to ask what is the most trivial reason you have ended a relationship

[BauerTime]

Mine is for referring to the 69 position as 'summer of 69ing' and condoms ss 'rubber johnnies'.

It just made my skin crawl and there was no coming back from that!

White jeans.
Annoying throat clearing.
Bald patch.

Those are the three worst.

He brought fresh morning rolls and the Sunday newspapers to my door at about 8 in the morning.I was still in bed with a hangover. His chirpyness just pi$$ed me off completely. His poor wee face, wondering what he had done still haunts me.

Well this wasn't a relationship or anything but stopped me dead in my tracks on a date: wore a woolly pale blue cardigan to dinner at a smart restaurant in central London.

When I had the realisation that because we weren't completely fluent in each others' languages we would never be able play Scrabble.

(There aren't enough 'L's to play it in French anyway!)

I often think towards the end of a relationship it's the most trivial things that push you over the edge...

Here's a list of things my ex husband did that drove me to the point of divorce -

He'd eat crisps in the bathroom while waiting for his bath to run and leave the empty packet in the bathroom bin.
He would eat lying down on the floor perched up on his elbows.
He'd do a disgusting fart and then laugh and leave the room.
He wouldn't think twice about going out the front of the house in just a pair of white pants, which all had holes in.
He'd wear fake tan to bed.
He'd wear Palmers cocoa butter to bed (boak).

Ah that feels better. :)

Oh, and there was another guy I dumped because he had a thumb-penis. Yes, it was no larger than a thumb. On the hand of a very petite woman.

Winking at me. And calling me babe. At the same time.

Held his knife like a pen. Held his knife like a pen. Held his knife like a pen. Held his knife like pen!!!!!

I had forgotten how much it upset me.

I thought his head was out of proportion to his body...

4 different blokes;

Still smelled of garlic the morning after.

Small dick.

Wore socks in bed.

Had large lips so was like kissing a fish (I imagine).

Cabbages his name wasn't Lestat was it?

My dp wears clean socks to bed but that's because he doesn't want to touch me with his icy cold feet.

#1 - he shaved off his lovely thick beard and revealed a very weak chin.

#2 - He signed off a text message with wuv woo hunni-bun xxxx (That still hits me right in my vomit-reflex just thinking about it.)

#3 - He didn't like my cat. And my cat didn't like him.

#4 - I hated his big stupid white trainers, which he loved, and wore constantly. With black jeans. Eurgh.

#5 - He snored like a pig sucking jelly through a straw.

#6 - He insisted on wearing flip flops in the summer despite having disgusting gnarly hairy claw feet of doom.

There have been others

Refused to name his favourite member of Take That in lighthearted pub conversation the first time he met my parents as he "didnt like to involve himself with pop culture". When my dad asked if he wanted another drink he said "no I try to control myself thanks"

Took me to Paris but would not drink more than one drink a night and would tell me I had a problem if I wanted to order a bottle!

My dad was very pleased when i dumped him

He turned up to the second date in the most hideous jumper. Think 1980's black & cream chevron stripe with a shawl collar. I just couldn't fancy him after that, fickle I know.

Mr Wang...haha!

Ive just thought of another one!

Was at a restaurant discussing which wine to order, second date. He proclaimed he 'knew about wine' so would choose one for us. Waitress cones over and he orders a bottle of pinnot griggo'. I wanted the ground to swallow me up i was so embarrassed!

Oh no, a wannabe wine buff! Good call Bauer.

I've never been anything other than wholly rational. A friend of mine with a very high turnover of girlfriends once dumped girls for a) getting a bit sweaty walking a long way in a hot summer in New York and b) didn't like her carpet

I disagreed with him about Kenneth Clark.

There was a collection of possibly trivial things and other less trivial, but the last drop was how he came to kiss me with his tongue already sticking out. Ewwww.

small eyes

phoning me to say he was going out to buy 'fresh ingredients' when he was planning to cook me a meal

a strange unwashed smell from the pants area

a grubby dressing gown with crusty armpits

saying 'whereupon' in every story he told

All different men.

Bad jeans.

Oh just thought of some more.

hairless legs

a collection of stretchy saliva in the corners of his mouth

swearing in the morning as soon as he woke

I turned up to meet him in a pub. Online dating, photo had looked normal.

He was sitting there with a bald head and a ginger ZZ Top beard. About 220 years older than he had said. Wearing a tracksuit. He clocked me, said, "are you revenge" I said, "yes, I'll just grab a drink" and walked over to the bar and out that door. Didn't look back.