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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no thank you to my lovely bridezilla friend?

110 replies

Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 13:06

Someone has stolen my best friends sanity.

Best friend gets married in 18 months. Dress bought, venue booked. All good.

She has asked me and another good friend to be maid/matron of honour. However, we aren't partaking in the aisle walk, in front or behind. So no bridesmaid dresses required. We are only planning her hen party sans veil, L plates and condoms

This is the best bit, she has told myself and other friend that although we aren't wearing a dress of her choosing we must wear the same colour.

I have a very good sense of humour so thought she must be winding us up. However, no. She's serious.

AIBU to say something?

OP posts:
TheCatThatSmiled · 26/05/2014 14:24

Text her, tell her that you have found fabulous matching dresses, that will also go with hers. Get your other mate on board to rave about your choice.Then send her this. Grin

To say no thank you to my lovely bridezilla friend?
SueDNim · 26/05/2014 14:28

You couldn't pay me to organise a hen do. I seems to involve asking people you've never met for vast amounts of money and then trying to deal with the financial fall out when people cancel. It also involves arranging activities that you know a fair proportion if the other attendees don't want to do and are also shocked by the price of. I've been to a few hen events which were nice, but didnt remotely resemble what seems to be the norm for hen dos.

So I think you have been asked to do the worst part of a BM job with no redeeming features.

There isn't a nice way of asking this, but is one of you either gorgeous or very unattractive? There have been threads on MN where BM were kept out of sight for one or the other reason.

motherinferior · 26/05/2014 14:45

Wear matching white wedding dresses.

OnlyLovers · 26/05/2014 14:56

Grin mother

Kewcumber · 26/05/2014 15:00

Wear matching white wedding dresses.

Oh yes dooooooooo.....

AlpacaPicnic · 26/05/2014 15:07

Or tell her you've found a nice LBD - then turn up dressed like 'ooh la la ' French maids...

HelenHen · 26/05/2014 15:14

Yabu! It seems like she's trying to be nice by letting you just wear what you want with one request! Damned it you do...

Just say no if you're that put out!

stripedtortoise · 26/05/2014 15:14

Don't really get your outrage tbh. Hate bridezillas but asking her bridesmaids to wear the same colour doesn't seem like much of a big deal. Actually think it's fairly reasonable. Just wear the same colour ffs. What difference does it make to you?

OnlyLovers · 26/05/2014 15:17

Helen and tortoise, but the bridezilla is asking the OP and her friend to wear the same colour FOR NO GOOD REASON. They're not walking down the aisle or sitting at the top table.
It's not really any different to her approaching two random female guests and asking them to wear the same colour. The only difference here is that the OP and friend are arranging the hen do.

And how is 'letting you just wear what you want with one request' letting her wear what she wants? Confused

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 26/05/2014 15:29

"Isn't it pretty standard practice for bridesmaids (proper bridesmaids) to have to fork out for their dresses nowadays?"

Not in my experience, no it isn't. If the bride wants bridesmaids then she pays for their dresses. If the bride in this instance wants the two ladies to wear the same colour, even if they're not formally acting as bridesmaids/maids of honour then she either pays for their frocks or takes pot-luck on what they choose to wear. I have an inkling that this particular bride is angling to have it both ways.

I understand that in the US it's quite common for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. This would seem a perfectly valid reason for declining to be one.

stripedtortoise · 26/05/2014 15:41

Only lovers - in which case the OP shouldn't have agreed to be 'bridesmaid' or maid of honour or whatever the f the bride is calling it. Weddings do take different forms - just because they aren't walking down the aisle doesn't mean they aren't bridesmaids - they plainly are because the bride asked them to be as such.

Asking your closest friends to wear the same colour on the day to take on the role of bridesmaids is hardly unreasonable. One day. Same colour. How does it matter to the OP and the other girl.

MrsMoon76 · 26/05/2014 15:43

So she is looking for the bridesmaid effect without actually having to pay it? You aren't officially bridesmaids, you are just organizing the hen so really, why would you wear matching colour dresses unless she is paying for it?

LayMeDown · 26/05/2014 15:43

'letting you just wear what you want '

Well how kind of her. OP and her friend are guests at this wedding. I see no reason why (beyond the normal code expected at weddings) they should be dictated to on what colour they should wear. WOuld you be happy to be told whay outfit you should wear to a wedding you were attending?

Just wear the same colour ffs. What difference does it make to you?

A hell of a lot of difference actually. I dont buy new clothes that often and when I do I want it to be something I like that suits me. Being red haired, freckled and pale an awful lot of colours dont suit me. I am happy to wear colours that dont suit if the bride is paying for it, but I'm fucked if I'm going to spend my money on a dress I'll never wear again because its some compromise colour.

NotCitrus · 26/05/2014 15:49

Stripedtortoise - what is the role of bridesmaids in this wedding, though? It's not to look pretty down the aisle, it's not to support the bride on the top table, it's unclear if they will be doing anything on the day.
OP needs to find out what actually her friend is hoping for before deciding whether it's unreasonable or not.

FWIW I had two 'bridesmaids' - I just asked them not to clash with my dress or each other and said what I could contribute to cost - they found matching dresses and even dyed their hair to match, which I would never have asked for!

Bearbehind · 26/05/2014 15:58

I have no idea on the stats but it isn't uncommon for bridesmaids to buy their own dresses.

I went to 2 weddings last year and this was the case at both.

Brides like pomerallights seem to think its a good way to keep their costs down despite it being very rude especially when their bridesmaids dresses for other weddings have been bought for them on the basis that the bridesmaids would be buying an outfit for the wedding anyway Hmm

I totally disagree with the principle. IMO if you want bridesmaids, you pay for their outfits. If you want to keep costs down for your wedding, you don't have bridesmaids!

Given that it's not very acceptable for brides not to pay for the dresses I wouldn't expect those brides who have made their BM's to pay to be eager to share their views on a thread like this, but, along with brides who write poems requesting cash, they are out there Grin

In this situation, both 'bridesmaids' need to speak to the bride to discuss exactly what she wants then reach an agreement.

OnlyLovers · 26/05/2014 16:00

tortoise, it's unreasonable because the bride is trying to dictate what they'll wear without paying for it. What if they can't each find an existing dress in the same colour? Would it be OK for one of them to have to buy a new one, just because the bride wanted it?

If they're her 'closest friends' she will wake up and realise that she's being selfish and unreasonable about this, and that them being at her wedding is the important thing, not them wearing matching dresses at their own expense.

Zucker · 26/05/2014 16:01

Does organising the hen party = paying for the hen party? Is this why you've been given the non bridesmaids roles?

kirako · 26/05/2014 16:22

Has she specified which colour you must wear? Or are you to decide that between you and the other, err, lucky lady? In which case it could be worse than the usual bridesmaid shopping trips as you're unlikely to independently both choose the same colour of dress, or find a colour match in two styles you both genuinely feel happy splashing out on.

It sounds like she hasn't thought it through. Maybe you could ask a few probing questions if the three of you are together or do it by group email.

middleagedspread · 26/05/2014 18:15

I'm wondering if she's got something special lined up for you on the big day? She'll want you in the photos as her 2 best mates.
If I really loved her I'd go along with it as long as the other friend likes navy too

OwlCapone · 26/05/2014 18:37

This is a load of fuss about nothing.

Bearbehind · 26/05/2014 18:41

Totally agree owl.

There are some proper bridezillas out there- this bride is not even trying Grin

Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 18:44

And then there's this little gem!!

When thinking of a gift for us
We ask if you’d please consider
Contributing to our honeymoon
to make it all the sweeter.

Our house is full of all the things
a couple could require,
and so a holiday away
is what we most desire.

Then while we're relaxing on the beach
or by the pool so blue
we'll sit back and know
that it is truly thanks to you!

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 26/05/2014 18:54

OMG- I take back everything I've said- this wedding is doomed!

That poem is dire.

It's also very strange that the invites have gone out (including the poem) but the 'bridesmaids' outfits haven't really been agreed.

Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 19:02

Bear they haven't gone out yet, I was given a preview!

OP posts:
MmeLindor · 26/05/2014 19:03

Has she said which colour she wants you to wear?

I don't suit yellow or red, so that would be a deal breaker for me.

It's only really an issue if you and other friend have very different colouring so that you couldn't find one colour to suit you both.

Although I do find it a strange request.

I'd get the post with the poem removed though. What are the chances that someone recognised it and tells her that her best friend is complaining on MN about her.