of many a great evening.

Post DC I'm not so keen. A good friend on her own is one thing but a whole family or DH's friends - no way. I'd feel massively self conscious unwashed and unprepared.

I'm surprised they thought it was ok tbh. I would never dream if popping in on a friend with a toddler and baby unless I had been invited.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 20:43

I was going to bed - the minute the babies had gone to sleep Grin

I think what is annoying me - which is probably a bit unfair - is that I am usually very tidy and I'm cross about peoe appearing when the house was superficially a mess as I usually tidy up after dinner whilst DH puts DS to bed. That's not their fault but the friend's DW is a bit judgey pants!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 20:45

quiet - I'll give you a leg up. He's 6 foot 6!

Actually, can a 6 foot 6 man not stop achils getting in the door?!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 01/06/2014 20:49

YANBU. People shouldn't invite themselves for a drink or meal or whatever. I agree that if they didn't get a reply they should have assumed it's a no and not just turned up.

LingDiLong · 01/06/2014 20:51

I don't think either of you were unreasonable actually. If it were a competition and I had to pick the most reasonable person in the scenario it would be you, the OP. But I don't think it was the most awful, terrible thing to pop round after sending a text. If I had been the pop-round-ee, I wouldn't have been remotely put out if I'd been told it wasn't a good time.

Silverdaisy · 01/06/2014 21:06

Do you have neighbours? If you do, then your friends tooting the horn outside is quite inconsiderate of the neighbours right to peace and quiet.

MrsLiamNeeson · 01/06/2014 21:17

YANBU. I can't stand people who don't get the "witching hour" and decide that it's a great idea to pop in/phone for a chat at 7pm. Especially those who already have children - surely they should remember what it's like!

It's taken my dad 6 long years to figure out that I won't answer the phone for a long chat between 6 and 7. He's lucky I speak to him at all at this point

Oldraver · 01/06/2014 21:24

I think they were rude and your DH a bit dim..

But whats with the 'scarecrow, not washed hair in three days' about ? I take it your DH has managed to get washed and dressed ? Why is he ot making making time for you to be able to do so ?

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 21:39

Normally I do wash my hair every day - when DS had his lovely three hour sleep

However, since Thursday, he had totally refused to sleep at all during the day and insisted I carried him everywhere.

I had had showers but not washed my hair so it was looking quite horrid by Saturday night -as I was nearly tearing it out!

I now have total empathy with anyone who had a DC with sleep problems. Thankfully, DS went into his cot quite happily at 7 tonight so I pray the worst is over

I may go outside and in considerately toot the car horn to celebrate joke!

OP posts:
Artandco · 01/06/2014 21:50

Sorry still don't see it as rude. If you really had to be upstairs then just come down say your busy and disappear, or bring toddler down to say hi and do bed 30 mins later. No one is going to care what you look like. However surely shower with baby/ toddler around needs to be practiced? There must be days when you wake and want shower in morning? Put baby in car seat or bouncer in bathroom, and toddler in bathroom with toys

Silverdaisy · 01/06/2014 21:58

Just saying as someone may post an AIBU - Why at bed time does my neighbour have friends beeping their horns? Do they not realise I am trying to get my children to sleep!

You are tired, which I can understand. But clearly not thinking about the rest of the world.

I personally don't want unexpected visitors either.

The girl sent you a text, she may not understand that you can see if someone has read it or not. That being said I would have then called to double check the message gad been received.

PoundingTheStreets · 01/06/2014 21:59

Some people like unnannounced visitors, others don't. I tend to fall in to the former camp and I have friends who fall into both. I arrange social get-togethers very differently with each type. I don't think anyone has to be in the "wrong" camp here, you're just different.

That said, I'd have thought that long-standing friends would know which you'd prefer, and therefore while they might take the chance that an impromptu visit might be well received, they would also be prepared for the fact that it might not and slink off without offence taken if that was the case.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 22:04

I've said I had a shower - every day when DS sleeps. However, he's not slept at all during the day for the past few days and insisted that he's with me. I've managed a shower whilst he screeches in the shower with me but skipped hair drying and make up. Which I was quite happy to do as I didn't intend to see anyone.

We'll have to agree to disagree on the rest. I don't feel obliged to take my ill DC downstairs to see uninvited guests. Not least because I wouldn't want to pass anything on.

Plus - I don't think anyone who had not fed their DC with exclusively expressed milk knows what a total PITA it is. How it needs to be done at quite specific times - particularly when you basically have two babies to look after.
I express at 7:30 or as close as I can. I'm not sacking that off to make polite chit chat with people that I don't want I my house.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 01/06/2014 22:06

Surely it's a bit rude in the first place to invite yourself for a drink, and then come anyway after not having had a reply? YADNBU. I am shocked that anyone could think it's a good idea to pop in with two kids for a drink at 7. I would nt dream of inviting myself.

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 01/06/2014 22:10

YADDNBU, and you know this. Expressing requires privacy, unlike bf, and if your DH knew you were in a mess, about to express, and trying to get DS down, he's a prat for not telling them to bugger off. They are prats for turning up at a classic bedtime, too, but your DH should have handled them. He knows this, which is why he's refusing to agree with you. Men seem to hate admitting their prattishness.

I am quite tall, so I can reach to poke him in the eye.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 22:11

We don't have neighbours near enough by to be bothered by one horn toot at 7pm at night, just to pit your mind at rest

Our closest neighbours who might be disturbed are fine about that. We're good friends with them an have actually asked when they came over for drinks. They're more concerned that their two university student DC disturb us when they rock up pissed in taxis at funny times of the night. We're not bothered about that but have said please do tell us if we make any excess noise with the DC but they have assured us not. I don't think DH's friend tooting his horn once on our drive a maximum of twice a year is a problem for them - particularly as they don't go to bed at 7pm. They're pretty live and let live which we are too as their DC have shouty friends and taxis etc most weekend and usually Wednesday nights too.

But that's life in an urban area

If you do have noisy neighbours though silver, you should speak to them

OP posts:
Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 22:14

men seem to hate admitting their prattishness.

Yes - this!

To be honest, humpty, I nearly missed your post as I was so busy justifying DH's friend's horn tooting activities.Grin

He does not have a dukes of hazard horn and that is my last word on the matter!

OP posts:
Superworm · 01/06/2014 22:15

You don't have to explain the unwashedness op. Plenty of us have been there with small DC's.

I just have the one and have periods like that when he is ill. He's also a terrible sleeper so bed times have often been fraught.

PMSL at throw a necklace on or pop down for a bit with over tired DC...if only!

BauerTime · 01/06/2014 22:17

You are quite in the right here OP. You don't need to justify yourself or apologise at all.

My parents (who know that DS goes up to do bath and bedtime at 7pm) have a habit of turning up at 6:55pm to visit and it drives me bonkers. Apparently they can't come at 6 as they simply must have dinner first as its not possible to have it an hour later and see their grandson first. Its much better to have him turn into an exhausted fraught mess just before bed time. For them. Its me who has to wrestle him to sleep after they have gone home to put their feet up and that's before DH and i even think about our dinner!

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/06/2014 22:21

I'm actually wondering what on earth type of necklace I could have thrown on that would have made my pyjamas look like some kind of cocktail outfit. I need to get over to style & beauty. Is it like the mumsnet scarf?!

Plus - and humpty can vouch for this as she knows me on facebook - I am not one of those lucky souls who can slick back their wet hair and apply a dab of lipstick before descending my stairs like Norma Desmond to wow my --uninvited guests.

OP posts:
MrsKCastle · 01/06/2014 22:23

Yanbu. They were rude to turn up without checking that it was ok.

I have only a couple of friends who I would consider close enough that I could turn up on their doorstep without arranging something in advance. And even with them, I would never expect to be invited in if it wasn't convenient. I certainly wouldn't feel you had acted rudely, I'd just apologize for the bad timing.