to think SIL is in denial about my nice?

[Chucara]

my nice is 16 months old. At the moment she can't sit by her own unaided, does not crawl or walk, does not talk, does not point to things, and her eye contact is poor. My SIL thinks she is just too big and chubby to be bothered to move around and that it is a matter of time until she catch up. Apart from the fact that she is clearly developementally delayed in all aspects, my gut feeling is that there is something wrong with my nice and that she should be seen by a specialist or relevant person asap.

the thing is that i'm not close enough to my SIL to talk to her about this delicate subject and dont want to either hurt her feelings or maybe be wrong about it and regret having said anything about it!

Help Mumsnetters! what shall i do?

I would do nothing just yet... Your niece will have developmental checks and that should pick up anything significant. I know its a worry but I cannot think of a way to say to someone not close to you that you think her child has SN...especially when your SIL is clearly not receptive.

It is also very early to worry, she may just be a wee bit behind and will catch up just as your SIL thinks

Did the 1 year check not pick any of this up?

Does your SIL have contact with her HV? Would you know even if she did?

Is it your dh's sister? Or your brother's wife?

Some of what you've said suggests that your niece may be delayed, but others don't. For example, my dd wasn't saying anything at all at 16 months, or 23 months in fact, but by 25 months was ridiculously chatty! But, I think that the lack of sitting unaided would cause me to ask questions if I were her parent.

Perhaps you could speak to your own HV and ask for advice about this, rather than trying to talk to your SIL about it when you say yourself that you are not close to her.

To be honest, I'm guessing she already knows. If she has ever seen a dr, nurse or HV, they will have raised it. Did she have a development check between 10 and 12 months, do you know? Or her booster jabs at 12-13 months? As I'm sure they will have raised the subject of her child being unable to sit independently (the rest of the things you mention could come under normal development, but I'm sure not sitting by this age is a red flag).

Is this your brother's wife (in which case it's your brother's child as much as hers!), or your DH's sister? I definitely wouldn't mention anything directly, but you could mention something to your brother/DH.

Why has it not been picked up?
She at the very least needs to see a physio and salt whether your sil is in denial or not

thks for the responses! she does not live in uk but apparently has had checks with pediatrician once a month for the first year! is it normal for a 16 minth old not to do any of those things? i have two kids of my own and lots of friends with kids and even the late developers where not as late as my nice is.

When I had my daughter fifteen years ago it was flagged if not sitting by 9 months, not crawling by 14 months, not walking by 18months
The talking was less of an issue iirc

Very difficult. I have a friend with a DD who has some significant speech delay and other developmental problems. I know her well enough to know that she is not addressing the issues because she doesn't want to believe it. She has genuinely convinced herself that there is nothing to worry about.

It's hard to know what if anything to say for the best really.

What do you do? Nothing. Your SIL is not obliged to share your niece's medical information with you and as you said yourself, you're not close.

Your SIL might be aware of issues and be choosing not to label her dd to the wider family. That's ok. She is completely entitled to keep information private. Your lack of knowledge does not harm your niece. (And I speak as someone who has a close relative who has chosen not to tell the wider family that her dd is autistic.)

To a certain extent you have to trust in the services they're accessing. If they are in a developing country and you're concerned that all the health care professionals have missed something that you have identified then that is a slightly different situation. But since you're saying she sees a doctor once a month, then I'm guessing that isn't the case.

She told me today she is considering to go for the second baby soon, that's the extent of her denial ! if you see my nice is like seeing an 8 month old baby in the body of a toddler, very sad indeed. we are currently in holidays with them, i have been in the presence of this really strange situation for the last week.

i'm really hoping im wrong and that everything turns up to be just right...

you sre right APlaceInTheWinter, your comment is very much appreciated but i can't help to feel funny about it. they live in a third world country indeed, but to me this should not be a point for patronising thrm re medical info either.

My youngest DD, now 16, had LD's (not diagnosed as usual until 2.5) and developmental delay, picked up at 18 months but nothing done.

She doesn't need to see a HCP "ASAP", they don't have magic wands.

They can provide therapies at around 3, but this is then ongoing and doesn't really click in until 7-10 years old depending on the issues.

A parent can get advice for something like, sleep and eating problems but sometimes there isn't an answer and it's tough going.

My eldest, now 28 has ADHD and Dyslexia. I was always asked by family "what are they doing", in truth at times, nothing, there wasn't anything that could be fone, I had to go with the flow.

What do you think can be done "ASAP", for a 16 month old?

I agree that it's worrying that your niece isn't sitting up unaided at 16 months. I wouldn't be worried that she isn't walking/talking yet and some babies never crawl but I think by 16 months I would expect a baby to be sitting up unless there were some special needs. Have you spent much time with your niece? Is she responding to things in her environment, showing recognition of her parents, reaching out for and showing an interest in toys, showing enjoyment of simple games (eg: peekaboo) etc?

To be honest though even if you think there is definitely something wrong it is hard to approach the parents with that and if your SIL is coming up with reasons for her DD delays (eg: being chubby) then she will likely not be receptive to what you're saying. Does your SIL attend any baby groups with similar age children to her DD? If your niece is developmentally delayed and not just late catching up then it may be more apparent to your SIL when she sees what typically developing children of that age can and can't do.

If your niece is developmentally delayed in terms of her physical and/or cognitive development then early intervention is key - the sooner that this is recognised so that she receives the required help and support the better. However if your SIL is not ready to recognise she may need help then it may be difficult to help her see this and I would advise you to approach this gently. If your niece does have some special needs then this will be a hard thing for her parents to process and they may need a lot of support and time to come to terms with it initially.

Good luck speaking with your SIL and I hope that your niece gets any help and support she needs.

I used to be very concerned about a little girl my DS was at nursery with. She slept all the time, only waking to eat, didn't sit up/crawl/point/babble/smile.
DS was at nursery with her for 3 years. By the time she was 4 she had met all her milestones.

physio? im a really iletrate re sn, so your comment and wuestions are very helpful and thought provoking, thanks a lot!

"She told me today she is considering to go for the second baby soon, that's the extent of her denial "

Don't you think parents of disabled children should have any more?

Yes, it is "sad" that your Neice has issues (perhaps), but as said these things occur, even in the UK and there isn't an answer.

My DD has had intense SALT and still will never speak clearly.

It is a shock that a disabled child can be born to anyone they are indeed "Other Peoples Children" until it happens in your own.

thsnks birdsgottafly that is making me think this in a quite different way.

She told me today she is considering to go for the second baby soon, that's the extent of her denial !

I am a teacher of young children with SEN. It is not uncommon for some parents not to realise that their first child has additional needs, or the extent of their needs, until they have another child. They see their younger child making progress at a faster rate than their older child did and then gaining skills their older child with SEN still doesn't have and they realise that actually maybe their older child does need additional help and support.

Hopefully if your niece does have additional needs they will be picked up on sooner than that of course, but it must be difficult if they are in a developing country where the education and understanding around special needs is not where it is here. In some countries there is still a lot of stigma around children and people with special needs/ disabilities as well. Knowing your child may not be accepted by society or be able to go to school or lead a relatively normal life must make it harder for parents to consider that their child may have additional needs in such countries.

It wouldn't be Physio it would be Occupational Therapy, possibly, after an Assessment.

She could have a muscular issue, but if she isn't generally hitting her milestones, then it sounds like a few things could be going on.

Is there not a very good health system in this other country.

Ime some cultures there at every different attitudes to disabilities especially learning disabilities.

Therefore I think you have to take this into consideration when broaching the subject.

She may be scared of discrimination or exclusion.

thank you chesterberry that is a really good point to make!

i'm not a great beliver in any medical system to be honest...mum knows best, so i guess i have to start trusting my sil's gut instinct as a mum and forget about all this!

Hello Chucara,
I posted something very similar a while ago about my niece who I felt had developmental delay and BIL and SIL who were in denial. I was absolutely flamed for being interfering, worrying unnecessarily etc I was given good advice by some parents who had experienced this problem and had not wanted to face it or discuss it.

I think you are right to be worried but the bottom line is that you can be there for help but other than a gentle suggestion to see GP or HV you cannot push things as people have to deal with this in their own time and in their own way.

I hope you don't get a flaming. There are a lot of mumsnetters who feel very strongly about this issue and can be harsh.

it is strange to notice other cultural differences too. they force feed our nice, which i find really difficult to watch.

Can't sit up by herself at 16 months would worry me. Just how chubby is she? Is it even likely to be a factor?
It's really tricky - do you have a Mil that you can voice your concerns to? Your SIL might be more open to her mum suggesting a check up than you or her brother.