Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no thank you to my lovely bridezilla friend?

110 replies

Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 13:06

Someone has stolen my best friends sanity.

Best friend gets married in 18 months. Dress bought, venue booked. All good.

She has asked me and another good friend to be maid/matron of honour. However, we aren't partaking in the aisle walk, in front or behind. So no bridesmaid dresses required. We are only planning her hen party sans veil, L plates and condoms

This is the best bit, she has told myself and other friend that although we aren't wearing a dress of her choosing we must wear the same colour.

I have a very good sense of humour so thought she must be winding us up. However, no. She's serious.

AIBU to say something?

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 26/05/2014 19:10

Bear they haven't gone out yet, I was given a preview!

Lol! What did you say?

Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 19:17

I was honest, told her if she couldn't pay for her own honeymoon (which she can) don't go until you can!

I suggested she have a honeymoon gift list instead, so you can put money towards an activity whilst they're there ie Dinner for 2 on a private sandbank, boat trip etc.

I find asking for money actually rather vulgar especially when they can both afford the honeymoon they want!

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 26/05/2014 19:21

And what was her reaction?

It sounds like you've discussed a lot of the wedding plans so how come you're not agreed about the dresses?

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 26/05/2014 19:26

OP do YOU feel like a 'proper' bridesmaid or like you're being used? Like a pp said you couldn't pay me to organise a hen do for someone unless they were very laid back. To be honest from what you've says about her expectations on this front the dresses would be the least of my concerns.

Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 19:45

Not agreed on the dresses because it's the latest thing, she's asked me to organise hen party with other friend as a part of my job involves organising events for VIP guests. She wants the important person treatment!

I don't mind organising her party, I'll make it as special as I can for her but I draw the line at same coloured dresses. We aren't bridal party, we are regular guests.

OP posts:
foslady · 26/05/2014 19:51

She wants you to think you are involved by wearing the same colour but doing nothing bridesmaid -y other than the hard slog of trying to co ordinate all her friends on the same day to do an activity that they'll all want to do paying next to nothing (and trying to get deposit money out of them, and explaining why it was non refundable when they decide they can't be arsed because you haven't chosen their choice of activity) and dare I say expecting you to pick up the tab for her all the way through the weekend........because you're her special friends who are wearing the same colour.........Hmm

Bearbehind · 26/05/2014 19:53

We aren't bridal party, we are regular guests.

But in your OP you said she'd asked you and another good friend to be maid/ matron of honour so which is it?

Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 19:55

Well as far as I'm aware being maid/matron of honour means, dresses of her choosing, part of the bridal party, top table etc. except we aren't included in any of these so although she's labelled us that I'd say. My best friend is getting married, I'm helping but I'm a regular guest when the day comes.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 26/05/2014 20:04

But surely if you are close enough to have been privy to that dreadful poem, you've had a chance to discuss the fact that she asked you to be matron of honour but doesn't actually want to participate in the wedding? Hmm

I find it bizarre that so called 'best' friends can't talk about really basic things like this.

HelenHen · 27/05/2014 10:57

Onlylovers... Everything about a wedding, with the exception of the ceremony, is for no good reason.

Op doesn't sound like she likes this friend very much and is tearing apart other parts of the wedding. They are not things I would choose for my own wedding but everyone's wedding is different and I don't understand how people can be so blotchy about such a lovely day! Fair enough if you can't afford a new dress but it doesn't seem like that's an issue.

Op back out, you don't sound like much of a maid of honour anyway Sad what is it exactly that you want to be doing at your best friends wedding? It's 18 months away, I'm sure you'll be involved somehow.

HelenHen · 27/05/2014 10:59

Bitchy... Not blotchy Blush

I've been bridesmaid twice and had to contribute towards one of the dresses. It didn't bother me in the slightest and I was glad I could help keep their costs down. If I couldn't afford it, I would have had to say this to my friend, not bitch about it!

OnlyLovers · 27/05/2014 11:00

Helen, that's a facile argument. I'm sure if the OP and her friend were required to walk down the aisle/sit at the top table/in other ways have a visible role in the wedding party, they'd be OK about wearing the bride's choice of dress, but the point is that they're not. As the OP says, they're to all intents and purposes just regular guests, who are nonetheless having their clothing choices dictated to them.

Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 27/05/2014 11:12

I enjoy MN for the most part but what really irritates me is when a person who comments clearly hasn't read the OP or subsequent posts, just glances over it and hits reply.

If you want to reply fine, just read the bloody thread too.

OP posts:
ThinkFirst · 27/05/2014 12:36

If your only maid of honour duties are to organise the hen party then wear matching dresses to the hen party but not the wedding Grin

Have you asked her why she wants you and the other non-bridesmaid in the same colour when you aren't actually in the wedding party at all? Is she also dictating what colour the other guests are to wear?

Zucker · 27/05/2014 12:43

18 months until this wedding takes place. I think you're in for a lot of mind changing about this part of the wedding, so don't sweat it.

saresywaresy2 · 27/05/2014 13:30

I think you are being a bit mean really and not giving much thought to the whys behind it all. I would imagine that she wants you to look matching because you'll be on the photos because you're her best friends. Not having bridesmaids if you are older and having a none church wedding is quite common. How difficult would it be to go along with it? It isn't worth falling out about I'm sure...

HelenHen · 27/05/2014 13:31

We didn't have a top table! I hope my bridesmaids weren't offended Sad I bought their dresses though so I hope that kept them happy Grin

HelenHen · 27/05/2014 13:33

Oh and we didn't have a top table cos both parents are divorced and my mom wasn't invited and it was a fairly small wedding. There are always politics involved and reasons why people do things s certain way. Don't add to the drama op.

OnlyLovers · 27/05/2014 13:41

The OP talks about 'the top table' as if there's going to be one, though, Helen, so until or unless she says otherwise I'm going to assume that a) there is one and b) she's not going to be on it.

HelenHen · 27/05/2014 13:45

There could still be many reasons for this! Numbers could be limited?

Of the two weddings I was bridesmaid, I was only at one of the top tables. Why the hell would it occur to be to be offended? I never even thought about it til now. All of us bridesmaids in our dresses that we contributed to buying were scattered around the room at different tables. How incredibly offensive?????????

I really don't get it!

RaspberryBeret34 · 27/05/2014 13:45

YABU. I don't see the problem - she is having an informal wedding but would like to show who her best friends are by having you as bridesmaids even if you don't have any official duties to perform on the day. If she asks you to wear (and pay for) a hideous colour you can tell her no but I'd wait and see how it goes (given it is so far away) - it might be a colour you and the other friend would happily wear and I'm guessing you'd probably be buying a new dress anyway.

OnlyLovers · 27/05/2014 13:52

Um, I'm not following, Helen. What do you mean by 'Numbers could be limited?' and 'All of us bridesmaids in our dresses that we contributed to buying were scattered around the room at different tables.'

As far as I understand the OP, she and her friend have no on-the-day duties at the wedding and will play no visible part in the ceremony or dinner or whatever else. But the bride is still asking them to wear matching coloured dresses. What I find offensive about this, and what I think is annoying the OP, is the bride's desire to dictate and control what two people are wearing who are, to all intents and purposes, just regular guests.

Holdthepage · 27/05/2014 14:02

She is using you OP. You organise VIP events so she gets you to arrange her hen party, where she will be expecting more for less & she doesn't even have to fork out for bridesmaids dresses. She is arranging for the wedding guests to pay for their honeymoon.

Tell her you & the other friend have agreed to both wear black rubber on the day.

HelenHen · 27/05/2014 15:20

Ah seriously, I walked down the aisle at the offensive wedding but I don't expect anyone to care that I did. What's the point of a bridesmaid anyway... People only look at the bride! She probably asked op thinking it might mean something to her. I was honoured to be asked both times but didn't expect to be the centre of attention. At best op could be asking 'what's the point?' but why be offended?

OnlyLovers · 27/05/2014 16:12

OP doesn't expect to be the centre of attention either. In fact the crux of the matter would seem to be that, as she isn't walking down the aisle or sitting at the top table, there is no real point in calling her and her friend 'bridesmaids' or in asking them to wear particular things.

And this element of being dictated to is what she's finding odd/offensive.

I feel like I'm just saying the same thing over and over. Hmm