To feel free to use other children's toys in the sandpit?

[HarderToKidnap]

We go to lots of parks with our 2.4yo DS. He loves the sandpit and often we take our own spades etc, although sometimes we forget and sometimes go somewhere adhoc and don't have things with us, or go to a new place where we don't realise there is a sandpit.

Now, often in communal sandpits there are various buckets and spades lying around looking abandoned. I always feel free to give these to DS to use, having had a quick peek round for the owner. If after I pick up the spade I can't see anyone looking territorial, I will just give it to him to use. I keep an eye out for anyone coming near us spadeless, so I can quickly check with them whether the spade is theirs, and leave the stuff where i found it when we're ready to go. If I abandon my spade whilst DS toddles off to another attraction and I see someone else using it, I never mind. Just part of being at the park.

Anyway, got a mouthful off someone the other day for using a bucket they'd left in the pit. They'd stuck some paper pictures onto the bucket and one had come off. I'd noticed this before picking up the bucket, which had been laid there a good twenty minutes before DS picked it up. I stashed the paper pic safely and was intending to leave it in the bucket when we left. To reiterate pic had already come off bucket and was next to it. They were REALLY cross about the use of the bucket and obv thought we'd caused the pic to come off.

Discussing with friends today, there seems to be an even split between those who thought I was hideous for using someone else's toys, and those who thought mouthy mother was a lunatic. MN Jury, what say ye?

P.S., I'm not intending to change my behaviour at all, btw, regardless of MN consensus. I love the give and take in the sandpit and have had nothing but positive interactions with other mums and kids re the sharing of toys, save this one incident. This AIBU is purely for information gathering purposes!

Pixel My parents just put me and DB in charge of getting our own toys back. My son is non-verbal and couldn't ask for his things back. Why should I have kept replacing things because other kids saw his as fair game? I never minded sharing toys (we had some brilliant diggers that all the kids loved) but it is nice to be asked first and for them to be brought back when the game is over, not just abandoned elsewhere for me to go and track down, or for someone to argue about whether they should be given back. It's about showing some respect for another person's property and the fact that it might be of value to them.

How come all those saying "it's just a bucket" are the ones who don't appear to supply any for their own children but expect to use other people's? They might be fairly inexpensive but they don't appear out of thin air.

I live in Spain which has very different social rules to the UK. In the parks here, all toys are shared and children are encouraged to play with each others toys.

My little boy always takes his ride on bike to the park. He parks it and then other children will play with it until he gets back from the slide or whatever. If an older child took it then normally he will give it back, but if the child is under 2 and doesnt understand the concept of sharing then we normally let them keep it for a bit longer

Our children are our next generation. Let them share and be social, otherwise we have no chance! The concept of unique ownership and selfishness should be discouraged

But for god's sake don't just leave it there and expect me to spend my entire time trying to stop my toddler going anywhere near it like it's the flipping Mona Lisa or something. To my mind the thoughtlessness of leaving another parent to deal with that situation far outweighs any "bad manners" of them letting their child use it.

But that seems bizarre too. So anything that is in the way of temptation for your toddler is other peoples fault? How about no? Or distraction? Rather than using other peoples things without asking to make your life easier?

rolling over with laughter. This thread is sooooooo funny. Uptight anyone?

E.g.
"Its about teaching appropriate behavior. You can't say oh well, that isn't worth much so I will take the decision to borrow it. Where do you stop? Where do you teach a child to stop? At a bucket? A ball? A pair of roller skates? A bike? A car?"

This is brilliant. "Where do you stop"? Maybe by applying common sense? A bucket is a bucket, a car is a car and all. Do you really think that babies and toddlers who make sand castles with borrowed equipment end up stealing cars or become shoplifters? That's how it all starts hej?

Oh my lord, most dc are used to helping themselves to plastic toys in a sandpit. If, as a parent you wish to spend the time at the playground policing your dd's plastic tat, feel free. It'll just make you a miserable person and a laughing stock to less stuck up parents. I am picturing someone explaining to all the playground babies and toddlers in a loud and overbearing voice "that's my precious dc's spade, give it back right now" .

The views on this thread are proof that when people own more (e.g. Are materialistically well off for example I the first word) they also become more stingy and possessive.

Relax people, it is just the playground and it is just a flipping plastic bucket.

Label your possessions if you don't want to share.

How come all those saying "it's just a bucket" are the ones who don't appear to supply any for their own children but expect to use other people's?

That's a pretty big leap. We take our own, but I wouldn't leave them for 20 minutes and wander far out of sight, and still expect them to even be there when I got back.

Not uptight bluetub, its a debate. And as I already said, I don't desperately have a huge issue with children borrowing stuff, although personally I prefer to teach my dc manners Although you are obviously identify as one of those people who take before asking too.

I always do this, and always let other children play with our stuff - it's one of the unwritten rules of the sandpit, isn't it? If you leave your stuff lying about some other child might play with it until you come back.

If DS wants something back and is too shy to ask I just ask for him.

If it's a special toy you don't want to share, the answer is surely just to keep track of it? If it's a cheap plastic spade you're not particularly attached to, leave it in the sandpit while you play elsewhere and then come back for it later.

Brian - I covered that in a post up thread:

"I think the thing which irritates me with the "don't touch" stance is that I take my toddler to playgrounds/sandpits as a place for them to let off steam and explore their environment with the minimum of adult intervention. It is supposed to be carefree play, a break for both of us from the rest of the time when rules are much stricter. As long as they are not in (too much) danger or putting other children at risk I want to be able to largely leave them to it while I watch from a distance. "

Putting me in a position where I have to keep intervening/distracting them makes the whole experience far less enjoyable for both of us, when the alternative is letting them play with a toy that isn't being used (and where the owner can't easily be identified) or of course the owner could just not leave it lying around if it is that precious to them. An act which is simple for them makes a big difference to other people's enjoyment of the space - why wouldn't they want to do that?

I don't think it matters that much if a toddler picks up an abandoned toy. But you shouldn't assume that all toys are for communal use.

Come on, if you don't want toddlers to touch your stuff then obviously you don't abandon your stuff in a sandpit!

No one can really argue that they are shocked and appalled at a 3 year old playing with a discarded toy

Why would anyone abandon a toy in a sand pit if they didn't expect it to be in communal use though?

I wouldn't like it either.
If the dc were playing together and parent/child were happy to share then yes that's ok.
I have always taught mine that just because something is left doesn't mean the person won't be back for it and that they need it themselves.
What if we were to break it etc.

I didn't realise sandpit etiquette differed from any other 'rules'. On beaches there are always abandoned toys, bats balls, water play items. But they belong to somebody and aren't there for somebody to pick them up if they like the thought of playing with them for a while. Must mug up on the rules of the sandpit.

It's not always things that are 'left lying around' though is it? I've lost count of the times slightly older children have tried to take toys away from mine while they were still playing with them and the parents pretend not to notice.

No one here has said that they want to deprive toddlers of cheap plastic toys, just that it would be nice for the parents to set an example and show them that it is good manners to ask first. What on earth is wrong with politely asking rather than assuming? Nine times out of ten the answer will be yes anyway so I doubt many children will be left gazing forlornly at the scenes of merry play going on around them while they have to poke at the sand with a stick.

It's not always things that are 'left lying around' though is it?

But the OP was.

You can't ask if the person has buggered off out of sight for a long period of time.

Have you read the OP Pixel?

Ask who? Do you have to traipse round the entire park asking everyone if they know who the yellow bucket belongs to

Some big kid trying to take your child's toy is a totally different issue, and not one I've encountered tbh.

Viviennemary - I've not noticed abandoned toys on the beach, but I'd guess the rules are the same. If someone has abandoned a spade and gone off to do something else then they obviously don't mind a child playing with it until they get back - if they did mind they'd have taken it with them.

The whole point is that we are talking (or at least we started talking)about objects that have been left lying around, are not being played with and where it isn't clear who owns them.

If I've seen the owner's child playing with it I know who to ask (or more likely I'll say to DS "That belongs to the little boy/girl over there"), and taking something away from a child is completely different and obviously wrong. But if it's been abandoned I'll have no moral problem letting DS sit the and dig a hole or make a sandcastle until someone comes back to claim it.

Ask who? Do you have to traipse round the entire park asking everyone if they know who the yellow bucket belongs to

No of course you don't have to. After all you have a choice if you want to borrow it.

"Ask who? Do you have to traipse round the entire park asking everyone if they know who the yellow bucket belongs to

No of course you don't have to. After all you have a choice if you want to borrow it."

And with that it feels like the conversation has probably run its course!

why would someone leave a bucket unattended if they didn't want anyone else to 'borrow' it

weird thread

There is a clear difference between children "sharing" toys when they are playing together and what you are doing which is using peoples things without asking.

So YABU.

How would you feel if you left your bag and buggy sitting by the sand pit and some random woman plonked her toddler in it to give them a ride round the park? - I mean they are only borrowing it, they aren't going to damage it and you aren't using it at that precise moment.

We always took our own things, I was happy for my children to share them with other children - I used to cart about two big tonka diggers/trucks as well as the spades etc. But using them without asking? It's not on.

If there is no-one there to ask then you don't use it, simple as that.

If you think it is ruining your child's enjoyment of the sandpit because you failed to bring things along, then that is your problem so either take them away from the sand pit, teach them how to play without "things" or go home and get your own stuff.

why would someone leave a bucket unattended if they didn't want anyone else to 'borrow' it

Any number of reasons, toddler has ran off and parent is chasing, older child needs the toilet, someone has fallen over and needs their knee washed, the ice cream van has arrived....etc. Maybe the first thing on the persons mind wasn't making sure that their bucket and spade was secure.

Totally abandoned toys are fair game, though, and we've taken some home when it's 100% clear they don't belong to anyone in the park (e.g. if it's empty)

That's a criminal offence it's called theft by finding