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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset over neighbours' fence

98 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 30/05/2014 12:43

Next door have had fencing replaced on both sides, but Ive noticed that the fence is about 6ft high on our side, but only about half this on the other side. I cant help but take this a little personally and it makes me sad as DS1 and the eldest boy from next door are great buddies & always talking to each other over the fence that was there before, now they wont be able to do this. Obviously it's their fence & they can build it how they like but I do feel upset, we've always got on well with them & have had various play dates with the boys.

Back story though: our garden is a complete tip, complete with broken down hulk of a landrover and a garage which has been half built for the last decade almost. This has been an ongoing cause of strife between DH and me and now it appears to have affected the neighbours too. DH and I have only just come through relationship counselling and I feel this has set us back months, though obviously I don't know if our garden had any part to play in the fence construction.

I don't know whether to text next door and just say something like 'I can't help but notice our fence is twice as high as it is on the other side, have we done something to offend you?' or not say anything & silently seeth/sob.

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 30/05/2014 12:44

Might it be something to do with sunlight, and the direction the garden faces in?

PotteringAlong · 30/05/2014 12:45

I think you are overthinking this massively.

PotteringAlong · 30/05/2014 12:46

Also, don't text, just ask!

Original poster

MyGastIsFlabbered · 30/05/2014 12:47

Is it normal to have two fences of different heights in a garden then?

OP posts:

Percephone · 30/05/2014 12:48

YANBU, I would be mildly offended too, however you can't blame them if your garden is a complete eyesore. I wouldn't want to look at that either.

Youdontneedacriminallawyer · 30/05/2014 12:50

I think you've answered your own question OP! you say your garden is a complete tip - not may people would want to look out on a tip, given the choice.
The reason may be something completely different though - maybe they want to grow climbing plants and your side of their garden is the best place for the sun (or shade depending on the plant). Perhaps they're planning on putting a shed there, or something else.

If the boys want to keep talking to each other without actually being in each other's houses, then how about buying some walkie talkies? My DDs used to have great fun talking to the kids next door when they were all in bed.

ClariceBeanthatsme · 30/05/2014 12:50

Maybe the owners of the house at the other side wanted a smaller fence??

gamerchick · 30/05/2014 12:51

I must admit if I was replacing a fence and next door looked like what you describe I would for a higher one so I didn't have to look at it.

Doesn't the garden drive you nuts?

HecatePropylaea · 30/05/2014 12:52

Well, tbhbe honest, it sounds to me like it is higher on your side because they want it higher. Whether that is because they don't like looking at your garden, or something to do with the children hanging over the fence at each other, who knows. I suspect it might be the state of the garden. Your description of it is certainly not great. I would probably erect a bigger fence too.

But does it matter? you have a more private garden now. That's not a bad thing.

Don't fall out with your husband over someone else's fence choice. If you want to get your garden sorted - then get it sorted. What is preventing that from happening atm and how can you change that?

BitOutOfPractice · 30/05/2014 12:53

I think they've done it because your garden is a mess. I wouldn't wantto look at it either tbh. Sorry

I'm not sure I understand why this fence has set you back in your counselling though

sparechange · 30/05/2014 12:53

If the answer comes back as 'we would rather not look at your garden in its current state', is that going to spur your DH to do anything about it, or just cause you further problems?
Because if it is the latter, perhaps it isn't worth asking questions you don't want to hear the answer to

What were the old fences like?

Terraced houses usually only own the fence on one side of the garden, so it may be that the lower fence is actually being paid for/replaced by the house on the other side and they got some say over the height of it?

MrsCampbellBlack · 30/05/2014 12:54

I think its the state of your garden sadly.

BarbarianMum · 30/05/2014 12:56

It might be because of light but most likely because your garden is a mess. Really doubt its because of your son.

RiverTam · 30/05/2014 12:57

well, it sounds like your garden is an eyesore so they've decided to take steps so they don't have to look at it anymore, which I can't blame them for.

But also - do they own both fences, that's quite unusual?

Bellezeboobian · 30/05/2014 12:58

If your garden is a mess thats why, it's hardly trying to offend you it's so they don't have to look at your shit tip of a garden.

WeAllHaveWings · 30/05/2014 12:58

Even if they have put the fence up because your garden is an eyesore

a) the boys can still chat and be friends, just not over the fence.

b) you already knew it was an eyesore, so this shouldn't affect whatever you and your dh are doing to rectify this for yourselves. I wouldn't use the neighbours action as a big stick to beat your dh with to make it a bigger issue than it already was if you are having relationship issues already.

I wouldn't approach neighbours as its possible you are right, if this is confirmed what are you going to do about it that you aren't already doing.

Concentrate on your counselling and what's more important, the neighbours have resolved their issue for themselves already.

I assume you are actively doing something about the garden too, where possible? Or is it just your dh's responsibilty to sort it all out?

Original poster

MyGastIsFlabbered · 30/05/2014 13:00

I know the garden is a nightmare, it's set up back in our relationship because DH promising to do stuff & then not doing it is a recurring theme in our relationship and one of our more major problems. The garage is causing arguements because he started it before we got together and won't budge on not having it.

I totally understand them not wanting to look at the garden but it makes me sad that they didn't mention how high it would be before it was erected, it does feel like their trying to shut us out. The fence before was half that height and I assumed it would be that height again, I didn't expect it to be taller than me. I am sad for the boys too as I said, but maybe I can suggest walkie talkies.

OP posts:

minionmadness · 30/05/2014 13:01

Sadly I am guessing they no longer wish to look at your garden... from what your describe neither would I.

The other thing to bear in mind is whose boundary is the shorter fence on, if it's your NDN's neighbour then perhaps they only agreed to it being that high?

Hopefully whatever the reason hopefully it will spur you on to get your garden a little less bleak a view for your own family.

starfishmummy · 30/05/2014 13:02

It would be unusual for the nigh our to own the fences on both sides. So maybe he owns the one between you and has opted for a higher one and the neighbours the other side was.responsible for paying for that fence and chone a lower one

BitOutOfPractice · 30/05/2014 13:02

I would get the landrover sold (eBay?) and use the money to get the garage built (by "built" I mean demolished)

Tell him that is what you are doing on 1 July and he has until then to sort it out differently if he wishes

Onesleeptillwembley · 30/05/2014 13:03

Why not use the effort you would use to tact and make a start tidying your scruffy garden.

Onesleeptillwembley · 30/05/2014 13:03

Tact = text.

Original poster

MyGastIsFlabbered · 30/05/2014 13:05

Believe me I've tried it BitOut.

I don't blame them one bit, I hate looking at our garden and I live there. I'm just sad it's come to this, and annoyed at DH. He was building a wall where the fence is now, but because he took so bloody long & never finished it this is what has happened. He now tells me that NDN intimated as much but that didn't spur him on.

OP posts:

soverylucky · 30/05/2014 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allhailqueenmab · 30/05/2014 13:11

You mean that the counselling has been set back because you feel that DH's shillyshallying over tidying the garden has damaged your friendship with the neighbours?

You know what they say - good fences make good neighbours! I would see it the opposite way - they have chosen not to get annoyed by it, build a fence so they can't see it, and therefore retain good relations with you and the friendship between your children. they have taken a very pragmatic view, partly because they value your friendship.

You can still be annoyed about the garden on your own behalf though. I would be!

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