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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no thank you to my lovely bridezilla friend?

110 replies

Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 13:06

Someone has stolen my best friends sanity.

Best friend gets married in 18 months. Dress bought, venue booked. All good.

She has asked me and another good friend to be maid/matron of honour. However, we aren't partaking in the aisle walk, in front or behind. So no bridesmaid dresses required. We are only planning her hen party sans veil, L plates and condoms

This is the best bit, she has told myself and other friend that although we aren't wearing a dress of her choosing we must wear the same colour.

I have a very good sense of humour so thought she must be winding us up. However, no. She's serious.

AIBU to say something?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 26/05/2014 13:40

You're not matrons of honour Confused

You are friends who are arranging her hen party.

You have no role on the wedding day at all.

Why would it be necessary for you both to wear the same colour and anyway two dresses of the same colour can look very very differnt - so sky blue frilly summer frock and navy smart shirt dress...

Tell her what dress you plan to wear and wish her luck persuading the other "matron of honour" to wear something that matches.

Or just say you won;t be deciding hat to wear until the week before so don;t see how you're going to co-ordinate.

Cocolepew · 26/05/2014 13:43

So she is only using you to organise her hen do? Fuck that.
Wear what you want.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/05/2014 13:44

YANBU, she only gets to dictate what you wear if she's paying for it. The bride and groom should always pay for the bridesmaids dress, shoes etc as they asked them to do the duties. If they can't afford that, then they do without.

I'd make a joke when she mentions it again but make it clear you won't be complying with her wishes.

NaturalBaby · 26/05/2014 13:46

So, to clarify, she just wants you to arrange her hen do and wear the same colour dress as your other friend?
Are there other bridesmaids? Who's walking down the aisle with her?

expatinscotland · 26/05/2014 13:48

YANBU. Stop kowtowing to her now. Thanks, but no, I'd rather wear a dress of my colour choice.

People can only behave this way if people enable them

Nanny0gg · 26/05/2014 13:48

But you're not bridesmaids!

So I don't see the problem. Is she telling other guests what to wear? No?

Then you wear what you like.

Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 13:48

Yup only the hen party which is she's hoping going to be a weeks 5* event on beer money. She is a notorious tight wad but is actually very wealthy, nice Mercedes, big house etc.

I'm hoping once the wedding effect wears off she'll arrive back on earth and be back to normal!

I will never fall out with her she's like my sister. But, you still need to tread carefully I feel when it comes to this sort of occasion!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/05/2014 13:48

I take it you're not witnesses either?

TidyDancer · 26/05/2014 13:49

What exactly does she want you to do on the day? Sounds like she doesn't want anyone stealing focus from her but still wants someone organising and paying for a hen night. If you are not walking down the aisle with her then you're not a bridesmaid.

So no, under the circumstances, I would not acquiesce to her random request.

willowisp · 26/05/2014 13:50

In a nutshell happyoneofone

Out of interest, what does the other friend make of this request ?

LayMeDown · 26/05/2014 13:51

Isn't it pretty standard practice for bridesmaids (proper bridesmaids) to have to fork out for their dresses nowadays?

No I dont think so. I have never heard of a bride not paying for her bridesmaids dresses.
I think it is incredibly cheeky to dictate to someone what they should wear if you are not paying for it. There is a tradition that bridesmaid dresses are picked by brides and if you are a formal bridesmaid to a certain extent you sign up for that (with the hope you have some input). However if you have to fund the dress yourself there should be no limits set on what you can buy.

Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 13:54

I haven't said anything to other friend, I don't feel it's appropriate to talk about her behind her back. I will say something, but will need to find the right words I'm not tactful at all even though I mean no ill will!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 13:55

She says, talking about her behind her back on MN!!!!

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 26/05/2014 13:55

How annoying. Could you suggest a compromise, e.g. that you will discuss your outfit with the other non-bridesmaid in advance to ensure you don't look ridiculous next to each other in the photos?

OwlCapone · 26/05/2014 13:55

But isn't she saying they can choose whatever dress they like and agree a colour between them? Confused

Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 13:59

It's a non traditional wedding, father walking her down the aisle and a few young flower girls.

Top table her and her new husband and family. Other tables she's not yet organised the seating plan. It's 18 months away!!! She still hasn't decided on a colour scheme

OP posts:
EduardoBarcelona · 26/05/2014 14:00

How's this a problem?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 26/05/2014 14:02

I did tell my DM and DMIL that blues or greens would work well with our yellows, but AFAIR they were asking for suggestions.
I can see why she might suggest a colour for her two best girlies, especially if you might be in lots of pictures with her.
It wouldn't bother me unless I already had something else in mind or was feeling broke - good excuse for a new dress? Smile

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 26/05/2014 14:03

Just look puzzled and say 'But I didn't think you were paying for our dresses?'

Orangeisthenewbanana · 26/05/2014 14:10

I paid for everything for my bridesmaids (inc hair/makeup) apart from shoes - they were massively different heights so wouldn't have wanted to wear the same ones anyway. We decided on a colour and they all chose their own/recycled ones they had/borrowed some depending on their preference.

It sounds like your friend wants all the perks of bridesmaids - someone to organise & fork out for her hen do and be at her beck and call on the day - without it costing her anything in any other department, like dresses/shoes/attention even. Think someone up thread said it - you're not bridesmaids, you're friends who will be organising her hen do. That's all fine in itself if you're close to her, but then she doesn't really have any right to dictate how you dress etc on the day.

Alconleigh · 26/05/2014 14:11

You say you won't fall out with her over it but I am not sure she's going to extend you the same courtesy from what you've said here. I'd nip it in the bud now. Otherwise you're in for an excruciating 18 months as she's clearly going to be one of those brides who is deluded that anyone else caress about their wedding as much as they do.

BackforGood · 26/05/2014 14:13

I don't understand why she would want two friends to be wearing the same colour, when they are not part of the set up on the day. It's fine not to have bridesmaids / maids of honour if you don't want to, particularly if you are a bit older, but it is bridezilla to be dictating what your guests wear to your wedding.

Daisymasie · 26/05/2014 14:14

YADNBU. Why does it make the slightest difference to her what colour you wear to the wedding if you're not going to be walking down the aisle or sitting at the top table?

Kewcumber · 26/05/2014 14:19

Just say "lets discuss it closer to the wedding, I'm nt planning what to wear yet and if I can work in your prefered colour I will but no promises"

ThePowerOfMe · 26/05/2014 14:20

You need to find out the reason why she wants you and friend to wear the same colour. Hopefully she has a good reason.
If you say she's like a sister to you then hopefully, you can and want to oblige.
I think it would be sad if you didn't and it actually meant something to her if you did. Its not really that much of a big deal unless you've already got your dress.