Being treated differently then sister in law

[Lancashiregal10]

Basically sister in law has a four year old and we have a 10 month old. Sister in law is a single parent (she adopted as a single parent).
A bit of background at the time of adopting me and DH thought we could not have children and would find it hard to be approved as adopters as I have uncontrolled epilepsy (been through process and told this). SIL then suddenly decides she wants to adopt as a single parent (fine, no issue with this). When she was approved she tells my DH that "she will finally have something that we don't have". Now she has always been like this so we are a bit disgusted but we both shrug it off.
She has always had her mum and dad (my DH parents) pay for everything and they practically bring up her child for her. (Again if she and inlaws are ok with this its their issue, we can afford stuff she can't and its none of our business how her child is brought up).
Anyway fast forward to me and DH having child that we never though we could (cue major paddies and childish from SIL but that is another story).
But now we are finding her little boy is being treated so different then ours. They never have time to spend with ours (apart from one afternoon a week which they look after and we are very gratefull for)
If we arrange to do something with them at weekend SIL butts in and they end up bein with her (apparently we can't do stuff togther as SIL hates me and does not want to spend time with me)
We have to provide all milk, food, nappies for that one half day a week yet They have SILs kid fours days and she provides nothing.
They are always buying nephew toys but none our little boy. The rare times we are all together inlaws give all attention to nephew and intoned our little boy.
Last year when DS was six months we had arranged to go away with them for a week to the Peak District but due to SIL kicking up fuss that she could not cope, they only came for a night however they go away with SIL a least four weeks a year (all paid for by them) and we are never invited as again SIL hates me (My crime was marring her brother and even worse then that proving to be fertile after all)
Until now we did not give a toss but now we are starting to see the differences between inlaws treatment of our little boy and nephews already.
Maybe we are just being anal. DH has taked to his mum and dad but its a case of SIL needs them and we don't. Which is true we don't but we want our little boy to feel as close to them as nephew does and not feel left out
Tell me please if being unreasonable

Can I just interject here and say Phaedra you are a woman of substance and dignity. Good on ya!

and that Racine's play is one I did (to death) at school and university.

Phaedra to me will always spell a woman who swore inanimate objects were out to get her. I know the feeling.

I have never come across the name in any other context (though I know Racine's story was a borrowed one) so I have not a clue what Razzle is driving at!

The GPs are in control of this relationship, they are playing the sibs off against each other. Don't fall out with SIL because of the GPs inability to be fair. Stop seeing them but continue the relationship with SIL. It will change everything.

But SIL refuses to have a relationship with OP. She called her a barren bitch! Why should OP want to have anything to so with such a toxic person?

The SIL is being very toxic and I would cut her dead, but unfortunately she has a child who is innocent in all this and not his fault. I would just see him at his grandparents, or mabey they can meet at your without SIL.

Hi
Thought I would answer some queries
Nephew was adopted at 14 months, he was in foster care from birth as the mother had already had three children taken into care
He does see his siblings on area basis as they have been adopted by one family and want to keep in touch.
Maybe it just grates that I was turned down for adoption with epilepsy and SIL was approved
Inlaws took on most of her debts and paid off her mortgage so she could be approved
Haven't mentioned this before as the money really does not bother me as my and DH cope fine and are proud to be doing it ourselves.
I realise I did lose credibility with the nappies thing and that is petty
I only made the comment about pheadra not likin me as she had said in a previous post that I was self centred and not a nice person.
Also just to give you more incite into SILs personality she ran out of the house crying when we got engaged and did not speak to brother for weeks (followed by further weeks of trying to sit on his knee whenever she was with him and i was there. He soon put a stop to that)
At our wedding she sulked all day and tried to get DH to take her home after the church as she was "ill" ok she might have been but you don't pester the groom. (She did not go home)
We also had two major operations in the same year, I had a kidney out and she had a operation to remove a cist on her womb. Mine was meant to be three months before hers but it was cancelled dueto me fitting a lot. The op was resedualed for the day after hers. She went mad and said I had done it on purpose to steal her thunder.
She also has said quite a bit she thinks I am faking the seizures and indont deserve to be in the job that I am in and she would sack me if she was my boss.
DH would happily cut her out and also sticks up for me, but to his parents she can do no wrong. DH however feels a need to be close to his mum and dad.

op we dont need any more convincing of your sils nastiness.

have your pils told you the boy is disturbed do you know him to be.

how does wider family - your dh aunt and uncles view it all.

do you know why pils are so involved with the boy?

has your dh had many gf's, has your sil had any partners?

do you think you would get on better woth your pils if your sil wasnt around.

Also some posters have mentioned why dont I phone social services. And again I could be wrong but even if his grandparents are doing most of the bringing up it is better then the care system. I do wonder if I should contact them about my concerns with her adopting another, but again is it worse then a child in the care system. What do you all think?
At the end of the day we can give DS all the live he needs and so can my family buts as I have said its DH I feel for. Maybe it will improve when DS gets older.
They do go over the top with nephew though. At Christmas we went round on Christmas afternoon for a hour and nephew still had 100+ presents to open. He had opened that many he could not be bothered with the rest. Now I will explain to DS when he is older that nephew gets more presents from them as he only has one set of grandparents. I would freak if they got him that many presents anyway. So maybe all this means at least they won't totally spoil DS. Might have to keep away on Christmas Day though as DS would prob be upset as little kids would see only the amount of presents.

SIL has one relationship that lasted a week.
DH had had three girlfriends before me but he never took them home and SIL never knew. We got together when DH was 24 and I was 19 and married three years later
The grandparents look after him when SIL is working and one day when she does not work to give her a break. He stays over two nights per week.
She is with them all weekend. They do it because she says she can't cope on her own (which I understand must be hard). He even started called his granddad dad at one point.
SILs one aunt and uncle can't stand her (aunt told me this a while back) and say she is a spoilt brat and always has been. Try say she is very jealous of DH
I get one with inlaws fine when SIL is not around which is not often. Most times I just stay away now and DH takes Ds to see them. Inlaws have actually said they don't blame me for staying away but they won't challenge SIL as she is delicate.

I wouldn't phone social services.

Presents aren't everything, and can be quite a nuisance! As long as you are all healthy, happy and getting what you need. Concentrate on the positives and make your own happy family.

could you tell us your strategy moving forward, and aside from the dc being treated differently, how are the sibs treated?

are they given the same gifts at xmas...

on the day your pils have son are they attentive and loving?

how oild is sil

why only 1 bf?

how old is she and why is she delicate?

If all is exactly as you say it is, then social services will not/should not be interested in removing this little boy into care as he is perfectly adequately cared for between them. However this is a different kettle of fish to her being approved for a second and yes you should say something to her social worker - you don;t say if she is already approved or not. It will then be up to social services whether they think that her parents in effect co-parenting with her is adequate (which it may well be).

(My Ds occasionally calls his Nan "Mum" occasionally that proves nothing except that he sees them a lot which is fine).

Ask your parents to come over when present opening is over at Xmas (but tbh it will be years until he notices - maybe by 3)

If your PIL are going turn this child into another poilt brat like your SIL then breath a sigh of relief that they're not going to do it to your DS.

Your DH and his sister both sound jealous of each other to be honest and I think you need to accept that you can't change your PIL's handling of your SIL and move on from it. Feeling resentful of it doesn;t help you or change anything.

delicate

why don't they see her for the manipulative cow she is

SIL is 36. No idea why only one boyfriend, she is very much a prude so this may be part of the reason
Inlaws are fine with DS when it is just him
No they where not given the same gifts at Christmas. DS got 10 gifts (which I still think is far to many) this year it did not matter, I think we will just have to manage Christmas in the future so that DS does not find out (not sure if that is possible) any ideas?
I think I am going to move forward by telling DH he needs to have another word with his parents. I think I also need to call SiL out in her behaviour myself. I think she may back off if I do this (have always bit my tongue for DHs sake.
As for the second adoption surly social services will see at least some of this. You can't ask a little boy (nephew) to put on an act.

I think the parents are trying to make up for lack of boyfriends and friends mrs bucket.

Also SILs and DHs aunt mentioned to my that SIL would have sexual relationship with DH if she could.
Not sure about that myself but I would not shock me if she did actually fancy DH

Just do your own family Christmas. Normal and you will be happier.

IMO, no matter how damaged a child, giving 2 GC different amounts of Christmas presents is not going to be a good thing at all.

Personally I would just back off from GP. Not go NC, but stop putting yourselves in these hurtful situations.

Will DH be doing SIL a reference for a second adoption?

DH had said he will not be giving a reference for this adoption. He has said in a couple of years if SIL starts standing on her own two feet more but not now

OP - your dh's family sound very dysfunctional. I don't think you are BU at all to be worried or upset by this situation.
Aside from all the crazy SIL stuff, there is a history of the GP favouring SIL over DH, which has affected his self esteem and when he's tried to talk to them about it they don't seem to care - have I got that right?
Actually, I think your point about nappies was valid. My DP and PILs both have nappies for DGC at their houses because DGC visit regularly and are members of their family so they have stuff they need. If you PIL have nappies for DN why don't they have them for DS? Yeah, it's petty but it's indicative of a general attitude that DN is more part of their family than your DS.
The thing I'd be most concerned about is the ignoring of DS when DN is there. That's not normal. It's just not true that most people wouldn't interact with a 10 mo. My DS was so sociable at that age and would have become really upset if he'd been ignored for long periods. Why can't they give attention to both kids? What happens when you or DH aren't there and PIL have both DGC?
If I were you I would avoid his family altogether. If your DH wants to continue to try that's up to him but I'd be wary of leaving DS alone with PIL.
As for SS it sounds like DN is being cared for well enough. If you are asked about the new adoption I think all you can do is be honest.

He has said in a couple of years if SIL starts standing on her own two feet more but not now

but she is 36

why do you need him to go one afternoon why cant you stop it,

do you think this is healthy for your son...

is your nephew troubled

Also SILs and DHs aunt mentioned to my that SIL would have sexual relationship with DH if she could.
Not sure about that myself but I would not shock me if she did actually fancy DH

well she is acting like a jealous ex lover rather than a rationale sister isnt she....so I would take that on the evidence as a given.

In my mind, your SIL is now actually the Devil, crossed with Jezebel.